OTVFC Awards 2022-23 Season
The BIG ONE - Mr Boss
Who gave most to the team helping us to our best season for some years? There had been important contributions from everybody but only 12 players had featured in 20 games or more - and one of those stormed off to be next seen playing for the Ash.
Cases could be made for a few players not selected below but picked from the following:
Chris: Has played across the midfield and occasionally in defence. Played in almost every game, scored 5 goals- 4 from open play and ensures our finances are as healthy as he thinks they should be.
Baby: Swears a lot but perhaps less confrontational with opponents than in previous seasons. 6 goals including 2 penalties. Quite a few assists and often develops our transition from defence into attack- as well as passing the ball out of play occasionally! Mid season transition to Guinness has added weight to his game.
Jon: Probably didn’t play as much as he or we would like but in his 20 games as the youngster amidst the 60+year old midfielders provided much needed mobility, pace and bite. Has set himself the challenging target of scoring at least one goal a Season.
Tony: Always a difficult thing being the Tamps custodian and Tony would certainly accept that he was at fault for the odd goal or two. 4 clean sheets and recovered from self inflicted drink related garden football injury to be integral to second half Season wins with plenty of excellent saves-especially strong in the one on ones. Like several teammates didn’t allow Chelsea’s dip in form to depress him too much.
Finchy: Has generally made the challenging left sided defensive position his own but has donned the keeper’s gloves when needed including to keep a clean sheet in a highly satisfying win over Concept. Third top scorer with 7.
Missed only a few games and probably made more interceptions than any other player.
Matt: Not only has a vital role in our defence but also has responsibility for Superfan Del. Well timed last ditch tackles have regularly saved us from danger and according to our most astute student of the game, Smudge, has ‘developed a new aspect to his game’ with a number of ( it might be 1) assists. Has put in the hours to ensure that most of his throw ins can be seen to be almost legal.
Smudge: Would be happy to play just a half and enjoy younger players running the midfield but has often had to play the full 90 in a lot of his 25 appearances. Shields the defence by standing alongside them. Still able to skilfully get out of tight situations and keep the ball moving forward. Always does his best to support his fellow midfielders particularly by ‘talking’ to Tonksy. Age cannot whither him….
Winner: Votes for all candidates! Finchy wins! (Beats Baby by one vote) Well done all.
Mr Miss: 16 wins out of the 32 games and whilst dubious Reffing led to 3 early season draws which should have been victories, failure to take chances pushed the defeats to 10. Who deserved to be Mr Miss?
Roy: The first big one of the Season at Perry Street, set up by Lee, the ball at his feet and the goal at his mercy, skewed his shot high and wide. They came back to draw 3-3.
Tonksy: In a 2-0 defeat to Avery Hill on St George’s Day. Perfect cross from Graham with Tonksy at the far post and a tap in beckoning. At best we could say he was caught in two minds though there was a thought that he may just have fallen over. Either way he missed the ball completely. ( Also involved with Finchy in the Torvill and Dean routine double miss -Santos away.)
Mike: Our top scorer but …! A series of fluffed efforts in a 2-1 away victory over Crofton but a critical miss in our 2-3 loss to Charlton Rangers at Sam Montagu. Swooping on the loose ball only a couple of yards out he lost his bearings and hooked his shot wide of the open goal.
Winner: Mike (Tonksy came second)
Mr Tackle: Who do you think best stopped the opposition attacks winning back possession or flattening opponents?
Chef: Loves both chasing down an opponent who has aggravated him and thundering into a challenge sometimes legally.
Tony: Yes, he’s the keeper but he puts everything on the line winning one on ones with feet, legs, body and face dashing out to thwart opponents who’ve been set up by good attacking play or defensive error.
Matt: Nearly always gets his man and regularly gets across to cover for others. At times seems to have extendable legs that nick the ball just when the opponent thinks he’s in the clear.
Finchy: Excellent anticipation, reading of the game and technique allow him to take the ball from an opponents toes. More Booby Moore than Tony Adams?
Winner: Matt (Finchy in second place)
Mr Strike: Who scored the best goal - there were certainly some decent efforts.
Mike: against Erith. First of a perfect hat trick. Chested it down, right footed drive across the keeper, possibly from a Chris assist.
Paul T: Crofton away. 25 yard free kick finding top bins- Roy and Surj declared it was going over. 2 other fine goals against Crofton- a 25 yard volley and a precise chip from distance.
Baby: against Avery Hill. Ball cleared from a corner found Baby advancing to edge of box and smashing it first time into roof of net.
Chef: in 5-1 win over Crofton. Intercepred the ball laying it off to Graham who found Matt on the right. His well paced pass freed Chef to run into the box and place a powerful shot beyond the keeper’s left hand and high into the net.
Scholesy: against the Ash. Baby’s long ball cleared the right back for Graham to latch onto with a great first touch.His driven pass into the box was perfect, Scholesy arriving to volley the ball into the roof of the net. Also fine goal against Erith in final game of the season.
Tommy E: also against Erith. Advanced on a clearance from a corner, took a touch,looked up and powered a 25 yard pearler into top bins.
Steve A: in feisty first encounter with Colfes. Fine team goal. Steve won the ball on the edge of our box and sprinted to keep it in play before completing a one-two with Chef. Then linked with Darmo who skinned the defender and crossed the ball for Steve A running in to tap it home.
Winner: Paul T. (Baby in second place)
What they said
Our Season involved 32 games and 32 sessions in the bar or the pub. It’s about the games but it’s also about the banter and our clear care and affection for each other- and of course, our respect for the oppo!!
‘I think he’s the best looking Ref we’ve had’. The Squire.
‘Stop milking it you dickhead!’ Baby
‘No one gets past the Pink Panther.’ Chef.
‘He takes those glasses off and he’s as blind as a bat.’ Baby about Tatts Dean.
‘He can’t cross it that far-he’s a tikka takka player’. Smudge on Tonksy’s strengths…
‘Our strikers couldn’t hit a barn door’
‘I was enjoying a latte and a pain au raisin’. The Squire.
‘It was travelling my shot.If the defender hadn’t got in the way it might have reached the keeper’. Smudge.
‘You’re making Doyley your Man of the Match?!?’ The incredulous Squire to Belle.
‘ No mate - it’s because I’ve got no hair’. Graham refuting Robbo’s contention that he has a ‘hard’ haircut.
‘Is that an Ed Sheeran T-shirt?’ Tim to Tonksy.
‘Mike’s my man of the Match’.Another contested choice from Belle. And ‘Either of the Podgers’. Still steadfastly refusing to choose Graham.
‘He’s a lovely footballer-I love watching him play’. Charlton Ranger- with questionable judgement?- on Tonksy.
‘You’re offside – you f**king idiot’. The Squire to Ashburnham lunatic.
‘You’ve got to score that!’ Paul D to Scholesy. ( He didn’t.)
‘I’ve won more League Championships than the f**king Daniels!’ Podge feels he should have been asked about being the Old Roan President.
‘I won that free kick’. Paul D when congratulating Mike on his second goal against Charlton Rangers.
‘I love a man who takes charge’. Tonksy.
‘He’s got a watch on!’ The oppo thinks Jack is weaponised.
