Team: Tony, Guest Lee, Podge, Guest Greeny/Chef, Steve A, Chris, Jon, Guest Chris, Little Dave, Doyley, Mike. (Tim: Ref )
In a Sentence: 9 Tamps and 3 guests go beyond expectations.
In a Word: Valiant. The Game: With Baby having to work on a Sunday (unheard of) and perhaps more injuries than ever (not so surprising) we were delighted to have 9 regulars and excellent guests brought by Tony and Steve A. Lee and Young Chris will always be welcome. As Chef would be late from work and after a week’s fishing in France involving at least two impressive carp we also benefited from Santos Greeny taking us up to 11 at kick off. He too did very well.
An unfamiliar line up and another unusual aspect was that Chris was our only player over 60. We gave a very good account of ourselves against decent and, largely, much younger opposition. Every player gave their all.
We were under pressure from the beginning but our defence were impressive. Lee at right back hadn’t played for a while but you wouldn’t have thought so. He tackled and covered effectively ( albeit without Matt’s enforcer bite) and got forward too. The same could be said for the left side where it was very good to have Steve A back. Podge and Greeny showed a good understanding from the outset and played out from the back well too. We were also helped by an astonishing save from Tony when he dived to clamp a strong arm on the ball just as it was about to cross the line. In midfield Guest Chris and Jon provided mobility and drive in the middle while Chris the Elder ensured he tracked opponents, reading the game effectively whilst covering for teammates. Little Dave helped us keep the ball and link up play. We didn’t create too many decent chances for the O’Donnell brothers up front but we were holding our own. Jon and Mike combined to set up a good opportunity for the latter but he snatched at his shot and blazed wide. Obviously he needed opportunities in the 6 yard box.
After 20 minutes though Santos opened the scoring with a well made goal. Would the flood gates open? A few seconds later we were level. Mike played the kick off back to Young Chris who drove the ball from a few yards in his own half over the keeper’s head and into the net. Impressive. Minutes later we were in the lead. Dave received the ball on the left controlling the ball with his body ( there were a few shouts for handball) before passing inside. Young Chris played it into the box and ,with the defender misjudging it’s flight, Mike was able to take the ball on and round the advancing keeper shifting it onto his left to tap home. He’d found his range.
Chef had now arrived to enter the fray (replacing Greeny ) with us 2-1 up- it wasn’t to last. It was 2-3 at half time with Santos scoring two well worked goals, the second in the minute before half time. Santos certainly had more of the play in the second half. We had to face a series of well delivered corners but our marking and challenges were good. We also faced a direct free kick from a dangerous spot but the wall was well positioned and Podge deflected the shot wide keeping his eye on the ball, having urged the taker to find his visage.
Tony made a rare error for one of the two Santos second half goals, the ball slipping from his grasp for Robbo to fire into the net from a narrow angle. The other was another well worked goal. We brought it back to 4-3 with minutes to go. Steve A put the ball into the box and found a corridor of uncertainty where goalkeeper and centre half hesitated and allowed Mike to slip between them and poke the ball home. (Or was it an OG? The centre half was certain Mike had got the last touch.🤔) We couldn’t get the equaliser however. Jon almost found Young Chris deep in the box on two occasions the first of which was tantalisingly close to setting up a one on one. Mike had a late chance but volleyed high into the trees behind the goal at least generating decent contact if not accuracy- Chef had earlier managed neither with a rather effete, ill judged effort. A seventh defeat of the Season but a determined and strong performance.
What they said: ‘That’s a man padding his stats’. Mike’s strong rejection of an own goal brings out some scepticism.
‘ Not the teeth!’ Santos full back Jim, just back from a new gnashers trip to Turkey , receives sort of sympathy after Young Chris heads him in the mouth.
‘Did you score from the halfway line Chris?’ Josh to the wrong Chris - after rumour and disbelief has spread through Avery Hill players in the bar.
Belvedere. Home Tennis Court Pitch. 06.04.25.
1- 0. (Cookie).
Team: Tony, Matt, Paul G, Baby, Chris, Paul T, Cookie, Podge, Little Dave, Doyley, Graham, Roy. ( Tim: Ref.) In a Sentence: At least the two keepers played well. In a Word: Forgettable. The Game: With two drop outs on the day- Ryan’s hamstring issue and Mike’s public transport problems – we would have been the bare 11 again but for Roy coming along as Sub ( and also running the Line) despite his knee issue and the imminent replacement operation. He was to be needed too. It was probably a good thing that a bigger squad ( stalwarts Tonksy and Smudge were missing due to ‘f**ked knee’ and a rib issue respectively) didn’t have to witness a rather fractious contest with a distinct absence of flowing football from both sides who, at one point, just seemed intent on kicking the ball high into the air and some of the time keeping it in play. We also had to stem Little Dave’s blood flow at half time.
There were plenty of early chances and they fell to Doyley. Unfortunately his attempts found the keeper and when he was beaten defenders blocked and cleared on the goal line. We had a run of corners and from one of these Doyley employed his rarely used right foot to powerfully smash a shot over the bar from 10 yards out.
Belvedere – often with help from us- fashioned chances and Tony made a series of excellent saves throughout the game to keep us level.
More notable than most of the football was an over aggressive level of competition- particularly from the Poundland Jimmy Bullard who seemed to find it necessary to contest every decision- including those that went for his side. He offered to ‘see’ Baby after the game and everybody agreed when Roy as Lino suggested he should ‘ Shut your f**king mouth!’ Belvedere were energetic and had some pace but our 5 man midfield had a little more control through Dave, Chris, Paul T, Podge and Cookie. Tim had to intervene as words and dark looks were exchanged between an aggrieved Matt and an opponent who ran into him long after Matt had played the ball. It was probably just a coincidence that Matt had received a call to bring him, unusually, into work in the afternoon- even requiring him to forego his Fosters Shandy.
We were guilty of not taking opportunities and most of the team were at fault. Paul T’s well delivered free kick was flighted accurately for Paul G, a chance he would normally bury, but on this occasion, perhaps caught in two minds, he glanced the ball across goal. Paul T was on the end of our best bit of attacking team play when, after some decent interplay, Graham rolled the ball to him on the edge of the box. Again normally the shot would at least have worked the keeper but this time the effort went tamely wide. A fine cross to the far post from Cookie looked as if it would lead to an opening goal but Graham, unchallenged, headed off target. Perhaps injuries were having an effect: Graham had shyly complained about a bulge in his groin and Paul T had to take time out of the game because of his knee problem.
Roy had come in for him and in his short time on the pitch did well. His first touch was to head the ball on creating a decent opportunity for Cookie who on this occasion didn’t trouble the keeper. Roy also had a decent shot that brought another good save from the oppo keeper.
However, with 5 minutes to go Cookie did break the deadlock. Matt played the ball forward on the right and with the defender hesitating Cookie was able to run onto Mr Assist’s precision pass/Hail Mary lump, move the ball on to his left foot and curve his shot beyond the keeper’s right hand and inside the far post. Get in! Belvedere did have time left to force the draw but their efforts were hampered by much grumbling and some unnecessary fouls. When Graham was felled with a two handed push by the right hand corner flag the PJB lost his shit one too many times and Tim sent him off. He didn’t hang around to carry on his discussion with Baby. We wondered why🤔. What they said: ‘Oh! That’s f**king w*nk!’ Baby moves on from the C bomb when he hits a rather wayward long ball.
‘ The sun was in my eyes’. Graham explains why he didn’t score.
‘Are we not even going to track back then?’ (‘Obviously not’.). Cookie after we gave the ball away at the back and Tony had to make to great point blank saves.
‘Hope it goes well Roy’. Everyone ahead of his knee op.
‘If Doyley could finish- we’d have been alright’. Paul G.
Team: The bare 11: Tony, Matt, Baby, Lee (AH), Josh (AH), Chris, Cookie, Graham, Tonksy, Doyley, Mike. ( Tim: Ref.) In a Sentence: A draw would have been a fair result. In a Word: Shaded.
The Game: Although there were 5 well taken goals there weren’t too many other decent chances. There was strong defence at both ends and an even contest in the middle of the park- once we’d gone to 3 at the back pushing Josh forward to match Charlton’s 5 in midfield. Both goalkeepers made decent saves but perhaps didn’t have a lot to do other than being alert from set plays as decent corners came in- in our case from both Graham and Cookie.
Charlton had pace – particularly through their three younger players- including young Walker with his impressive Adidas Predators. (SuperVets football??). Their tall centre forward Danny was a more than decent target man ( Sir Steer Karma had dealt with him in a previous fixture.) but after he’d opened the scoring timing his run well to get behind our defence and give Tony no chance, Lee and Baby in particular, minimised his impact.
We equalised mid way through the half. After Tony’s save, the ball was played through Josh and others to Graham whose deliciously delivered assist set up Mike to volley home from the right side of the box. ( Andy, the Charlton manager and usual goalkeeper was perhaps unfair on his brother between the sticks as Andy’s new gnashers bedded in, when he said he would have saved it.) Earlier Doyley had looked as if he might score but his powerful shot was pushed over.
