Team: Tony, Neil, Chef, Matt, Steve A, Mike, Jon, Ryan, Danny, Paul T, Doyley
Subs: Simon, Asbo, Dan, Tom L, Doyley
In a word: Battling
In a sentence: A good comeback.
All the talk in the lead up to the game was around the age of the Erith squad and the various WhatsApp groups were alive with speculation and discussion around the points being awarded to the Tamps on account of the youthfulness of the opposition. The winner of this game would secure a place in the Quaggy Cup final. In the end, the game was played with the points on the line and a confident Smudger predicting that we could beat them with the squad we had available. He wasn’t far wrong in the end.
The Tamps were again able to pick from a strong squad and even had to turn players down for fear of having too many subs. Roymond pulled out with a groin strain on the Friday - it would seem that even at this ripe old age some are still getting it. Dino was unable to make it on the morning with his car breaking down, and Little Dave was MIA, this meant a spot on the bench was taken by young Tom Lawrence of the Tamps youth development squad. A quick scan of the opposition during a rigorous warm up session ( the walk from the changing rooms to the pitch ) suggested that many of the Erith players were young enough to confidently wear white underwear.
Baby started with Tony in his usual spot, Matt, Neil, Lee and Steve across the back, Danny and Mike on the flanks and Jon and Ryan in the middle, Paul T and Chef were paired up front. The game kicked off, and it wasn’t long before the Erith striker ( 39 ) raced onto a lofted ball over the top and finished powerfully giving Papa Smurf no chance of keeping it out. Worse was to follow when their other striker was left one on one with Lee, turning him before finding the back of the net. Two nil down in the first 15 minutes didn’t bode well. The Tamps were struggling to keep possession and Matt found himself up against their forward, who went past him too easily before adding a third goal for the visitors. The Tamps were shell shocked and the feeling was this could be a long morning. Baby had seen enough, and a switch was made with Matt making way for Dan and a more mobile Steve Arnold slotting into the back four. This steadied the ship, and the Tamps started to contain Erith a bit more. The Tamps were now enjoying more of the ball which led to a corner which was swung in by Mike for Chef to head home. This gave the Tamps a lifeline going onto the break at 1-3.
Baby rallied the troops at half time, and Asbo came on up top for Paul T, and Tom L coming on for Danny who had played well on his return after missing the previous week. Despite Erith making changes too and bringing on more of their youth team ( the conservative estimate being that they were now fielding around 5 under 45’s ) the Tamps were really growing into the game, and enjoying most of the chances, whilst managing to nullify the Erith attack. Dan turned his ankle whilst coming down from a challenge for a header, and had to make way for Paul T. With the pressure building a ball to Mike inside the box drew a foul from the lunging Erith defender, and Tim had no hesitation in pointing to the spot. Paul T for the second week running stepped up to plant the ball beyond the diving keeper ( mid thirties at a guess? ) to make it 2-3. This was turning out to be the proverbial game of two halves, and the Tamps were now much in the ascendency. The gaffer brought on more fresh(ish) legs with Neil making way for Doyley and Simon coming on for Lee – both departing players were injured, which along with Dan may mean that the Tamps are short for the upcoming season finale against Belvedere. The change in personnel and formation did in fact keep the Tamps on the front foot, and having forced another corner they were to find themselves level when Mike swung the ball in and it went straight into the bottom corner. Did he mean it? Who cares?!? At this point a team has a decision to make; shut up shop and take a point, or push on for the win, which is what was needed in order to make it to the final of this prestigious cup. The Tamps went with plan C and conceded a fourth goal when the Erith midfielder ( who was over 45 and having a good game to be fair ) picked the ball up 30 yards out, and bopped one past the despairing lunge / shuffle of Tony. Surely the Tamps couldn’t let this slip after working so hard to get back into the game? They needn’t have worried though as the man of the moment ( Mike P ) popped up at the right time, in the right place to tap in at the back post to bring the Tamps level again. The boy can’t stop scoring! There was one more scare for the Tamps at the end of the game when a ball that should have been cleared was latched onto by the Erith forward, but Tony made an excellent save to keep the scores level and a 4-4 draw was seen out.
This was an excellent comeback by the Tamps much enjoyed by the hordes of crowds ( Smudger, Surj and Roy ), and showed great spirit against a young and aggressive Erith side. This sets the Tamps up well for the last game of the season against Belvedere, where a win is required to avenge the defeat against them in the previous fixture.
What they said:
“Here comes Right Said Fred!” – Ryan as Asbo and Steve A arrived at the ground together.
“He’s got his hands on my birds baps!” – Asbo commenting on Smudger holding Belle’s burger whilst she added some sauce
“You might get a game next week”, “Let’s hope not” – Tony to Matt
A glorious Sunday morning and a game against our closest rivals at the home of football, the John Roan School Playing fields, with them wanting to avenge the recent defeat in the Quaggy Cup game. The Tamps were again boasting a full squad, with rumours that Avery Hill were struggling for a side. This much used ruse was blown apart on sight of a decent squad that was also boasting a sub or two. There was some pre match controversy with Roymond announcing in the ‘warm up’ that he was transferring from the Tamps to Avery Hill, it transpired that this was only to help them out in this fixture and not permanently, much to the delight/disappointment of many, depending on their point of view.
Baby who was still recovering from his recent illness took responsibility for selecting a team from the fine set of athletes at his disposal and went with a familiar 4-4-2 with Tony between the sticks, a back four of Lee, Chef, Neil and Simon, a midfield consisting of Mike, Dave, Jon and Ryan with Paul T and Dino spearheading the attack. Tim was again the man in the middle and whistled for the start of the latest instalment of this fierce rivalry to commence.
The Tamps came out of the traps quickly, and Ryan was put through on goal, but he was unable to make the chance count. This seemed to spur Avery Hill into action, and they started to control the game and were enjoying most of the possession. A ball was played in behind and Simon who was ‘speeding’ back to deal with it pulled up with a twang of his hamstring. You tend to find players with pace are afflicted by these sort of injuries (think Michael Owen, Gareth Bale etc), but unfortunately so was Simon, and he had to leave the field with Matt coming in at right back, and the other defenders shifting across accordingly. Avery Hill’s pressure and the Tamps inability to retain possession led to their opener, with a ball played across the box, and Matt having forty winks their forward showed good movement to slot home. Though the Tamps weren’t playing well they did manage to gain a foothold in the game, and started to cause problems for the opposition, this led to a ball being played into the box and the flag being raised for offside, but Mad Dave who had clearly been watching Chef inexplicably picked up the ball in the penalty area without the whistle having been blown. Tim showed due diligence and checked with the linesman and correctly established that the player who was flagged for offside wasn’t influencing play, and pointed to the spot. Paul T stepped up and calmly slotted the ball home beyond a diving Josh to level things up. Parity didn’t last for long though, with Avery Hill taking the lead via a scuffed shot from Johnny that deflected off at least two players before trundling over the line. Jon who had been carrying a knock and had run his socks off made way for Pecha on 40 minutes and we went in to the half time break trailing 1-2.
Going into the second half ‘fresh’ legs were brought on with Doyley taking Dino’s place up top and a tactical switch being made with Chef pushing into the holding midfield role and the Tamps switching to a back three. The intention being to wrestle more possession back and to push for the lead. This possibly didn’t go quite as well as hoped with Avery Hill creating chances and led to another switch in formation with the Tamps reverting to a back four. This turned the tide in our favour and led to the goal machine that is Doyley (two in two!) smashing home an unstoppable volley to bring the Tamps level. Doyley could have had another (and be in with a chance of the Golden Boot!) when he finished well but was adjudged to have been offside from an unselfish pass from Paul T. Tony nearly got caught out when a bobbling ball had to be tipped over the post after a missed header from Neil, but again made some great one-on-one saves to keep us in the game. The Tamps were now starting to play some decent football, with Little Dave switched to the left and Mike and Pecha dictating more of the play through the middle of the park. Ryan who had been frustrated at not seeing more of the ball was now being found more consistently and causing problems on the right wing. Lee, Neil, Matt and Chef (who was perhaps now running off the beers from the night before) were looking more comfortable dealing with the Avery Hill attacks. The breakthrough came when Little Dave switched the ball where it was moved on to Ryan who crossed and following his own ball he directed a header to Dino, who laid it off for Pecha who unleashed a rasping volley from the edge of the area into the bottom corner. This was perhaps harsh on Avery Hill who had played well, and possibly had more chances throughout the game. That said, the old adage about goals winning games was never truer, and the Tamps held out to secure the win. What they said:
‘I’ve got no legs left’. Lee explaining that a long hard season is taking its toll.
‘They made us an offer we couldn’t refuse’. What?’’‘Fuck all’ – Tim and Roy discussing his transfer to Avery Hill.
‘Who thought that was going in?!?’ – Discussing the bobbling ball that Tony just managed to tip over the bar. The answer being ‘everyone’.
‘I can’t do this anymore.’ – Baby showing his frustration of being on the sidelines and managing the Tamps. ‘It wasn’t that bad, last week was absolutely awful.’ – Smudger’s take on the performance.
‘He (Chef was man of the match. For them’. – Smudger again.
Inter Viagra. Home. Tennis Court Pitch. 26.04.26.