‘Stephen!Stephen!’ Doyley has a particular relationship with Finchy.
‘It could have been double figures if Paul D had taken even half of his chances’. Tony. Graham’s reply: ‘If you could save some it would have been 6-0’.
‘We keep losing the f**king 50-50s!!!!’ Matt.
‘He used to cover a 10 metre range – now it’s down to 5.’ Smudge on a midfield teammate…and Smudge’s range is?
‘If I wanted to kick you - you’d still be on the ground’. Baby.
‘It was a good decision until I got told off’. Matt feels Tim’s criticism is unfair.
‘Doyley!Follow your man!!!’ ‘No! He’s already ahead of me!’ Even Baby can’t get Doyley doing the right thing.
‘I was thinking while I had a quick waz.’ Smudge startles his fellow drinkers.
‘Doing tricks against old men? You f**king c**t!!’ Podge.
‘How come Mike still hasn’t got a jug for his hat trick?’ Chef.
‘The second goal was very subtle.Very clever finish.’ Lenny Sales admires Lee’s ‘strike’.
‘Where’s the other little rat? Is it dead’. Baby – just as Tonksy returns from the loo.
Things we learned (20.11.22): Podge was late as he needed a shit. Tony needs a visor. The cricket pitch is a bit wormy. Podge and Baby had an uncleaned shark’s jaw, Bowie knives and a bomb as childhood playthings. A 10 litre catering urn is excellent if you need to boil a skull. The football is incidental.
The Awards
Mr Goals: 14 goals in 17 games from Mike - including 2 hat tricks. (Chef may mention jugs here?). Darmo had 12 from 21 games. 16 ‘regular’ Tamps got on the scoresheet.
Mr Most: We normally go for most games played but with one player on 30 appearances and another on 29 you get a choice……
Winner: Finchy - on minutes played. Chris played one more game.
Mr Bump: Injuries and falls: who do you think best deserves to be this year’s Mr Bump.
Scholesy: Caravan living, heavy light and bitter drinking and dodgy knee and leg muscles restricted this Gooner to 7 appearances during which he made 141 visits to his strategically placed water bottle and scored 3 goals.
Roy: Perhaps suffered more kicks from the oppo than any other Tamp despite only playing 10 games. Leg and knee issues led to absences but the bigger aspect was the heart ‘bump’ concern which we all hope is now receiving effective treatment and care. Didn’t stop him shouting shit from the touchline.
The Squire: Managed a dozen games but the injuries set in when he started imbibing Moretti shandy. Hasn’t played since too vigorously ‘throwing shapes’ in fetching attire at ABBA Voyage.
Lee: Horrible knee injury against Cudham which their Ref judged a ‘football incident’. Had come straight from the airport.Lengthy rehabilitation back to score against Inter Viagra but appearances then limited by ‘loved up’ circumstances.
Winner: Roy - by one vote from Scholesy in second place.
Mr Assist: 78 goals scored and taking off the penalties and Own Goals there were probably close to 70 assists but who was our best provider?
Baby: Not all those driven long passes and crosses were followed by the familiar ‘You c*nt!’. He often set up a teammate from open play and from free kicks.
Graham: Belle refused to select him as Man of the Match but several of Finchy’s headers resulted from Graham’s corners and he still provided assists when played in a more defensive role than usual.
Chef: Perhaps unlucky not to be included in the Mr Bump category given his capacity to hit the ground but apparently provided 4 out of the 5 assists ( He said it so it must be true!) against Santos as well as several others across his 20 appearances.
Winner: Baby (One vote ahead of Chef)
Mr Skill: So many to chose from in this category - we are after all the great entertainers. Unlike boring Avery Hill and methodical Crofton we’re about finesse and style……Hmmm.
Graham: Perhaps our most penetrative dribbler, skilfully slaloming past opponents then prone to quality step overs and running the ball out of play.
Jon: Forget the Cruyff turn so much to admire in the Jon turns…and so many in a game!
Tonksy: Our busy go to in the midfield – always available even when strongly pressed by opponents. Keeps possession well and plays quality passes into touch.
Doyley: The complete master of the volleyed flick on and a football sign language which only Mike can understand. Can cause bewilderment with his dead ball accuracy scoring the occasional decent free kick.
Smudge: Our oldest regular performer employs a range of expert techniques but particularly the drag back to evade tacklers and surge (or trundle?) forward. An inspiration to all but particularly our 60+ players.
Winner: Smudge (One vote ahead of Tonksy)
Old Tamponians Super Vets - The 2022-23 Season
The Games
Charlton Rangers. 3-3. Baby2 (1 pen.), Paul Darmo
Avery Hill. 3-3. Taj, Finchy, Darmo.
Crofton. 1-1. Finchy.
‘An Invitational XI’. 4-1. Mike (3), Paul T.
Erith. 1-0. Finchy.
Cudham. 0-5.
Avery Hill. 1-5. Mike.
Erith. 5-1. Mike (3), Darmo, Paul T.
Santos. 2-1. Darmo (2).
Charlton Rangers. 2-2. Mike (2).
Inter Viagra. 4-4. Darmo (2), Chris, Baby.
Charlton Rangers. 1-3. Doyley.
Crofton. 3-2. Chris (2), Paul T.
Charlton Rangers. 2-3. Mike, Jon.
Concept. 1-0. Own Goal.
Inter Viagra. 2-0. Paul T (pen), Darmo.
Crofton. 2-1. Scholesy, Paul T.
Ashburnham Arms. 1-2. Scholesy.
Lads of the Village. 3-1. Doyley (2), Darmo.
Belvedere. 6-3. Darmo (2),Doyley, Steve A, Podge.
Colfes. 2-3. Chris (pen), Steve A.
Crofton. 5-1. Finchy (2), Darmo, Doyley, Chef.
Inter Viagra. 3-1. Mike (3).
Colfes. 2-5. Chef, Jack.
Bellingham. 3-2. Graham, Tommy, Baby (pen).
Santos. 5-0 Finchy, Podge, Chris, Graham,Mick.
Avery Hill. 0-2.
Inter Viagra. 2-0. Podge, Lee.
Avery Hill. 1-2. Baby.
Erith. 3-0. Baby, Tommy, Scholesy
Played 32. Won 16. Lost 10. Drawn 6 (3 of which should have been wins! Ref! Ref! Ref!)
For 78. Against 57.
Scorers: Mike 14, Paul Darmo 12, Finchy 7, Baby 6, Chris 5,
Paul T 5, Doyley 5, Podge 4, Scholesy 3, Taj 3,
Graham, Chef, Steve A, Tommy, Own Goals: 2 each.
Jon, Lee, Erith Mick, Jack : 1 each.
A bounce back season?
Played. Won. Lost. Drawn. For. Against.
2016-17. 30. 13. 11. 6. 70. 73.
2017-18. 33. 15. 11. 7. 84. 68.
2018-19. 29. 10. 13. 6. 83. 93.
2019-20. 22. 7. 10. 5. 47. 60
2020-21. 22. 11. 11. 0. 57. 68. 26 conceded in 3 games
2021-22. 29. 9. 19. 1. 48. 91. 28 conceded in 5 games.
2022-23. 32. 16. 10. 6. 78. 57. 15 conceded in 3 games.
