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Season 2013 - 14 |
OTVFC v Erith
Sunday 11th May 2014
Venue: St Margarets Sports Ground, Chislehurst
Score: L 5 - 1
Scorers: Podge
This was, as they say, a funny old game. Tamps ran most of the game with around 70% possession and territory but, somehow, managed to lose the match soundly.
The game started promisingly, with Steve Lockett and Matt Podger bright in midfield and Good Graham making raids down the left hand side. Andy and Ainsley up front also saw a lot of the ball.
However, Erith always seemed capable of scoring goals on the counter-attack, and with Mark and Paul (‘Lobster’) as the forward pairing, they always looked dangerous. The first Erith goal came from a counter-attack which beat Roy in goal, followed by a header in the six yard box.
Tamps replied with a deflected goal just before half-time from a shot by Matt Podger, making it 2-1 after 45 minutes.
In the second half, Tamps resumed with even more territorial domination. Attacks down the wing led by Taj on the right and Jimmy Podger on the left caused many problems for the Erith defence but the chances didn’t lead to goals. Matt Podger headed just wide and Good Graham kicked the ball into the car park. If a chance had been taken it is likely that, at this stage, Tamps would have gone on to win the game. However, after the hour, a number of team changes seemed to hinder the momentum of the team rather than help it and Erith took the opportunity to launch a number of counter-attacks.
Mick, the Erith right-back, with youth and energy on his side was always causing problems in attack, and he scored a third goal for Erith by stealing the ball from Smudger in the Tamp’s penalty box. A fourth goal followed shortly after when the ball was handled and referee, Brian Hamer, awarded a penalty.
A fifth goal, driven past Chris, the second half volunteer keeper, by Erith’s Mark, completed the scoring in a rather strange game.
There was nothing left but to see out the game and go for a drink.
Team:
Roy
Jimbo Chris Smudger Taj
Micky DVD Stevie Podge sr Good Graham
Ainsley Andy
Sub: Wayne, Podge Jr
Venue: St Margarets Sports Ground, Chislehurst
Score: L 5 - 1
Scorers: Podge
This was, as they say, a funny old game. Tamps ran most of the game with around 70% possession and territory but, somehow, managed to lose the match soundly.
The game started promisingly, with Steve Lockett and Matt Podger bright in midfield and Good Graham making raids down the left hand side. Andy and Ainsley up front also saw a lot of the ball.
However, Erith always seemed capable of scoring goals on the counter-attack, and with Mark and Paul (‘Lobster’) as the forward pairing, they always looked dangerous. The first Erith goal came from a counter-attack which beat Roy in goal, followed by a header in the six yard box.
Tamps replied with a deflected goal just before half-time from a shot by Matt Podger, making it 2-1 after 45 minutes.
In the second half, Tamps resumed with even more territorial domination. Attacks down the wing led by Taj on the right and Jimmy Podger on the left caused many problems for the Erith defence but the chances didn’t lead to goals. Matt Podger headed just wide and Good Graham kicked the ball into the car park. If a chance had been taken it is likely that, at this stage, Tamps would have gone on to win the game. However, after the hour, a number of team changes seemed to hinder the momentum of the team rather than help it and Erith took the opportunity to launch a number of counter-attacks.
Mick, the Erith right-back, with youth and energy on his side was always causing problems in attack, and he scored a third goal for Erith by stealing the ball from Smudger in the Tamp’s penalty box. A fourth goal followed shortly after when the ball was handled and referee, Brian Hamer, awarded a penalty.
A fifth goal, driven past Chris, the second half volunteer keeper, by Erith’s Mark, completed the scoring in a rather strange game.
There was nothing left but to see out the game and go for a drink.
Team:
Roy
Jimbo Chris Smudger Taj
Micky DVD Stevie Podge sr Good Graham
Ainsley Andy
Sub: Wayne, Podge Jr
OTVFC v Avery Hill
Sunday 4th May 2014
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: L 2 - 0
Scorers:
Team:
Mark H
Jimbo Chris Smudger Taj
Mark D Stevie Podge sr Wayne
Good Graham Roy
Sub: Ainsley. Tonksy,
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: L 2 - 0
Scorers:
Team:
Mark H
Jimbo Chris Smudger Taj
Mark D Stevie Podge sr Wayne
Good Graham Roy
Sub: Ainsley. Tonksy,
OTVFC v Wickham Park
Sunday 27th April 2014
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: L 5 - 1?
Scorers: ?
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: L 5 - 1?
Scorers: ?
OTVFC v Young Vets
Sunday 20th April 2014
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: L 7 - 2
Scorers: Podge Jr, Smudger
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: L 7 - 2
Scorers: Podge Jr, Smudger
OTVFC v Inter the Valley
Sunday 13th April 2014
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: W 3 - 0
Scorers: Andy, Chris, Grandad,
Tamps put the SKIDS under Inter the Valley!!
As we lined up it became obvious that ITV had put together a mix and match side with the ages ranging from the 20’s to the 50’s , fortunately for the TAMPS we had managed to get the Podge brothers out on the same day and this enabled us to have one of our younger starting lineup’s (but we still gave away prob 15 years a man)
Due to the relative youthfulness of the oppo the game was fast and physical, Aggro did a great job keeping the match under control despite a few very rash challenges from ITV, Grandad and Andy upfront were taking the biggest batterings and at times Andy had to resort to a bit of the physical stuff himself (his usual mild mannered persona changed as soon as he put on the boots he had loaned from Roy!!). Tamps were creating all the chances and Steve Rogers in goal did not make a save in the first half, despite all the pressure we couldn’t get that initial break through, and the first half ended with DVD being on the receiving end of another rash challenge and Chris and Smudger having to resort to a bit of clattering of their own to try and even things up 0-0 at h/t.
The second half saw the Tamps still having most of the ball and again getting into some great positions without being able to finish them off, finally the goal came, another very good Tamps move saw the ball played out from the back to Podge jr whose cross was headed back across goal by Grandad and Andy finished it off with a thumping header. Then came the real controversy, played a long ball over the top and the speedy ITV forward was in a foot face with Roymond (playing at right back, but positioned at centre half??) as they entered the area the ITV forwards elbow caught Roymond in the chest, thus putting the ITV forward off balance and eventually to the floor, penalty…..no, Aggro was unable to see the incident clearly so didn’t give it, the ITV forward went mad, The Tamps played to the whistle and went up the other end where Grandad was tripped in the area and this time Aggro gave the spot kick……mayhem! ITV players were incensed and the game was in danager of getting out of control, Chris came forward and buried the spot kick (Grandad and Andy take note), thereafter the Tamps were in total control, the midfield of Taj, Podge sr, Tonksy and Podge jr were knocking the ball around nicely and with the back four of Roymond, Chris, Smudge and Mitch being untroubled the Tamps pushed on and were rewarded with a fine 3rd made by Podge jr’s lovely cross and finished with a great headed by Grandad.
A fine win for the Tamps in what was probably out best all round performance of the season, the ITV players did not take the defeat in good grace, and subjected Aggro to a lot of verbal after the game, I think it was their pride that had been dented, beaten by a team of ageing fools, who just happen to be half decent at footy!!
Team:
Rogers
Taj Chris Smudger Mitch
Roy Tonksy Podge sr Podge jr
Andy Grandad
Sub: DVD
PS: I don’t know what happened in Leeds a few weeks back but Tonksy has gone right off the boil!!
PPS: Roymond’s best game for a long while, although when I asked him to tuck in at right back I didn’t expect him to end up closer to Mitch at left back than both the centre backs!!
Congrats to Mark the Bike on his 4hrs 8mins London Marathon
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: W 3 - 0
Scorers: Andy, Chris, Grandad,
Tamps put the SKIDS under Inter the Valley!!
As we lined up it became obvious that ITV had put together a mix and match side with the ages ranging from the 20’s to the 50’s , fortunately for the TAMPS we had managed to get the Podge brothers out on the same day and this enabled us to have one of our younger starting lineup’s (but we still gave away prob 15 years a man)
Due to the relative youthfulness of the oppo the game was fast and physical, Aggro did a great job keeping the match under control despite a few very rash challenges from ITV, Grandad and Andy upfront were taking the biggest batterings and at times Andy had to resort to a bit of the physical stuff himself (his usual mild mannered persona changed as soon as he put on the boots he had loaned from Roy!!). Tamps were creating all the chances and Steve Rogers in goal did not make a save in the first half, despite all the pressure we couldn’t get that initial break through, and the first half ended with DVD being on the receiving end of another rash challenge and Chris and Smudger having to resort to a bit of clattering of their own to try and even things up 0-0 at h/t.
The second half saw the Tamps still having most of the ball and again getting into some great positions without being able to finish them off, finally the goal came, another very good Tamps move saw the ball played out from the back to Podge jr whose cross was headed back across goal by Grandad and Andy finished it off with a thumping header. Then came the real controversy, played a long ball over the top and the speedy ITV forward was in a foot face with Roymond (playing at right back, but positioned at centre half??) as they entered the area the ITV forwards elbow caught Roymond in the chest, thus putting the ITV forward off balance and eventually to the floor, penalty…..no, Aggro was unable to see the incident clearly so didn’t give it, the ITV forward went mad, The Tamps played to the whistle and went up the other end where Grandad was tripped in the area and this time Aggro gave the spot kick……mayhem! ITV players were incensed and the game was in danager of getting out of control, Chris came forward and buried the spot kick (Grandad and Andy take note), thereafter the Tamps were in total control, the midfield of Taj, Podge sr, Tonksy and Podge jr were knocking the ball around nicely and with the back four of Roymond, Chris, Smudge and Mitch being untroubled the Tamps pushed on and were rewarded with a fine 3rd made by Podge jr’s lovely cross and finished with a great headed by Grandad.
A fine win for the Tamps in what was probably out best all round performance of the season, the ITV players did not take the defeat in good grace, and subjected Aggro to a lot of verbal after the game, I think it was their pride that had been dented, beaten by a team of ageing fools, who just happen to be half decent at footy!!
Team:
Rogers
Taj Chris Smudger Mitch
Roy Tonksy Podge sr Podge jr
Andy Grandad
Sub: DVD
PS: I don’t know what happened in Leeds a few weeks back but Tonksy has gone right off the boil!!
PPS: Roymond’s best game for a long while, although when I asked him to tuck in at right back I didn’t expect him to end up closer to Mitch at left back than both the centre backs!!
Congrats to Mark the Bike on his 4hrs 8mins London Marathon
OTVFC v Inter Viagra
Sunday 6th April 2014
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: W 7-2
Scorers: Good Graham 4, some other people 3
Reporter: Good Graham, as dictated
Today was very good we played football we won I got 4 goals which was good but I should have got 5 goals but Podger got in my way and if Scholesy could cross properly I would have got 6 goals but he kicks the ball too hard my best goal was a volley with my right foot which was good and I also got one from a long way away but so did one of their men but Steve was in goal so that’s to be expected at half-time it was 6-1 to us I had scored 4 goals.
In the 2nd half I passed to Scholesy and he scored so it was 7-1 but when he tried to pass to me it was too far away because he kicks it too hard then the other team scored another goal so it was 7-2 to us which was good someone called Jimmy Rumplestiltskin which was funny.
I had to buy everyone a drink which wasn’t good but then we had chips and that was good.
(Ed note: Good Graham has now been sectioned but is still driving a train in south east London)
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: W 7-2
Scorers: Good Graham 4, some other people 3
Reporter: Good Graham, as dictated
Today was very good we played football we won I got 4 goals which was good but I should have got 5 goals but Podger got in my way and if Scholesy could cross properly I would have got 6 goals but he kicks the ball too hard my best goal was a volley with my right foot which was good and I also got one from a long way away but so did one of their men but Steve was in goal so that’s to be expected at half-time it was 6-1 to us I had scored 4 goals.