1-1( Chef)
Team: Tony, Chef, Lee, Paul G, Simon, Danny, Dave, Jon, Doyley, Mike, Paul T, Ryan, Tommy E. ( Roy, Chris, Dino: unused.). Tim: Ref. Smudge: Supporter.
In a Sentence: A game of two halves.
In a Word: Underachieving.
The Game: After securing a pleasing- and much needed- win in the previous fixture Matt felt he could take the week off to enjoy Chelsea at Wembley leaving Baby in charge. The sun was shining and a larger than expected squad was ready to perform. Paul G was back for his first game since September and partnered Lee at the centre of the back 4 with Simon on the left and Chef at right back. John and Dave formed the centre midfield with Danny on the right and Doyley left. Surely we would build on the previous week success.
It didn't work out like that in the first half that was dominated by inter Viagra. They were stronger in midfield and we're often able to advance unmarked players into the box. That they only scored one goal was largely down to some decent defending and in particular some fine work by Tony in goal. He was able to get fingertips to several shots pushing the ball wide on several occasions and in one instance onto the bar. Inter also had several threatening corners and we had to hack the ball clear more than once. Inter opened the scoring midway through the half when a cross from the left was fortuitously back headed into the net as the forward competed with Lee. Tony on this occasion was unable to get back across goal to make the save. Not only did we fail to create any telling chances in the first half but we also failed to force a corner. One nil to Inter at half time- we needed to change a few things.
Moving to a back 3 with five in midfield Chef in the holding role and Ryan and Tom coming on for Doyley ( who would be back on for the last 10 and have a decent shot from outside the box well saved) and Dave gave us better balance. Mike and Paul T was seeing far more of the ball up top and we were playing the ball from the back and through midfield much more fluently. We were to dominate the half but could only secure an equaliser late on. Prior to this our two best chances were for Lee and Paul T. Lee's header from a corner was hacked off the line and when Paul T intercepted a defender’s pass across the box he would have expected to beat the keeper but surprisingly sent his shot over the bar. Mike had a couple of reasonable chances but a header and lob both went wide.Jon was able to play a much more attacking role – usually on the right and linked play well.
Our goal had an element of comedy about it but followed decent build up play that saw the ball moved invitingly into the box. Paul T and Ryan booth attempted a shot with the latter painfully kicking the former. Fortunately the ball broke to Chef left of the penalty spot and he finished well. Inter had little to offer in the second-half but still had two fine chances to seal a win. For the first Tony made an even more impressive save than he had earlier in the game. With the forward running in on goal Tony had to advance rapidly and react smartly, diving to block his attempt with two strong arms. Later on Inter’s Simon was sent through and with just Tony to beat put the ball wide of the post perhaps discombobulated by Tony’s fluorescent blue rinse. 1-1 full time- the half time changes had done their job. Into the bar where Smudge bought birthday drinks and Roy mused about the club’s parlours financial state.
What they Said.
‘He trod on my toe - the c**t!’ Danny accidentally causes Glen some anguish. With Inter in possession Tim could let the game flow.
‘Chef! You’re the holding midfield player! Get back!’ Baby- several times – with others also encouraging closer attention to defensive duties. ‘That’s still in! And that’s over the line!’ Mike demonstrates when a throw-in should be given after Gerry’s dubious first half call with the ball seemingly not fully over the line.
….and in a later WhatsApp: ‘Sorry mate I was so focused on shooting and was thinking I'm just going to hit it as hard as I can but didn't expect it to be your foot I was hitting. I hope it's on the mend soon mate.’ Ryan to Paul T on their combined assist.
Avery Hill - Away – Quaggy Cup - 19/04/26
Score: 2-3
Team: Tony, Matt, Lee, Steve, Neil, Jon, Dave, Danny, Doyley, Asbo, Paul T
Subs: Mike P, Roymond
In word: Result
In a sentence: A well deserved win
There was some controversy leading up to this match with Avery Hill trying to revert it back to a ‘league’ game rather than a Quaggy Cup game on account of them not expecting to have great numbers. This was contested by management prior to the game, with a plaintive ‘what if we don’t have decent squad for when it’s rescheduled?’ This was met with some mirth and a ‘so much the better for us!’. Decency prevailed though with Matt from Avery Hill confirming during the warm up that this would indeed be a cup game. They boasted14 players, so their fears we misplaced in any case.
Neil who was guesting with us hadn’t been given the memo that he was to bring his own shorts and socks, and for the first time ever the ‘kit’ bag was left behind with Matt explaining ‘it’s full of a load of old shit, and never gets used’, it does however have some shorts and socks in it. I think they call that sods law. Mike also realised that he had forgotten his boots and had to make a return trip to Bexley to get them, meaning he missed the kick-off.
This didn’t seem to upset the balance of the team too much, with a quick tactical switch, bringing Asbo back to left midfield and Doyley starting up top with Paul T. The Tamps showed no hangover from the previous week and started the game well, with good control, some nice passing and possession. Neil slotted in seamlessly at the back alongside Lee, and their iron resolve and calm use of the ball was matched with Steve Arnold’s attacking threat from the much-revered left-back spot. Matt on the right had ‘one of those days’ where most passes seemed to find touch rather than a team mate. Tony, who had dyed his hair blue and had more than a passing resemblance to Pappa Smurf found himself largely untroubled, but was alert and dealt with the few occasions that the Avery Hill front line manged to break through.
Doyley made way mid-way through the first half, and Mike came in on the left and Asbo pushed up top with Paul T. The midfield four were dictating the game with Jon and Dave winning and using the ball well, and Asbo and Danny a constant threat either side of them. The pressure was to tell when Tamps’ attacking play had forced another free kick. Paul T swung in a ball, which Danny unsuccessfully tried to head across goal, but this left the keeper flat footed and the ball nestled directly into the bottom of the net. This may have had an element of luck about it, but it was no more than the Tamps deserved for their endeavours. They were also denied a penalty, when a ball bounced up hitting the hand of the defender in the box, but the appeals were turned away, with Ken who was refereeing explaining that even though he’d awarded a free kick against the Tamps for the same offence earlier in the game, he wasn’t going to award this one as ‘it would be a penalty’. Pick the bones out of that if you can. This meant the Tamps went into the break with just the one goal lead when their excellent all-round play possibly deserved more.
Baby who was on the touchline and recovering well from having his gall bladder removed sent out the same 11 to start the second half, which followed much the same pattern as the first with the Tamps enjoying the majority of possession and Avery Hill struggling to fashion any clear-cut chances. This lead to another corner, which was swung in by Asbo with Lee and Neil challenging the keeper, but with none of them claiming it, a grateful Mike at the back post controlled the ball on his chest and stabbed home to give the Tamps some daylight. Better was to come when a ball was played out from defence, before being switched to Mike on the left who crossed a sweeping first time ball to the on-rushing Paul T, who let it bounce once before lashing the ball on the volley into top bins from 25 yards out. A candidate for goal of the season for the crowd ( Surj ) to enjoy. This seemed to rouse the opposition, with Angry Paul in particular sliding in dangerously on numerous occasions and another wanting to fight everyone, though him slapping Mike on the back of the head and running away possibly didn’t show his fighting skills in the best light. Changes were made to give Roymond much needed ( and indeed demanded ) minutes in his comeback from injury, and Dave making way for Doyley who joined Roy up top.
As is the tradition with the Tamps, they gave the opposition a sniff of a comeback when a ball was played in behind, with Matt getting back, but unable to sort his feet out quickly enough to clear, and the ball was poked home to give Avery Hill some hope. This re energised them, and the Tamps having made changes lost a bit of shape and control of the game, letting Avery Hill grab a second to make the scoreline look closer than the flow of the game had suggested.
The referee perhaps hoping to give Avery Hill a chance to grab the equaliser they would need to stay in contention for the Quaggy Cup played a fair bit of ‘Fergie’ time, but the Tamps held on for the victory and a chance to progress further in this prestigious competition. Viagra up next week, and a chance to put a run together.
What they said:
"I’m using Tim Davies’s watch" – Ken explaining the suspiciously long period of extra time.
"It’s the Eurovision song contest that weekend too!" – Tony pointing out a clash with one of our upcoming fixtures. Enough said.
"Perhaps this is why he was so Angry!" – Baby on the news that Charlton Rangers manager has decided to come out / transition.
This was a match with a strong sense of de ja vu for the Tamps, with some key players missing, and the opposition fielding a team predominantly made up of under 40’s. Smudger was carrying an injury and Asbo had been out on ‘a big one’ the day before. There was a no-show from Chef, possibly to give someone else a shot at getting the man of the match award. Tim was soaking up the culture in Italy, so Roy stepped up to take the whistle.
What looked like a potentially hard day at the office before kick off quickly became a grim reality when the Tamps fell behind in the first three minutes. A second followed when Tony conceded one he might have done better with. The Tamps tried to hold on, and had some fleeting good passages of play, but went further behind when a third was added. Things were to get worse when Smudger’s injury flared up and he had to go off with Chris coming on to replace him at right back. The tide was stemmed, and the Tamps went into the break to regroup.