Appearances: Xxxx 30. Xxxx 29.
Matt 26. Smudge 25.Doyley 25. Tony 25. Tonksy 24. Baby 22 Graham 21. Darmo 21.Jon 20. Chef 20. Mike 17. Podge 16. Taj 14. The Squire 12. Roy 10. Paul T 10. Tim 8. Scholesy 7. Steve A 7. Lee 5. Tom E 4. Dave 4. Paul G 4. Adam 3. Erith Mick 3. Tatts Dean 3. Jack 2. Paul Davies 2. Nathan 1. Stuart, Steve Hamberger, Dangerous Dave, Ish, Darren (all Avery Hill guests), Scott (AFC Greenwich) 1 each.
Player Awards - 2021/22
OTVFC AWARDS 2021-22. The Big Ones.
Goal of the Season: Your Choices: The Squire: sharp first touch finish at the near post after we worked the ball down the right and Paul D got behind the defence cutting along the byline and picking out Mick’s well judged run.
Doyley: a sweet free kick clipped past the wall into the far top corner against Inter Viagra in March.
Scholesy: his second in the first game against Inter Viagra- an excellent angled shot having found space on the right hand side of the box, the ball played in by Matt- good first touch and turn, clinical finish.
Podge: in the New Year fixture at Sam Montague against the Ash, ran at the retreating defence and struck a fine, deliberately placed drive from outside the box.
Roy: a bullet header at the far stick from Baby’s corner bringing us level in what was to be an exciting 3-2 win.
Paul D: the excellent goal against Wellcome is ruled out as after fine work latching onto Baby’s fine diagonal pass with a great first touch the finish was slightly toe poked. So: we go with the Golden Boot’s decisive goal against Erith (away). Heroic work by Chef, passed the ball out to Taj, got it back, setting up Paul whose shot was so powerful the keeper could only palm it into the net.
Winner. Doyley.
Player of the Season.
( A number of players who usually figure in the reckoning for Players’ Player -Paul G, Podge, Taj, The Squire, Graham- plus new boys Paul D and Chef- are all left out as they played less than half our games.)
Your Choices: Tonksy: 21 appearances, tireless in each and with several assists but no goals. Could win the vote for his increased drinking capacity as much as for his midfield mastery.
Baby: in his day job was able to limit the appearances of others whilst making 23 of his own. 3 goals and plenty of assists from open play and set pieces showing his ability to kick the ball a long way and, quite often, accurately. Firm in the tackle and in challenging whining opponents. Always a very important player for us but played a lot of the season ‘ under age’ for SuperVet soccer.
Matt:Very reliable. Regularly made last ditch tackles and then regularly put the ball out of play. Also strong and determined going forward.27 appearances, usually completing the full 90.Always looking to develop his game- spent the close season practising his throw ins.
Finchy: 22 appearances and 3 goals and swears a lot less than his fellow defenders. Often first to the ball and likes to get forward. Rarely has a bad game and as already noted is also excellent between the sticks. Like Matt, Jon and Tonksy he’s a proper Super Vet!
Jon: Best engine in the squad enabling him to harry at least several opponents at once and cover more ground than even Podge or the Squire- which given their injuries- has been particularly important this season. Likes to take a player on- often with a startling change of direction.Could develop his shooting but did score one more than last season. Did he do enough in 19 appearances to secure your vote?
Winner: Finchy.
OTVFC Awards 2021-22.
Golden Tampon: Winner: Paul D 8 goals in 13 games- pipping Doyley’s 7.
Most Used Tampon: Matt beats Chris only on minutes played-27 games each. (Chris can’t win it every year!)
Supporter of the Year: Only 9 wins, 19 defeats ( presumably a club record ) and 91 goals conceded there was a lot to see- and, very occasionally, it was good. Perhaps the amusement of regularly missed penalties kept them coming back.
Your Choices : Del. Gets Matt in the Zone by driving him to the game.
Surj. May not be there for the start of each match but is able to provide in the bar consolation to several players who need it.
Scholesy. A real regular on the sidelines where he can’t take penalties. Hopefully he’ll be back on the pitch every other month next season.
Winner: Del.
The Roy de Bruyne. Awarded to the most versatile player.
Your Choices: Chris: Plays at the back and in midfield, dons the gloves when necessary and only doesn’t play up top because of the high quality we have there. Ensures club funds are well managed – all-inclusive trip to Costa Rica recently.
Roy: Plays all over the place including in the coveted left back slot. Scored one more goal than Chris and didn’t miss a penalty. Occasionally passes the ball.
Finchy: One of the performances of the season in goal against SANCO, plays anywhere in the back 4, is unaffected by Baby’s swearing and can add bite to the midfield when needed. Scored one more goal than Roy.
Winner: Finchy
The OSCAT. Replacing the OSCDT (Only Smudge Can Do That) ‘The Only Smudge Can Award This’ will be won by the player who has ‘made my ( Smudge’s) Sunday adventures enjoyable- either by word or deed’.
So -everyone in the squad has a chance of winning. ( Only Smudge won the OSCDT!)
Winner: Chris.
The SADSOB. ‘The Scholes and Deal Social Old Butterfly’ for services to Thursday night football. ( Or colloquially known as ‘The Rogers’.)
Your Choices: (Old) Charlie: Drinks steadily, last in the bar. Infrequent Sunday cameos.
Mad Dave: Ridiculous team selection on occasions, poor counting but high level comedic value.
Scholesy: always seeking best value through drink of choice- light and bitter, heroic in goal on the frequent occasions his recurring injuries limit his time on pitch. Organisation of exclusive and divisive social excursions could sway the voters one way or the other.
Chris: not only goes to the bar the most but is cheerful chauffeur to several players.Helps to maximise Thursday subs too.
Smudge: steady imbiber with high bar attendance; ensures the rounds keep coming usually without moving a muscle.
TimVB: self-proclaimed Voice of Reason, should speak and certainly shout less; nominated for his justified criticism of-and ability to wind up- Mad Dave.
Winner. Smudge.
The Raw Meat. Formerly the Top Tackle this is awarded to a player who does what’s required -often with efficient violence.
Your Choices: Baby: Fine positional sense and declining but still reasonable pace means that he intercepts more than he tackles but he certainly enjoys a bit of shithousery.
Finchy: Great timing and determination allows him to dominate many a forward often nipping in front to win the ball. Back him to win all 50-50s.
Matt: Perhaps more Ron Harris than Bobby Moore but regularly breaks down attacks with his scything and often legal approach. An apologetic hard man who does what’s necessary. ( Chef, Paul G, The Squire and Taj didn’t play enough games to be nominated but all like a tackle.)
Winner. Matt.
Goal of the Season: Your Choices: The Squire: sharp first touch finish at the near post after we worked the ball down the right and Paul D got behind the defence cutting along the byline and picking out Mick’s well judged run.
Doyley: a sweet free kick clipped past the wall into the far top corner against Inter Viagra in March.
Scholesy: his second in the first game against Inter Viagra- an excellent angled shot having found space on the right hand side of the box, the ball played in by Matt- good first touch and turn, clinical finish.
Podge: in the New Year fixture at Sam Montague against the Ash, ran at the retreating defence and struck a fine, deliberately placed drive from outside the box.