In the 2nd half I passed to Scholesy and he scored so it was 7-1 but when he tried to pass to me it was too far away because he kicks it too hard then the other team scored another goal so it was 7-2 to us which was good someone called Jimmy Rumplestiltskin which was funny.
I had to buy everyone a drink which wasn’t good but then we had chips and that was good.
(Ed note: Good Graham has now been sectioned but is still driving a train in south east London)
OTVFC v Crofton Albion
Sunday 30th March 2014
Venue: Weigal Road, Kidbrooke
Score: D 1 - 1
Scorers: Podge
Reporter: Podge
This game was so long ago I can just make all this up.
Probably the hottest day of the year saw the Tamps start with only 10 players, including Ainsley who really didn’t want to play anyway, Smudge’s standard Thursday-night statement of having 15 available being shown up for a lie [again]. [Bad] Graham took the slow ‘walk’ (recently likened to John Wayne after 6 days in the saddle) back to the club to get his kit. So we kicked off, hoping that more people would turn up as they realised that the clocks had gone forward. The very definition of a ‘forlorn hope’.
Despite starting with only 10, this was probably the best spell of the game (it is harder to play against, after all). The Tamps moved the ball around nicely, and a solid back 3 of Taj, Smudge and GG had little to do apart from start the next attack, with Toby Chris a spectator in goal. Roymund filled in at left wing-half (not forward, not back), but crucially became more befuddled as the thermometer rose. By half-time, with no more layers left to remove he was a spent force.
Graham eventually got on the pitch (only 25 minutes in!), and soon after Tamps took the lead. Good movement and passing saw Scholesy isolated once again against his full-back. The inevitable tap on the ankle saw the inevitable fall in the box. Luckily for Podge Crofton’s stand-in keeper couldn’t keep out the poorly struck penalty, despite getting a firm hand to the ball (they all count, Grandad).
Half-time arrived and it was clear that the Tamps were out on their feet. However, Crofton really had done nothing to threaten so we were confident that the win could be secured. Taj picked up an injury soon after and was forced to go in goal (yes you did let us all down, Taj!), wherein he pulled off one miraculous save to a ball going 3 yards wide! Midway through the half Crofton equalised, a throw in was flicked down the line and put through for the centre-forward (with the Sport Relief red hair) to score.
After that Tamps huffed and puffed, winning a series of corners which we did well to chip to the ‘keeper (every time). Late on a chance fell to Ainsley, who turned hither and back to bring about another good save.
Game done, with just enough time to head to the bar for bad Guinness and a DIY sandwich.
Team: Chris
Taj Smudger Good Graham Graham
Scholesy Tonksy Podge Roy
Ains Charlie
Venue: Weigal Road, Kidbrooke
Score: D 1 - 1
Scorers: Podge
Reporter: Podge
This game was so long ago I can just make all this up.
Probably the hottest day of the year saw the Tamps start with only 10 players, including Ainsley who really didn’t want to play anyway, Smudge’s standard Thursday-night statement of having 15 available being shown up for a lie [again]. [Bad] Graham took the slow ‘walk’ (recently likened to John Wayne after 6 days in the saddle) back to the club to get his kit. So we kicked off, hoping that more people would turn up as they realised that the clocks had gone forward. The very definition of a ‘forlorn hope’.
Despite starting with only 10, this was probably the best spell of the game (it is harder to play against, after all). The Tamps moved the ball around nicely, and a solid back 3 of Taj, Smudge and GG had little to do apart from start the next attack, with Toby Chris a spectator in goal. Roymund filled in at left wing-half (not forward, not back), but crucially became more befuddled as the thermometer rose. By half-time, with no more layers left to remove he was a spent force.
Graham eventually got on the pitch (only 25 minutes in!), and soon after Tamps took the lead. Good movement and passing saw Scholesy isolated once again against his full-back. The inevitable tap on the ankle saw the inevitable fall in the box. Luckily for Podge Crofton’s stand-in keeper couldn’t keep out the poorly struck penalty, despite getting a firm hand to the ball (they all count, Grandad).
Half-time arrived and it was clear that the Tamps were out on their feet. However, Crofton really had done nothing to threaten so we were confident that the win could be secured. Taj picked up an injury soon after and was forced to go in goal (yes you did let us all down, Taj!), wherein he pulled off one miraculous save to a ball going 3 yards wide! Midway through the half Crofton equalised, a throw in was flicked down the line and put through for the centre-forward (with the Sport Relief red hair) to score.
After that Tamps huffed and puffed, winning a series of corners which we did well to chip to the ‘keeper (every time). Late on a chance fell to Ainsley, who turned hither and back to bring about another good save.
Game done, with just enough time to head to the bar for bad Guinness and a DIY sandwich.
Team: Chris
Taj Smudger Good Graham Graham
Scholesy Tonksy Podge Roy
Ains Charlie
OTVFC v Wellcome
Sunday 23rd March 2014
Venue: Old Roan Playing fields
Score: W 4 - 1
Scorers: Andy, Taj, Scholesy, Tonks
Reporter: Smudger
On the Thursday it looked as if we were struggling to get more than 12 players out for the game against Wellcome, by Sunday morning we had 15 and we needed them. With a least 4 players carrying injuries and a keeper (a term used loosely to describe Mr Steve Rogers) who decided the bestway to prepare for the test ahead was to drink till the early hours of Sunday Morning!! We assembled a not too bad starting XI, but then proceeded to have what can only be describe as a mediocre team performance.
The Tamps started ok, but it soon became clear that the condition of the pitch (very bumpy) would not help the football we like to play, and a blustery wind would also cause problems. With the Wellcome defence playing very deep it meant we had a lot of the ball and our probing resulted in a free kick on the edge of the area, Andy lined the kick up and retreated a couple of yards for his run up, now most (in fact all) were wondering what he was thinking of, having seen him miss from the spot against Met Police the thought of him getting closer from double this distance seemed remote, he then proceeded to hit a free kick with pace, power and accuracy that flew into the top corner (envisage Gazza against Arsenal in 1991 FA Cup S/F) we were on our way. We then had the first of the many injuries we suffered, TVB in the act of passing, pulled up lame, at first many thought he had shed a shoe, but further examination revealed a strained fetlock, he left the
Pitch to be replaced by Mitch (himself struggling with a tight wallet….achilles, sustained in the walk from Kidbrooke station to the ground.) after this Taj made it
2-0 after some nice Tamps interplay, and Steve Rogers was called on to make a couple of saves (tips over the bar, no diving involved) Just before half time Scholesy made it 3-0 with a header from about 3 yards out when left unmarked at a corner. A strange half, we had not played particularly well but led comfortably. Mitch succumbed to his Achilles at the break and was joined by Smudger suffering from a shoulder injury brought on by overstretching to reach his beer on Saturday evening.
The second half was much the same as the first, the Tamps had a lot of the ball and gave away a lot of the ball, by now Wellcome had come to the conclusion it was not going to be their day when they hit the bar with a cracking 20 yarder from one of their midfield players, this was the third time that had hit the bar, but this effort was the only one worthy of note. Wellcome’s frustration led to them resorting to a few hefty and crude tackles, DVD a former member of Wellcome seemed to be the target of quite a few of these tackles, the oppo players being instructed from the sideline to ‘’hit him hard’’, ‘’get stuck into him’’ it only needed a cry of ‘’they don’t like it up ‘em’’ and I would have been looking around for Corporal Jones!! At this point it seemed a good time to end DVD’s participation and re-introduce (much to his disgust) Tonksy, who by his own admission was having a nightmare (weekly watching of Millwall finally seems to have got to him) he then proceeded to score our 4th of the day with a very well struck volley (tactical genius the bloke in charge of the Tamps!!) Wellcome got a consolation goal before the final whistle and Micky Smith managed to do his version of the Kirby kiss (more Kathy of Secret Love fame than the scouser nut on nut) when for some reason he ran full steam into one of the oppo, he came off second best and left the pitch. So final score 4-1, which didn’t play that well but still deserved the win.
The Gaffer was away yet again sunning himself in Lanzarote, nice to know our match fees are going to a good cause, it is our version of Sport Relief, the relief being we don’t have to pick the Gaffer!!
Team: The usual suspects
Venue: Old Roan Playing fields
Score: W 4 - 1
Scorers: Andy, Taj, Scholesy, Tonks
Reporter: Smudger
On the Thursday it looked as if we were struggling to get more than 12 players out for the game against Wellcome, by Sunday morning we had 15 and we needed them. With a least 4 players carrying injuries and a keeper (a term used loosely to describe Mr Steve Rogers) who decided the bestway to prepare for the test ahead was to drink till the early hours of Sunday Morning!! We assembled a not too bad starting XI, but then proceeded to have what can only be describe as a mediocre team performance.
The Tamps started ok, but it soon became clear that the condition of the pitch (very bumpy) would not help the football we like to play, and a blustery wind would also cause problems. With the Wellcome defence playing very deep it meant we had a lot of the ball and our probing resulted in a free kick on the edge of the area, Andy lined the kick up and retreated a couple of yards for his run up, now most (in fact all) were wondering what he was thinking of, having seen him miss from the spot against Met Police the thought of him getting closer from double this distance seemed remote, he then proceeded to hit a free kick with pace, power and accuracy that flew into the top corner (envisage Gazza against Arsenal in 1991 FA Cup S/F) we were on our way. We then had the first of the many injuries we suffered, TVB in the act of passing, pulled up lame, at first many thought he had shed a shoe, but further examination revealed a strained fetlock, he left the
Pitch to be replaced by Mitch (himself struggling with a tight wallet….achilles, sustained in the walk from Kidbrooke station to the ground.) after this Taj made it
2-0 after some nice Tamps interplay, and Steve Rogers was called on to make a couple of saves (tips over the bar, no diving involved) Just before half time Scholesy made it 3-0 with a header from about 3 yards out when left unmarked at a corner. A strange half, we had not played particularly well but led comfortably. Mitch succumbed to his Achilles at the break and was joined by Smudger suffering from a shoulder injury brought on by overstretching to reach his beer on Saturday evening.
The second half was much the same as the first, the Tamps had a lot of the ball and gave away a lot of the ball, by now Wellcome had come to the conclusion it was not going to be their day when they hit the bar with a cracking 20 yarder from one of their midfield players, this was the third time that had hit the bar, but this effort was the only one worthy of note. Wellcome’s frustration led to them resorting to a few hefty and crude tackles, DVD a former member of Wellcome seemed to be the target of quite a few of these tackles, the oppo players being instructed from the sideline to ‘’hit him hard’’, ‘’get stuck into him’’ it only needed a cry of ‘’they don’t like it up ‘em’’ and I would have been looking around for Corporal Jones!! At this point it seemed a good time to end DVD’s participation and re-introduce (much to his disgust) Tonksy, who by his own admission was having a nightmare (weekly watching of Millwall finally seems to have got to him) he then proceeded to score our 4th of the day with a very well struck volley (tactical genius the bloke in charge of the Tamps!!) Wellcome got a consolation goal before the final whistle and Micky Smith managed to do his version of the Kirby kiss (more Kathy of Secret Love fame than the scouser nut on nut) when for some reason he ran full steam into one of the oppo, he came off second best and left the pitch. So final score 4-1, which didn’t play that well but still deserved the win.