Simon had flagged before the game that he would need to leave at half time but sportingly gave the Tamps another 15 minutes of the second half before departing for work, meaning the home side were now reduced to 10 men against a much younger opposition already with their tails up. There were some battling performances, with Danny, Jon, Tom and Dave working hard in the middle to try to stem the flow, and Asbo and Doyley feeding off scraps up top. Tony made some great saves to keep things ( semi ) respectable, but in the end Santos’ numerical and youthful advantage showed with the Tamps conceding another 5 goals in the second half. The opposition seemed to find a strange enjoyment in beating a Super Vets team, with their goalkeeper coming up for corners in an effort to increase their lead and another player throwing the ball away when a decision for a throw-in went against him. It’s also worth mentioning the third goal was clearly directed into the net via the hand of one of the young lads playing in midfield for Santos, no sportsmanship was to be shown in owning up to this. If this gives them enjoyment on a Sunday morning, then so be it.
The conclusion is that given the disparity in the age of the squads this may be a fixture that the Tamps politely decline in the coming season.
The Tamps go again next week against Avery Hill in the Quaggy Cup hoping to progress further and a chance of some silverware.
What they said:
'I am old enough, I’m over 35!' – Just one of the oppo who clearly hadn’t grasped that this was a Super Vets fixture.
'You wanna grow up you f****ng c*nt '– Matt to the oppo who threw the ball away.
'We might not play them again; they’re getting younger and we’re getting older' – Smudger saying what we were all thinking.
'Perhaps this is why he was so Angry!' – Baby on the news that Charlton Rangers manager has decided to come out / transition.
Inter Viagra – Home – 22/3/26
Score: 0-0
Team: Tony, Matt, Mike P, Asbo, Doyley, Jon, Dillsy, Lee, Chef, Little Dave, Tom E.
Subs: Smudger, Dino, Tom L
In a sentence: A rare clean sheet
In a word: Stalemate
A consecutive week of football at the Roan a sure sign of the improving spring-like conditions. Pre match the Tamps were boasting a strong line up, but it was unfortunately reduced in numbers with Baby uncharacteristically pulling out on the morning. It later transpired that he ended up in hospital needing to have his gall bladder removed. A better excuse than some that have been given over the years. Dino was also struggling with a heavy cold, but had soldiered through not wanting to let his team mates down. It was a home game for Viagra, but Gerry had asked Tim to referee, and the line up was completed by Roymond who helped by running the line.
In a sign of his advancing maturity, recent good form and confidence Jon was entrusted to perform the captain duties, winning the toss and choosing not to change the teams around. The game kicked off with the Tamps having their backs to the sun, the wind behind them and a resolute Viagra defence in front of them.
The Tamps played a back four of Matt, Lee, Chef and Dillsy, with the latter perhaps spending more time in the opposition half than worrying about the more mundane aspects of being a defender. Lee had another solid game and Chef proclaimed himself to be man of the match ‘again’. Modesty not something that troubles his mind. For the second week running, Matt seemed not to be suffering with a hangover, causing concern for the financial health of the hostelries in the Bexley area. Mike P and Jon were deployed in the centre of midfield, and displayed a good combination of industry and guile with Little Dave husting and bustling one side and Tom E blowing out of his arse on the other. This fine group of athletes was topped off with Asbo and Doyley up front.
As per the previous week the Tamps were enjoying good possession of the ball, but chances were proving hard to come by, the best of which being a cross that Doyley might have done better to get his head on to give the Tamps the goal they were pushing for. Asbo was his usual busy self, and getting booted up in the air as a reward. The Tamps brought fresh legs on up front with Dino coming in for Doyley but the breakthrough couldn’t be forced.
The Second half was to follow much the same pattern, with Tony having little to do, but keeping his concentration and distributing the ball well when required. A further switch was made with Dino and Doyley swapping places again, and Tom L coming on for the departing Dillsy who had to get to his son’s match. Tom L was perhaps slightly under par having enjoyed a few too many sherberts in the club the day before, and was unable to help the Tamps unlock a resolute Viagra back four, and the game was to end in stalemate.
A clean sheet and some good individual performances are bright spots for the Tamps to build on going into the international break. No game next week and some of the squad will be enjoying a team bonding exercise sampling the many delights of Bexley Village. What they said:
"Another man of the match from me" – Chef modestly assessing his performance.
"I left him for dead!" – Roy making the case for his comeback after skinning a 70 year old in the over 60’s game the day before.
"We’re going into confirmed St George’s flag territory next week!" – Tim on the upcoming drinks in Bexley.
Crofton – Home – 15/3/26
Score: 2-2
Team: Tony, Matt, Lee, Baby, Mike P, Chef, Jon, Neil, Danny, Asbo, Paul T Subs: Smudger, Chris, Dilsy, Little Dave, Dino, Doyley
In a sentence: Last minute lapse of concentration….
In a word: Annoying!
A week of dry weather saw a much-welcomed return to the hallowed grounds of the Roan for the Tamps to face up to Crofton on a fine, sunny spring morning. They were boasting a large squad giving the rookie management team some tough decisions to make before kick-off. There was also a shirt amnesty, with all players being asked to return shirts to be washed weekly and kept in the kit bag as a solution to the ever-changing match-day squad and avoid Roymond having to dip into the club funds to buy more shirts that would likely disappear into the ether. All change!!
The Tamps started well, playing three across the back, with Matt on the right, Baby in the middle and Lee to the left. Chef pushed into the midfield anchor role and did a good job on stifling the Crofton midfield danger man, and wining more than his fair share of the ariel battles. Baby was splaying the ball around well and Lee was putting in another solid display in the much revered left-back spot, snuffing out the threat from the right hand side. Matt wasn’t pissed, which was nice. The disappointing result from the previous week seemed to be having the desired effect and the Tamps looked up for it and settled into the game well, with Neil and Jon industrious in the middle of the park - the latter ‘letting them know he was there’ with some ‘committed’ challenges. This resulted in Matty, the pink-booted Crofton forward losing a toenail. Matt, clearly benefitting from a night off the sauce was biting into the challenges bringing a cry of ‘we’ve all got to go to work in the morning’ from the opposition forward. The battle for the revered Mr Tackle award coming alive for all to see. Danny and Mike were causing problems either side of them with Asbo and Paul T up front harrying and running at the Crofton defence. Asbo was to have the ball in the net but sportingly admitted that he had handballed it in the build up, and the goal being disallowed. It was only to be a temporary stay of execution as Mike was soon to have reward for his good all-round play, picking up a ball that been misjudged by Neil in the Crofton defence and lobbing the keeper to give the Tamps a deserved lead. The pressure was now beginning to show, with further chances to extend the lead, before a ball played through from the Tamps defence found Mike sprinting clear to score his second of the game and give the Tamps some breathing space going into the break.
Prior to kicking off the second half Tim who was refereeing the game had a word with Jon and Matt asking them to tone down the ferocity of their challenges as requested by the Crofton management. Changes were also made to the line up with Dilsy and Dino coming in for Danny and Asbo. The changes seemed to upset the balance of the team somewhat, and the Tamps conceded an unnecessary goal within minutes of the restart when despite three chances to do so the ball wasn’t cleared, finally falling to the Crofton forward to shoot / cross towards goal, Tony scrabbled back but was unable to stop it nestling in the net. The Tamps had been comfortable, some might even say in control of the game to this point, but perhaps as a sign of their brittle confidence of late the goal seemed to unnerve them and Crofton started to grow into the game causing more problems, particularly with long kicks from Ross who’d taken over in goal for the injured Kevin. He also made a great save from Chef’s shot which would have given the Tamps a more comfortable lead to defend. More fresh legs came on for the Tamps, with Little Dave coming on for Neil and Doyley slotting in up top for Paul T. This meant that Chris and Smudger were kept in reserve with an important over 60’s fixture to look forward to the following week. Crofton rarely troubled Tony in the Tamps goal, and the Tamps pushed on in search of a third goal with Doyley missing a chance when he could have perhaps scored to put the game to bed, but this all out attack left gaps at the back, which Crofton exploited with pretty much the last attack of the game. A ball up the line was crossed into the box, and after a bit of a melee was backheeled into the net to level the scores. The push for the win ultimately resulted in a draw but it is something to build on for the upcoming game against Viagra.
There was a good turn out in the bar after, and Matt’s card went over the jump to buy belated birthday drinks. What they said:
Could you have a word Ref? We’ve all got to work in the morning. – The Crofton players taking umbrage at the Tamps enthusiastic tackling.
Well, he’s got no height and he’s got no spring. - On Tony failing to keep out the first goal.
What’s going on? Little Dave wonders where the centre midfielders are.
Belvedere away 08/03/26
Score: 2-1
Team: Tony, Matt, Lee, Dan, Jon, Baby, Neil, Martin, Dino, Asbo, Doyley Subs: Simon, Chris , Tim
In a sentence: Undone by a slow start. In a word: Disappointing
Another trip to arguably the worst pitch the Tamps have to play on (run a close second by Crofton, depending on your point of view) though there was relief among some that it was at least on something resembling grass rather than the astro.
A few of the Tamps fabled youth team were missing and the ranks were bolstered with the appearance of Neil and Martin, with Chris and Tim on the sidelines ready to do their bit. Simon completed the numbers after battling his way through traffic / heading to the wrong ground. Tim kept himself warm by running the line with his usual aplomb and Chris by wrapping up in ( by conservative estimates ) around 15 layers of clothing.