It looked like it would be level at the break but almost on the stroke of half time Charlton got their second – another well worked goal, young Walker ‘ doing’ Tony with his eyes before firing home efficiently. Whilst it was a little frustrating to be behind, after a shaky first 10 we’d played well with everybody working hard: Tonksy chasing and harrying and reasonably often getting a foot or toe in. Matt’s brilliant tackle tracking his man into the middle of the pitch and winning the ball at full stretch was a highlight. Matt and Lee both had colds and brought a decent amount of spluttering and snot into proceedings. We determined to shorten our game a little and play even more through Cookie and Graham.
We enjoyed decent possession and repeatedly played the ball out of defence well with Matt, Lee and Baby all getting forward. We forced a series of corners and the keeper punched clear well on several occasions. A second equaliser was no more than we deserved. Chris, perhaps able to get forward more in the second period, found Mike in the box and his movement kept him away from his usual marker, giving him time to sit the defender and the keeper down, and then slot home. With the scores level and us continuing to threaten several oppo players became increasingly agitated with Tim’s refusal to award foul throws. Doyley had a great opportunity as the ball rebounded for him to go past two defenders but his tame shot was straight at the keeper. Mike went close with a glancing header from Graham’s inventive keepy-uppy overhead cross and couldn’t quite get decent contact on a half volley at the near post.
Charlton fashioned the winner late on. Their centre forward pulled Baby out wide leaving a gap for the long ball down the middle which, another younger opponent got to just before Tony, to loft the ball home. We dominated possession for the last 10 minutes but couldn’t work an opening for the leveller. Disappointing, but an excellent contest in which every one of ‘the bare 11’ gave their utmost. What they said: ‘ The assist of the Season’. Graham, modestly, recognises the superb quality of his highly skilful pass to Mike for our first goal. Used to be OSCDT- now it’s OGCDT.
‘ Like Ricky Villa’. A slightly exaggerated – in the bar description - of Mike’s footwork and ball control ( Ooh Missus!) before he notched his -and our- second.
‘Foul throw!’
‘You don’t get what you deserve in life’. Tonksy, taking a sip of his second half pint of Moretti , (big glass in those tiny hands) gets all philosophical.
‘Yes!’ Surj’s response when asked if we deserved a draw.
‘No- a Foster’s Shandy’. Matt insisting on this soft drink when asked if he would prefer a lager top.
A second defeat of the year - and a sixth this Season. (11 wins and 3 draws.)
Big thanks to Josh and Lee for more than making up the numbers. Great work both!
Inter viagra 0 - 6 Tamps (away) 23/03/25
Scorers . Mike, Doyley, OG, Russ, Asbo, Ryan
Team: Finchy, Matt H, Paul G, Baby, Si, Ryan, Cookie, Asbo, Michael, Doyley, Mike
In a word - Impressive
First off - big thanks to Russ, Michael and Dean from Belvedere to help make up the numbers With the gaffer, smudge tony etc away at the over 60’s game, management was left in baby’s hands . Deciding to go with Asbo and cookie in the middle ensured we started on the front front and within the opening minutes, cookie sent a ball over the top to Mike who , crossed an inviting ball into Ryan . The ball bouncing just before Ryan met it, ensured that the ball is still in the grounds of Crofton , It wasn’t long before the Tanps opened the scoring .
Michael playing a neat ball to Mike who let the ball run across him, hitting one low into the corner from the edge of the box . 1-0 Tamps
Tamps on the front foot now and playing some decent football had the bit between their teeth. Asbo with some great work down the right finally got the ball across the goal and Doyley was there to finish with aplomb,
The tamps in full control sat off last 15 mins of the first half, allowing inter some time on the ball but with little effect up top.
Tamps back four always in control and saw the half out without Finchy making a save .
Second half - Russ from belverdere went up top. Doyley dropping back to left mid and Michael back to left back .
Inter started the half as they finished the first but with no teeth up top, the Tamps found their flow again . Matt laying a ball out to Mike on the right who lost his man , Mike played it into cookie who took it on his midrift and put his foot through it for what we thought was 3-0.
The ref 10 yards behind cookie decided he had handled it , no Lino call, no inter calls . Bizarre The third came a minute or two later . Mike down the left, putting a ball in for Russ but an inter defender got there before and it spun off his foot and over the keeper for 3.
Inter heads now gone Tamps upped the tempo for the last ten and Russ inbetween two defenders placed the ball past the keeper for 4 after a lovely through ball from Asbo which confused their defence, Goal of the game arrived . Some lovely one touch play and running off eachother led to the ball down the right to Ryan who whipped in a lovely cross for Asbo to put his head on. Great finish, great team goal. The goals weren’t over just yet, as Ryan met the ball, turned his man and a cheeky outside of the foot finish into the bottom corner from the edge of the box completed a good mornings work .
What they said: Paul G - very little because “everyone did their job . Asbo - keeper went down in stages for mikes goal . Cookie - fuck off did that hit my hand
In a Word: Underwhelming. The Game: With late drop outs and at least one no show Crofton were down to a bare 11 ( including two guests both called Ross) - but did have Bill to do a fine job running the line. The Groundsman- Gaffer Graham- would later claim that he’d rolled the pitch but there were reasons to question this- including lots of bobbles. Crofton made the early running but our defence was good with Doyley covering for Dilsy when he frequently joined the attack.
There’d been little to trouble either keeper and when the first moment of note came it involved a serious injury. Whilst Matt was, surprisingly, innocent of any contact, the player challenging him went down with a scream and an ominous, accompanying pop of ligament. With Crofton reduced to 10 Tonksy relinquished his role as Lino to Smudge and joined the oppo ranks. The highlight of the half involved another going to ground: Chef advancing to the right byline readied himself to deliver a telling cross and fell over. Everybody laughed. The Groundsman had excelled himself.
Tony was receiving way more back passes than usual – perhaps Paul G had forgotten this wasn’t something we favoured- but dealt with them all effectively. His only save of note came when Big Al shot from distance and, haunted by the memory of the striker’s long range strike at Samuel Montague, Tony made the ground quickly, diving full length to his right to push the ball away for a corner. Eventually we opened the scoring with a decent goal. Our build up play had generally been good but we hadn’t fashioned much in front of goal. Now Matt picked up the ball and instead of laying it off to Roy on the right side surged past both him and a couple of defenders. It seemed that he might have lost control of the ball but a BFG stretch allowed him to set up Mike in the box who was able to evade the last defender and the onrushing keeper and pass the ball into the net. 1-0 at halftime.
Tonksy was welcomed back to the Tamps midfield for the second half, Smudge joining the oppo and Chris coming off after a good shift.
In the first 45 Crofton put in several decent corners and there were to be more than a few more in the first part of the second half as we struggled to get out of our half. The experienced Smudge seemed to be organising Crofton to better effect. Fortunately we repeatedly cleared danger with strong clearing headers from Paul G, Baby and Matt, and some brave ones from Dilsy and a good punch from Tony. Tony also made a great reflex save from a close range header and also had to parry away a dangerously swerving long range toe poke.
Gradually we sorted ourselves out perhaps responding to Podge’s measured, calm calls for improvement. A second goal duly arrived and it was a fortunate one. Dilsy had time to measure his cross from the left touchline and also time to curse when he realised he wasn’t picking out a teammate. The ball, though deceived the keeper, and floated over his desperate reach and under the bar. Soon after the keeper was again beaten but Podge’s right footed half volley when the ball fell back to him cannoned off the bar. Baby was later to point out that ‘..the initial shot- with his favoured left-was shit’. Crofton suffered another injury so Chris became our third player to help them out and he enjoyed winning his duels with Doyley.
We made the game safe when Roy was able to pick up the ball on the right and pass it on to Chef who took a touch and fired the ball home from the edge of the box. A powerful strike that arrowed where it was intended.
Tony had deserved a clean sheet at Belvedere but had been beaten at the last and it looked like it would happen again. Big Al burst into the box with no defenders close to challenge and thought he’d rounded Tony. A perfect full stretch dive took the ball cleanly off his toes. Tony then made it a fantastic double save when he blocked the Crofton midfielder when he looked to put the ball into the unguarded net. Superb! Podge could no longer run so took the whistle with Tim joining the fray and, to the amusement of his teammates, making a couple of tackles in his latest cameo. Up to 10 wins from 18 played. What they said:
‘It was just another overhit pass’. Smudge on Dilsy’s goal.
‘..and a tart’s drink’. Baby about Matt’s choice of drink- Fosters- as we ordered the round. We also had lessons in how to stop the room spinning when the worse for wear - this with reference to Matt’s hangover on the previous Sunday.
09.03.25. Belvedere (Away)
2-1. Doyley. Mike.
Team: Tony, Matt, Cookie, Baby, Graham, Chris, Paul ( Avery Hill), Tonksy, Doyley, Mike, Par (AH), Josh (AH), Paul T, Smudge, Tim.
In a Word: Comfortable.