The Gaffer was away yet again sunning himself in Lanzarote, nice to know our match fees are going to a good cause, it is our version of Sport Relief, the relief being we don’t have to pick the Gaffer!!
Team: The usual suspects
OTVFC v Presidents XI
Sunday 16th March 2014
Venue: Old Roan Playing fields
Score: 1 - 1
Scorers: Scholesy
Reporter: Smudger
We took the field on a lovely morning to take on a side put together by the outgoing John Roan President, Andy Daniels. On paper it looked to be a pretty decent side, the set back being that a few of them had not put on their footy boots for a few years, nevertheless, somehow they took the lead when an aimless punt ended up at the feet of Richard Thomas, who lobbed the keeper (Andy doing a stint for the first half) from about 25 yards…..people playing and watching were aghast, as they knew that not only must it have been a fluke, but knowing Mr Thomas’s perchant for a story this distance by the time he left the bar would be 40 yards, after he had looked up, seen the keeper off his line, and then with a delicate chip beaten the keeper all ends up. After that incident the Presidents XI never troubled our keeper again.
The Tamps had lots of the ball, and played some decent footy, but had no cutting edge, and the highlights of the first session were to revolve around how many times Robin could rattle through a Tamps player (Grandad and Scholesy mainly) before Aggro decided to have a word…..the word never came, but the tackles did!! So 0-1 at half time.
The second half was very much the same as the first, with the Tamps having even more possession but not really testing Ian Daniels in goal, by now the Pres XI were getting very tired and only stout defending was keeping the Tamps at bay. Scholesy was having a field day on the right wing, dribbling like Stanley Matthew but crossing like Bernard…..Bootiful!! The Pres XI were now out on their feet and it seemed only a matter of time before the Tamps would get the break through they deserved, finally after a delightful move down the left, the ball reached Scholesy on the right side of the penalty box and he put the chance away nicely, the Tamps pressed for the winner and despite some fine prompting from DVD, Tonksy and Jim The cheese the game was drifting to a 1-1 result, but wait, Podge Sr then bursts into the box and is just about to receive a pass, when, bang, he is smashed in the back by Podge Jr, penalty cry the Tamps (and to be fair some Pres XI as well), Aggro has a think and then decides NO….Podge Sr does not disappoint and lets loose with a verbal volley that would have done a Millwall docker standing on the half way line at The Den (not new) proud!! As stated before the game drifted into an honourable draw.
Both teams repaired to the bar for some excellent food and drink and a few stayed long enough to watch the demolition of Man Utd by the mighty Liverpool
(sorry Roy).
Team: Andy
Jim Chris Smudger Tim
Taj DVD Tonksy Grandad
Roy Ains Scholesy
Subs: Mitch, Podge Sr, Mick S – The Gaffer and Podge Jr played for the Pres XI
Venue: Old Roan Playing fields
Score: 1 - 1
Scorers: Scholesy
Reporter: Smudger
We took the field on a lovely morning to take on a side put together by the outgoing John Roan President, Andy Daniels. On paper it looked to be a pretty decent side, the set back being that a few of them had not put on their footy boots for a few years, nevertheless, somehow they took the lead when an aimless punt ended up at the feet of Richard Thomas, who lobbed the keeper (Andy doing a stint for the first half) from about 25 yards…..people playing and watching were aghast, as they knew that not only must it have been a fluke, but knowing Mr Thomas’s perchant for a story this distance by the time he left the bar would be 40 yards, after he had looked up, seen the keeper off his line, and then with a delicate chip beaten the keeper all ends up. After that incident the Presidents XI never troubled our keeper again.
The Tamps had lots of the ball, and played some decent footy, but had no cutting edge, and the highlights of the first session were to revolve around how many times Robin could rattle through a Tamps player (Grandad and Scholesy mainly) before Aggro decided to have a word…..the word never came, but the tackles did!! So 0-1 at half time.
The second half was very much the same as the first, with the Tamps having even more possession but not really testing Ian Daniels in goal, by now the Pres XI were getting very tired and only stout defending was keeping the Tamps at bay. Scholesy was having a field day on the right wing, dribbling like Stanley Matthew but crossing like Bernard…..Bootiful!! The Pres XI were now out on their feet and it seemed only a matter of time before the Tamps would get the break through they deserved, finally after a delightful move down the left, the ball reached Scholesy on the right side of the penalty box and he put the chance away nicely, the Tamps pressed for the winner and despite some fine prompting from DVD, Tonksy and Jim The cheese the game was drifting to a 1-1 result, but wait, Podge Sr then bursts into the box and is just about to receive a pass, when, bang, he is smashed in the back by Podge Jr, penalty cry the Tamps (and to be fair some Pres XI as well), Aggro has a think and then decides NO….Podge Sr does not disappoint and lets loose with a verbal volley that would have done a Millwall docker standing on the half way line at The Den (not new) proud!! As stated before the game drifted into an honourable draw.
Both teams repaired to the bar for some excellent food and drink and a few stayed long enough to watch the demolition of Man Utd by the mighty Liverpool
(sorry Roy).
Team: Andy
Jim Chris Smudger Tim
Taj DVD Tonksy Grandad
Roy Ains Scholesy
Subs: Mitch, Podge Sr, Mick S – The Gaffer and Podge Jr played for the Pres XI
OTVFC v Sanco
Sunday 02nd March 2014
Venue: Griffin Sports, Dulwich Village
Score: W 3-0
Scorers: Grandad, Scholesy, Squeally
A stroll in the "Park"
by your favourite correspondent
Considering the price of real estate at todays locale, Griffin Sports ground really is a waste of space! The good burghers of Forest Hill, having decided to excavate the South Circular (to what end?) the game kicked off slightly late due to traffic being solid both ways.
They were digging in the wrong location!
The pitch was really a small archipelago in the midst of four swamps. Pensive faces all round in the Tamps, not least because we had a 'bare 12'. For some reason everyone looked a little grey this morning. Late nights all round or still recovering from the nightmare journey? "What the ****ing **** are we doing here?" some wag* was heard to exclaim.
Due to the lack of personnel, todays team picked itself, with Toby Chris drawing the short straw and going in goal. He spent the next twenty minutes trying to obtain gloves (as a driving instructor he does nothing without them; driving, washing up etc). Little did he know he'd just wasted his time! His statement that Roy had 'literally saved the day' by providing them was immediately picked up by our resident headmaster. A swift grammar lesson ensued, followed by a hundred lines.
The Tamps kicked off with a stiff breeze behind them. Our attempts at football being somewhat unsurprisingly hampered by the conditions, we bravely continued trying to pass our way to glory. Miraculously, on the whole this seemed to work! Add to this the surging runs of Grandad on the left of midfield, and we were well on top. It was only Smudger's insistence on playing in the boggiest part of our half that kept the opposition interested. Like any good General, he eventually realised that the 'Heavy Horse' should be nowhere near the soft ground.
About midway through the half, Tamps took the lead. Another burst by Grandad (or was it Scholesy) was ended illegally on the left side just outside the box. Lumpit lived up to his billing by rifling in a shot to the far post.
A slip by Smudge, just after the restart, left the centre-forward on goal. The well-worn shout of 'time' went unheeded; the shot barely staying in the ground.
Half-time arrived without further incident (Scholesy was offside at some point). We turned around, and the defence found that previously we had been at the shallow-end. Ainsley had literally 'ploughed a lonely furrow'!
Sanco expected big things when they kicked off, as they now had the benefit of the breeze. These failed to materialise, their only real chance coming when Podge went down in the quick-sand to let the forward in. The shot was well wide.
We were well on top now. Our midfield was ticking. The back-four was solid. And Roy and Scholesy up-top were turning their defence. Scholesy, spinning off a defender, was brought down. Penalty given, and all the practice at training with Mad Dave had paid off! Good Graham immediately became Bad Graham when his weak penalty was easily saved. Apparently, like Mesut Ozil, he's never taken one before.
This should have been a catalyst for Sanco to take the initiative. Far from it. Smudge won a header, Tim found Mick DVD in midfield, his turn and pass released Scholsey who finished calmly (for him anyway).
Sanco had had the wind taken out of their sails, and the next ten minutes was marked by some challenges that at best could be described as 'clumsy'. No matter. This was the Tamps best spell of the match. We passed our way round, through and back-again, one move going the whole length of the field from Chris in goal. Unfortunately Good [again] Graham's cross wasn't met by a forward. The move was just too swift!
A third goal duly arrived not long after. 'Hard and low' was the cry from Baby-Podge on the touchline. Roy duly obliged by floating a chip in the vague direction of the far-post. Scholesy's header brought to mind another sporting simile; Jim Furyk's swing famously being described as looking 'like an octopus falling out of a tree'. Squeally Lockett, like Martin Peters (he looks ten years older than he is) had ghosted in. Also; the luxury of a touch or two in the six yard box before tapping home.
Late on, Smudge made a covering tackle to stop any chance of a consolation. Chris had not made one save.
Job done. All that was left was the long drive home!
Team: Chris; Taj; Smudge; Podge; Tim; Good/Bad Grandad; Tonksy; DVD; Squeally; Ainsley; Scholsey; Sub - Roy
*guess who, and what exactly did they say? Answers on a postcard to G. Lawrance. You could win £100 of premium bonds.
Venue: Griffin Sports, Dulwich Village
Score: W 3-0
Scorers: Grandad, Scholesy, Squeally
A stroll in the "Park"
by your favourite correspondent
Considering the price of real estate at todays locale, Griffin Sports ground really is a waste of space! The good burghers of Forest Hill, having decided to excavate the South Circular (to what end?) the game kicked off slightly late due to traffic being solid both ways.
They were digging in the wrong location!
The pitch was really a small archipelago in the midst of four swamps. Pensive faces all round in the Tamps, not least because we had a 'bare 12'. For some reason everyone looked a little grey this morning. Late nights all round or still recovering from the nightmare journey? "What the ****ing **** are we doing here?" some wag* was heard to exclaim.
Due to the lack of personnel, todays team picked itself, with Toby Chris drawing the short straw and going in goal. He spent the next twenty minutes trying to obtain gloves (as a driving instructor he does nothing without them; driving, washing up etc). Little did he know he'd just wasted his time! His statement that Roy had 'literally saved the day' by providing them was immediately picked up by our resident headmaster. A swift grammar lesson ensued, followed by a hundred lines.
The Tamps kicked off with a stiff breeze behind them. Our attempts at football being somewhat unsurprisingly hampered by the conditions, we bravely continued trying to pass our way to glory. Miraculously, on the whole this seemed to work! Add to this the surging runs of Grandad on the left of midfield, and we were well on top. It was only Smudger's insistence on playing in the boggiest part of our half that kept the opposition interested. Like any good General, he eventually realised that the 'Heavy Horse' should be nowhere near the soft ground.
About midway through the half, Tamps took the lead. Another burst by Grandad (or was it Scholesy) was ended illegally on the left side just outside the box. Lumpit lived up to his billing by rifling in a shot to the far post.
A slip by Smudge, just after the restart, left the centre-forward on goal. The well-worn shout of 'time' went unheeded; the shot barely staying in the ground.
Half-time arrived without further incident (Scholesy was offside at some point). We turned around, and the defence found that previously we had been at the shallow-end. Ainsley had literally 'ploughed a lonely furrow'!
Sanco expected big things when they kicked off, as they now had the benefit of the breeze. These failed to materialise, their only real chance coming when Podge went down in the quick-sand to let the forward in. The shot was well wide.
We were well on top now. Our midfield was ticking. The back-four was solid. And Roy and Scholesy up-top were turning their defence. Scholesy, spinning off a defender, was brought down. Penalty given, and all the practice at training with Mad Dave had paid off! Good Graham immediately became Bad Graham when his weak penalty was easily saved. Apparently, like Mesut Ozil, he's never taken one before.