The Tamps kicked off facing downhill but quickly gave themselves an uphill battle. With ten minutes gone, Matt who was coming off the back of another night on the tiles had a brainfart and turned into the oncoming Belvedere forward who nicked the ball and skipped in for an all too easy opener. The oppo who had started quickly added to their lead shortly after when a melee in the box saw the Tamps failing to clear the ball and it was lashed home to give Belvedere an early two goal cushion. There were further chances for them to extend the lead but the Tamps settled with Dan having a strong game at centre back alongside Baby, with both bringing the ball out of defence and finding players to try to find an opener to get back into the game. The last twenty minutes of the first half saw the Tamps begin to dominate possession with Jon unlucky not to score with a rasping shot that rattled the bar, and Asbo managing to put the ball over from a yard out; ‘It bobbled up’ being the official explanation. Two-nil at the break, with it all to do in the second half.
The second half kicked off and followed the same pattern as the end of the first half with the Tamps enjoying most of the possession. Jon was relishing the battle in the centre of the park ( possibly in an effort to make sure he isn’t played in a wingback role again ) and making good use of the ball. Martin was causing the Belvedere left back problems before he had to leave, with Simon slotting in and carrying on the good work. Neil was snapping into tackles and keeping the ball well alongside Asbo who was having a fine game on the left running at the defence and creating chances which they only seemed to be able to deal with by deploying brute force. The Tamps finally got the breakthrough their dominance deserved when a penalty was given for a handball late in the half. Despite Tony ( who was bored witless in the Tamps goal ) offering to take it Baby stepped up and slotted home. The Tamps continued to press for a deserved equaliser, coming close when Dino hit the inside of the post, and just failing to follow up to bundle home. Chris came into the fray for Doyley who’d battled well with 15 minutes to go, but it wasn’t to be, and a loss against Belvedere came to pass.
What they said:
I looked around, and didn’t see too many options, so thought fuck it – I’ll take it: Baby on his penalty.
I’m down for taking this right?!?: A slightly deluded / still pissed Tony ( he was also in the pub with Matt the night before ) with regards to the penalty.
I practice my other religion on a Sunday – Jon explaining why he wasn’t fasting.
Did you see that beard? That’s years of growth. Impressive. – Simon admiring the referees face furniture.
Ashburnham Arms – Away – Quaggy Cup – 8/2/26
Score: 3-4
Team: Tony, Matt, Baby, Lee, Dave, Mick, Jon, Tom C, Asbo, Dino, Chris ( Guest ) Subs: Smudger, Chris, Doyley
In a sentence: A return to winning ways In a word: Unity
Yet another week of incessant rain meaning the home of football ( Roan ) was out of bounds for this clash of the titans. Luckily Smudger and our Glorious Leader ( Mr Lawrence ) had the foresight to book the Samuel Montagu and the game was on, albeit at the later kick off time off 11.30am. Valuable post-game drinking time lost, but I guess that’s the definition of a double edged sword.
As with weeks gone by, the squad thinned out on the morning of the game with the Tamps fabled youth offering ( Tom E and Tom L ) unable to join us which required a hasty reshuffle of the starting 11. This had Baby with a pained expression on his face whilst working out who to play and where. You could almost hear the cogs whirring as he stared at the slightly unbalanced squad sheet.
The Tamps lined up with a back three of Lee, Baby and Matt, with Dave, Mick and Chris running the middle of the park and Tom C and Jon as wing backs. Jon seemed to particularly enjoy having Matt in his ear for the 90 minutes asking him to push up / get back in equal measure and Tom and Lee worked well together on the left, pushing and probing and keeping things tight at the back. Baby was his usual assured self, and even managed to make it through the whole game without calling himself or anyone else a cunt. The line up was completed with Dino and Asbo up front.
Despite Chris and Mick putting in an impressive performance in midfield and helping to dictate play the Tamps found themselves behind early in the first half with a shot from range, it was against the run of play and there was a feeling that heads might drop, but an effort on goal from Mick ended up in the Ashburnham net via a faint touch from the head from Asbo. Not to be outdone Chris who was having a fine game dribbled past a few desperate challenges before slotting home in the bottom corner to extend the Tamps lead to 1-2. The Tamps were getting the reward they deserved for a good team performance. Things were to get even better before the half time whistle, when Little Dave who had picked up the ball in midfield, advanced goalward, and after a call from Baby to ‘shoot!’ he did just that and popped in a belter of a goal. The celebration from Dave was a joy to behold as he wheeled away, disbelievingly exclaiming ‘I’ve got one, I’ve got one!!’. The beautiful game indeed.
Doyley came in for Dino and the second half kicked off, and the Tamps being the Tamps, wanted to make life hard for themselves conceding a goal pretty much from the restart. Who wants to cruise through a game anyway?
Although It was Asburnham’s home game, Roy had valiantly stepped up to referee, seemingly recovered from his fit of pique the previous week. A thankless task at the best of times, made all the worse by Baz who had subbed himself and was now running the line, and had decided that in order to make up for a disallowed goal for his team in the first half he would now flag any forward play by the Tamps for offside. This caused the usually unflappable Asbo to suggest that Baz was ‘a fucking cheat’. He did however have the last laugh by getting his second goal of the day, curling one top bins and restoring our two goal margin.
Smudger who’d come on 10 minutes into the half for the departing Mick (lunch in Eynsford dontcha know!) had kept things ticking over in the holding role now made way for Chris, who much like Cole Palmer is having his minutes carefully managed on his return to action. There was little for Doyley to feed off up front as the Tamps deployed a ‘hold what you’ve got’ game plan and managing to control the game well. That was until Dino, now employed in an unfamiliar right wing-back role inexplicably passed the ball across the Tamps box for the grateful Ashburnham player to pull it back to an oncoming forward to lash into the net. The score now 3-4 and the Tamps were now more nervous than perhaps they should of been. They did however manage to hold out for the final 5 minutes and a much needed win which takes them into the upcoming international break with renewed confidence.
Crofton – Away – 01/02/26
Score: 5-2
Team: Tony, Matt, Smudger, Chef, Lee, Asbo, Doyley, Dave, Ryan, Dan, Tom C Subs: Dino
In a sentence: Mistakes on the mud bath….
In a word: Sloppy
It’s fair to say that a large percentage of the Tamps squad have a firm preference to play the beautiful game on grass rather than the astro, but this was a case of ‘be careful what you wish for’. The game was at Crofton, which, even in the fairest of weather struggles to pass for a decent playing surface. Games on it the previous week and a fair bit of rain made it resemble the Somme in parts- though without the bodies- but at least one participant showing significant evidence of mental strain. There was to be a dismissal for disorderly conduct, an angry desertion from duty and frequent cries of anguish- particularly from the right wing.
As with previous weeks the squad had reduced from a healthy fifteen the night before to the bare 11 ( with Dino following up the rear after having a bit of a lay in ). This meant a start for Smudger in the fabled left back position, lining up alongside Lee and Chef at centre back and Matt at right back, who was clearly the worse for wear after a night on the tiles.
A bad start to the game saw the Tamps falling three behind in pretty quick order. The second of which was clearly offside which Tim correctly flagged, but the ref chose to ignore him and gave the goal, explaining it couldn’t be offside from a throw in, seemingly ignoring the two passes that followed it. Having conceded a third after Tony’s hesitation in dealing with Chef’s pass back and Crofton Jon steering the ball in form the tightest of angles Tamps got a goal back.Dino jinked his way through the penalty area before being upended. Ryan stepped up to stroke the penalty into the bottom left hand corner – giving the keeper no chance.
However it was 4-1 at half time after Matt (the football whore who plays for whoever will have him) intercepted a clearance and lofted the ball over Tony and into the net.
Tamps staged a bit of a comeback again reducing the deficit to two. Tom despatched an excellent individual goal for our second, ghosting past the Crofton defenders and firing in from outside the box. There was more controversy when a clearly offside Crofton forward went through on goal and was judged to be brought down by Tony ( I didn’t touch him Guv! ) Tony made a great save from the resulting penalty to keep the Tamps in the game.Having already tested the Ref’s patience, and following a barbed, far from brotherly exchange between Ryan and Lee Chef directed one unsubtle epithet too many at the Ref and was sent for an early bath.The penalty save proved a temporary reprieve though as another offside decision which didn’t go in the Tamps favour resulted in Crofton putting the game out of sight with a fifth and final goal of the game. Having been criticised for not giving an offside or two Roy angrily relinquished his post, dramatically hurling the flag to the floor.
A poor pitch and some very questionable decisions didn’t help the Tamps but it should be noted that some in-team bickering wasn’t productive, and a rare and unwelcome defeat to Crofton came to pass. We were more competitive in the second half but our own frailties and a refereeing error cost us dearly in a calamitous first half.
We live to fight another day, with Ashburnham Arms up next week and a chance to find that famous Tamps team spirit and a better result.
What they said:
'Fuck me, you smell like a brewery' – Asbo to Matt when he arrived late after unwisely heeding Roy’s advice to park at the Roan and walk round to Crofton.
'You’re a silly little c**t' – Chef to the ref (that rhymes!) moments before being given his marching orders.
Inter Viagra – Home – 18/01/26
Score: 0 - 2
Team: Tony, Matt, Asbo, Chef, Tom L, Jon, Dave, Ryan, Dan ( Guest ), Chris ( Guest ), Doyley Subs Smudger, Tom E, Chris, Dino
In a sentence: Possession without a cutting edge….