In a Sentence: The morning after the day before…
The Game: Though we were characteristically inconsistent in our play, particularly in the first half, this was an easier win than the scoreline suggests. We benefitted from some guest additions to the squad and decent numbers were a definite requirement given a Saturday trip to Faversham that had seen Graham and Matt in particular drink their fill.
Having won the toss Belvedere chose to kick up the hill to start with, the change of ends being both a warm up and a challenge for some of our team. The play was a bit scrappy from both sides and Belvedere looked more threatening in the opening period as we regularly gave the ball away. Gradually we settled with Cookie and Baby leading the defence well and Graham finding plenty of space on the left- including on one occasion to dribble from one box to the other that caused amusement rather than creating a chance.(He tried to repeat the feat in the second half though this time the uphill gradient reduced his pace.) Matt was exceeding his expectations on the right and was pleased to allow Josh to take over after 20. By then we were 1-0 up. We’d threatened from some decent Graham corners but it was a Tonksy cross, the bobble, helping him to angle the ball to the far post for well positioned left midfielder Doyley deep on the right hand side to head home. Thinking that this could be peak Tonks, Tim substituted him so that we could have calm Paul T alongside angry Avery Paul in the centre of the park. The latter was to be booked for a second over robust challenge. He wasn’t quite fitting in with our sporting ethos. The Ref was letting the game flow- as much as both teams could manage- but would not stand for significant violence or the wearing of Smart watches. Par and Mike were causing difficulties for the oppo but the linesman’s flag frustrated the latter in particular. Tony was largely untroubled and with great nonchalance and his characteristic stuttering run he won the ball coming out of his area and advanced impressively close to the halfway line before passing to Baby and retreating to safety. The Belvedere keeper made some decent saves and it looked like Chris would double our lead just before halftime but couldn’t get a decent contact to steer the ball home from close range.
The second half brought Tonksy and Matt back into the fray for Chris and yellow card Paul. Gradually our play became more controlled and effective. Cookie and Baby hit some decent long balls and we built up effectively particularly on the right with Josh getting forward well. Our second came from there with Par playing an excellent ball into the box for Mike to collect, round the keeper, and slot home. Other highlights involved players hitting the turf. Smudge, who had replaced Doyley for the last quarter, was the first to tumble, the slip turning into a graceful teddy bear roll. Nobody laughed. Matt also measured his length (at last his hungover state was apparent) and his break dance struggle to get to his feet was viewed with amusement. Finally in the last minute of normal time – with Tim now on for Mike, perhaps to keep an eye on Angry Paul, the Belvedere centre forward gave a fine Tom Daly impersonation which also caused some mirth. The Ref, however, was the only one who saw foul play and gave the direct free kick. We started with players on both posts as well as a defensive wall that may have been reasonably close to an effective position, however, Baby wanted everybody up to the penalty spot. Tony had the free kick covered until it deflected off Chris’s head and arrowed in at the far post. (Tony had deserved a clean sheet: good positioning and decent distribution and a couple of strong saves- as well as that memorable chug out of goal). The last action of the game: a 2-1 win giving us a better than 50% win rate for the season- 9 wins from 17 games.
What they said: ‘That was a side effect of alcohol poisoning. I blame the older players for leading me astray.’ Matt on his break dancing.
‘I kicked him in the head’. Mike – on his contact with their Keeper.
‘It doesn’t help- not playing in my normal position’. Angry Paul, explaining his aggressive challenges.
‘One of his best touches. He took it well.’ Tony admires Chris’ glancing header for the Belvedere goal.
‘I played Wednesday, Friday and today.’ Tonksy belying his age- whilst returning to his motor to discover that he’d left the boot fully open.
‘Sorry kids!!!’ Baby after dropping the C bomb again- after kicking the ball into the trees – again.
Lads of the Village. 23.02.25. Away at Home. Tennis Court Pitch.
0 - 4
Team: Tony, Matt, Baby, Paul G, Dilsy, Jon, Chris, The Squire, Graham, Doyley, Mike, Simon, Paul T. (Roy: Lino)
In a Sentence: We’ve played worse and won!
In a Word: Meurrgh!
The Game: It was a good performance. A clear game plan playing to their strengths; chances created well and taken clinically; solid, determined strength in depth in defence when it mattered. Yes, Lads of the Village were excellent. Tamps on the other hand were below par despite dominating possession for long periods.
Early on Baby couldn’t convert our best chance when he’d done well to support Mike’s break behind the defence, the ball holding up so he couldn’t get enough pace on the finish. Tony had already made a good save diving to his right and we should have realised the Lads posed a strong threat. Perhaps we were a little overconfident and so a tad casual.
The opening goal came when we lost possession inside the oppo area. A long ball found their pacy and skilful forward who was forced wide by Paul G but reaching the byline pulled the ball back for his untracked teammate to fire home from close range. Further slack marking led to another goal, a ball from our right to the far post allowed the scorer to get his second. We had decent balls into the box from Mike and Jon on the right and Graham and Dilsy on the left but we couldn’t get a strike on target. Doyley set up Chris but his shot was too close to the keeper. 2-0 at half time.
The Squire and Dilsy were back on with Doyley and Matt resting. Simon moved over to right back but didn’t last long. ‘A full on sprint of two yards’ ( his words) caused him to pull up with a hamstring strain. Matt who’d enjoyed a full on Fosters fuelled Friday birthday frolic was back in the fray.
The tide seemed to be turning. We dominated possession keeping the ball well, using both sides of the pitch and forcing the Lads to defend deep. In addition to crosses from open play we had a succession of corners, interspersed with some free kicks- Graham taken out more than once.The Squire had one of his more accurate efforts when a clearance ricocheted off his instep and required a routine save. Mike had a header that beat the keeper but was cleared off the line. Several efforts were blocked on the line with the keeper beaten- Paul T’s first time strike being the best of these. Matt hit the post from close range when some wanted the ball to go for another corner. The Lads could still break out and when Matt’s desperate challenge ( he was to later make a goal saving tackle with Tony beaten) felled the striker a penalty was given. Tony, however, was not going to allow the taker his hat trick diving full length to his right to palm the ball away at the post and then grab the loose ball- a brilliant save. He also made a couple of good one on one saves and he didn’t deserve to be beaten twice in the last 10 minutes when long balls found unmarked men running on behind our attack minded defence.
0-4. We could have played for another 90 and not scored.
What they said: ‘ Cheers Matt!’ The birthday boy got the drinks in. Thank you!
‘We just needed one to go in off someone’s backside.’ The Squire.
‘ He was diving before I caught him- but I did catch him.’ Matt.
‘I can’t do the accent’. The Squire states the obvious having spoken about and then tried to imitate the Jamaican train announcements at Lewisham Station.
‘Man down more like, can’t handle it!!’😂😂😂 Chef- absent through work isn’t sure about Smudger’s post Stag claims he’s stuck on the M25 and so can’t make the bar.
‘In if needed. Otherwise will rest knee’. Roy ahead of the game.
‘Aiming for around 2 hours’. Graham and Annabelle take on the Dartford half marathon next Sunday. Good luck both!
Oppo: Ashburnham Arms (Away) – 09/02/25
Score: 4-3 (Doyley, Podge Sr, Dillsy, Steve A)
Team: Tony, Steve A, Baby, Matt, Dillsy, Tommy C, Smudge, Podge Sr, Ryan, Doyley, GG
Subs: Roy
In a sentence: good game, good game…
The Ash on the Astro. After some on again, off again throughout the week and a very late confirmation that the Samuel Montagu pitch was available, the Tamps version of 12 Angry Men kicked off up the slope, and a half of fast-paced and sometimes frantic football was underway.
Both teams were looking to play, and the Ash probably started the better of the two; their midfield seemingly having an extra man and being considerably younger - Smudger giving at least one the best part of 30 years. The Ash were running hard, and combined this with constant chat at Roy (who was refereeing). Time and again they asked for fouls. Roy on the whole remained stoic. The back four were being pulled and stretched. Luckily, nothing came of this early pressure and Tamps started to get a foothold in the game, Baby and Dillsy getting their respective feet on the ball and the Tamps started to play their way calmly out from the back.
And so the first (of at least three) good goals by the Tamps, GG and Ryan combining well on the right, Ryan drawing the defenders before slipping the ball to Graham, who twisted and turned to make space for an excellent cross, and there was Doyley lurking at the back post – steering a header into the corner. Tamps had ridden-out a bit of a storm. Now they had taken control.
This state of control was inevitably lost almost immediately; the forwards/midfield failing to pressure the Ash centre-back as he strode forward, his clever pass into the inside-right channel found the runner from wide, his touch taking Tony out the game to leave a simple tap-in. In the words of Malcolm Mclaren, ‘start again, start again…’. And a possible contender for goal of the season.
Starting with Matt on the right*, the ball was moved quickly to the left, and some neat, one-touch passing between Steve, Tom and Dillsy - the ball pinged into Graham with his back to goal. His first-time touch to the edge of the box sat perfectly for Podge Sr, who didn’t need a touch to fire a dipping, swerving shot into the top-corner. His celebratory roar was both loud and unnecessary.