This should have been a catalyst for Sanco to take the initiative. Far from it. Smudge won a header, Tim found Mick DVD in midfield, his turn and pass released Scholsey who finished calmly (for him anyway).
Sanco had had the wind taken out of their sails, and the next ten minutes was marked by some challenges that at best could be described as 'clumsy'. No matter. This was the Tamps best spell of the match. We passed our way round, through and back-again, one move going the whole length of the field from Chris in goal. Unfortunately Good [again] Graham's cross wasn't met by a forward. The move was just too swift!
A third goal duly arrived not long after. 'Hard and low' was the cry from Baby-Podge on the touchline. Roy duly obliged by floating a chip in the vague direction of the far-post. Scholesy's header brought to mind another sporting simile; Jim Furyk's swing famously being described as looking 'like an octopus falling out of a tree'. Squeally Lockett, like Martin Peters (he looks ten years older than he is) had ghosted in. Also; the luxury of a touch or two in the six yard box before tapping home.
Late on, Smudge made a covering tackle to stop any chance of a consolation. Chris had not made one save.
Job done. All that was left was the long drive home!
Team: Chris; Taj; Smudge; Podge; Tim; Good/Bad Grandad; Tonksy; DVD; Squeally; Ainsley; Scholsey; Sub - Roy
*guess who, and what exactly did they say? Answers on a postcard to G. Lawrance. You could win £100 of premium bonds.
OTVFC v Met Police
Sunday 19th January 2014
Venue: The Warren, West Wickham
Score: D 1 - 1
Scorer: Andy
Match report: Chris from Toby
THE PROSPECT OF A GAME did not LOOK GOOD WITH FORECASTS OF HEAVY RAIN AND HIGH WINDS, BUT THIS did not STOP THE BRAVE, FOOLISH AND HARDY FROM GETTING TO THE WARREN - THE PROMISE OF A GOOD BAR AND FOOD BEING THE DRIVING FACTOR. I WAS WORRIED ENOUGH TO PHONE SMUDGER ON ROUTE IN CASE I WOULD NOT BE IN THE STARTING LINE UP AS RUNNING LATE, SMUDGER SAID ONLY 4 THERE WITH JIMMY FINISHING HIS COFFEE. ONCE IN THE CHANGING ROOM OUR NUMBERS SWELLED TO NINE WITH CRAIG AND FINCHY FROM THE YOUNG TAMPS AND THEN THE CAVALRY ARRIVED IN THE GIUSE OF GRANDAD AND MICKY SMITH, WE HAD 11 THE PERFECT NUMBER!. THE OPPOSITION ONLY HAD 10 AND ENQUIRED IF WE WOULD ALSO FIELD 10! SMUDGER QUICKLY DISMISSED THIS AS WE WANT TO WIN.
THE GAME STARTED WITH US FACING INTO THE FREEZING WIND AND RAIN WITH SMUDGER SOMEHOW PUTTING HIMSELF AT RIGHT MIDFIELD/WINGER WHERE HIS RENOWNED SPEED COULD BEST BE EMPLOYED (AND HE KEPT OUT OF THE MUD). EVEN WITH OPPOSITION AT 10 MEN (LARGERLY YOUNGER THAN US ) WE MANAGED TO PLAY SOME REASONBLE PASSING FOOTBALL USING THE EXTRA MAN EFFECTIVELY, THE DAY WAS MADE FOR BIG LUMPS, SLIDING TACKLES BRINGING BACK MEMORIES OF THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF 70's & 80's WHERE SUCH CONDITIONS WERE THE NORM AND PLAYED INTO THE SKILL SETS OF CERTAIN AGE OF FOOTBALLER, WHERE WE COULD SHOW THE YOUNGSTERS WHAT PROPER TACKLING IS AND THE NEAR LOST ART OF THE SLIDE TACKLE. THE HALF FINISHED 0-0 AND WE FELT HAPPY WITH THAT AS AGAINST THE WIND/RAIN AND YOUNGER SIDE WHO HAD NOW BECOME 11.
A BRIEF DISCUSSION AT HALF TIME TOOK PLACE AND WE GREED THAT WE NEEDED TO KEEP OUT OF THE MIDDLE AND USE THE WINGS, GOOD PLAN BUT did not REALLY HAPPEN AS THE CONDITIONS WORSENED THE BALL WAS FREQUENTLY GETTING STUCK IN THE MIDDLE , BUT WHEN WE DID WORK OUT TO WINGS WE MANAGED TO ATTACK WELL, ONE OF THESE MOVES EVENTUALLY RESULTED IN OUR GOAL SCORED BY ANDY. I AM NOT REALLY SURE HOW IT HAPPENED, MICKY DVD WON THE BALL IN THE CENTRE, FEED BALL TO I THINK MICKY SMITH AND THEN SMUDGER WAS INVOLVED WITH BALL INVITING JIMMY TO CURL A LEFT FOOT SHOT INTO THE FAR CORNER WHICH SOME HOW TURNED INTO A CROSS AND ANDY SLIDING/FALLING AT THE BACK POST TO GENTLY ENCOURAGED THE BALL OVER THE LINE, NOT ONE OF OUR BEST BUT THEY ALL COUNT. THE SECOND HALF CONTINUED WITH US HAVING THE MAJORITY OF THE PLAY AND SMUDGER SHOULD HAVE SCORED AT LEAST 1 IF NOT 2 , GRANDAD WENT ON A FEW RUNS AND WON A PENALTY WHICH ANDY MISSED CLAIMING THAT HIS STANDING FOOT SLIPPED! WE HAD PROBABLY ANOTHER 3 OR 4 HALF CHANCES WICH WERE NOT CONVERTED. THE OPPOSTION RARELY GOT INTO OUR HALF AND ON THE ODD OCCASION THEY THREATENED IT WAS SNUFFED OUT. WITH ONE PARTICULAR MEMORABLE MOMENT WHEN TIM WAS BEARING DOWN ON THE LAD CARRYING THE BALL WHO LET TIM HAVE IT DECIDING I THINK THAT WAS THE WISER THING TO DO. DESPITE OUR DOMINANCE THEY MANAGED TO SCORE WITH THEIR FORWARD RUNNING ONTO A BALL WHICH HAD AVOIDED THE MUD SECTION, WHICH MEANT MY SLIDING TACKLE did not CONECT AND HE THEN ROUNDED CRAIG AND SLIDE THE BALL IN THE NET 1-1. THE GAME CONTINUED IN THE SAME VEIN WITH US NOT ABLE TO SCORE BUT HAVING MOST OF THE BALL, GRANDAD STARTED TO REALLY ENJOY HIMSELF AND ONE RUN COMPLETED 3 NUTMEGS IN A ROW !. THE GAME FINISHED 1-1 AND IN REFLECTION A FAR RESULT.
THE BAR AND FOOD INDEED WAS GOOD AND THE BANTER EVEN BETTER.
CRAIG 8
JIMMY 7 CHRIS 7 FINCHY 7 TIM 7
SMUDGER 7 MICK(DVD) 8 MICKY .S 8 GRANDAD 7
AINSLEY 7 ANDY 7
Venue: The Warren, West Wickham
Score: D 1 - 1
Scorer: Andy
Match report: Chris from Toby
THE PROSPECT OF A GAME did not LOOK GOOD WITH FORECASTS OF HEAVY RAIN AND HIGH WINDS, BUT THIS did not STOP THE BRAVE, FOOLISH AND HARDY FROM GETTING TO THE WARREN - THE PROMISE OF A GOOD BAR AND FOOD BEING THE DRIVING FACTOR. I WAS WORRIED ENOUGH TO PHONE SMUDGER ON ROUTE IN CASE I WOULD NOT BE IN THE STARTING LINE UP AS RUNNING LATE, SMUDGER SAID ONLY 4 THERE WITH JIMMY FINISHING HIS COFFEE. ONCE IN THE CHANGING ROOM OUR NUMBERS SWELLED TO NINE WITH CRAIG AND FINCHY FROM THE YOUNG TAMPS AND THEN THE CAVALRY ARRIVED IN THE GIUSE OF GRANDAD AND MICKY SMITH, WE HAD 11 THE PERFECT NUMBER!. THE OPPOSITION ONLY HAD 10 AND ENQUIRED IF WE WOULD ALSO FIELD 10! SMUDGER QUICKLY DISMISSED THIS AS WE WANT TO WIN.
THE GAME STARTED WITH US FACING INTO THE FREEZING WIND AND RAIN WITH SMUDGER SOMEHOW PUTTING HIMSELF AT RIGHT MIDFIELD/WINGER WHERE HIS RENOWNED SPEED COULD BEST BE EMPLOYED (AND HE KEPT OUT OF THE MUD). EVEN WITH OPPOSITION AT 10 MEN (LARGERLY YOUNGER THAN US ) WE MANAGED TO PLAY SOME REASONBLE PASSING FOOTBALL USING THE EXTRA MAN EFFECTIVELY, THE DAY WAS MADE FOR BIG LUMPS, SLIDING TACKLES BRINGING BACK MEMORIES OF THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF 70's & 80's WHERE SUCH CONDITIONS WERE THE NORM AND PLAYED INTO THE SKILL SETS OF CERTAIN AGE OF FOOTBALLER, WHERE WE COULD SHOW THE YOUNGSTERS WHAT PROPER TACKLING IS AND THE NEAR LOST ART OF THE SLIDE TACKLE. THE HALF FINISHED 0-0 AND WE FELT HAPPY WITH THAT AS AGAINST THE WIND/RAIN AND YOUNGER SIDE WHO HAD NOW BECOME 11.
A BRIEF DISCUSSION AT HALF TIME TOOK PLACE AND WE GREED THAT WE NEEDED TO KEEP OUT OF THE MIDDLE AND USE THE WINGS, GOOD PLAN BUT did not REALLY HAPPEN AS THE CONDITIONS WORSENED THE BALL WAS FREQUENTLY GETTING STUCK IN THE MIDDLE , BUT WHEN WE DID WORK OUT TO WINGS WE MANAGED TO ATTACK WELL, ONE OF THESE MOVES EVENTUALLY RESULTED IN OUR GOAL SCORED BY ANDY. I AM NOT REALLY SURE HOW IT HAPPENED, MICKY DVD WON THE BALL IN THE CENTRE, FEED BALL TO I THINK MICKY SMITH AND THEN SMUDGER WAS INVOLVED WITH BALL INVITING JIMMY TO CURL A LEFT FOOT SHOT INTO THE FAR CORNER WHICH SOME HOW TURNED INTO A CROSS AND ANDY SLIDING/FALLING AT THE BACK POST TO GENTLY ENCOURAGED THE BALL OVER THE LINE, NOT ONE OF OUR BEST BUT THEY ALL COUNT. THE SECOND HALF CONTINUED WITH US HAVING THE MAJORITY OF THE PLAY AND SMUDGER SHOULD HAVE SCORED AT LEAST 1 IF NOT 2 , GRANDAD WENT ON A FEW RUNS AND WON A PENALTY WHICH ANDY MISSED CLAIMING THAT HIS STANDING FOOT SLIPPED! WE HAD PROBABLY ANOTHER 3 OR 4 HALF CHANCES WICH WERE NOT CONVERTED. THE OPPOSTION RARELY GOT INTO OUR HALF AND ON THE ODD OCCASION THEY THREATENED IT WAS SNUFFED OUT. WITH ONE PARTICULAR MEMORABLE MOMENT WHEN TIM WAS BEARING DOWN ON THE LAD CARRYING THE BALL WHO LET TIM HAVE IT DECIDING I THINK THAT WAS THE WISER THING TO DO. DESPITE OUR DOMINANCE THEY MANAGED TO SCORE WITH THEIR FORWARD RUNNING ONTO A BALL WHICH HAD AVOIDED THE MUD SECTION, WHICH MEANT MY SLIDING TACKLE did not CONECT AND HE THEN ROUNDED CRAIG AND SLIDE THE BALL IN THE NET 1-1. THE GAME CONTINUED IN THE SAME VEIN WITH US NOT ABLE TO SCORE BUT HAVING MOST OF THE BALL, GRANDAD STARTED TO REALLY ENJOY HIMSELF AND ONE RUN COMPLETED 3 NUTMEGS IN A ROW !. THE GAME FINISHED 1-1 AND IN REFLECTION A FAR RESULT.