In a word: Wasteful
Another week of rain meant a return to the astroturf at the Samuel Montagu to face Inter Viagra. The Tamps had a good number of players meaning that Baby who was nursing a tight hamstring was able to rest up and referee the game in the absence of Tim who was sunning himself in the Gambia.
The Tamps started strongly and managed to have the vast majority of possession without creating too many clear-cut chances. Viagra were reduced to a rearguard action and didn’t really trouble a much changed Tamps back four with Tom Lawrence filling in at right back, bringing an attacking threat alongside Matt and Chef in the middle with Asbo also getting forward from the left back position. The closest the Tamps would come to scoring in the first half was a (missed) header from a corner that probably should have resulted in a goal. Further half chances were to go begging when a shot rather than another pass would have probably been the best option.
Baby was to demonstrate a commendable calm authority when the Viagra midfielder inexplicably went into a 5 minute melt down on the basis of a disputed offside decision.
Chris who’d been leading the line with Dan had to get away just before the half making way for Dino, but we went into the break at 0-0.
Changes were made at half time, with Dan making way and Tom E coming in at centre back and Tom L moving up top. The Tamps kept probing patiently for the opener, with Dave and Jon holding the middle and dictating play, and Ryan and Doyley working hard to create an opening.
Alas, as we were to find out the old adage about goals, not possession winning games is truer than ever. Viagra came back into the game, and Tony had to make two excellent one on one saves before the breakthrough came for Viagra. The Tamps back four were high up the pitch, and possession was lost and a ball played through for the Viagra forward to latch onto a despatch into the net. The goal was initially disallowed for offside, but Asbo rightly pointed out that the goal should stand.
The second goal was similar in that the Tamps lost possession in the opposition half and an incisive ball in behind was well taken by the Viagra left back. Even he looked surprised to have finished it so well. Further tweaks were made with Smudge slotting in at left back, and Asbo pushing up top and Chris coming in to the middle of the park to try to find a way back into the game, but apart from a good strike from Dino that hit the bar we couldn’t fashion any clear cut chances, and so a rare, and unwelcome loss to Viagra came to pass.
What they said:
Fuck this, I’m going into the middle – Ryan frustrated that he was not getting enough of the ball on the right.
I’ll see you after the game! – The Viagra midfielder to baby seemingly unable to let the offside decision go.
Told you I will get my first MOM of 2026 today – Chef modestly awarding himself the plaudits. Oi, Garcon – half a Moretti please – Roy calling out to the barmaid from his seat in the bar after the game. He obviously likes the taste of spit in his beer…
Oppo: LOTV. 11/01/26
Score:1-7
In a word: Humbled
In a sentence: Too many had off days.
Team: Chris Dino Lee Cookie Dilsy – Ryan Jon Little Dave Tom – SD GG Subs: Smudge Dan
A cold morning at Sam Montague astro but we managed to get 13 players to brave the winter weather, at times we wondered why we bothered. The first 10mins were very even until Canning worked there way down the right and a far post cross was met with a firm header, 0-1. After that we had a lot of the ball but didn’t create and awful lot, a comical 2nd goal and a fine finish saw us now 0-3 behind. Our only goal was a fine finish by Dilsy but that was as good as it got, 2 more finishes left us 1-5 down at h/t. The 2nd half was a bit better but apart from a glaring Dino miss we didn’t really trouble their keeper. Both Jon and Little Dave battled away in midfield and Cookie’s battle against a very good centre forward was highly entertaining, Chris helped us by going between the sticks and Smudge managed a 15min cameo, Tim reffed the game and did a top job. Not a great turnout back at the club! We managed 4, Smudge, Tim, Chris and Roy – the oppo managed 13.
Not a great start to 2026 but onwards and upwards.
Oppo: LOTV 04/01/26
Score 0-1
Team: I can’t remember A very tight game that was settled with a goal in the first 2mins, can’t say what happened as I was pumping up the balls at the time. From then on it was a very tight game, both keeper’s made saves in the 2nd half, the LOTV goalie made an absolute worldy from a deflected shot. Cookies battle with their mouthy midfield player was a great watch, especially a thumping ariel challenge which sent the LOTV player tumbling .
Good turnout back at the club, although, none of the oppo made it! Not the most social of teams. Onwards to Canning Town, bound to have a strong side out.
Inter Viagra. Home: at Sam Montagu. 16.11.2025.
5-1. Graham (2), Cookie, Paul T, Mike.
Team: Tony, Matt, Baby, Chef, Dilsy, John, Cookie, Dave, Doyley, Mike, Graham, Dino , Paul T, Smudge. (Tim : Ref; Smudge and Chris : Lino.)
In a Sentence: Eventful, memorable - with at least a decent contribution from everyone involved.
In a Word: Satisfying.
The Game: In a pre-game WhatsApp Matt declared ‘We have a plethora of talented players…’ He was to prove right even though Tom had to pull out and Ryan couldn’t make it. A decent bench of Dino, Smudge and late arrival Paul T would support a strong starting XI even though it would become apparent that Chef’s very late night would have impact whilst John- who still played well- showed some signs of fatigue linking to his newly arrived Grandson; named Zidane there won’t be any pressure on the lad. We’d wisely moved the game from a very muddy Roan to Sam Montagu and the big pitch and decent surface suited our play.
After an even 10 minutes or so the best chance of the game thus far fell to Graham but with the keeper to beat his shot across goal gave the opportunity for a decent save. It was though Graham who broke the deadlock a few minutes later. Chasing back he won the ball from Glen MLC and was able to coast through the defence and finish nonchalantly with a deft chip over the advancing keeper. A fine goal and a deserved lead.
With about half an hour gone Cookie- making a most welcome return to the side and central midfield- watched a long clearance fall to him 5 yards inside our half. He tracked the ball, looked back to the oppo goal, touched the ball into place and stroked a perfectly measured high volley over the keeper’s head, down onto the goal line , to bounce high into the net. General astonishment from players on both sides and an inappropriate but understandable, congratulatory handshake from the Ref. Goal of the Season and 2-0.
We were now playing some good stuff with Baby and Chef controlling and building play from the back using the ever eager Dilsy and the ever enigmatic Doyley on the left and Matt and John on the right hand side- the latter almost scoring with a cross that just skimmed the bar. Cookie and Dave were generally in control in the midfield and Tony had little to do. We might have done better from some well delivered corners from both Dave and Graham but the sense was we’d add to our tally before our lead was reduced. However it was to be 2-1 at the break. Oppo centre forward Matty had shown he could be a threat with his movement, pace and control and after we’d failed for once to use the ball properly and then clear it effectively Matty was able to receive the ball in the box and Chef having tried to chop him down pulled him back and conceded a clear penalty. Matty took it himself and scored well.
At half time Baby sought out the opposition to make appropriate apology for uncharacteristic violence for which he had been sin binned and the message was to get the next goal. Smudge was kept back to control the end game but Paul T and Dino continued in midfield for Doyley and Dave- both covering a lot of ground and making it difficult for Inter to keep possession.
We were indeed going to get the next goal but only after what could be seen as the game’s turning point. Matty was again manhandled by Chef in the box but this time aiming for top bins he hit his spot kick high and wide. Tony had made one excellent save blocking well in a one on one but he wouldn’t be troubled for the rest of the game and could look forward to treating his cold/bug with some post match Morrettis Perhaps it was only coincidence but after Dilsy left we ran away with the game- 3 goals in the last 20 minutes.
First Paul T, who had just steered a first time effort wide of the post latched onto the loose ball after a pass from Matt and finished without fuss. Next Mike, who’d had his own moment of uncontrolled ( and possibly unreasonable) aggression and also failed to convert as he ran in on goal unchallenged powered in a cross shot, (probably just a low hard cross) which deceived everyone, although Doyley claimed he almost got a heel on it, and found the far corner. After an initial show of exuberance Mike did manage to curb his celebration. Having got the first- and now with Smudge on to provide the Elder’s cameo – all 7 passes completed- Graham got our fifth. He received Paul T’s corner just outside the area on the right. He dropped his shoulder once- the nearer defender slipped over, he dropped his shoulder again and almost twisted an ankle, moved the ball out from his feet, looked up and drove the ball into the net- not quite, but close to, top bins.
A pleasing performance with a lot of decent football – with an amusing running commentary from Glen ( He’s a qualified Ref you know.) and with Tony claiming a clean sheet from open play and Chris continuing his recuperation with time running the Line. Well done all!
In the Bar. A very fine session- courtesy of birthday drinks from Roy and to celebrate Zidane’s birth, drinks too, from first time Grandad – John- the player formerly known as our youth policy. We look forward to seeing Graham’s new (he scoured websites for the cheapest option new Adidas boots – they’re white!!😂😂😂😂.
What they Said: ‘Matt! Take that box off your head!’ The ball screwed into touch. (At least Mike’s and Cookie’s headers went roughly in the right direction even though they were well off target.
‘Muggy little c**t!’ ‘Ryan would have scored that.’ Tim- on John’s cross that almost found the net.
Charlton Rangers – Home – 9/11/25
Score: 2-4
Team: Tony, Matt, Baby, Asbo, Simon, Tom C, Jon, Dave Ryan, Dino, Paul T Subs Smudger, Doyley, Chris, Dan
In a sentence: The oppo are like policeman, they all seem to be getting younger….