Roy: a bullet header at the far stick from Baby’s corner bringing us level in what was to be an exciting 3-2 win.
Paul D: the excellent goal against Wellcome is ruled out as after fine work latching onto Baby’s fine diagonal pass with a great first touch the finish was slightly toe poked. So: we go with the Golden Boot’s decisive goal against Erith (away). Heroic work by Chef, passed the ball out to Taj, got it back, setting up Paul whose shot was so powerful the keeper could only palm it into the net.
Winner. Doyley.
Player of the Season.
( A number of players who usually figure in the reckoning for Players’ Player -Paul G, Podge, Taj, The Squire, Graham- plus new boys Paul D and Chef- are all left out as they played less than half our games.)
Your Choices: Tonksy: 21 appearances, tireless in each and with several assists but no goals. Could win the vote for his increased drinking capacity as much as for his midfield mastery.
Baby: in his day job was able to limit the appearances of others whilst making 23 of his own. 3 goals and plenty of assists from open play and set pieces showing his ability to kick the ball a long way and, quite often, accurately. Firm in the tackle and in challenging whining opponents. Always a very important player for us but played a lot of the season ‘ under age’ for SuperVet soccer.
Matt:Very reliable. Regularly made last ditch tackles and then regularly put the ball out of play. Also strong and determined going forward.27 appearances, usually completing the full 90.Always looking to develop his game- spent the close season practising his throw ins.
Finchy: 22 appearances and 3 goals and swears a lot less than his fellow defenders. Often first to the ball and likes to get forward. Rarely has a bad game and as already noted is also excellent between the sticks. Like Matt, Jon and Tonksy he’s a proper Super Vet!
Jon: Best engine in the squad enabling him to harry at least several opponents at once and cover more ground than even Podge or the Squire- which given their injuries- has been particularly important this season. Likes to take a player on- often with a startling change of direction.Could develop his shooting but did score one more than last season. Did he do enough in 19 appearances to secure your vote?
Winner: Finchy.
OTVFC Awards 2021-22.
Golden Tampon: Winner: Paul D 8 goals in 13 games- pipping Doyley’s 7.
Most Used Tampon: Matt beats Chris only on minutes played-27 games each. (Chris can’t win it every year!)
Supporter of the Year: Only 9 wins, 19 defeats ( presumably a club record ) and 91 goals conceded there was a lot to see- and, very occasionally, it was good. Perhaps the amusement of regularly missed penalties kept them coming back.
Your Choices : Del. Gets Matt in the Zone by driving him to the game.
Surj. May not be there for the start of each match but is able to provide in the bar consolation to several players who need it.
Scholesy. A real regular on the sidelines where he can’t take penalties. Hopefully he’ll be back on the pitch every other month next season.
Winner: Del.
The Roy de Bruyne. Awarded to the most versatile player.
Your Choices: Chris: Plays at the back and in midfield, dons the gloves when necessary and only doesn’t play up top because of the high quality we have there. Ensures club funds are well managed – all-inclusive trip to Costa Rica recently.
Roy: Plays all over the place including in the coveted left back slot. Scored one more goal than Chris and didn’t miss a penalty. Occasionally passes the ball.
Finchy: One of the performances of the season in goal against SANCO, plays anywhere in the back 4, is unaffected by Baby’s swearing and can add bite to the midfield when needed. Scored one more goal than Roy.
Winner: Finchy
The OSCAT. Replacing the OSCDT (Only Smudge Can Do That) ‘The Only Smudge Can Award This’ will be won by the player who has ‘made my ( Smudge’s) Sunday adventures enjoyable- either by word or deed’.
So -everyone in the squad has a chance of winning. ( Only Smudge won the OSCDT!)
Winner: Chris.
The SADSOB. ‘The Scholes and Deal Social Old Butterfly’ for services to Thursday night football. ( Or colloquially known as ‘The Rogers’.)
Your Choices: (Old) Charlie: Drinks steadily, last in the bar. Infrequent Sunday cameos.
Mad Dave: Ridiculous team selection on occasions, poor counting but high level comedic value.
Scholesy: always seeking best value through drink of choice- light and bitter, heroic in goal on the frequent occasions his recurring injuries limit his time on pitch. Organisation of exclusive and divisive social excursions could sway the voters one way or the other.
Chris: not only goes to the bar the most but is cheerful chauffeur to several players.Helps to maximise Thursday subs too.
Smudge: steady imbiber with high bar attendance; ensures the rounds keep coming usually without moving a muscle.
TimVB: self-proclaimed Voice of Reason, should speak and certainly shout less; nominated for his justified criticism of-and ability to wind up- Mad Dave.
Winner. Smudge.
The Raw Meat. Formerly the Top Tackle this is awarded to a player who does what’s required -often with efficient violence.
Your Choices: Baby: Fine positional sense and declining but still reasonable pace means that he intercepts more than he tackles but he certainly enjoys a bit of shithousery.
Finchy: Great timing and determination allows him to dominate many a forward often nipping in front to win the ball. Back him to win all 50-50s.
Matt: Perhaps more Ron Harris than Bobby Moore but regularly breaks down attacks with his scything and often legal approach. An apologetic hard man who does what’s necessary. ( Chef, Paul G, The Squire and Taj didn’t play enough games to be nominated but all like a tackle.)
Winner. Matt.
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2020-21 SEASON
Most Used Tampon: Winner: Chris – an ever present. Closely pursued by Doyley and Tonksy on 20 appearances each.
Golden Tampon : Winner: Graham- 16 goals in 17 appearances. (Then he f**ked off for most of last season!). Closely pursued by nobody: Tonksy(!?!),Baby, Chris, Mike and Doyley on 4 each.
Goal of the Season: You vote on this one….
Baby: in a 2-1 win over Erith: a free kick just over the halfway line, the cocky but good, 20 something keeper heads to his far post, Baby clocks this, calls his intention to those on the sideline ( including the legion of Erith subs) and smashes the ball into the top corner near post. Baby has the biggest of grins ( perhaps not seen again until Alex’s exam results) and the keeper furiously and repeatedly kicks the post.
Graham: in a heavy defeat to Cudham: good passing from front to back,stemming from Tim’s nod down to Chris. Graham advances and strikes a flighted drive from 25 yards into the top corner.
( Reminiscent of Colin Powell back in the day.)
Graham: in a 2-3 defeat to Santos. A solo effort, G picking up the ball in our half embarking on a Giggs like run, leaving defenders in his wake and riding several dubious challenges he slalomed through into the box. Forced slightly wide by the last defender he maintained his balance to clip the ball past the advancing keeper. ( Scored a similar goal in his hat trick for a 3-2 win over Avery Hill, the following match.)
Winner: Baby.
Most Used Tampon: Winner: Chris – an ever present. Closely pursued by Doyley and Tonksy on 20 appearances each.
Golden Tampon : Winner: Graham- 16 goals in 17 appearances. (Then he f**ked off for most of last season!). Closely pursued by nobody: Tonksy(!?!),Baby, Chris, Mike and Doyley on 4 each.
Goal of the Season: You vote on this one….