The Ash were still competing, and for the second time the lead was negated swiftly. Tamps had already had a narrow escape when what appeared to be a simple save hit Tony’s knee and fell for the Ash left-winger – his shot on this occasion flew over. An Ash free-kick from the edge of the box clipped the top of the bar but never looked in. Ashburnham drew level eventually when another shot was spilled off Tony’s knee and tapped home.
After a goal-of-the-season contender, a miss-of-the-season contender. Ryan’s chipped through ball was taken on the chest/throat of Podge Sr, who turned inside the centre-back and forced a parry from the keeper. This fell invitingly for Graham – but his shot fell harmlessly wide with the goal at his mercy. And then, the Ash were up 3-2, with a goal not dissimilar to the first. This time Tony tried to make an interception to the through-pass, but found himself in no-man’s land outside the box. Matt tried to cover but was left stranded, with at least 3 Ashburnham players available to fire home.
3-2 down at half-time, some good and some bad. Roy came on for Smudge; Big Baz took the whistle. Tom C moved into centre-midfield. And the Tamps took control.
Whether it was due to the changes, or simply kicking down the slope, Tamps dominated the second-half. They moved the ball quickly and with purpose, players swapping positions, making overlaps and a number of chances. Tom was finding space and using the ball intelligently; Ryan and Dillsy were running at the Ash backline and causing no end of problems. From one of these Dillsy surges came the equaliser, his powerful shot ricocheting off an attempted block and looping over the keeper.
This time, the Ash didn’t seem to be able to find a riposte, and the Tamps had 20-25 minutes of domination, with a number of chances being wasted. The most profligate was Doyley, who seemingly couldn’t be bothered to kick the ball when presented with opportunity after opportunity. GG also wasted a one-on-one, Baby’s through ball leaving him bearing down on the Ash goal. At this point Graham turned into Marie Lloyd (there’s one for the kids), and he dillied and dallied, dallied and dillied, was forced wide and the chance was gone. Tom had a header from a corner which flashed across the goal, Doyley again lurking but failing to get a touch.
Would Tamp’s profligacy haunt them? Almost, when Ashburnham got round the back, but Tony did well to force the forward wide and his cross-shot went harmlessly wide of the back-stick. Time was running down, and after Smudge had replaced Roy this time, the latters knees were playing up, and with a little more than 5 minutes to go Tamps took the lead for the last time. Another mazy run from Ryan, the ball moving wide right, Graham and Matt also involved. Back into Ryan again – a backheel, another backheel from Dillsy and Ryan’s rolled cross to the penalty spot and there was little Stevie Arnold to smash the ball into the roof of the net.
From here, the Tamps were able to run the game down, playing keep-ball until Baz ended the game a few minutes later.
So back to the Roan for showers and beer – the Ash somewhat thin on the ground, which meant that Baz had to donate the majority of their food to some homeless vagabonds (the team minus Doyley)…
*No-one can actually recall this, least of all Matt – he just wanted to be involved…
MoM: Ryan – a constant thorn in Ashburnham’s side with his dribbling. He was quite good at football too Things they said: ‘that’ll do…’ Podge Sr calls his shot
‘I’m not giving foul throws…’ Baz demonstrates his laissez-faire attitude to the laws of the game
‘Doyley, if you’re not gonna shoot I will…’ Ryan’s frustration rises
In the bar: ‘No Guinness…’ ironically on the day that everyone in the team (except maybe Tony) wanted one…
‘Five wins on the spin, three draws before that; unbeaten for eight games. And we’re still playing the same old shit…’ Smudge doesn’t mind upsetting people
‘Where’s my money..?’ Roy guilts Barry into paying him for holding a whistle (he never actually blew it) ‘It was the spin…’ Graham excuses his apparently simple miss
Oppo: Crofton - Away 02/02/2025
Score: 6-2
Scorers: Mike(4), Dino, Ryan
Team: Tony – Matt Podge Dilsy GG – Ryan Jon Paul T Tom – Mike SD
SUBS: Dino Tonksy Steve A Roymond Smudger
IAW: Comprehensive
IAS: Bout time we gave them a beating!
A lovely morning for footie, blinding sun and a fresh temperature. We had an abundance of riches available allowing Roymond and Smudge to just watch this week.
From the start the Tamps were on the front foot, the ball being played out from the back nicely, Ryan had an early chance after a mazy dribble, Keiran (25ish) in goal making a good stop. Totally against the run of play Crofton took the lead, a ball over the top didn’t seem to hold much danger until Al hit an early powerful shot beating Tony at the near post. We drew level almost immediately when Ryan with a deflected header off a Crofton defender made it 1-1, changes were made and Steve A with his first touch set up Mike for his first and a Ryan corner saw Mike head his second, the back 4 of Matt, Podge sr, Dilsy and GG were not under any real pressure and apart from a few aimless long balls had a decent 1st half as did the team. H/T and 3-1 ahead.
Mike made way for Doyley who, would now link up with Dino, Podge left at halftime and Tom came back on, Tonksy was not well so made way for John, the back 4 was reshuffled and off we went. Apart from the first 5mins in 2nd half it was comftable, a good move saw Dino make it 4-1 and that was basically the game done. Still time for Mike to return to the fray and add another 2, one from a Dilsy wayward shot, the other from a Dino shot that may have gone in without Mike’s touch, 6-1 and the game done and dusted. There was just enough time to get Tim on for and 8-10 minute cameo and for Crofton to score a 2nd, all in all a good mornings work.
Only 5 of us made it back to the club where Mike purchased us all a pint for his hat-trick. We talked about the Gaffers holiday, Tonksy’s bad chest and Gary the Crofton manager having 2 punch ups (1 with Glen) another with a vistor to the ‘Friendly’ Roan club bar on consecutive weeks! Let’s face it both Gary and Glen could start a punch up in an empty house.
Oppo: Inter Viagra Home. 26/01/25
Score: 3-2
Scorers: Doyley(2), Mike
Team: Tony – Matt Baby Dilsy Smudger – Tom John GG Roymond – Doyley Mike Sub: Simon
On an awful day, on a mud heap of a pitch, our free flowing football was going to be a tough ask. But it didn’t stop us trying. We went behind when a mix up allowed their striker 2 attempts to find the back of the net, after that setback we played some really decent football and, reward came when a move down the right led to Mike equalising with a fine finish. Smudge (In his first game since Sept 2nd) made way for late arrival Simon after 25mins, both sides had goal disallowed before another good move saw Doyley slide in at the far post to send us into h/t 2-1 up. Dilsey was having a storming game but needed to leave to watch his boy play, this left us with just 11 players to get through the 2nd half.
We started slowly in the 2nd half, mainly due to reshuffling the formation and personnel, we were now 4-5-1 due to the need to not expose our elderly right side (Smudger and Roymond) combined age 131!. The half was very nip and tuck (a phrase for the older players) we had the better chances and both Mike and Doyley could have added before that telepathy that only exists between the pair of the conjured a really good 3rd, Doyley steering it into the corner after being played in by Mike. A super strike from one of IV’s new players from a half cleared corner gave Tony no chance, and set up a tense final 15mins. GG, Jon and Tom worked tirelessly in midfield as did Mike alone upfront, Doyley got forward to great affect, Roy and Smudge used their Savvy to keep IV’s left side quiet and Simon, Baby and Matt (with a swollen nose after a kick in the face) were Stoic, Tony was very vocal in organising his back 4. The ref called time on the game and we’d held out for a well earned 3-2 victory.
A good time was had in the bar, John turning 54 (he used to be the youth policy!) got the beers in and both teams mingled together and had some good banter.
Inter Viagra
Home – Tennis Court Pitch 19/01/25
3-2 – Scorers GG, Mike, OG
Team; The Chef, Dilsy, Baby, Cookie, Matty, GG, Podge, Jon, Dino, Mike, Doyley, Tom C, Paul T
In a word; Cliched
In a sentence; A game of two halves…
The Game; Baby had been left in charge – and he had to call on all of his rota editing experience to mould a bunch of has-beens and ne’er-do-wells into something resembling a team. At one point he had The Chef (when he plays in goal he gets the definite article) doing the 10:40 from Victoria…
Luckily the back four picked itself, and after some hokey-cokey’ing with the midfield/forwards (right one in; left one out), the line-up was set; Tom and Paul T would start as subs.
But hold on – whose game was it? And did we have a ref? The two teams got together, and after some confused and unsure negotiation it was agreed it was Tamps home game. Paul T would start as referee (at least Graham had a whistle).
Time at last for kick-off. Where were the match balls, kindly delivered by Chris just the day before? Not in Baby’s car anyway – we would be using the oppositions balls (fnaar). The game eventually kicked off about 20 minutes late. It was decided that each half would be 40 minutes only (there was beer to be drunk).
The first half came and went. Tamps played some of the prettiest football of the season, to little effect. Efforts on goal were restricted to snap shots from distance (Doyley, Cookie, Tom) and a driven cross by GG that no-one got to. Viagra’s Simon had to leave the pitch with a dead leg after Graham was pushed into him. Tamps’ early neat passing petered out, and so did the half.