THE BAR AND FOOD INDEED WAS GOOD AND THE BANTER EVEN BETTER.
CRAIG 8
JIMMY 7 CHRIS 7 FINCHY 7 TIM 7
SMUDGER 7 MICK(DVD) 8 MICKY .S 8 GRANDAD 7
AINSLEY 7 ANDY 7
OTVFC v Avery Hill
Sunday 12th January 2014
Venue: Samuel Montague Boys Club
Score: W 2 - 1
Scorer: Chris, Brian
Match report: Graham Lawrence
Venue: Samuel Montague Boys Club
Score: W 2 - 1
Scorer: Chris, Brian
Match report: Graham Lawrence
OTVFC v Orpington
Sunday 5th January 2014
Venue: Samuel Montague Boys Club
Score: W 5 - 0
Scorer: Good Graham 2, Scholesy 2, Andy
Match report: Graham Lawrence
Playing again on the all weather pitch, a much more well balanced side from the kick off produced some attractive flowing football. A solid defence of Tim Van B, Smudger, Chris and Matt Podge played the ball out of defence accurately thus getting our midfield into the game. Baby Podge, Mickey Pupett, Brian and Colin in midfield worked hard to close down the oppo and between them made sure that we stayed on top in this part of the pitch. Andy and Good Graham up front held up the ball well. There were some wonderful one touch moves especially up the left side of the pitch.One such move from deep inside our own half saw Andy go close.
Our dominance of the game was rewarded with a slick move down our right ended with Good Graham slamming the ball home from 15 yards, Shorthly another quick passing move found the ball coming to Andy's feet. Thinking that he might be offside he stopped to see if the linesmens flag was raised, seeing it was not he proceeded but was now confronted by two defenders and a goal keeper. Keeping his cool he casually clipped the ball into the corner of the net. Coolness personified.
2-0 at half time was a fair reflecyion of the game although it could have been 2-1 but for a tremendous save by Craig from a direct free kick from the edge of the area. The re-introduction of Mickey Smith and Scholesy re-invigorated the side for the second half. If anything the passing and movement was even better, many fine moves resulted in 3 more goals. A one two on the dedge of the area resulted in Good Graham bursting throgh to score from a tight angle. Scholesy then burst through two defenders to go one on one with the keeper and score with aplomb. He added anoth er goal for the final score line of 5-0.
The defence kept their concentration until the final whistle and a welcome clean sheet was achieved. There were too many excellent performances to give a MoM. This was esily the best performance of the season so far.
Team: Craig, Taj, Tim, Smudge, Podge (M), Chris, Podge( J), Brian, Micky P, Colin, Andy, Grandad, Mickey S
Venue: Samuel Montague Boys Club
Score: W 5 - 0
Scorer: Good Graham 2, Scholesy 2, Andy
Match report: Graham Lawrence
Playing again on the all weather pitch, a much more well balanced side from the kick off produced some attractive flowing football. A solid defence of Tim Van B, Smudger, Chris and Matt Podge played the ball out of defence accurately thus getting our midfield into the game. Baby Podge, Mickey Pupett, Brian and Colin in midfield worked hard to close down the oppo and between them made sure that we stayed on top in this part of the pitch. Andy and Good Graham up front held up the ball well. There were some wonderful one touch moves especially up the left side of the pitch.One such move from deep inside our own half saw Andy go close.
Our dominance of the game was rewarded with a slick move down our right ended with Good Graham slamming the ball home from 15 yards, Shorthly another quick passing move found the ball coming to Andy's feet. Thinking that he might be offside he stopped to see if the linesmens flag was raised, seeing it was not he proceeded but was now confronted by two defenders and a goal keeper. Keeping his cool he casually clipped the ball into the corner of the net. Coolness personified.
2-0 at half time was a fair reflecyion of the game although it could have been 2-1 but for a tremendous save by Craig from a direct free kick from the edge of the area. The re-introduction of Mickey Smith and Scholesy re-invigorated the side for the second half. If anything the passing and movement was even better, many fine moves resulted in 3 more goals. A one two on the dedge of the area resulted in Good Graham bursting throgh to score from a tight angle. Scholesy then burst through two defenders to go one on one with the keeper and score with aplomb. He added anoth er goal for the final score line of 5-0.
The defence kept their concentration until the final whistle and a welcome clean sheet was achieved. There were too many excellent performances to give a MoM. This was esily the best performance of the season so far.
Team: Craig, Taj, Tim, Smudge, Podge (M), Chris, Podge( J), Brian, Micky P, Colin, Andy, Grandad, Mickey S
OTVFC v Greenwich Challenge
Sunday 29th December 2013
Venue: Samuel Montague Boys Club
Score: L 3 - 1
Scorer: Taj
Match report: Graham Lawrence
A severely depleted squad was left for the boss to sort out. With no recognised middle of the midfield players available Taz and Grandad were asked to play there. The opppo's youngest (under 35) and fittest two players were up against them. The pair did brilliantly to contain these players for most of the game. Jimbo. Chris, Tim and Roy did their best to contain their lively forward line. Craig had an outstanding game controlling his area really well. He was asked to pull off a string of brave saves. Richard and Colin did their best to support Andy and Ainsley who were playing up front, but chances were few and far between. After great pressure Greenwich took the lead just before half time.
The second half was similar to the first. We had trouble stringing more than two passes together. Everybody though worked hard to stay in the game. Craig again making some wonder saves. The manager made the brave decision of removing the two forwards Andy and Ainsley with 20 minutes to go, replacing them with Roy and Richard and bring himsel on. For a while it looked klike a master strokes as Good Graham put Richard away down the left wing. Some how he got the ball back before it went off and put in a great cross for Taj who powered the ball into the net 1-1. This rejuvenated the team and for 5 minutes we were on top. But tiredness took over with 10 minutes to go despite more great saves Craig was beaten twice more.
3-1 was probably a fair reflection of the game. without Craig it could have been a lot worse. The makeshift side tried hard up to the final whistle. Man of the Match by a mile was Craig. Special mention needs to go to two people who rarely get a mention, namely Brian our ref, who had an excellent game, letting the game flow and being utterly fair to both sides. The other is Mark Hammond who has now run the line for the last four games even though he has a dodgy knee. I'm sure he only does it so he can get out of the house on a Sunday to have his Big Mac Breakfast.
Team: Craig, Taj, Jimbo, Tim, Chris, Grandad, Roy, Richard, Andy, Ainsley, Charlie, Colin, Graham
Venue: Samuel Montague Boys Club
Score: L 3 - 1
Scorer: Taj
Match report: Graham Lawrence
A severely depleted squad was left for the boss to sort out. With no recognised middle of the midfield players available Taz and Grandad were asked to play there. The opppo's youngest (under 35) and fittest two players were up against them. The pair did brilliantly to contain these players for most of the game. Jimbo. Chris, Tim and Roy did their best to contain their lively forward line. Craig had an outstanding game controlling his area really well. He was asked to pull off a string of brave saves. Richard and Colin did their best to support Andy and Ainsley who were playing up front, but chances were few and far between. After great pressure Greenwich took the lead just before half time.
The second half was similar to the first. We had trouble stringing more than two passes together. Everybody though worked hard to stay in the game. Craig again making some wonder saves. The manager made the brave decision of removing the two forwards Andy and Ainsley with 20 minutes to go, replacing them with Roy and Richard and bring himsel on. For a while it looked klike a master strokes as Good Graham put Richard away down the left wing. Some how he got the ball back before it went off and put in a great cross for Taj who powered the ball into the net 1-1. This rejuvenated the team and for 5 minutes we were on top. But tiredness took over with 10 minutes to go despite more great saves Craig was beaten twice more.
3-1 was probably a fair reflection of the game. without Craig it could have been a lot worse. The makeshift side tried hard up to the final whistle. Man of the Match by a mile was Craig. Special mention needs to go to two people who rarely get a mention, namely Brian our ref, who had an excellent game, letting the game flow and being utterly fair to both sides. The other is Mark Hammond who has now run the line for the last four games even though he has a dodgy knee. I'm sure he only does it so he can get out of the house on a Sunday to have his Big Mac Breakfast.
Team: Craig, Taj, Jimbo, Tim, Chris, Grandad, Roy, Richard, Andy, Ainsley, Charlie, Colin, Graham
OTVFC v West Farley
Sunday 22nd December 2013
Venue: Samuel Montague Boys Club
Score: D 1 - 1
Scorer: Andy
Match report: Graham Lawrence
Playing the team that last season beat us 7-1 and up against a much younger opposition the Tamps turned in a credible performance. Roy had to turn his hand to goal keeping as we lost the services of our stalwart keeper Mark. We had the services of Cee from the young vets and Josh who now plays for Avery Hill. Also back from a long absence was Richard.
Right from the kick off the team gelled really well. Chris and baby Podge looked really solid at the back. Steve Lockett, Brian and Mickey Smith marshalled the mid-field and were dominant in that area. Up front Andy and Richard linked well. On three occasions Richard had good attempts on goal. When he came on Josh made a nuisance of himself and disrupted the opposition.
Roy in goal was not really troubled until just before half time when a well timed shot found the back of the net. In the second half we wrer more dominant. Cee came on to bolster and already rock solid defence. Taj got forward more and more down the right. It felt only a matter of time before we scored. It was another great goal by Andy. Getting the ball on the edge of the net he bent the ball into the top corner. From then til the end of the game it was one way traffic but a winning goal could not be found.
Overallit was a really good game, played in great spirit by both sides. Wesy Farly were a credit for fair play and friendliness. Tamps played some great football. Man of the match was Baby Podge whose reading of the game was immaculate.
Players: Roy, Baby Podge, Taj, Graham G, Chris, Steve L, Micky S, Jimbo, Brian, Richard, Andy, Cee, Colin, Smudge and Tim
Venue: Samuel Montague Boys Club
Score: D 1 - 1
Scorer: Andy
Match report: Graham Lawrence
Playing the team that last season beat us 7-1 and up against a much younger opposition the Tamps turned in a credible performance. Roy had to turn his hand to goal keeping as we lost the services of our stalwart keeper Mark. We had the services of Cee from the young vets and Josh who now plays for Avery Hill. Also back from a long absence was Richard.
Right from the kick off the team gelled really well. Chris and baby Podge looked really solid at the back. Steve Lockett, Brian and Mickey Smith marshalled the mid-field and were dominant in that area. Up front Andy and Richard linked well. On three occasions Richard had good attempts on goal. When he came on Josh made a nuisance of himself and disrupted the opposition.