In a word: Gritty
After a two week break it was back to the Roan for a clash with Charlton Rangers who it was rumoured were going to field a youthful team.This was confirmed by a quick glance across the centre circle as both squads observed the traditional 1 minute silence for Armistice Sunday.
We lost Mike to illness on the morning, and Doyley turned up looking tired and complaining that cows had broken onto his land had kept him awake all night. The life of the landed gentry is not an easy one. It was great to have Chris back in the fold after his illness, though murmurings that he’d only made an appearance to collect the subs in Roy’s absence to benefit his retirement fund were perhaps harsh. He stepped up and ran the line with aplomb, which will help get him get match fit for the long season ahead. The game kicked off and it would seem that the break had left us unable to pass to a team mate which played nicely into the hands of the oppo who were fielding a 26 year old, 32 year old and several others who would be in danger of being asked for ID when buying a packet of fags. We soon found ourselves three down with one goal coming from a great assist by Tony who parried the ball into Tall Danny’s path for a tap in. He went on to claim a first half hat-trick.
After giving ourselves a steep hill to climb we tweaked the formation and Dan (who had arrived late on account of Ryan expecting him to use a crystal ball to ascertain where and when the game was being played) came on for Simon and the Tamps managed to start to play some better football with Ryan and Tom causing problems on either wing and Jon and Dave battling manfully in the middle of the park with their considerably younger opposite numbers. That said, we were lucky not to fall further behind, and only an (uncharacteristically) well timed challenge from Matt denying Charlton the chance to increase their lead. Dino was working hard up front, and surviving on scraps as despite having more of the play we struggled to create any clear cut chances. A stroke of genius was required to get us a foothold in the game, but we had to settle for a fluke. Some good linkup play found Ryan out on the right wing from where he swung in a ball that found it’s way over the keepers head and into the back of the onion bag. They all count, and we were happy to go into the break at 1-3.
Changes were made at half time with Dave coming off for Doyley and the game followed a similar pattern to the first with the Tamps having more possession and better use of the ball without really working the keeper. Dan pulled up with a calf injury early doors meaning a return to action for Doyley, and another change of formation with Matt and Baby at centre half and Simon and Tom at full back. Charlton still posed a danger, but were kept out with some great one-on-one saves by Tony to keep us in the game, that was until Baby managed to play a neat one two, smashing the ball against Tony when trying to clear with the ball falling kindly to Zach for an easy tap in to make it 1-4.
It was against the run of play, and unfair on the Tamps who’d battled well and who still refused to give up. Jon was his usual busy self in the middle of the park, and managed to upset the Charlton cemtre half when challenging robustly for the ball leaving him squealing that Jon had gone over the top. Shame. Utility man Asbo had played in three different positions and made way for Dave’s fresh(er) legs. There was late drama when Andy (the Charlton Manager) bought himself on for what he thought would be a gentle lap of honour, only to immediately give a penalty away when challenging a surprisingly sprightly Doyley who had got in front of his man and was arrowing into the box. A clear cut decision, accepted by most, but not Andy who remonstrated ‘vociferously’ and threateningly which amplified after Tim called him a stupid little man. Andy was again restrained by team mates and his unjustified rage showed in an unrepentant text or five that evening for good measure). Paul T stepped up to cooly despatch the penalty, giving the scoreline a more respectable sheen. 2-4, which given the disparity in the ages of the squads, wasn’t the worst scoreline.
What they said:
I’ll go if you want to! – Baby to Andy at the final whistle. He wisely declined.
Belvedere away 19/10/25
Score: 2-2 (Mike 2)
Team: Tony, Matt, Paul G, Dan (guest), Mick (guest), Jon, Podge, Dave Ryan, Mike, Doyley Subs: Simon, Tonksy
In a sentence: A draw not what we’d normally expect against Belvedere ( a direct quote from Tim, and he’d be right )
In a word: Battling
A trip to Belvedere is not one for the purist, as demonstrated by Podger’s ‘Can I change my mind ( about playing )’ when he found out where the fixture was. No you can’t, came the answer. The pitch was unsurprisingly still on a steep gradient, but now had the added bonus of being dryer than Gandhi’s flip flop with very little grass on it, which made the perfect excuse for Matt’s non existent first touch it difficult for the Tamps usual champagne football.
The first half started with the Tamps choosing to start the game facing up hill and they were soon to be looking down at their boots having conceded a goal in the first minute, when a corner wasn’t cleared and the ball was lashed home by a Belvedere midfielder. Not the start we were hoping for.
The Tamps huffed and puffed but couldn’t seem to get their game going, and fell further behind on 15 minutes when Russ, briefly of this parish but now playing up top for Belvedere rose unmarked to head home for 2-0. Had to be him. The smallest bloke on the pitch too. Some exclamations of ‘who the fuck was marking him?!?’ followed by the restart of the game. Belvedere had the chance to go further in front but thankfully Russ passed ( forward ) to his team mate when he was well placed to slot home for the third, and the ref blew for offside. Jon who had put in a shift in the engine room took a breather with ten minutes of the half to go with the evergreen Tonksy taking his place. The Tamps managed to stem the tide and started to grow into the game. The breakthrough came when Ryan won a header, which Mike controlled on his chest and then volleyed into the net over the keeper who he had spotted off his line. His celebration was deemed to be exuberant, but perhaps understandable given the pressure of the ‘we can’t lose to this mob’ chat prior to kick off. 1-2 at the break and game on.
Changes were made at half time with Little Dave who’d been industrious making way and Simon coming on at left back and Mick pushing into midfield. The Tamps started to control the game and Tony had little to do whilst uncharacteristically distributing the ball well and also dealing comfortably with the couple of chances that Belvedere managed to fashion. Dan and Paul G were starting to dominate at centre back giving little away and Simon was linking well with Mick on the left. This combination led to a chance, with Mick crossing the ball only for Mike to place his header wide when he could have perhaps done better. Podge and Tonksy were now marshalling the middle of the park and Belvedere were on the back foot. There was some nice play on the left hand side and Mick again crosses to Mike, who this time made no mistake, sweeping the ball with his left peg into the bottom right hand corner. 2-2 and the Tamps had a reward for all their improved play.
With 25 minutes to go Podge who was blowing out of his arse after making his ( long awaited ) return made way for Jon and Dave came on up front for Doyley, who’d battled well, but hadn’t notched his usual goal against Belvedere. He only flicked the ball to nobody in particular once, which was a welcome improvement.
The Tamps were having the better of the game, and Ryan was giving their left back nightmares, but we couldn’t quite force the winner.
A draw wasn’t the result we perhaps expected, but given we were 2-0 and fought back to a draw on a terrible surface can only be a positive.
In keeping with the rest of the ‘facilities’ on offer at Belvedere the bar was closed, so our intrepid heroes decamped to the Royal Standard in Nuxley village for a couple of pints, happy that we had put the last couple of results behind us.
What they said:
Let’s hope they put some windows in, it looks like a concentration camp – Tonksy on the upcoming refurbishments to the Belvedere club house.
Have you seen baby’s arse on Facebook? – Mike talking about the Titanicesque picture of baby on the front of a narrow boat, sans undercrackers.
I’m not going back to the club with Podge, that’s dangerous – Mike perhaps admitting that his will power might not be strong enough to stop him getting drawn into a prolonged drinking session…
Santos away 12/10/25
Score: 7-1
Team: Tony, Matt, Paul G, Baby, Simon, Tom, Dave, Paul T, Ryan, Doyely, Mike Subs Madi, GG, Jim Guest )
In word: Painful
In a sentence: Not our finest hour…
The feeling going into this game was that it would be tough game for the Tamps, with just the 13 players to pick from at kick off ( with Ryan’s mate Jim arriving later and Ryan himself somewhat hungover. ) and some of the youth team still unavailable for selection, and so it turned out to be.
The Santos team had a youthful look about it, which either means that at least half of them have regimented skincare routines allayed with good genes, or perhaps that many of them were under the age of 40. This had a bearing on the game, with the Tamps getting caught out on a regular basis by balls over the top which we struggled to deal with.
By half time we were 3-0 down, with it all to do in the second half. Changes were made with Jim, Madi and GG coming on for Doyley, Paul G and Ryan and the Tamps had the better of the opening 20 minutes of the second half, only to fall 4-0 behind to a sucker-punch goal. This seemed to knock the stuffing out of the Tamps, and another 3 goals were added to the tally in the next 20 minutes.
After the 7th had been put away by Santos, Jim was poised in the centre circle for the kick off, and proceeded to lob Erith Mick in the Santos goal with an audacious effort, which gave some late cheer to the otherwise deflated Tamps. We had created a few chances before this but weren’t clinical enough in front of goal. Graham had looked our most likely scorer but he managed only to find the underside of the bar from close range and only the keeper to beat- the ball bouncing to safety.
We didn’t play anywhere as well as we can, but a young Santos team are a tough nut to crack. With players returning to the fold in the coming weeks the next win is on the horizon.
What they said GG to Baby / Matt: No reflection on you, but we were all over the place ( he may have had a point ).