Changes were made at half-time – Podge took the whistle and Paul T joined Mike up front. Simon from Inter Viagra was also back, despite only twenty minutes previously looking like he needed crutches. The football though not as aesthetically pleasing, was as least successful in terms of goals. Tamps took the lead when Paul T’s cross, [obviously] spinning subtly, went straight to the keeper, who promptly dropped it at a surprised Graham’s feet. Graham poked the ball through the keepers legs and tapped home, despite the goalie trying to get a piggy-back ride.
Inter Viagra soon equalised, the ball being lost in midfield and the back four disappearing, leaving The Chef stranded with seemingly half the opposition bearing down on him. Tamps made it 2-1 when another Paul T cross to the back post was turned in cleverly by Mike – the keeper being just a spectator.
It was soon 2-2 – and a repeat of the first Inter Viagra goal; ball lost in midfield, the defence failing to follow runners, and The Chef left as exposed as Rachel Reeves by the Bond Market. Tamps got the winner their general play probably deserved; a Tom corner from the right, Cookie went up for the header but couldn’t quite get there. The ball was turned back in from the left and the Inter Centre-Back crashed home.
The Chef had to make one more save from a rising shot; the game finished with no further incident. All in all, a pretty forgettable game. See what happens when the young ‘uns get left to their own devices?!
What they said: ‘The pea keeps getting stuck’ Podge defends his lacklustre blast for full-time
‘The rugby whistle sounds different’ Graham (or was it Simon?) gives us a little nugget
‘Tiger Balm’ Inter Viagra’s Simon reveals the secret to his Lazarus-like recovery
The Game: It had it all! Two penalties, 10 goals ( and some of them decent), a stirring Ash comeback, fantastic saves from the Blue Rinse, a sweary linesman ( Are you calling me a liar?! Roy.),outrageous- and highly unexpected – skill from Simon, a sad WhatsApp sick note from Chef, a passive aggressive self pitying one from Dino, unseasonal morbidity in the bar from Graham but also birthday and hat trick drinks from Roy and Mike. 🍺🍺👏👏Cheers and thanks chaps.
Tamps opened the scoring in the first minute- not a thing of beauty. The centre back misjudged Jon’s ball into the box and it fell to Doyley. The goal at his mercy his ‘dummied shot’ bamboozled all. Finding that he could still kick the ball , on the pivot he scuffed it home- with just enough power to cross the line and confound the covering defender. They all count. Another decent ball into the box from Paul T and another defensive error enabled Mike to fire home our second.
One way traffic? Hardly. There was plenty of goalmouth action at our end and only some brave blocks and decent saves from Tony kept the Ash out for the first quarter. The best save was diving and holding onto the ball at the feet of the attacking player who looked certain to score. End to end football produced 4 more first half goals. After we’d blocked the ball an untracked midfielder (Tonksy put his hand up) steered it home.
The Ash’s second came from the spot. The oppo claimed Dilsy handled when closing down the attack. Tim was unsighted but suspicious and was helped by Graham pointing to the spot, an honest and sporting action that earned him opposition praise. The strong pen was fired high to the Blue Rinse’s left. Amid the penalty box mayhem we were playing some decent stuff- for once using both sides of the pitch with Ryan and Graham threatening form the flanks and Jon, in addition to sterling defensive efforts getting forward regularly. Paul T and Dilsy, aided by Chris and Simon ensured that we kept the ball well until we could move it forward effectively. Unusual!
The quality showed in Mike’s second. Paul T to Chris, ball into Mike, a neat exchange with Doyley and a clinical finish. There was momentary outrage when the oppo thought Tim had given a penalty after a strong but fair challenge caused Mike to buckle and howl uncharacteristically. However, the whistle was blown to ensure there wasn’t serious injury. When the penalty came however, there was no doubt. Mike chopped down by the centre half who was immediately apologising to his teammates. Paul T’s spot kick sent the keeper to his right the ball going left: a good penalty. 4-2 at half time.
It seemed the next goal would be crucial and this was class. The ball was played out of defence to Scholesy coming in from the left. He not only saw Ryan’s run up the right but hit the perfect cross field pass into his path. Ryan’s raking assist through the defence arrowed to the far post where Mike, first touch, fired the ball home. 5-2 gave a decent lead but didn’t wholly reflect the balance of play. The Ash had wasted more than a few opportunities and Tony produced several more good saves including one that was outstanding. The Ash player thought he’d powered home from 10 yards out but Tony hurling himself across goal blocked and gathered the ball.
The Ash were back in the game when they pulled one back with a beautiful top bins free kick. Captain Barry had just come back on when Simon caught him on the edge of the area. The wall was set well, Tony in the right place but the ball was stroked into the far top corner.
We were now becoming disconnected as a team as the Ash built sustained pressure. The midfield shape wasn’t there and the defence was perhaps too deep. We couldn’t hold onto possession and we weren’t bringing our forwards into the game. We were tired and Ash players seemed fresher and faster. The pressure told and the Ash were level with two goals in the last ten minutes.
Would there be a winner? The best chance came our way. After the equaliser we rallied. The ball came in from the left with Roy well placed at the far post. It seemed certain he’d head home but a touch by the keeper and more significantly one from the defender just altered the flight of the ball.
A draw was probably a fairer result and the Ash were rightly happy with their comeback. Well done both sides – a decent and good humoured contest to end the year.
What they said: ‘Are you auditioning for Frozen?’ Tony’s blue Barnet is the subject of fascination and conjecture. ‘We could start a book: the next Tamp to go….’ Morbid thoughts from Graham. ‘Done meself a mischief in the gym’. Podge’s earlier in the week WhatsApp. We missed him!
Inter Viagra. Home. Tennis Court Pitch. 17.11.24.
Team: Tony, Matt, Baby, Sir Steer, Dilsy, Mobile Dave, Chef, Chris, Simon, Doyley, Mike, Paul T, Scholesy, Roy. (Tim: Ref)
D 4 - 4 (Paul T 2, Chef, Mike)
In a Sentence: A Jekyll and Hyde performance.
In a Word: Bouncebackability
The Game: It wasn’t our best first 45 minutes! We’d started with confidence-perhaps even overconfidence- and with the O’Donnell brothers up top. Surely Sir Steer would carry on as he had against Charlton Rangers? No- sadly, he almost needed to be carried off with a hamstring injury. Simon put Inter 1-0 up early on but we were soon level with a decent move down the left and Mike setting up Chef to fire home from the edge of the box with Big Dave in goal perhaps unsighted by his diving centre half. Inter though we’re playing well, controlling the midfield and benefiting from the odd bounce. Simon got his second and then their big centre forward, Erdogan, put them 3-1 up with a decent shot from distance that arrowed in the right side of the post. Not only were we not developing our play but there was a lot of distracting bad temper when collective endeavour was required.
Halftime provided the opportunity for forthright discussion and a reset. Scholesy was now on in right midfield and his decent effort from distance narrowly flew over. Paul T too had a decent strike but we still couldn’t cut the deficit. Doyley made way for Roy- a forward that Mike understands giving way to a mercurial talent who may not even know what he’s doing himself. But…the change worked. ( Although we probably benefited from Inter’s halftime subs too with Simon and their midfield generalissimo both given a rest.)
We were pushing forward more and picking up our men. Baby was our leader whilst Simon took a more defensive role and Dilsy and Paul T were initiating and joining our attacks. Roy played the perfect final ball to set Paul T free in the box and from a narrow angle he made it 2-3. Then it was 3-3. Dilsy was pushed over in the box- an ill judged challenge from behind as he shielded the ball and Paul T scored the penalty. Inter were still threatening and Tony had to make a couple of smart saves. A great move down the right saw Scholesy feed the overlapping Matt who narrowly failed to beat the keeper his attempted lob ‘slightly’ off target. We survived as Inter broke away when Simon failed to hear the call ‘Chef’s up!’ and he obstructed the expected clearing header.
Then Inter we’re ahead again. There were strong calls for offside but Dave wasn’t sure ( and probably wasn’t up with play whilst talking to Kevin): 3-4. Time was running out but we snatched the draw with another decent move and a fine finish ( if unnecessarily exuberant celebration). The ball was worked up to Roy who again played the perfect assist running the ball into Mike’s path. He hit perfectly bending the ball with power wide of Big Dave’s left hand and inside the post. 4-4 and with minutes to go there was only time for the Inter players to express their frustration particularly when Dave raised the flag for a rather tight offside.
What they said: ‘ Why don’t you just wear a blue shirt?’ Erdogan, the Oscar Wilde of the football pitch, to Tim after he’d given the penalty.
‘ I thought we’d lost 4-3’. Only in the changing room does Matt realise that we’d snatched a draw.
‘ Where’s Smudger?’ Several players clearly missing the Maestro.
‘Tim went into Headmaster mode’. Tony on the halftime chat.