Roy in goal was not really troubled until just before half time when a well timed shot found the back of the net. In the second half we wrer more dominant. Cee came on to bolster and already rock solid defence. Taj got forward more and more down the right. It felt only a matter of time before we scored. It was another great goal by Andy. Getting the ball on the edge of the net he bent the ball into the top corner. From then til the end of the game it was one way traffic but a winning goal could not be found.
Overallit was a really good game, played in great spirit by both sides. Wesy Farly were a credit for fair play and friendliness. Tamps played some great football. Man of the match was Baby Podge whose reading of the game was immaculate.
Players: Roy, Baby Podge, Taj, Graham G, Chris, Steve L, Micky S, Jimbo, Brian, Richard, Andy, Cee, Colin, Smudge and Tim
OTVFC v Farnborough
Sunday 15th December 2013
Venue: Franborough
Score: L 3 - 1
Scorer: Andy
Match report: Graham Lawrence
As this is being written on the 13th January and the game was played on the 16th December this may not be a true reflection of the game. A bullet point bulletin of the game follows.
Mark
Jimbo Chris Smudge Tim
Taj MickeyDVD Stevie L Mark
Andy Ainsley
Sub: Roy, Scholesy, Podge
Venue: Franborough
Score: L 3 - 1
Scorer: Andy
Match report: Graham Lawrence
As this is being written on the 13th January and the game was played on the 16th December this may not be a true reflection of the game. A bullet point bulletin of the game follows.
- 15th minute, I turn up to a cold and damp Farnborough. 24 hours earlier I was in 29 degrees Barbados
- 16th minute, spoke to podge who was running the line, we were 1 - 0 up from an Andy goal, good control, skill and a clinical finish
- 22nd minute, Smudge makes tactical substitiution replacing Ainsley and Andy by Scholesy and Roy. Possession of ball is reduced
- 30th minute, Farnborough punt ball forward to a man 25 yards out. He lets fly and our returning from injury goalie Mark, can only palm the ball into his own net 1 - 1
- 32nd minute, another punt forward goes over the defences head. Mark comes off his line, but not quickly enough, the Farnborough forward gets to the ball first rounds Mark to put Farnborough 2 - 0 up
- 35th Mark has come off injured and Roy goes in goal until half time
- 46th minute, Chris goes in goal
- 55th minute, Biker Mark caught offside, kicks ball away in frustration injuring his leg
- 57th minute, Biker Mark comes off injured
- 60th minute, good move by Farnborough results in a well hit first time shot that rifles into the net 3 - 1
- 61 - 90 minutes, The heavy pitch takes it's toll. A lot of lose play from both sides means the game gets bogged down in the middle of the pitch. No good chances were created by either side.
- 3 - 1 scoreline was a fair reflection of the game
Mark
Jimbo Chris Smudge Tim
Taj MickeyDVD Stevie L Mark
Andy Ainsley
Sub: Roy, Scholesy, Podge
OTVFC v Charlton Rangers
Sunday 8th December 2013
Venue: UCL Sports ground, Chislehurst
Score: W 2 - 1
Scorer: Podge 2
Match report: Graham Lawrence
Tom Wells’ excellent new play “Jumpers for Goalposts” –focuses on the teammates of Barely Athletic playing in the Hull Gay 5 –a - side mini league against Man City, Tranny United and Lesbian Rovers. These are not our club’s usual opponents. However, the play’s themes of love and loss, compassion and possibility and the choice of optimism rather than despair rest comfortably with OTFC - even on this bleary eyed Sunday morning. The main theme of repeatedly missed but finally (and finely) taken opportunities fully describes the 2 -1 win over Charlton Rangers, easy victors earlier in the season.
In the aftermath of Jim’s 60th birthday celebrations at the upmarket Montrose Club this was a smaller than usual match day squad. Nutz was welcomed back to cover for injured Mark in goal. Ainsley, wisely, if cowardly, arriving late (yet again) was our solitary sub. Those who drank and danced the night away at the party (or with the in- laws in Smudge’s case) had hoped to see a fuller bench. Water bottles were eyed anxiously- unlike the night before liquid was now at a premium.
It appeared a challenging circumstance but the reptilian brain is there for a reason – providing protection when required. In general the Tamps held on to the ball, won it back easily when needed and passed it effectively. Domination came through the fear of pain and as a result of diminished capacity for exertion. There was an uncharacteristic collective focus on effectiveness rather than desperately unwanted effort. (There is always, however, one exception, this being provided by Roy’s repeated runs and tangos with the same defenders)
In due course a good goal arrived. Again the ball had been played on the ground patiently and an attacking position developed well. Defenders were beaten by the interplay and then by Andy’s skill, flair, pace(?) and vision: squared to Podge – right footed home. One- nil. It seemed easy.
Charlton Rangers had at the start, to drink befuzzled Tamps, seemed worryingly purposeful. In their dressing room they urgently exhorted each other “to remember to get an extra man on the front post.” On the pitch they engaged in a focussed and apparently meaningful collective warm up. Their striker had been given strict instructions: he was not to stray wide. Their midfield was packed but was not, however, providing link up play and effective service. Surely Tamps would build on the early goal?
Chances came and went, crosses were excellent. Graham’s the pick from the left and Mick’s brilliant after his skill had tricked the defender and almost himself. However thumping headers were avoided - perhaps due to thumping heads. Chris would normally do better (he couldn’t do much worse! Ed) whilst Scholsey’s misses were more characteristic. Nutz had little to do but we should have read the danger signs.
Nutz’s absence, ascribed to the start of his son’s playing career - actually results from his penchant for Morris Dancing. This little known fact became apparent to all as he flapped at corners; to start with the danger was cleared. Then, and mostly against the run of play Charlton were level. Not wanting to get in the way of a bevy of team mates, Tim let his man move off the ball into the six yard box. Here suffering from indecision and perhaps some indifference, normally steely and skilled defenders failed (and failed again) to clear. The forward miskicked with vigour, the ball’s vertical trajectory giving Nutz no chance. Remarkably there was no recrimination: clearly it had been an excellent party. “New” Podge sparked at Roy for old times’ sake but the familiar Tourettes outbursts were mysteriously absent.
1-1 at half time. Charlton continuing their strategic approach left the pitch planning to play two up, ready to build on their good fortune and smelling their opponents alcoholic sweat, to expose the Tamps’ apparent fragility and fatigue.
They should have scored next. Roy now at right back (in place of a bewildered TVB – see later) had clearly been confused by his spell on the left wing. Not so much wrong side as running the line he gamely tracked the surging forward as he broke into the area. Nutz made himself big but sometimes hankies and bells are not enough. The shot was well struck and the keeper beaten but perhaps luck favours the drunken: smashing the post the rebound tore along rather than over the line. Two subsequent threats were less significant and dealt with by strong Chris and later, well-positioned Nutz.
Tamps had most of the play with Good Graham further encouraged (He needs no encouragement.Ed.) by the downhill slope to run (and run and run) at the opposition. (Yes, he does go on and on and on and on and on and on and on......Ed.)
Ainsley, coming on at the start of the second half provided the showboating moment. Inspired by Bill Gardner’s early morning lift home he completed a sublime drag-back at the by-line, right foot and suggestively raised left eye –brow in perfect combination, so reminiscent of his lothario years at Avery Hill and leaving the defender standing. Another opportunity created but not taken.
Perhaps the keeper wasn’t worked enough and when he was beaten, a desperate defensive intervention deflected Ainsley’s shot onto the post.The majority of the game threatened the Charlton right. Scholesy supposedly in midfield now, was at his Militant best- extreme left-wing tendencies to the fore.
Eventually the right hand side was used-providing the winning goal. Roy and Mick linked up without fuss after the Charlton attack had again been easily dealt with. Mick drew opponents and moved the ball on. Tonks and Podge, as they had against Farnborough were dominant in midfield and once more carried the ball forward. Andy again received the ball in the box and with their right back playing all Tamps onside was not distracted by the hapless squeals to the contrary. He did enough just beating a man or two and selflessly setting up Podge for the second right footed goal of his career. Remarkable- any more of this and we will be able to reduce his Ritalin levels.
Andy’ reward for the two assists was to be substituted, Smudge deciding that two good goals were enough against worthy opponents and that Andy really was knackered - his condition constantly appearing so to the rest of us.
It could and should have been a bigger win, but the performance was good. Whilst a little piggy eyed Chris was rock like (in a good way) and Smudge as ever was imperious with and without the ball. Tim, after an extended rest was able to recover from the by line shimmy: it wasn’t just the physical exertion but also the disbelief and confusion of going past a defender for the first time this century. All gave their best and with the focus of desperate men. Even Roy only allowed his combative nature to get the better of him once, sportingly squaring up to one opponent to allow other forwards free use of the ball around our six yard box.
Yes, it was a good game played in good spirit and (come on everybody......) good beers and wine too. Not wholly watchable, satisfying or entertaining-but “Jumpers for Goalposts” certainly is-check it out: you’ll laugh and cry and remember why life can be so good: just like playing for the Tamps.
Marks
Those who played and partied: 10
Others: 8
P.S. Mr Lockett would like it to be known that his recent Sunday absences are part of his political protest against Amazon’s employment and taxpaying strategies.
Players
Nutz
Tim Chris Smudge Graham (Good)
Mick Tonks Podge Roy
Andy Scholsey
Sub: Ains
In the aftermath of Jim’s 60th birthday celebrations at the upmarket Montrose Club this was a smaller than usual match day squad. Nutz was welcomed back to cover for injured Mark in goal. Ainsley, wisely, if cowardly, arriving late (yet again) was our solitary sub. Those who drank and danced the night away at the party (or with the in- laws in Smudge’s case) had hoped to see a fuller bench. Water bottles were eyed anxiously- unlike the night before liquid was now at a premium.
It appeared a challenging circumstance but the reptilian brain is there for a reason – providing protection when required. In general the Tamps held on to the ball, won it back easily when needed and passed it effectively. Domination came through the fear of pain and as a result of diminished capacity for exertion. There was an uncharacteristic collective focus on effectiveness rather than desperately unwanted effort. (There is always, however, one exception, this being provided by Roy’s repeated runs and tangos with the same defenders)
In due course a good goal arrived. Again the ball had been played on the ground patiently and an attacking position developed well. Defenders were beaten by the interplay and then by Andy’s skill, flair, pace(?) and vision: squared to Podge – right footed home. One- nil. It seemed easy.
Charlton Rangers had at the start, to drink befuzzled Tamps, seemed worryingly purposeful. In their dressing room they urgently exhorted each other “to remember to get an extra man on the front post.” On the pitch they engaged in a focussed and apparently meaningful collective warm up. Their striker had been given strict instructions: he was not to stray wide. Their midfield was packed but was not, however, providing link up play and effective service. Surely Tamps would build on the early goal?
Chances came and went, crosses were excellent. Graham’s the pick from the left and Mick’s brilliant after his skill had tricked the defender and almost himself. However thumping headers were avoided - perhaps due to thumping heads. Chris would normally do better (he couldn’t do much worse! Ed) whilst Scholsey’s misses were more characteristic. Nutz had little to do but we should have read the danger signs.
Nutz’s absence, ascribed to the start of his son’s playing career - actually results from his penchant for Morris Dancing. This little known fact became apparent to all as he flapped at corners; to start with the danger was cleared. Then, and mostly against the run of play Charlton were level. Not wanting to get in the way of a bevy of team mates, Tim let his man move off the ball into the six yard box. Here suffering from indecision and perhaps some indifference, normally steely and skilled defenders failed (and failed again) to clear. The forward miskicked with vigour, the ball’s vertical trajectory giving Nutz no chance. Remarkably there was no recrimination: clearly it had been an excellent party. “New” Podge sparked at Roy for old times’ sake but the familiar Tourettes outbursts were mysteriously absent.