Baby: in a 2-1 win over Erith: a free kick just over the halfway line, the cocky but good, 20 something keeper heads to his far post, Baby clocks this, calls his intention to those on the sideline ( including the legion of Erith subs) and smashes the ball into the top corner near post. Baby has the biggest of grins ( perhaps not seen again until Alex’s exam results) and the keeper furiously and repeatedly kicks the post.
Graham: in a heavy defeat to Cudham: good passing from front to back,stemming from Tim’s nod down to Chris. Graham advances and strikes a flighted drive from 25 yards into the top corner.
( Reminiscent of Colin Powell back in the day.)
Graham: in a 2-3 defeat to Santos. A solo effort, G picking up the ball in our half embarking on a Giggs like run, leaving defenders in his wake and riding several dubious challenges he slalomed through into the box. Forced slightly wide by the last defender he maintained his balance to clip the ball past the advancing keeper. ( Scored a similar goal in his hat trick for a 3-2 win over Avery Hill, the following match.)
Winner: Baby.
Old Tamponians 2019-20 End of Season Awards
2019-20: Played 22; Won 7; Lost 10; Drew 5. Five clean sheets ( Includes The Squire is 60 exhibition game.)
For: 47 Against 60. 27 goals conceded in 4 games; 19 goals conceded in last 4 regular season games.
2019-20: Played 22; Won 7; Lost 10; Drew 5. Five clean sheets ( Includes The Squire is 60 exhibition game.)
For: 47 Against 60. 27 goals conceded in 4 games; 19 goals conceded in last 4 regular season games.
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Player Awards - 2018/19
2018-19: Played:29; Won 10; Lost 13; Drew 6. One clean sheet. (Includes club game against Young Vets)
For:83; Against 93
Old Tamponians 2018-19 End of Season Awards
The Big Ones
1. Players’ Player of the Season
Mike - not only scored 30 goals in his 24 games (now 47 in 41 club games) but had some impressive misses. Can take his time finishing but seems to understand Doyley more than most.
Chris - very solid in the centre of defence and was present at the only game he didn’t play in. (Wasted after an exceptionally heavy night he gave a masterful exhibition of understated linemanship.) Second reserve keeper who likes to use his feet.
John - excellent both in centre mid and more often on the right where he often covers for his attack minded brother. Wins us a lot of ball and is developing his passing game. We miss him when he can’t play.
Winner: John
2. Best of the Rest. (for top players who have missed more than 10 games)
Podge - played well in his 13 games, excellent both in midfield and at the back; 3 goals and never has a quiet game.
Paul - 13 goals and a high number of assists adding a lot both when we’re in possession and when we need to defend. Perhaps not the longest in the shower.
Baby- not only adds some much needed pace to the defence but reads ( and shoots) the game well so only occasionally has to take out oppo attackers gratuitously.Provided excellent Secret Santa present.
Winner: Baby
3. Golden Tampon: Mike (30 goals 24 games)
4. Miss of the Season: A free vote but you might like to consider……Tonksy away to Inter Viagra only had the keeper to beat, fiddled about, wasted the opportunity. Mike Erith away, back off the bar a simple tap in from close range surely? Oh dear!!!! Doyley quite a few to chose from but perhaps the worst that open goal at Charter Diamond. An outsider perhaps but Steve R is an option, free at a corner late in the home game with SANCO, would have been a deserved equaliser but powered over the bar.
Winner: Mike
5. Top Tackle: Two mentions : Tonksy taking the ball off Mike’s toe at Cudham and for Steve R ‘for closing down two innocent young girls in the corner under the guise of saying goodbye to Amy and Megan’. Single tackles: Podge on Quick Mick, Erith at home. Scholesy on Dessi in the first Avery Hill game.
Main contenders: Chris – so brave he used his nuts on at least one occasion, put head to opponent’s boot away at Wellcome.
Baby- many a strong challenge and most of them legal. John winning plenty of ball all over the park; quite popular in Farnborough.
Winner: Chris and Baby
6. Own Goal of the Season: Dave – on debut and with close to his first touch, passed the ball into the net giving Mark no chance. Graham- Catford at home-ball in from the right, Smudge left it to Mark who stayed on his line and shouted ‘Away!’ with G speeding in from the left to power a fantastic first time right footed effort into the roof of the net. Doyley contributing in style to that great game away to Wellcome- defending a corner, lined up to head the ball away turned his back for the perfect angle to deflect the ball into the net.
Winner: Graham
7. Mr Tumble: Smudge ruled himself out in our first game: ‘It was a slip not a proper fall’. (Or did he?)Other Contenders: surprisingly only two happened on our own turf (quality groundsmanship??!!?) Chris – Santos first game, surging forward, studs caught in the turf and a shoulder thumping fall. Steve R-SANCO at home, to avoid chasing back perhaps, threw himself face first to the floor. Graham-Catford away- he wasn’t happy beforehand but even less so after hitting the deck: ‘Oh, for f**k’s sake!!’ Taj – SANCO away, a pirouetting dying swan routine but he managed to keep possession as the oppo looked on in awe.
Winner: Taj
8. Sick Note: Contenders: Dave T- injured pre-match walking the dog. Mike – some on the day texts including: ‘Still got a temperature and no voice.’ Scholesy – for all those injuries AND delaying kick off by having a dump and getting himself locked in the changing room.
(Honourable Mentions: Smudge’s hamstring, Mark’s gout and manual work strain, Tonksy’s cameo at Catford.)
Winner: Scholesy
9. OSCDT: Whatever is written here there’s usually only one winner…..
Contenders: Paul reaching places and players nobody else can. Who can forget the ball ‘out wide’ to substituted Doyley at Erith? Baby not only does he kick it a long way but turns defence into attack with a single boot; self- critical expletives when the odd pass flies straight into touch. Smudge- looking beyond that failed drag back that gave the Ash a draw – the maestro was as imperious as ever pinging it short, long and sideways, picked out a surging Chris with a pinpoint cross- Erith away.
Winner: Smudge - but it was close!
10. Goal of the Season: Lots of good goals gives quite a crowded field so this is a free choice allowing for some pre- voting lobbying by anyone who wants to claim the award.
Suggestions: Paul- outside of boot last game of season, 30 yard chip again against Crofton first game, a perfectly flighted free kick at SANCO.
Chris- that header at Erith. A surge, a leap, a bullet – boom!
Doyley a very well taken goal to finish off a good team move at Cudham;another in home game against Erith after a Mike knock down and a one-two with Tonksy.
Podge – only scores good goals: Canning Town following Roy’s inspirational dribble from goal and line ball to Mike who squared it for the finish; another Mike assist from Baby’s booming goal kick with Podge running on to slide past the keeper- with his right foot.
Mike- plenty to choose from: the overhead against Crofton in March, from Scholesy’s well flighted corner headed back by Doyley; holding off Mad Dave in first Avery Hill game and rounding the keeper; that equaliser at SANCO- tantalising the defence and us but finished well-eventually!; hat trick goal against Wellcome- fine cross from Doyley,chested down and smashed home; good one at West Farleigh too.
Taj- the pick of seven against Santos: leaping like a salmon at the back post to power home Paul’s brilliant cross.