10.11.24. Charlton Rangers. Home . Tennis Court Pitch.
Team: Tony, Matt, Sir Steer, Baby, Dilsy, Ryan, Chris, Jon, Doyley, Chef, Graham, Simon, Paul T, Tonksy. (Tim-Ref) 3-3. Chef, Dilsy, Paul T (pen.) In a Sentence: A game of 3 goalkeepers …( and two halves.) In a Word: Fractious.
The Game: It wasn’t the most auspicious start as we were one down in the first five minutes. After winning the ball in the middle of the park the it was worked up to their younger forward ( number 17: two goals and his own ball ) who was presented with the opportunity to fire home as Baby slipped over when closing him down. ( Matt’s later fall didn’t have the same impact.) However,uncharacteristically we got to grips with things and enjoyed much the better of the half fighting back to go in 2-1 up at the break and with Tony, who had no chance with the goal, having little to do other than speeding off his line to intercept a ball over the top.
With Charlton playing 5 in the midfield we needed to break up their play and after initially failing to do this we marked up more effectively with Ryan coming inside from the right and Jon covering a lot of ground. Charlton’s back 3 gave us opportunities and their keeper had to be sharp to block Jon’s run on goal after some more decent build up play. Graham was causing their defenders problems and his movement was creating space which we exploited. First Dilsy launched a fine ball in for Chef to run onto and cut in from the left and finish emphatically. It was then Baby’s turn to hit the perfect long ball for Dilsy to surge away and to also beat the keeper with a precise shot. Our best other effort had come from Paul T shooting from distance with the keeper off his line. Andy pushed the ball on to the bar it bouncing down with some believing it crossed the line.
Charlton, fielding a number of younger players, we’re not dominating as they expected to – a pattern that was maintained for the half when Simon, Tonksy, and Paul T came on for Doyley, Chris and Chef who’d all played their part in our ascendancy. Charlton’s more spiky side which was to be more apparent in the second half showed in some handbags between Paul T and their right back and in their keeper’s angry reaction to Graham’s humorous interaction, pulling him out of his area. It was perhaps fortunate that Tall Danny their other forward needed time out feeling unwell and so was somewhat less vocal than normal. Finchy was doing a great job marking him out of the game.
At half time Tony was unable to continue due to a shoulder injury and Chef took over. Charlton were much more effective in the second half and forced a series of corners. Clearing headers from Chris, Matt, Baby and Finchy and some big hands from Chef kept them out until the younger forward lost his marker and headed home the equaliser. Soon afterwards they went ahead the free kick over the dwarf wall beating Chef at his near post. Charlton could have put the game out of reach but for an outstanding block by Dilsy as the young forward looked to fire into the unguarded goal, Ryan then clearing up under pressure. By this point the temperature had risen and there were a number of angry exchanges between players and a lot of ill tempered moaning from Charlton players to the Ref. Tim had to pause proceedings to calm down Andy in goal after he’d threatened ‘ to rip ( Jon’s ) f**king head off’. Ryan was also making his feelings known in dialogue with a couple of the Charlton youngsters.
Tamps shouts for penalties when Dilsy, and then Jon, were challenged robustly were ignored but a spot kick was given when Dilsy was smashed to the ground in a challenge that showed anger rather than control. Paul T scored well, placing the ball high to the right with Andy going the wrong way. 3-3 the final score with chatter continuing after the game …ask Ryan!
A very good performance by all. Jon and Ryan excellent in the midfield, Graham leading the line well, Chef decent in goal and scoring well too, Baby leading strongly and Dilsy superb. But top performance was from Steer Karma- unlike the PM dominant and decisive. What they said: ‘Will someone stop Keir Starmer winning all the f**king headers?!’ ‘That was a shit wall’. Chef. ‘Ref..you can’t call me a f**king little arsehole’. ‘ Stop being one then’.. ‘When I was in my twenties I was playing at a decent level- not against players 20 or 30 years older’. Ryan makes his point. ‘I bet he’s not even qualified’. The 29 year old left back doesn’t think Tim’s up to the job!
Belvedere (Away) – 20/10/24
Score: 4-3 (Ryan, Mike, GG, Finchy)
Team: Baby, Matt, Finchy, Lee (Brother of Ryan), Simon, Tommy C, John, Podge Sr, Ryan, Doyley, GG Subs: Mike, Steve A
In a sentence: should have been 9-3…
A distinctly Autumnal feel, as the arsehole of Kent was being hit by the arse-end of Storm Ashley, and a [relatively] young and vibrant looking Tamps squad took the field against an always young and vibrant Belvedere.
The Referee (magnificently resplendent in full kit) made it clear that he would stand for no nonsense, having entered the changing room for a pre-match chat (Ryan said the wrong thing), asked what number the Captain would be wearing, and when told that it was the keeper (Baby, starting to look a lot like Stanno) asked if there would be someone else available “who was closer…”. Podge Sr went for the toss-up, and was treated to a lecture about how he liked to referee the game, and how sometimes players could be somewhat passionate. This was listened to through gritted teeth and the toss was subsequently lost (karma?); Tamps would kick downhill.
The Ref’s authority was somewhat undermined as he donned a coat and woolly hat to combat the [incredibly] light rain that started just after kick-off; this rain also seemed to affect the Tamps who started slowly – Belvedere running through the middle of the defence on two occasions. Both times a rushed finish meant Baby was not asked to make a save.
The Tamps at last started to show some life, and both Ryan and GG were finding space and causing problems. Steve came on for Podge Sr in midfield and Tamps took the lead; Graham again finding room on the left for a cross which eventually came to Ryan, steaming in like the Queen Mary to fire in low. Doyley soon had a chance to make it two, Graham again breaking free on the left and rolling the ball across the six yard box for the tap in. Doyley, however, obviously felt this was beneath him and cleared his own shot on the line. Miss of the season? Certainly a big contender. He was promptly replaced by Mike.
Tamps were well on top now and any threat was restricted to ambitious long shots – Baby dealing with these easily and setting up further attacks with quick throws and kicks. Mike soon went close with a header off the bar, and then made it 2-0 with a clever diagonal run onto GG’s short through ball. This drew the keeper well outside his box, and Mike scored from a tight angle. We went into half-time buoyant. Second half, and unlike other occasions Tamps continued their good play; 3-0 after Mike put GG through and he rounded the keeper. Tamps were flying – it felt like we would score with every attack. The problem was we didn’t!
After winning a throw deep on our right, Belvedere realised we were switched off – Tamps failed to clear the ball and the shot went through some legs and Baby. This somewhat took the wind out of our sails, and what followed was possibly the worst 30 minutes of football this season. Belvedere made it 3-2 after Tamps lost the ball in midfield; Baby made a good save from the initial shot but this fell to their rotund striker (which one?) who tapped in.
Despite the bad play we continued to make and miss chances – the most egregious being Mike clearing the bar from 2 yards out and nary an opposition player in sight. Miss of the season contender #2. Then the most controversial incident of possibly any Tamps season; after Ryan won a free-kick on the edge of the box, GG decided to test the Referee’s sense of humour after his instruction “nothing gets kicked until I blow the whistle”. The subsequent tap he gave the Ref on the shin was met with a firm rebuke – “know your audience” and laughter from the Belvedere wall. With about 10 minutes to go the game was level. An uncontested drop ball on the edge of our box; after Matt’s huge swipe had only damaged himself. The pass evaded both Finchy and Lee and the forward fired into the corner.
By this time Tamps had almost accepted a draw – almost but not quite. Another corner on the right - “hard and low” was the instruction. Graham’s corner was certainly low, but barely made the near post. Somehow the defender missed/sliced the ball off the post which fell invitingly for Finchy to volley home with his shin.
Belvedere barely had time to kick-off and Tamps had scraped home, after looking almost invincible for 50 minutes.
MoM: Simon – didn’t expect to play a full game (his own words) but was strong throughout. No mention of him running the team in the bar though…
Things they said: “Oh you c@nt…” Doyley’s miss, Mike’s miss, Graham’s final corner – various “It’s just a joke” Graham receives a dressing down from the Referee
In the bar: “20 quid for 4 pints…” Matt is still seething at the price of sparkling wine - “drink something else then mate”
“I’ve not seen you play, but you’re definitely better at golf” the team wonder why Finchy took up football “I think your spuds are great…” Graham compliments the barmaid for her food (we hope) “I hope I’m playing that well when I’m 58…” and receives a compliment form their fresh-faced fullback
Santos. Away: The Pavillions, Footscray Road. 13.10.24.