1-1 at half time. Charlton continuing their strategic approach left the pitch planning to play two up, ready to build on their good fortune and smelling their opponents alcoholic sweat, to expose the Tamps’ apparent fragility and fatigue.
They should have scored next. Roy now at right back (in place of a bewildered TVB – see later) had clearly been confused by his spell on the left wing. Not so much wrong side as running the line he gamely tracked the surging forward as he broke into the area. Nutz made himself big but sometimes hankies and bells are not enough. The shot was well struck and the keeper beaten but perhaps luck favours the drunken: smashing the post the rebound tore along rather than over the line. Two subsequent threats were less significant and dealt with by strong Chris and later, well-positioned Nutz.
Tamps had most of the play with Good Graham further encouraged (He needs no encouragement.Ed.) by the downhill slope to run (and run and run) at the opposition. (Yes, he does go on and on and on and on and on and on and on......Ed.)
Ainsley, coming on at the start of the second half provided the showboating moment. Inspired by Bill Gardner’s early morning lift home he completed a sublime drag-back at the by-line, right foot and suggestively raised left eye –brow in perfect combination, so reminiscent of his lothario years at Avery Hill and leaving the defender standing. Another opportunity created but not taken.
Perhaps the keeper wasn’t worked enough and when he was beaten, a desperate defensive intervention deflected Ainsley’s shot onto the post.The majority of the game threatened the Charlton right. Scholesy supposedly in midfield now, was at his Militant best- extreme left-wing tendencies to the fore.
Eventually the right hand side was used-providing the winning goal. Roy and Mick linked up without fuss after the Charlton attack had again been easily dealt with. Mick drew opponents and moved the ball on. Tonks and Podge, as they had against Farnborough were dominant in midfield and once more carried the ball forward. Andy again received the ball in the box and with their right back playing all Tamps onside was not distracted by the hapless squeals to the contrary. He did enough just beating a man or two and selflessly setting up Podge for the second right footed goal of his career. Remarkable- any more of this and we will be able to reduce his Ritalin levels.
Andy’ reward for the two assists was to be substituted, Smudge deciding that two good goals were enough against worthy opponents and that Andy really was knackered - his condition constantly appearing so to the rest of us.
It could and should have been a bigger win, but the performance was good. Whilst a little piggy eyed Chris was rock like (in a good way) and Smudge as ever was imperious with and without the ball. Tim, after an extended rest was able to recover from the by line shimmy: it wasn’t just the physical exertion but also the disbelief and confusion of going past a defender for the first time this century. All gave their best and with the focus of desperate men. Even Roy only allowed his combative nature to get the better of him once, sportingly squaring up to one opponent to allow other forwards free use of the ball around our six yard box.
Yes, it was a good game played in good spirit and (come on everybody......) good beers and wine too. Not wholly watchable, satisfying or entertaining-but “Jumpers for Goalposts” certainly is-check it out: you’ll laugh and cry and remember why life can be so good: just like playing for the Tamps.
Marks
Those who played and partied: 10
Others: 8
P.S. Mr Lockett would like it to be known that his recent Sunday absences are part of his political protest against Amazon’s employment and taxpaying strategies.
Players
Nutz
Tim Chris Smudge Graham (Good)
Mick Tonks Podge Roy
Andy Scholsey
Sub: Ains
OTVFC v Farnborough
Sunday 1st December 2013
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: D 2 - 2
Scorer: Scholesy, Podge Snr
Match report: Tim Davies
Deciding that an intriguing context had run its course Mr Soccer , guardian of all significant football values, called on the excellent (Smudge said I should write that too) referee, custodian of a fast flowing game, to end the contest that saw OTFC secure a draw. Having been generally out played in the first half a strange combination of factors enabled the Tamps to level having turned around 2-0 down. Substitutions, positional changes, injuries, the cumulative impact of repeated fouls (Mr Soccer again –only he can do that too) and fatigue led to the two Tamps goals: one forgettable and unworthy of mention and the equaliser absolutely top drawer.
After Lord Smith of Levesham had left at half time making stately progress to signal the noon start of the Mid Kent Hunt (before luncheon at Hampton Court) and Mick the Pirate had rushed to unleash his team of DVD sellers on the streets of Camden and Islington, Podge and Tonks combined in central mid field. Having been “Not So” at left back “Good” Graham - now deserving that sobriquet - moved into central defence. Suddenly Tamps not only kept possession but used the ball with good effect-to give a strong second half performance-in stark contrast to the first 45minutes’ ineptitude.
Before half time, desperate to impress against his former team mates only Andy’s shot discomforted the Farnborough keeper: he wasn’t sure if it would reach him. Seeing things that others can’t (a result of highly effective laser surgery) Ainsley’s delicate through ball could have unlocked a strong, organised and vocally assertive defence. However, no other Tamp moved.
As the first period played out Farnborough perhaps deserved more than two well taken goals with Mr Soccer lucky to stay on the pitch. His rugby tackle, having been outplayed and outpaced, merited a straight red; a series of trips and hacks could have earned two yellows. The referee showed characteristic compassion though-perhaps prompted by the thought that Farnborough looked as if they could (in the first half) score 4 or 5 against 11 men let alone against 10. Later Mr Soccer revealed his uncharacteristic rough house approach – adopted under Lord Smith of Levesham’s sage instruction was premeditated and tactical: intended to nullify the threats from main play makers and top goal scorer.
Mr Kung Fu our keeper-not in his regular position (and more sex than save machine)- had done well enough but accepted some responsibility for the second goal. Having failed to fully clear danger when another opportunity to do so arose he passed to Jim who was exchanging pleasantries with two forwards regarding his imminent 60th birthday celebrations. (Earlier Jim had claimed that there should be no free kick as his victim was twice his size (...who isn’t?...))
Farnborough took possession and seemingly control of the game curling the ball into our unprotected net. Mr Kung Fu’s horizontal leap was more likely to have been a prescient reference to Tom Daley’s You Tube announcement of gay love than an attempt to direct the ball to safety.
Earlier free kick fragility –with several Tamps standing still, led to unchallenged combining headers, the second diving effort opening the scoring.
At half time 3 players returned from injury, infection and the idle accumulation of wealth through the exploitation of the less fortunate ( “Property is theft.” Proudhon ): two to attacking midfield positions and one to the coveted left back slot. Few anticipated the Tamp’s improvement and transformation of fortunes.
Mark The Bike did not see enough of the ball but as ever ran ceaselessly and broke up play repeatedly to set up further Tamps attacks. Scholsey showed his true worth on the right touch line when seeing the keeper out of position, his long range “strike” on an open goal skewed to the corner flag.(Some tekkers are bad...) He had however opened the Tamps account having been set up for a miskicked tap in following strong team play. TVB returning to defence was pleased to see a similarly thoughtful and tactical (i.e. immobile) heavy weight opponent. Farnborough still linked well – creating opportunities but not with the frequency or quality of the first half.
The defensive moment of the game delayed a Tamps second: a remarkable clearance, (you’ll believe a middle aged (he is only 56...allegedly) man can fly!) to save a stranded keeper’s blushes. Then the goal of the game. After seemingly endless (yes they go on and on and on Ed) surges by Good Graham and sustained good on the ground interplay from back to front, the ball was worked to Tonks on the right hand side. He provided a perfect ball, also showing significant skill in securing the space to cross. Podge surging from his own half (“From behind our goal!!!” Podge) timed his line dancing learned acrobatic leap impeccably and powered an unstoppable header into the roof of the net – home to all 4 goals – to complete an unlikely comeback.
In due course Mr Soccer‘s command signalled that the game would close as a draw: OTFC had bossed the second half but did not deserve a win: vraiment un jeu de deux demis.
We look forward to the return against excellent opponents and this author hopes to be marking the 74 year old expected to play on the 15th.
Marks
Jim: #60 (Years young)
First Half: 7/10
Second Half: 9.5/10
Graham: 0-7 (Guesting for Erith against Avery Hill)
Steve: -5 (Shopping)
P.S. It was a well taken and important goal Scholsey – carefully placed and getting us back in a very good game.
Gentleman and Players
Roy
Jim Smudge Podge Graham
Taj Tonks Mick Lord Smith
Andy Ains
Subs: Scholsey, Mark, Tim
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: D 2 - 2
Scorer: Scholesy, Podge Snr
Match report: Tim Davies
Deciding that an intriguing context had run its course Mr Soccer , guardian of all significant football values, called on the excellent (Smudge said I should write that too) referee, custodian of a fast flowing game, to end the contest that saw OTFC secure a draw. Having been generally out played in the first half a strange combination of factors enabled the Tamps to level having turned around 2-0 down. Substitutions, positional changes, injuries, the cumulative impact of repeated fouls (Mr Soccer again –only he can do that too) and fatigue led to the two Tamps goals: one forgettable and unworthy of mention and the equaliser absolutely top drawer.
After Lord Smith of Levesham had left at half time making stately progress to signal the noon start of the Mid Kent Hunt (before luncheon at Hampton Court) and Mick the Pirate had rushed to unleash his team of DVD sellers on the streets of Camden and Islington, Podge and Tonks combined in central mid field. Having been “Not So” at left back “Good” Graham - now deserving that sobriquet - moved into central defence. Suddenly Tamps not only kept possession but used the ball with good effect-to give a strong second half performance-in stark contrast to the first 45minutes’ ineptitude.
Before half time, desperate to impress against his former team mates only Andy’s shot discomforted the Farnborough keeper: he wasn’t sure if it would reach him. Seeing things that others can’t (a result of highly effective laser surgery) Ainsley’s delicate through ball could have unlocked a strong, organised and vocally assertive defence. However, no other Tamp moved.
As the first period played out Farnborough perhaps deserved more than two well taken goals with Mr Soccer lucky to stay on the pitch. His rugby tackle, having been outplayed and outpaced, merited a straight red; a series of trips and hacks could have earned two yellows. The referee showed characteristic compassion though-perhaps prompted by the thought that Farnborough looked as if they could (in the first half) score 4 or 5 against 11 men let alone against 10. Later Mr Soccer revealed his uncharacteristic rough house approach – adopted under Lord Smith of Levesham’s sage instruction was premeditated and tactical: intended to nullify the threats from main play makers and top goal scorer.
Mr Kung Fu our keeper-not in his regular position (and more sex than save machine)- had done well enough but accepted some responsibility for the second goal. Having failed to fully clear danger when another opportunity to do so arose he passed to Jim who was exchanging pleasantries with two forwards regarding his imminent 60th birthday celebrations. (Earlier Jim had claimed that there should be no free kick as his victim was twice his size (...who isn’t?...))
Farnborough took possession and seemingly control of the game curling the ball into our unprotected net. Mr Kung Fu’s horizontal leap was more likely to have been a prescient reference to Tom Daley’s You Tube announcement of gay love than an attempt to direct the ball to safety.
Earlier free kick fragility –with several Tamps standing still, led to unchallenged combining headers, the second diving effort opening the scoring.
At half time 3 players returned from injury, infection and the idle accumulation of wealth through the exploitation of the less fortunate ( “Property is theft.” Proudhon ): two to attacking midfield positions and one to the coveted left back slot. Few anticipated the Tamp’s improvement and transformation of fortunes.
Mark The Bike did not see enough of the ball but as ever ran ceaselessly and broke up play repeatedly to set up further Tamps attacks. Scholsey showed his true worth on the right touch line when seeing the keeper out of position, his long range “strike” on an open goal skewed to the corner flag.(Some tekkers are bad...) He had however opened the Tamps account having been set up for a miskicked tap in following strong team play. TVB returning to defence was pleased to see a similarly thoughtful and tactical (i.e. immobile) heavy weight opponent. Farnborough still linked well – creating opportunities but not with the frequency or quality of the first half.