A fairly decent showing in the bar afterwards to drown our sorrows and Tim particularly demob happy as he was off to Italy the following day. Baby too, was happy to be getting away; off to the Broads we feared for the Norfolk wildlife.
Erith - 05/10/25
Score: 0 -1
Team: Tony, Matt, Paul G, Baby, Dilsy, Tom, Jon, Paul T, Dave, GG, Mike Subs Chef, Si, Doyley. ( Tonksy: unused.) Tim ( Ref.)
In a sentence: (Paul G’s words) Much improved on last time out against them.
A fairly tense affair from start to finish, both teams keeping the ball well, although Erith pushed harder in the first half creating more than we did. Newly crowned Player of the year, Tony, made some good saves against their very busy CF, who came out worse in a clash with Paul G and had to leave the pitch for a while .
As the first half wore one we started to press further up the pitch and applied pressure, resulting in corners and some half chances. 0-0 half time, fag paper between the sides .
The second half started much the same as the first half with Tamps the team starting on the front foot. Changes were made, GG off to the Palace get his OBE from the King , Doyley moved up top with Mike , and Chef into right midfield- not his preferred position and unfortunately this showed in a sulky and petulant performance when he’s capable of much better.
Then the goal to decide the game,Tamps on the front foot - Doyley receiving the ball with his back to goal inside Erith’s half, heard the call from Mike to his right and attempted the no look back heel. It was intercepted and to be fair - a really good pass through to the CF who finished it nicely giving Tony no chance though he almost got to it. The last twenty mins saw Tamps knocking on the door but with no answer.
Then the controversial moment. Erith Danny - the young one on the right who was now recovered from a fierce ball into his nether regions, was put through and took out Baby - savagely some might say. Erith celebrated, Tamps appealed. Tim took his time and made the right call. Cue rage from some in yellow and the remaining minutes played out with continuing moaning about the decision.
Three or four corners and balls on top of the defence and keeper just couldn’t break them down. Paul G had a couple of half chance headers in the first half and Mike had one late on that he might have done better with. With minutes to go another corner and a half clearance was anticipated by Paul T. His perfectly timed and directed flick volley looked as if it was providing the equaliser but the young spring heeled keeper was good enough to tip it out from under and over the crossbar. A draw would not have been undeserved.
Frustrations soon forgotten with the awards and pints - great to have everyone in the clubhouse together for a while (with The Squire present for the first time in a while) - with most of those present receiving at least one nomination in the 2024-5 End of Season Awards. Mike was able to find a match missing from the stats which just happened to be when he’d scored 4 of our 6 goals.
A special mention to Chris - was lovely to see him back and once all pleasantries were over, the usual banter applied once again.
We go again next week. What they said: Baby “F**king hell Doyley that’s shit!”
Tom, “Have I got aids today as no one is passing to me in space?” (Yes mate I heard it!)
Smudge “From what I saw it was all us.”
Gaffer 1 and gaffer 2 “Bear with us as it will all work itself out over the next few weeks and we shout at everyone.” Under new management!
Richard ( Erith manager) ‘Dreadful challenge! A Yellow card at least!’ - after providing treatment to his forward injured in the coming together with Paul G. Tim to Erith Linesman Clive. “Several young players there Clive. 3-4 in their 30s?” Clive: “It’s 501 total age though isn’t it?” “501- yes- but with all players 45 or over for Super Vets mate!”
Oppo: Avery Hill
Score 4-2
SCORERS: Mick, Dino, Doyley Tom(p)
Squad: Tony Matt Paul G Mick Ryan Jon Tom C Little Dave Madi Dino Doyley Mike Dan Simon Dilsy GG + Smudger (Sub for AH)
In a word: Competitive
In a sentence: A deserved win in the end.
Matt had a restless nights sleep, would all 17 turn up? 3 at the back or 4? The joys of management. Everyone did turn up, eventually, Dilsy getting there to play the last 20mins. 3 at the back was abandoned after 20mins when we found ourselves 0-2 behind, a flukey one from Grant and, a cracker from Ish – unfortunately Ish left the field 10mins later to be replaced by Smudger, AH only had 11 and Smudge volunteered to play for them. Was it the turning point? Probably not, Big Dave from Inter Vyagra helped out in goal and after having not made a save dropped 2 balls straight to Tamps forwards, Mick stabbed in the first and Dino the second, a combined yardage of 2. H/T and its 2-2. A lot of verbal in the 1st half mainly from Rob and Johnny from AH, Rob squared up to Paul G at one point but only words were traded rather than fists.
The 2nd half was mostly the Tamps on the front foot, due to the number of players we had there were numerous substitutions, both the new guys, Dan and Mick (Another one!) did well. The 3rd goal was a pen from Tom C, Mike who was giving Mad Dave a torrid time eventually forced him into a rash challenge, penalty! Tom beat the keeper with ease, Mike did have a contender for ‘miss of the season’ when failing to hit the target from 2 yards (A yard too far as he’s deadly from 1). Tamps still had time for a 4th when Doyley pounced on another Dave fumble to head home from 2 yards (Mike take note). Rob managed to get into another case of the verbals with Dilsy, not wise! In the end it looked a comftable win, Tony not having a shot to save in the 2nd half.
Onto next week and Erith, we owe them – its also awards week, can’t wait.
Things that were said:
Johnny – Get off you bald c..t, F..k off you fat c..t, Just fuck off You get the gist Just shut up Santa – Paul G to Rob Madi get back – Roy on numerous occasions
Erith. Away at Home. Tennis Court Pitch. 14.09.25.
1-5. (Steve A.)
Team: Moises, Steve A, Matt, Baby, Simon, Michael, Dave, Paul G, Doyley, Russ, Paul T, Madi, Tonksy, Smudger, Graham. (Tim: ‘Guest’ Ref.)
The Game: Pre-Season, at Jim and Lyndsey’s anniversary bash Richard, Erith’s manager had looked rather smug when asked if he had a good squad for 2025-26. His reply was to smile and say ‘Yes’- with no further elaboration, other than a telling twinkle.
There were many familiar faces in the Erith team but this was a Mixed Age squad and they proved too strong for the Tamps – especially in the first half- with usmissing some key players to injury, a charity game and warm weather training.
Matt’s planned starting XI had to be rejigged following a late drop out ( John) and late arrival ( Madi). Smudge’s WhatsApp assertion that ‘ we’d still have enough to beat Erith’ was too prove a little optimistic.
Erith had pace and numbers in midfield and they enjoyed plentiful and purposeful possession. Joe up front was to get two before half time giving Moises, guesting in goal, no chance, first beating the offside trap and then capitalising on a defensive error. Even with Paul T dropping back we were still being overrun in midfield and Erith grabbed another goal through a swift counter attack after we’d lost possession on the edge of their area.
Moises made a great diving save to palm away what seemed a certain goal bound effort but could only push out Evergreen Brian’s shot as another Erith long throw produced a further opportunity. Brian was quickest to the loose ball and gleefully smashed home his first goal since the last days of the Blair government. 4-0 down at half time and we’d barely threatened. Russ worked hard as target man and had some good interchanges with Michael on the right. Dave had worked tirelessly on the centre of the park and suffered several fouls as well as being dispossessed by some robust but fair challenges. We’d had some good delivery from corners but change was needed for the second half.
The new management secured this change with Paul G dropping into the centre of a 3 with Matt right and Baby left. Steve A was able to get into the game more going forward and we looked more competitive. Unfortunately Erith extended their lead as despite some great cover work by Simon the ball broke for Young Joe to complete his hat trick.
This was arguably against the run of play and we were the stronger side for the rest of the game. Steve A was able to latch on to Paul T’s diagonal ball, round the full back, beating the keeper from the narrowest of angles to cries of ‘ Van Basten’. (Some felt it was a cross that powered its way into the roof of the net…). Perhaps surprisingly it was when our older players: Smudge and Tonksy came on that we controlled the game more - with Graham also adding his skill (a fine back heel and a decent flick or two) and mobility.
The Erith keeper had more to do, forced to push a cross onto the bar and then react quickly when Madi just failed to chest the rebound over the line. Matt had a firm header that just missed the target but a free kick in a promising position and the ‘Big Men’ up was wasted with Dave shooting when a cross could have led to more.Smudge’s dummy and drag back saw the Erith midfielder surging some 10 yards past the ball and although it was a heavy defeat after a poor first 45 we’d given a much better account of ourselves in the second period. Last goal wins?
Post Match.
A decent turn out in the bar with laughter as we recalled Baby’s slip and full length backward fall . Avery Hill journey tried to find a £400 Smart Watch that was supposedly somewhere in the Clubhouse. (It was later found in the owner’s bag). Annnabelle helpfully said : ‘I’ll strip search everyone’. Graham made no comment but several men looked eager and ready.
Lads of the Village. Home. Tennis Courts Pitch 07.09.24
Team: Dangerous Dave, Dessie (both AH), Chef, Matt, Steve A, Paul T, Little Dave, Doyley, Ryan, Sharpie, Lee,
Subs: Tom E, John, Dino, Madi (guest),
In a word: Satisfying
In a sentence: Revenge is a dish best served cold
A lovely morning for football with the sun shining and we'd had a bit of rain in the week to soften the pitches to help with the Tamps 'silky' style of play. Matt stepped in as interim manager as the Gaffers were away on their holibobs. The responsibility was clearly weighing heavy on his shoulders and his arsehole seemed to be going like a catflap in the wind as he wrestled with picking a team from a squad comprising of two AH players ( Dessie and Dangerous Dave ), two new guest players ( Lee and Madi ) and an 'emotional' Dino. Matters weren't helped by a no-show from Mike and John getting stuck on the other side of the Blackwall Tunnel causing him to miss kick-off. It also dawned on us that ours and the oppositions kits were strikingly similar. Luckily Dessie rode to the rescue with the AH kit.