In a Sentence: A first, for many years, with Smudge nursing his injury as non playing sub, no 60+ players on the pitch. In a Word: Frustrating!! (Ask Ryan!) The Game: A disappointing loss given that for most of the game and especially the first half we were playing well and in control. However, given that Santos probably had only 5 SuperVets in their squad and players in their 20s and early 30s ( the usual excuse: ‘We couldn’t get a team out otherwise.’) we generally did pretty well. Santos chose to play uphill in the first half and this local knowledge was to prove crucial. Playing 3 at the back and 4 up front they initially caused us difficulty but we adjusted well and whilst Tony had to make two sharp saves- one with his feet and then tipping a close range effort round the post- we largely controlled possession and Matt, Baby, Dave and Dilsy were defending strongly. This should have led us to using both sides of the pitch but Graham was seeing little of the ball. We also weren’t really testing their keeper though and several players fell foul of their linesman’s eager flag for offside. Ryan and Tommy were our most influential players and good attacking play forced several corners. From one of these we took the lead. Dave ( Cudham) drilled a corner to the near post where Dilsy met it at pace and powered home the header. Half time 1-0. Santos were clearly happier playing downhill but we weathered their earlier attacks and following inaccurate passing in their defence Tommy was able to strike from distance, with the keeper out of position putting us two up. Mo had come on at half time with Doyley replacing Graham who had to get to work. Perhaps this unsettled us as we were finding it difficult to keep possession and we had to defend deep to deal with the oppo’s long ball approach. One such pass caught us out and Robbo could stud the ball past the advancing Tony who, perhaps, could have come out more quickly. It should be noted though that Tony made the save of the game rapidly closing the forward down and blocking his shot with his chest. 2-1 almost immediately became 2-2 and Tony had no chance with the precise strike from outside the box after Dave’s ball to Tommy was difficult to control and Santos gained possession. It took slightly longer for Santos to take the lead when Tony and Dave did well to thwart initial efforts but couldn’t get the ball out of play with Robbo steering the ball in from a narrow angle. From 2-0 up to 3-2 down in 10 minutes. Could we fight back? Santos now perhaps became over confident and after some casual play at the back Dino’s work closing down the defenders and keeper was rewarded when the he intercepted a poor pass and picked his spot to bring us level. Simon entered the fray for Dilsy and Mike came in for Dino. Mo had been the selected sub but Dino wanted his friend to stay on. Not how things should be done. The winning goal was not a thing of beauty. A decent corner wasn’t dealt with and the Santos header, though mistimed, bounced up and away from both Tony and defenders: 4-3. Matt later stated: ‘He was my man -I didn’t go with him’. We had the chance to build attacks but now were not using our right side when easy passes could have allowed Ryan to attack in space. Frustrations grew but in the last 10 we had two chances to get the draw. Tommy won the ball as Santos again failed to play out effectively, however, with Ryan and Mike both well placed and the keeper again out of position he shot from distance but failed to find the empty net. Mike had a great chance with just the keeper to beat- but he took a touch to get the ball on his right foot and the keeper blocked. After the game Mike received his trophies from the 2022-23 Season: Mr Goals and Mr Miss. He may well win the latter again this season!
In the bar: 9 were there for the post match – including toasting Tim’s health on his 68th birthday. Ryan was finally able to relieve himself of his fully justified frustration with Dave not making the simple and easy pass to him. With Doyley absent there was no further chat about gun licences but Baby and Tony could commune about their meat cooking: beef cheeks for Baby whilst Tony felt he MasterCheffed with slow cooked beef ribs in a mustard and wine sauce. Smudger lamented the scarcity of decent fish mongers and his Grandchildren’s negative reaction to the smell of his cooking fish pie. Tony felt he wasn’t at fault for the first goal and that he made ‘..at least 2-3 decent saves in the first half and 2-3 more in the second’. Matt and Simon who, apparently had talked with clarity and certainty about running the team after a few drinks earlier in the Season, now seemed to distance themselves from this option. With Tim and Smudge and others due to play Kent Over 60s on the following Sunday Baby agreed to run things against Belvedere. 👏👏👏👏.
Pre-Match: ‘We short of players tomorrow I got Mo from France here fancy playing?’ 00.34 Sunday. ‘We’ve got too many to add in more - thanks’. Tim’s reply was duly ignored.
Oppo: Erith
Score: 3-0
Team: Tony Chef Baby Finchy Matt – Ryan Tonksy Chris Tom C – Mike Doyley Subs: Dino Smudge
Scorers: Mike, Doyley, Ryan
In a word: Solid
In a sentence: A well deserved win.
Another lovely morning for football, after last week’s excellent win we needed to make sure it wasn’t a one off. The game got under way with Roymond doing the ref duties, as is usual with us we gave Erith the first chance of the game, a one v one but this time Tony came out and make a good block. After that it was pretty much all Tamps, Chef was getting forward from right back and, Matt was threading some great balls down the line from left back, Finchy and Baby were more than a match for the young quick Erith forwards, Tonksy and Chris were getting the better of their central midfield oppo who again were a good few years younger and, Ryan and Tom were starting to cause the Erith full backs some concern. We took the lead when a well worked move saw Doyley ping a lovely cross into the box, a slip by the Erith defender allowed Mike to control and slot the ball into the net, an even better move down the right saw Mike return the favour and his cross was hit first time by Doyley into the far corner 2-0 and no less than we deserved. Erith thought the should have had a penalty but Smudge had flagged for offside way before the incident and despite protestations stuck to his guns, 2-0 at h/t.
Doyley made way for Dino in the only change. It was now all about the next goal and, it was the Tamps who got it, another flowing move ended with the keeper making a good save bit Ryan was there to poke it home, 3-0 and after that the Tamps coasted to victory, Tamps hit the bar and the keeper made a superb save, Erith also hit the bar a thunderous shot that had Tony beaten all ends up! Mike made way for Doyleys return, another 60 mins under his belt and 2 in 2 since his return. The last play of the game saw their speedy forward get to the byeline and pull it back only for Richard to spoon it over the bar with the goal gaping.
With that Roymond blew the whistle for full time, Erith were gracious in defeat saying we were the better team and wished they could knock the ball around like we do. Another excellent turn out in the bar with only Doyley (daughter swimming) and Dino (no idea) not making it.
What they said: Baby: They do a check on your licence making sure you have no speeding points. Doyley: Do they do a drugs test? Baby: No Doyley: Thank fuck for that! Doyley enquiring how he goes about getting a gun licence.! Doyley and guns!
Subs: Roymond, Matt, Smudge, Tom (new)-did I miss anyone?
In a word: Corners!
In a sentence: Closer than it looks
A bright Autumn morning, the sun glistening on the dew - and a result for the ages. Avery Hill were missing a number of stalwarts (notably Stewart), fieldíng Josh in goal. The return of Mad Dave coincided with the retum of Mike (he needs someone to kickl). As Smudge pointed out - "they've got a good team".
This proved to be prescient as AH took the lead early. Poor marking at a comer (where have I seen that before? Here: Oppo: Avery Hill - 25/08/24), with the Tamps failing to clear and the ball being turned in. Chef robustly argued the case for a shove in the build up.Baby pointed out to him that it might be better to wait until the ball was cleared before doing SO.
Avery Hill had started well; Tamps were soon level. Winning a comer on the left, GG floated one to the back-post, which was met by Finchy, rising like a dirigible to power home. 1-1 soon became 2-1 -Graham's corner from the right this time, with Dillsy, stooping at the near post for the header.
The lead didn't last long however - another Avery Hill comer, Tamps only half clearing, the returned ball finding Grant (I think) at the back of the box to volley home. Believe it or not, despite all the goals both keepers were having good games - Tony making 2 or 3 good saves and Josh a worldy, from Graham's free kick.
Words were exchanged when Joggsy, and GG tangled - the former going over the latters leg whilst trying to intercept. Referee Mitch, channelling Mike Callaghan, remained unimpressed. Just before the half Tamps made it 3-2 - and a good goal at last, Mad Dave's attempt at a long-pass was not so much Glenn as Glenda, Finchy easily cutting out. To make matters worse for Dave, Mike then out-muscled him and squared for Graham. Despite a bad first touch (his own words) GG composed himself and fired into the comer, with John gaining quickly.3-2 at half-time. Could we push on?
At first it would seem not - Tamps once again conceding early after half time (where have l seen that before? Here: Oppo: Avery Hill - 25/08/24). A cross from the right after we lost the ball in midfield, and with Tony at a [full] stretch he could only palm the ball down, which fell nicely for John to tap home.
Was history repeating itself? Perhaps not, as from here Tamps took control. New boy Tom, and [kinda, new boy] Dillsy were on top on our left, Chef was pushing forward and supporting Ryan on the right, and Tonksy was an engine in midfield. Avery Hill had to make a change with Andy coming off (groin), and from here they lost their shape.
Dillsy, made it 4-3, his cross-shot (read; cross) beating a flailing Josh at the back post. Then, a penalty shout! Baby covered Paa's run into the box. As they both stopped to turn the Avery Hill man was down. Had there been contact? Mitch, still channelling Mike Callaghan from the centre circle, didn't think so. Baby later admitted that Paa had stood on his foot. We've all seen them given.
Having survived that scare, the Tamps finally gave themselves some breathing space with the best goal of the game - new boy Tom running on the Graham's beautifully weighted pass and slotting home. This knocked the wind out of AH, and from here the goals came thick and fast, another comer, fired in low and in off the defender (possibly Toggsy) and Josh. Ryan, challenging with Josh for a ball, with Mike finally scoring after his initial effort was blocked. And Roy, getting the last two in similar fashion, no doubt helped by the elbow he gave Toggsy, (who should have been marking him).