Winner: Paul
For:83; Against 93
Old Tamponians 2018-19 End of Season Awards
The Big Ones
1. Players’ Player of the Season
Mike - not only scored 30 goals in his 24 games (now 47 in 41 club games) but had some impressive misses. Can take his time finishing but seems to understand Doyley more than most.
Chris - very solid in the centre of defence and was present at the only game he didn’t play in. (Wasted after an exceptionally heavy night he gave a masterful exhibition of understated linemanship.) Second reserve keeper who likes to use his feet.
John - excellent both in centre mid and more often on the right where he often covers for his attack minded brother. Wins us a lot of ball and is developing his passing game. We miss him when he can’t play.
Winner: John
2. Best of the Rest. (for top players who have missed more than 10 games)
Podge - played well in his 13 games, excellent both in midfield and at the back; 3 goals and never has a quiet game.
Paul - 13 goals and a high number of assists adding a lot both when we’re in possession and when we need to defend. Perhaps not the longest in the shower.
Baby- not only adds some much needed pace to the defence but reads ( and shoots) the game well so only occasionally has to take out oppo attackers gratuitously.Provided excellent Secret Santa present.
Winner: Baby
3. Golden Tampon: Mike (30 goals 24 games)
4. Miss of the Season: A free vote but you might like to consider……Tonksy away to Inter Viagra only had the keeper to beat, fiddled about, wasted the opportunity. Mike Erith away, back off the bar a simple tap in from close range surely? Oh dear!!!! Doyley quite a few to chose from but perhaps the worst that open goal at Charter Diamond. An outsider perhaps but Steve R is an option, free at a corner late in the home game with SANCO, would have been a deserved equaliser but powered over the bar.
Winner: Mike
5. Top Tackle: Two mentions : Tonksy taking the ball off Mike’s toe at Cudham and for Steve R ‘for closing down two innocent young girls in the corner under the guise of saying goodbye to Amy and Megan’. Single tackles: Podge on Quick Mick, Erith at home. Scholesy on Dessi in the first Avery Hill game.
Main contenders: Chris – so brave he used his nuts on at least one occasion, put head to opponent’s boot away at Wellcome.
Baby- many a strong challenge and most of them legal. John winning plenty of ball all over the park; quite popular in Farnborough.
Winner: Chris and Baby
6. Own Goal of the Season: Dave – on debut and with close to his first touch, passed the ball into the net giving Mark no chance. Graham- Catford at home-ball in from the right, Smudge left it to Mark who stayed on his line and shouted ‘Away!’ with G speeding in from the left to power a fantastic first time right footed effort into the roof of the net. Doyley contributing in style to that great game away to Wellcome- defending a corner, lined up to head the ball away turned his back for the perfect angle to deflect the ball into the net.
Winner: Graham
7. Mr Tumble: Smudge ruled himself out in our first game: ‘It was a slip not a proper fall’. (Or did he?)Other Contenders: surprisingly only two happened on our own turf (quality groundsmanship??!!?) Chris – Santos first game, surging forward, studs caught in the turf and a shoulder thumping fall. Steve R-SANCO at home, to avoid chasing back perhaps, threw himself face first to the floor. Graham-Catford away- he wasn’t happy beforehand but even less so after hitting the deck: ‘Oh, for f**k’s sake!!’ Taj – SANCO away, a pirouetting dying swan routine but he managed to keep possession as the oppo looked on in awe.
Winner: Taj
8. Sick Note: Contenders: Dave T- injured pre-match walking the dog. Mike – some on the day texts including: ‘Still got a temperature and no voice.’ Scholesy – for all those injuries AND delaying kick off by having a dump and getting himself locked in the changing room.
(Honourable Mentions: Smudge’s hamstring, Mark’s gout and manual work strain, Tonksy’s cameo at Catford.)
Winner: Scholesy
9. OSCDT: Whatever is written here there’s usually only one winner…..
Contenders: Paul reaching places and players nobody else can. Who can forget the ball ‘out wide’ to substituted Doyley at Erith? Baby not only does he kick it a long way but turns defence into attack with a single boot; self- critical expletives when the odd pass flies straight into touch. Smudge- looking beyond that failed drag back that gave the Ash a draw – the maestro was as imperious as ever pinging it short, long and sideways, picked out a surging Chris with a pinpoint cross- Erith away.
Winner: Smudge - but it was close!
10. Goal of the Season: Lots of good goals gives quite a crowded field so this is a free choice allowing for some pre- voting lobbying by anyone who wants to claim the award.
Suggestions: Paul- outside of boot last game of season, 30 yard chip again against Crofton first game, a perfectly flighted free kick at SANCO.
Chris- that header at Erith. A surge, a leap, a bullet – boom!
Doyley a very well taken goal to finish off a good team move at Cudham;another in home game against Erith after a Mike knock down and a one-two with Tonksy.
Podge – only scores good goals: Canning Town following Roy’s inspirational dribble from goal and line ball to Mike who squared it for the finish; another Mike assist from Baby’s booming goal kick with Podge running on to slide past the keeper- with his right foot.
Mike- plenty to choose from: the overhead against Crofton in March, from Scholesy’s well flighted corner headed back by Doyley; holding off Mad Dave in first Avery Hill game and rounding the keeper; that equaliser at SANCO- tantalising the defence and us but finished well-eventually!; hat trick goal against Wellcome- fine cross from Doyley,chested down and smashed home; good one at West Farleigh too.
Taj- the pick of seven against Santos: leaping like a salmon at the back post to power home Paul’s brilliant cross.
Winner: Paul
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End of Season Round - up.
What they said: It was a slip- not a proper fall. You did well today Roy. I’ve run around a lot today -which is not my game. I’ll play how I want to play. If only our forwards could score. He’s got a very strange shaped head. You fat f**k!! Ooh! You bastard. Get your hands off me! Come on lads- it’s a team game. Not only is their number 10 a good player- he’s good looking as well. 3-0 when you came on Smudge. 3-1 when Tonksy and John came back on! We all have our limitations- and Doyley had a good game. We lost 2-1 last time we were here but we had a much better side that day. 3 of our better players are still changing- as soon as they get here we get them on! The keeper may have had something to do with their second goal. Sometimes you just have to have a shot instead of messing around in the box! Shut it! Shut it!!
Jamie Oliver is a c**t! A complete c**t! Smashed him in every sense! Get on the weights! Hold it Doyley! Hold it Doyley! Hold it!!!...F**king hell! I know it was a foul but he didn’t go down.
Roy,that’s absolute bollocks! He shouldn’t call me a dickhead!
Just f**king finish! If we score the next goal then they collapse completely- but if they get it it’s gonna be a hard second half. No wonder I’ve only got one goal this season.
Out wide! That’s surprising- I never thought I’d see that. It was like Mitch was back working on the railways. Tonksy! You’re playing right midfield! How did he do that? Carabao Cup ball! Carabao Cup ball! I could see that going in. I’ve never seen his willy! I always wondered who picks up guide dogs’ sh*t?
2018-19 Played: 29. Won 10. Lost 13 Drew 6. For: 83 Against 93.
( includes club game against Young Vets.). One clean sheet.
2017-18. Played: 33 Won 15. Lost 11. Drew 7. For 84 Against 68.
( includes club game against Young Vets). Five clean sheets.