The first half started and it was evident that the all new back four needed to quickly find their rythm as Lads of the Village started quite strongly, bringing some solid defending which reduced Chef's workload. He did make a couple of smart stops to keep us all square. The midfield four of Dave, Dave, Dessie and Ryan took a foothold in the game and we created more chances to score at the other end, but sometimes overplayed it and looked for a pass when perhaps we could have pulled the trigger to test their 'keeper. Roy who was refereeing had to deal with several of their man-babies whining about not getting decisions, frequently repeating their protests until he suggested that if they didn't like it, they could fuck off. It was all sqaure at the break, with us having the best of the game so far.
The 'interim' Gaffer made changes at half time and Madi came on for his debut replacing Dessie on the left wing, Dino on for Doyley up front and John coming into the engine room for Dangerous Dave who'd put in a real shift. Fresh legs and the disparate band of players starting to gel found the Tamps starting to take a hold of the game, creating chances that needed to be taken if they were not to regret it by getting hit with a sucker punch.
The breakthrough came early in the second half when a lofted ball from right back found Sharpie, who brought it down and made for the penalty area. The defender had no way of stopping him other than trying to hitch a piggy back, and Dessie ( who had taken over the ref'ing from Roy at half time ) blew his whistle and pointed to the spot. A water break was taken, and on the resumption of play a nerveless Paul T desptached the ball high and handsome into the top of the net. 1-0 to the Tamps. The second goal wasn't far behind, and after good work on the right by Sharpie the ball was crossed low and hard where Dino was in the right place at the right time to tap home from close range for 2-0. The Tamps were looking comfortable, and further chages were made to get fresh legs on with Tom E coming in for Little Dave who'd had another great game. As ever when we seem to be in full control we conceded a goal in the 70th minute, which was well worked and taken though the Tamps defence had perhaps wandered too far forward in the search for a killer 3rd goal, leaving gaps that they exploited well. 2-1. The Tamps needn't have worried as good work down the left from Madi saw the ball being cut back to the onrushing Tom E who flicked it up and depsatched a crisp finish on the half volley to make it 3-1. The Tamps saw it through comfortably from that point, even with the four up top they'd deployed in desparation. A good win, with everyone playing their part. Special thanks to Dessie and Dangerous Dave for playing / supplying the kit and Roy for ref'ing and supplying the food..
In a word: profligate… A strong team, both in quality and numbers (sixteen!) – the usual late cry-offs being limited to Mike; already drinking to forget West Ham’s abysmal start to the season.
Tamps kicked off playing towards the main road – a blustery wind blowing across the pitch from their right hand side. This would become significant over the course of the game.
For the first 20 minutes Tamps were more than comfortable. Chances were made with quick passing, the best of which saw Sharpey running through in the inside right channel, and Jamie in Crofton’s goal making an excellent double stop. Crofton’s efforts were restricted to long range tries – Tony making a finger-tip save from an awkwardly bouncing shot from Ross on the right.
Corners were proving difficult to defend for both teams – the wind meaning no-one was sure how the ball would fly. Tamps had already gone close from one corner – Cookie heading over on that occasion, but a subsequent corner from Dave on the right was met by Chef for the lead.
Sharpey and Jamie continued their duel; Tamps forward again breaking through, twisting to make room for a shot, and the keeper again making a good save.
As usual, Tamps strong play inevitably began to wane – play became sloppy and Crofton were starting to stretch the defence on the back of wayward passing. Crofton equalised in the most bizarre fashion. The ball was given away in midfield, and Crofton’s Danny surged forward. At the edge of the penalty area he was met by Baby with a robust challenge – was it a penalty or just outside the box? Graham decided neither and waved play-on. Crofton had just started their complaints when Chef helpfully through the ball back to Graham. Unfortunately as he was not in goal Graham could do nothing but give a penalty. Chef made his case, stating that he’d heard a whistle – this turned out to be on the other pitch. Big Al smashed the kick high into the net – Tony’s valiant dive to naught.
Dino came on for Tom, with Doyley moving to the left-hand side of midfield. This almost immediately resulted in Tamps second goal.
Again winning a corner on the right, Dave this time found Dino at the near post, his header pinballing back off a defender onto his head and in. Jon replaced Dave in central midfield. The score remained 2-1 until half-time.
More changes at half-time – Tom replacing Doyley, and Crofton also making a number of changes. Crofton started playing more direct, but were reliant on long throws as their main point of attack. This was generally dealt with comfortably, and the second half settled into a similar pattern as the first – Tamps generally controlling the play without really making chances. Dillsy and Neil came head-to-head after the latter took a swipe at the formers ankles ‘There’s only one winner there…’ Smudge commented. Big Al replaced Jamie in goal for Crofton, and was soon picking the ball out the net – Sharpey’s constant running eventually getting the goal his play deserved. He was almost immediately replaced by Doyley. Podge senior replaced Baby – Tom almost made it 4, running onto a through ball, his lob over the keeper landed almost on the goal-line but somehow bounced over. Then, Crofton pulled a goal back. Another throw from the left of the box was allowed to bounce, and Danny ran across the face of goal before finding the corner of the net.
Baby came back on for Dillsy , and made the score 4-2, with an early contender for Goal Of The Season. A smart move down the right, with crisp one touch passing, a pull back to the edge of the box, Baby striding onto the ball to shoot powerfully in at the near post, Big Al going down in installments Crofton never looked like coming back, restricted to a couple of speculative efforts – one well-struck volley never close enough to bother Tony.
MoM: According to Roy – Chef. Chef unsurprisingly agreed
Things they said: ‘I heard a whistle…’ Chef makes his excuses
‘It wasn’t me, it wasn’t me…’ GG ensures no-one else makes a faux pas, making it clear he hadn’t blown.
‘Graham, water the fucking pitch…’ Podge Sr let’s out his frustration after Tom’s near-miss
In the bar: Diet Coke in plastic glasses. What is this club coming to..?
‘No…’ Avery Hill’s Des finds out that the Podger boys are in fact brothers Feast or famine - we’re already missing eight for next week…
The Game: As Charlton Rangers, ‘running scared’, pulled out of the previous Sunday’s game this was our opening fixture of the new season. It was an excellent performance by all.
Key features were the strength of both defences meaning clear goal scoring opportunities were rare, the unstinting long ball game by Avery Hill repeatedly bypassing their bemused ball playing midfielders, the repeated offsides by the oppo forwards particularly Angry Paul and the consistency, commitment and drive of every one of our players. The result was an impressive contest in which we were clearly the more constructive, creative and deserving side.
Each keeper made excellent saves in the first half. Tony was out quickly to block Paul as he surged into the area unattended. Tony also survived a ball almost bouncing over him into the goal.At the other end Sharpy drew a fine diving save from Danny to push his curling drive around the post. Russ went close for us and Steve H reffing blew for offside before Togsy put the ball In the net.
We opened the scoring with a good goal that characterised our general play. Avery had very little time on the ball and our pressing often won possession. When this happened again our build up play on the right found John free to put the perfect cross to the far post where the unmarked Cookie nodded home.Dave’s excellent corners and free kicks allowed us to threaten but we couldn’t get that second goal.1-0 at half time with Michael suffering a nasty shoulder injury. He was to bravely play on for the remainder of the game, still making important challenges.
We looked comfortable in defence Chef winning some strong headers, Baby reading the game well to intercept passes and Simon and Matt secure at full back and both getting forward frequently. Apart from dodgy dead ball clearances by Baby, one a potential 50th birthday present to Par who put his shot wide, we played well out of defence and made greater use of Cookie to develop our attacks.
Avery were becoming more of a threat as they made greater use of Jack on their right, we became more fatigued and their forwards were more careful about staying onside.
Their equaliser came when for once we didn’t clear our lines well. Paul was played in and was onside. He gave Tony no chance with a composed finish. He could also have scored sliding in at the far post narrowly failing to connect with Jack’s shot. Chef also had to make the defensive intervention of the day clearing the ball off the toes of the forward and also ensuring Matt didn’t notch an own goal.
Sharpy was frustrated having been kicked several times and his boot coming off when the Ref didn’t blow and we suffered further frustration as we pressed for a winner. Sharpy came close to setting Russ up after some good build up. Baby’s long pass freed Cookie to reach the byline and drive an excellent cross that beat the keeper but couldn’t find a forward. Cookie then had a fine shot pushed out by Danny but again the ball didn’t break for us. We had played well throughout and probably had deserved a winner.
‘I only touched the ball 3 times and one of those was a ricochet!’ Stuart not pleased with his team’s long ball game. ‘Cheat!’ ‘You put your flag up all the time!’ Josh obviously knows best from his right back slot. Thanks to Roy for channeling his inner Trump for a second term as Treasurer. Thanks to Chris for his work on this and best wishes for a speedy recovery and escape from hospital.