Twelve goals, at least six of which came from corners. At times it was like watching Tottenham. Alan Hansen would be turning in his grave (too soon?). And Del missed it all.
MoM: Tonksy - Engine. MoM (according to Graham) "me; 1 goal and 4 assists" Things they said: Grant - "Dave, why are you trying a 40-yard pass?" Podge -“To be fair, Grant it was barely 18..."
Chef's rant at Mitch for a push (for their first goal) - a lot was said, most of it unintelligible
"I'm not going to say anything..." Stewart let's AH know how disappointed he is with them
In The Bar: What did you change..?' Mad Dave looks for answers from Baby as his recent run of results continues
'I've gotta make a crumble' Matt's in trouble for staying late
'Tony got a puncture.. .' Baby has an excuse alreadly lined up
Oppo: Crofton - 01/09/24 Score: 2-3
Team: Tony – Andre Paul G Podge jr – Dave Chef Paul T Tonksy John - Martin SD Subs Kevin (new lad) SmudgerScorers: OG (Glen), SD
In a word: Mistakes!
In a sentence: A hard watch
After last week’s performance against AH we were fairly confident of getting a result, it didn’t happen. A game where good football was at a minimum doing the basics well was imperative, but, from two dead ball situations we managed to forget about marking, Johnny put Crofton in front being left alone on the edge of the 6 yard box and firing home, from a corner Simon had a free header in the 6 yard box 0-2. I can’t remember us testing Big Al in goal. So at h/t it was 0-2. Our highlight of the 1st half was Baby’s dash to the toilet 15mins into the game, not seen him move that quick in a long while!
The 2nd half was a bit better with positional changes helping a little, one of our new recruits, Martin, came off at h/t with a back injury, unfortunate as he looked ok. We got back into the game when a nothing cross into the box was thumped into his own goal by Glen to much amusement from both sides, his new colourful boots working perfectly. We then had our best spell of the game and looked likely to get a 2nd when a long ball sent their new forward away he raced into the box and was looking to cross the ball when it got away from him and he toe ended the ball inside the near post, he did admit that wasn’t what he intended to do. Slack marking from a free kick saw Doyley smash in our second, the game fizzled out but, not before Smudge came on for the last 10mins only to get wacked in the calf muscle which left him with one normal sized calf and one resembling one of Jack Grealish’s.
Crofton just about deserved their win but it was hard to take after the previous weeks performance. Only 3 from the AH game started against Crofton, not having a core 6/7 every week makes things a lot harder.
In the bar: The worst food ever, so bad that the Gaffer wouldn’t have fed it to his foxes
Oppo: Avery Hill - 25/08/24
Score: 5-3 Chris(2), GG
Team: Tony Matt Finchy Podge sr Adam – Squire Tonksy Smudger Chris – SD GG Sub: Roymond
In a word: Stoic
In a sentence: Ran out of legs.
This was always going to be a tough game but losing Chef and Baby on Saturday meant we were down to 12! Of those, Tony had damaged ribs, Matt had a really bad back and Chris was Still suffering with a heavy cold. As per usual AH went from 9 on Friday to 13 on Sunday and it was not far off their best side. AH had more of the ball in an excellent 1st half but, we used it better and with Podge commanding at centre back and GG making great runs up front we were holding our own. AH scored first due to poor marking at a corner, Grant had a free header which somehow squeezed between Tonkys legs and dribbled over the line. By now Matt was suffering badly with his back injury but manfully played on, Adam was feeling the full force of Johnny’s hefty challenges (He needs to chat with someone about his anger issues!). Tamps then hit back, Finchy's long throw was headed back to him and he produced an excellent cross which was met by Chris who ghosted in Mary, sorry Martin Peters like at the far stick 1-1. Then a tremendous move started with Smudgers 40 yard crossfield pass to Matt who eased it down the line to Mick, from there to GG and onto Tonksy who laid it into the path of Chris and his shot looped over Danny...2-1, the whistle sounded for the end of a very good half of football.
More if the same in the 2nd half was the call, unfortunately we conceded inside a minute when a mix up between Tony and Adam resulted in a tap for the AH sub Paul (ex Sanco), despite this setback we were still in the game and playing well. AH went back in front when a corner was partially cleared and Togsy volleyed the ball into the net, We were not done and a neat move down our right side saw GG turn his defender and curl a brilliant shot into the top corner, 3-3 no less than we deserved. Matt eventually made way for Roymond with 10 mins to go, by now we were looking a little leggy and Paa’s snap shot beat Tony low to his left, Grant added a 5th right at the end of the game. A loss but a very creditable performance considering the side we had out, the 4 midfield players had an aggregate age of 255 (Squire,Smudger, Tonksy and Chris) probably the oldest ever for a Tamps side and, all played the full 90.
Things they said:
‘I could have done that’ Smudge to Finchy after his free kick went straight out for a goalkick. ‘He dived’ Johnny after a robust two footed tackle on Adam We had a good turnout in the bar with only Doyley absent.
Onto Crofton next week and hopefully a bigger more youthful squad.
OT SUPER VETS v Charlton Rangers Vets……age is a thing.🤔
Away at Home. Their fixture. Their Ref. The Quaggy. 18.08.24.
Team: Tony, Matt, Baby, Tommy, Dangerous ( at least to himself) Dave, Chris, Stuart, Podge, Andy, Chef, Graham, Neil, Tonksy, Smudge, Tom L. Tim: Lino.
0-3. We should have at least scored!
The Match: A larger squad than we’d calculated on Thursday, with 4 Avery Hill stalwarts covering many ( 13) Tamp absentees- slightly fewer than the number of Chelsea ‘first teamers’ training away from the squad-assembled for the first fixture of a new year. For Smudge, it was his 31st campaign in club colours whilst, after a 1983 debut, it is Tim’s 40th full season. Back in 84-85 there were 18 games, 12 were won and none lost; Tim scored 21 goals.
As indicated above the oppo did not field a Super Vets side and were even younger than usual. We had 5 players over 60 and several closer to 60 than 50. We conceded two in a first half that in terms of possession and opportunity was more even than the score line indicated. The keeper saved well and at close range from both Graham and Chef and the former unwisely heeded the call and laid the ball off for Tonksy to strike, as expected, rather ineffectually, when he could have had a go himself. We had some good combined attacking play- despite Matt’s Touch Finder boots and Andy’s uncharacteristically wayward passing-and strong individual play from Tommy who won the ball on the edge of our box, beat several opponents in a surging length of the pitch run but couldn’t find a telling finish. Charlton went ahead when a well flighted ball to the back post was poked home by the long leg of their interesting and somewhat narcissistic, centre forward. Their second was a fine individual goal. Their wide right player was given too much space and he was able to run in to the box and, as Tony hesitated, expertly lobbed the ball over the advancing keeper. Ahead of the goal Dangerous Dave’s run forward led to a slip and face plant, a damaged nose and a necessary substitution that left our left side more exposed.
Half time substitutions led to Smudge replacing Stuart, patched up Dangerous coming back on for Matt, Tom L taking over from Chef and Chris coming back on for Andy.
Again we were competitive and, for much of the half, the better side. Smudger’s successful tackle exemplified the team’s commitment. With Tom up front we tested the oppo defence more and Graham continued to dominate from our left, with strong runs and crosses that deserved to be converted by a team mate.Tonksy had the best chance but fired over. Podge was strong in the centre of midfield and Baby played some telling long passes from the back. The Ref failed to penalise the right back for grabbing and holding G and this and a few other questionable calls added heat. In the first half the Ref had called Graham offside even though he’d run from his own half and it was clear that one defender was closer to the penalty area than the halfway line. Charlton did hit the woodwork, Tony showing excellent judgement and he also made a superb one on one stop blocking the young forward’s close range effort. A decent but undeserved third came when a cleared corner fell to Frankie, unmarked on the right, to swerve a controlled shot in at the far post. Even at the death with the keeper beaten we couldn’t find the net as defenders twice cleared off the line. A competitive contest but one where the quality of our finishing didn’t match the strength of other aspects of a determined performance with Chef’s full commitment to a 50-50 perhaps taking determination a tad too far.
In the Bar: There was further opportunity to talk about Millwall’s futile comeback at Bristol City: 2-0 down, 3-2 up, lost 4-3. Baby had been up since 3 a.m. for Bambi killing and his camouflage garb had been admired in the car park. ( Who was Chef talking to?) There was plenty of post match sustenance as only one of the Oppo stayed- giving us an easy ‘In the Bar’ victory.
What they said: ‘ You’ve got previous!’ Charlton prefer to focus on Tim as Lino rather than some dubious refereeing decisions. ‘ Don’t worry Lino- you’ve done nothing wrong’. One Charlton player mustered a sporting and fair assessment. ‘I’m fine.’ Dangerous Dave as blood continued to flow from his injured nose. ‘ Tom ( Lawrence) won’t be here for kick off’. He arrived for the second half. And, perhaps summing things up: ‘ Stop moaning! I’m 41- I’m a Vet!’ Fine – not part of a Super Vets side then.