2016-17. Played: 30. Won 13. Lost 11 Drew 6 For 70 Against 73. One clean sheet.
7 players over 20 appearances. 10 other players in double figures.
Appearances and Goals.
Chris. 28. 3
Mark. 26
Smudge. 26. 1
Steve D. 24. 11
Mike. 24. 30
Roy. 24. 2*. *may include an own goal.
Taj. 22. 6
John. 19. 2
Steve R. 19. 1
Tonksy. 18. 2
Baby. 17
Paul. 16. 13
Scholesy. 13. 1
Graham. 13. 1
Podge. 13. 3
Tim. 13.
Dave. 12
Mitch. 9
Mick S. 6
Charlie. 5
Steve L. 2
Andy. 1
(Other Goals: Own Goals: 2. Dillsy, Yen, Jack, Matt, Scary- one each. )
What they said: It was a slip- not a proper fall. You did well today Roy. I’ve run around a lot today -which is not my game. I’ll play how I want to play. If only our forwards could score. He’s got a very strange shaped head. You fat f**k!! Ooh! You bastard. Get your hands off me! Come on lads- it’s a team game. Not only is their number 10 a good player- he’s good looking as well. 3-0 when you came on Smudge. 3-1 when Tonksy and John came back on! We all have our limitations- and Doyley had a good game. We lost 2-1 last time we were here but we had a much better side that day. 3 of our better players are still changing- as soon as they get here we get them on! The keeper may have had something to do with their second goal. Sometimes you just have to have a shot instead of messing around in the box! Shut it! Shut it!!
Jamie Oliver is a c**t! A complete c**t! Smashed him in every sense! Get on the weights! Hold it Doyley! Hold it Doyley! Hold it!!!...F**king hell! I know it was a foul but he didn’t go down.
Roy,that’s absolute bollocks! He shouldn’t call me a dickhead!
Just f**king finish! If we score the next goal then they collapse completely- but if they get it it’s gonna be a hard second half. No wonder I’ve only got one goal this season.
Out wide! That’s surprising- I never thought I’d see that. It was like Mitch was back working on the railways. Tonksy! You’re playing right midfield! How did he do that? Carabao Cup ball! Carabao Cup ball! I could see that going in. I’ve never seen his willy! I always wondered who picks up guide dogs’ sh*t?
2018-19 Played: 29. Won 10. Lost 13 Drew 6. For: 83 Against 93.
( includes club game against Young Vets.). One clean sheet.
2017-18. Played: 33 Won 15. Lost 11. Drew 7. For 84 Against 68.
( includes club game against Young Vets). Five clean sheets.
2016-17. Played: 30. Won 13. Lost 11 Drew 6 For 70 Against 73. One clean sheet.
7 players over 20 appearances. 10 other players in double figures.
Appearances and Goals.
Chris. 28. 3
Mark. 26
Smudge. 26. 1
Steve D. 24. 11
Mike. 24. 30
Roy. 24. 2*. *may include an own goal.
Taj. 22. 6
John. 19. 2
Steve R. 19. 1
Tonksy. 18. 2
Baby. 17
Paul. 16. 13
Scholesy. 13. 1
Graham. 13. 1
Podge. 13. 3
Tim. 13.
Dave. 12
Mitch. 9
Mick S. 6
Charlie. 5
Steve L. 2
Andy. 1
(Other Goals: Own Goals: 2. Dillsy, Yen, Jack, Matt, Scary- one each. )
Player Awards - 2017/18
Old Tamponians 2017-18: End of Season Awards. The Results.
Miss of the Season. A free choice- will you go for quality of miss – or quantity of misses?
Winner: Steve Doyle
Mr Tackle. Choose between the defensive rocks- Baby, Chris, Taj-,Mr Mobile from midfield: The Squire or our oldest Tampon, Mitch.
Winner: Baby
The Midfield Master. Select from the engine room trio with a combined total of 73 appearances this season : The Technician, The Squire and The Lovely John.
Winner: Tonksy, aka, The Technician
Save of the Season. There are 3 choices but good as he is- as he only played the one game, Matt has to be the outsider with Mark and Roy completing the options.
Winner: Mark
OSCDT Award. As you would expect for this prestigious award the qualities of skill and refinement (and never doing anything wrong whilst being better than the rest) characterise all 3 candidates: Graham, Paul and Smudger.
Winner: Smudger. (Who else??!!!)
Goal of the Season. 84 goals scored this season and many of them -class! The four to chose from are: Roy (Farnborough away), The Squire (Charter Diamond at home), Paul ( the winner against Wellcome), and Scholesy ( in the second win against Crofton).
Winner: Paul
The Earth Moved Award. They were the men who fell to earth. In one case often causing a lot of anger- as well as some disbelief- in the oppo and in two cases, a lot of amusement for all. Select from Scholesy, Mike, and Smudge.
Winner: Smudge.
Most Versatile (and Volatile) Tampon. Two of the team’s most important players and Mr I’m the Only One Who can Play Anywhere : your choice is between Paul, Taj and Roy.
Winner: Roy. ( When Roy had received most votes it was confirmed that the award was actually for Most Volatile Tampon)
Best of the Rest. They haven’t played as frequently as many this season, so can’t be included in the Players’ Player award, but when they have played they’ve added a range of things to the team: goals (17 of them in one case),fury, mid life crisis, bite, gun talk and self- delusion. Must be quite a tough call picking one from Mike, Podge, Good Graham, Baby, and Scholesy,
Winner: Podge
And finally, the Big One:
Players’ Player. As you’d expect in this final category some fantastic performances from our nominees: some of the worst clips posted in the WhatsApp group, pulling himself off for the whole of the second half in that tight last game against Avery Hill, sending an obviously photoshopped picture of himself claiming to be at an iconic building in Agra- when he probably was under the thumb in Bluewater, regularly arriving last minute but still always remembering to take his cap off before kick off and regularly rallying the team with common sense calls and well reasoned advice- in one instance before producing the most gratuitous hack of the season, your choices are: Mark TK, the Squire, Taj, Paul and Steve R.
Winner: Steve R.
Most Used Tampon: Steve D. (31 appearances.)
Golden Tampon: Mike (17 goals in 17 games.)
Silver Tampon: Paul (14 goals in 19 games.)
Miss of the Season. A free choice- will you go for quality of miss – or quantity of misses?
Winner: Steve Doyle
Mr Tackle. Choose between the defensive rocks- Baby, Chris, Taj-,Mr Mobile from midfield: The Squire or our oldest Tampon, Mitch.
Winner: Baby
The Midfield Master. Select from the engine room trio with a combined total of 73 appearances this season : The Technician, The Squire and The Lovely John.
Winner: Tonksy, aka, The Technician
Save of the Season. There are 3 choices but good as he is- as he only played the one game, Matt has to be the outsider with Mark and Roy completing the options.
Winner: Mark
OSCDT Award. As you would expect for this prestigious award the qualities of skill and refinement (and never doing anything wrong whilst being better than the rest) characterise all 3 candidates: Graham, Paul and Smudger.
Winner: Smudger. (Who else??!!!)
Goal of the Season. 84 goals scored this season and many of them -class! The four to chose from are: Roy (Farnborough away), The Squire (Charter Diamond at home), Paul ( the winner against Wellcome), and Scholesy ( in the second win against Crofton).
Winner: Paul
The Earth Moved Award. They were the men who fell to earth. In one case often causing a lot of anger- as well as some disbelief- in the oppo and in two cases, a lot of amusement for all. Select from Scholesy, Mike, and Smudge.
Winner: Smudge.
Most Versatile (and Volatile) Tampon. Two of the team’s most important players and Mr I’m the Only One Who can Play Anywhere : your choice is between Paul, Taj and Roy.
Winner: Roy. ( When Roy had received most votes it was confirmed that the award was actually for Most Volatile Tampon)
Best of the Rest. They haven’t played as frequently as many this season, so can’t be included in the Players’ Player award, but when they have played they’ve added a range of things to the team: goals (17 of them in one case),fury, mid life crisis, bite, gun talk and self- delusion. Must be quite a tough call picking one from Mike, Podge, Good Graham, Baby, and Scholesy,
Winner: Podge
And finally, the Big One:
Players’ Player. As you’d expect in this final category some fantastic performances from our nominees: some of the worst clips posted in the WhatsApp group, pulling himself off for the whole of the second half in that tight last game against Avery Hill, sending an obviously photoshopped picture of himself claiming to be at an iconic building in Agra- when he probably was under the thumb in Bluewater, regularly arriving last minute but still always remembering to take his cap off before kick off and regularly rallying the team with common sense calls and well reasoned advice- in one instance before producing the most gratuitous hack of the season, your choices are: Mark TK, the Squire, Taj, Paul and Steve R.
Winner: Steve R.
Most Used Tampon: Steve D. (31 appearances.)
Golden Tampon: Mike (17 goals in 17 games.)
Silver Tampon: Paul (14 goals in 19 games.)
......and finally the 'Tamps in Action' courtesy of West Farleigh Sports - November 2017
Player Awards - 2016/17
Old Tamponians 2016-17: End of Season Summary
As ever a mixed season for us: some fine performances both in victory (Cudham at home, Erith and Charlton Rangers away) and in defeat (Young Vets, Metrogas away and the second Avery Hill fixture) but also some games we threw away (Ashburnham Arms, Inter Viagra away).
Scheduled fixtures : Played 30 Won 13 Lost 11 Drawn 6.
( 4 Cancelled ). 70 goals for; 73 against.
Also: replacement fixture with Young Vets: lost 0-3.
38 players used. 26 played 3 or more games. 15 played 10 or more games. 9 played 20 or more games. 9 played a single game.
19 different goal scorers plus one own goal.
One clean sheet- against Charter Diamond ( robbed against Crofton in March though!!).
We failed to score in 4 games-Including against Young Vets- also against Avery Hill, Farnborough and SANCO away.
Appearances and goals
Appearances. Goals.
Mark TK. 30
Chris 30 5 (5 pens.)
Steve D. 29 14
Roy 29 2
Tim 28
Taj 26 5
Smudge 26 2
Tonksy 23 3
Scholesy 20 3
John 18 2
Steve R 17 1
Paul T 16 15
Graham 15 3
Mark DaBike 15 4
Podge 13 4
Clive 8 1
The Squire 7
Mitch 7
Micky DVD 6
Baby 6
Ains 4
Steve L 4
Simon 3 1
Charlie 3
Pocky 3
Finchy 3 1
Stuart 2
Cameron 2
Paul G 2 1
Also played one game: Jim, Craig, Paul D, Mark C, Clarkie, Mad Dave, Neil (1 goal), Danny, Nathan.
Quotes of the Season. Was it a guide dog? I don’t shake hands! I was here first- I should be captain! He’s not the full shilling. ( About an AH opponent.). Dumb and Dumber up front. Move across! Move across! I get Hilary to stroke it every night. I’m so versatile. I’m the only one who can play anywhere. I didn’t put them in the goal. Where’s Scholesy? I want to show him my ball bag. He goes down like an old woman. An unbelievable result for a very ordinary side. Sweep the dressing room and I’m still not skipper! I didn’t see the game but I’m sure we were shit. I don’t know why we don’t build a team around Roy. I’ll ref for a half if I can go up front for a half.
Linford Christie wouldn’t have got there. Yes Steve – but you’re more Agatha Christie.
I’m giving it- there’s only 4 minutes left. I’m not the most intelligent of people. I’ve got something to do in a bit. I don’t give foul throws. It’s adult football Pocky! I don’t know what Roy’s doing! Micky’s! Yeah- no! Yeah! …Oh no! It’s awful watching us- we’re so slow. Just awful really.
As ever a mixed season for us: some fine performances both in victory (Cudham at home, Erith and Charlton Rangers away) and in defeat (Young Vets, Metrogas away and the second Avery Hill fixture) but also some games we threw away (Ashburnham Arms, Inter Viagra away).
Scheduled fixtures : Played 30 Won 13 Lost 11 Drawn 6.
( 4 Cancelled ). 70 goals for; 73 against.
Also: replacement fixture with Young Vets: lost 0-3.
38 players used. 26 played 3 or more games. 15 played 10 or more games. 9 played 20 or more games. 9 played a single game.
19 different goal scorers plus one own goal.
One clean sheet- against Charter Diamond ( robbed against Crofton in March though!!).
We failed to score in 4 games-Including against Young Vets- also against Avery Hill, Farnborough and SANCO away.
Appearances and goals
Appearances. Goals.
Mark TK. 30
Chris 30 5 (5 pens.)
Steve D. 29 14
Roy 29 2
Tim 28
Taj 26 5
Smudge 26 2
Tonksy 23 3
Scholesy 20 3
John 18 2
Steve R 17 1
Paul T 16 15
Graham 15 3
Mark DaBike 15 4
Podge 13 4
Clive 8 1
The Squire 7
Mitch 7
Micky DVD 6
Baby 6
Ains 4
Steve L 4
Simon 3 1
Charlie 3
Pocky 3
Finchy 3 1
Stuart 2
Cameron 2
Paul G 2 1
Also played one game: Jim, Craig, Paul D, Mark C, Clarkie, Mad Dave, Neil (1 goal), Danny, Nathan.
Quotes of the Season. Was it a guide dog? I don’t shake hands! I was here first- I should be captain! He’s not the full shilling. ( About an AH opponent.). Dumb and Dumber up front. Move across! Move across! I get Hilary to stroke it every night. I’m so versatile. I’m the only one who can play anywhere. I didn’t put them in the goal. Where’s Scholesy? I want to show him my ball bag. He goes down like an old woman. An unbelievable result for a very ordinary side. Sweep the dressing room and I’m still not skipper! I didn’t see the game but I’m sure we were shit. I don’t know why we don’t build a team around Roy. I’ll ref for a half if I can go up front for a half.
Linford Christie wouldn’t have got there. Yes Steve – but you’re more Agatha Christie.
I’m giving it- there’s only 4 minutes left. I’m not the most intelligent of people. I’ve got something to do in a bit. I don’t give foul throws. It’s adult football Pocky! I don’t know what Roy’s doing! Micky’s! Yeah- no! Yeah! …Oh no! It’s awful watching us- we’re so slow. Just awful really.