The defensive moment of the game delayed a Tamps second: a remarkable clearance, (you’ll believe a middle aged (he is only 56...allegedly) man can fly!) to save a stranded keeper’s blushes. Then the goal of the game. After seemingly endless (yes they go on and on and on Ed) surges by Good Graham and sustained good on the ground interplay from back to front, the ball was worked to Tonks on the right hand side. He provided a perfect ball, also showing significant skill in securing the space to cross. Podge surging from his own half (“From behind our goal!!!” Podge) timed his line dancing learned acrobatic leap impeccably and powered an unstoppable header into the roof of the net – home to all 4 goals – to complete an unlikely comeback.
In due course Mr Soccer‘s command signalled that the game would close as a draw: OTFC had bossed the second half but did not deserve a win: vraiment un jeu de deux demis.
We look forward to the return against excellent opponents and this author hopes to be marking the 74 year old expected to play on the 15th.
Marks
Jim: #60 (Years young)
First Half: 7/10
Second Half: 9.5/10
Graham: 0-7 (Guesting for Erith against Avery Hill)
Steve: -5 (Shopping)
P.S. It was a well taken and important goal Scholsey – carefully placed and getting us back in a very good game.
Gentleman and Players
Roy
Jim Smudge Podge Graham
Taj Tonks Mick Lord Smith
Andy Ains
Subs: Scholsey, Mark, Tim
OTVFC v OTVFC
Sunday 24th November 2013
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: L 5 - 2
Scorer: Podge (Minor), Ainsley 3, Roy, Andy, Mickey Smith
Match report: Alf Garnett
During our 'Curry night' (kindly organised by Jimbo & Lindsay) our esteemed leader informed us that our opponents were unable to field a side or had doubled booked the fixture. Over a few 'halves' it was decided that we had a big enough squad to play a full 11 aside game. Shrewdly it was decided not to inform absent squad members that there were no opponents. Our leader helpfully told half of us that the KO would be at 11.00 rather than 10.30! He knows how to keep us on our toes.
With the addition of 'Aggers' (Official Referee) to the playing squad we had 21 players. Charlie turned up halfway through the first half to bring the numbers up to 22. An excellent achievement - well done everybody! There were one or two moans, with 'squeally Lockett' living up to his reputation. But how to pick the sides? Our Leader would run one side but who would fill the breach as the leader of the alternative Tamps? Step forward Royston complete with clipboard!!! Tough management decisions needed to be taken away from the glare and egos of a full squad. In a scene reminiscent from the opening sequence of 'Prick up Your Ears' Our Leader and Royston retired to the gents toilet.
Squads were announced to bewilderment and mirth, and the game commenced. Our leaders 'Gentlemen' in home kit and Royston's 'Rovers' in away colours. Rovers had greater possession and despite creating a number of promising situations never really threatened. Our leader decided to lead by example and put himself in goal. Being partially sited this was a brave decision but one backed by 'advanced managerial thinking'. He argued that if they couldn't score against him they would become demoralised! What it is to be in the presence of genius! After 15 minutes Podge Minor scored from close range after good work from 'Northern' Rich. Claims for Rich being offside were rightly dismissed. Rovers now stung by the cruelty of sport redoubled their efforts but to no avail. Mitch at left back was able to study the back of Taj's shirt on numerous occasions but still no end product. 10 mins later 'Tonks' played Ainsley in who finished first time - our leaders plans now looking supreme. And so the first half continued until the 39 min when desperate Rovers crossed from the right, someone called offside, our leader stopped and the ball hit Royston on the back of the head and bobbled over the line - our 'Genius' was now flawed!!
Second half commenced with a our leader at left back but the pattern of play remained unchanged - Rovers pressed and had possession but no end product despite plenty of effort. A mix up between defenders allowed Ainsley in to slot a soft goal, 3-1 and cruising! Rovers became more anxious - Smudge went in goal but still managed to run with ball into the oppo's half! Royston, now suffering from the pressures of leadership, managed to run into the trees with the ball, argue with his players and fail to get around our leader! Podge Minor, Mickey Smith and Tonks began to dominate more in midfield. Aggers played a deft reverse pass putting Podge in on goal, who then unselfishly squared for Mickey to score. Matt Nelson attempted to lob Jack and would have scored against a lesser keeper. Being 6'7" may have helped! Andy turned and hit an excellent shot into the top corner. 4-2 but thoughts of a come back were soon squashed when Ainsley was put through, and after taking his time placed his shot directly onto a divot in front of the diving Taj, 5-2 and coasting! Mickey Smith had time to hit the bar before the game ended with both teams hitting the bar.
A very enjoyable morning was had by all. In the bar discussion was rife as to whether this was an official fixture. Arguments ebbed back and forth until it was settled by Ainsley - "If it's not an official fixture I don't have to buy the hat trick jug" - after a few seconds deliberation the game was deemed official.
Gentlemen - Graham, Mitch, Chris, Steve R, Jack, Tonks, Mickey Smith, Podge Minor, Rich, Aggers, Ainsley
Rovers - Royston, Tim, Smudge, Pookey, Jimbo, Squeally, Matt, Andy, Sir Clive, Charlie, Taj
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: L 5 - 2
Scorer: Podge (Minor), Ainsley 3, Roy, Andy, Mickey Smith
Match report: Alf Garnett
During our 'Curry night' (kindly organised by Jimbo & Lindsay) our esteemed leader informed us that our opponents were unable to field a side or had doubled booked the fixture. Over a few 'halves' it was decided that we had a big enough squad to play a full 11 aside game. Shrewdly it was decided not to inform absent squad members that there were no opponents. Our leader helpfully told half of us that the KO would be at 11.00 rather than 10.30! He knows how to keep us on our toes.
With the addition of 'Aggers' (Official Referee) to the playing squad we had 21 players. Charlie turned up halfway through the first half to bring the numbers up to 22. An excellent achievement - well done everybody! There were one or two moans, with 'squeally Lockett' living up to his reputation. But how to pick the sides? Our Leader would run one side but who would fill the breach as the leader of the alternative Tamps? Step forward Royston complete with clipboard!!! Tough management decisions needed to be taken away from the glare and egos of a full squad. In a scene reminiscent from the opening sequence of 'Prick up Your Ears' Our Leader and Royston retired to the gents toilet.
Squads were announced to bewilderment and mirth, and the game commenced. Our leaders 'Gentlemen' in home kit and Royston's 'Rovers' in away colours. Rovers had greater possession and despite creating a number of promising situations never really threatened. Our leader decided to lead by example and put himself in goal. Being partially sited this was a brave decision but one backed by 'advanced managerial thinking'. He argued that if they couldn't score against him they would become demoralised! What it is to be in the presence of genius! After 15 minutes Podge Minor scored from close range after good work from 'Northern' Rich. Claims for Rich being offside were rightly dismissed. Rovers now stung by the cruelty of sport redoubled their efforts but to no avail. Mitch at left back was able to study the back of Taj's shirt on numerous occasions but still no end product. 10 mins later 'Tonks' played Ainsley in who finished first time - our leaders plans now looking supreme. And so the first half continued until the 39 min when desperate Rovers crossed from the right, someone called offside, our leader stopped and the ball hit Royston on the back of the head and bobbled over the line - our 'Genius' was now flawed!!
Second half commenced with a our leader at left back but the pattern of play remained unchanged - Rovers pressed and had possession but no end product despite plenty of effort. A mix up between defenders allowed Ainsley in to slot a soft goal, 3-1 and cruising! Rovers became more anxious - Smudge went in goal but still managed to run with ball into the oppo's half! Royston, now suffering from the pressures of leadership, managed to run into the trees with the ball, argue with his players and fail to get around our leader! Podge Minor, Mickey Smith and Tonks began to dominate more in midfield. Aggers played a deft reverse pass putting Podge in on goal, who then unselfishly squared for Mickey to score. Matt Nelson attempted to lob Jack and would have scored against a lesser keeper. Being 6'7" may have helped! Andy turned and hit an excellent shot into the top corner. 4-2 but thoughts of a come back were soon squashed when Ainsley was put through, and after taking his time placed his shot directly onto a divot in front of the diving Taj, 5-2 and coasting! Mickey Smith had time to hit the bar before the game ended with both teams hitting the bar.
A very enjoyable morning was had by all. In the bar discussion was rife as to whether this was an official fixture. Arguments ebbed back and forth until it was settled by Ainsley - "If it's not an official fixture I don't have to buy the hat trick jug" - after a few seconds deliberation the game was deemed official.
Gentlemen - Graham, Mitch, Chris, Steve R, Jack, Tonks, Mickey Smith, Podge Minor, Rich, Aggers, Ainsley
Rovers - Royston, Tim, Smudge, Pookey, Jimbo, Squeally, Matt, Andy, Sir Clive, Charlie, Taj
OTVFC v Metrogas
Sunday 17th November 2013
Venue: Averyhiil
Score: L 1 - 0
Scorer:
Match report: Smudger
The big one, the chance to pit your skills against people who have played a decent level of football, Steve Gritt, hundreds of appearances for Charlton, John Bumstead ditto for Chelsea but we could also supply our own players of note, The Gaffer over 500 appearances at The Ashburnham Arms (it was a slow month!!), Taj, over 500 at the Chelsea megastore (yet more merchandise!!) and ex Toby Chris completing his 500th trip to the bar after the game to retrieve a Guinness for Smudger.
A few of the side had prepared seriously by taking a trip to Tonbridge on the Saturday to watch some rugby and make use of the tab kindly put behind the bar by Heineken (big thanks to Mark the keeper), to their great credit, Mitch, Ains, The Squire and Smudger all turned up on time and were raring to go, unlike Jimmy the Cheese who claimed 'hangover' for his no show (he didn't even come with us!!), the committee will stand for 'Strained beard', 'pulled eyebrow' or 'ruptured wallett' but cannot accept 'hangover' as a legit reason for not turning up (players take note)
Metrogas had put out a pretty strong side, but in a first half of very good football the Tamps held the upper hand, as usual we played out from the back and strung together some decent moves, let down on occasions by the final ball or cross. With Mark the keeper missing his first ever Tamps game through injury in over 7 seasons, it was Roymond who made a good fist (no pun intended) of the goalkeeping duties, he didn't actually have much to do, apart from letting in a goal, making one diving save and falling over when taking a goal kick. As the 1st half progressed the Tamps had 2
golden opportunities to go in front, but Sir Clive and Andy failed to take their chances and the mutterings were that we would be made to pay for those misses. And so it came to pass (just getting ready for the festive season) that from a Metrogas corner, Steve Gritt drove the ball in, Roy clawed it
out and their striker smashed it in, debate as to whether it went straight in from the corner is still undecided. We went in 0-1 behind but didn't deserve to be.
The other highlights from the 1st half were, the appearance of The Gaffer at left-side midfield, which saw him take a Norman Wisdom like prat fall as for some reason only known to himself he tried to run backwards to receive a pass.....this is a man who has tremendous difficulty going forward without the aid of a zimmer, but oh how we chuckled!! and Mr Lockett putting his acting skills to good use in showing everyone his 'shot by the snipper' routine as he went over on his ankle (no chuckling, just concern, well he is far more important that The Gaffer!)
The second half saw Metrogas have a lot more of the ball, but still only force one save from Roymond our own midfield of Grandad, The Squire, Mr Lockett and Podge jr, were doing a sterling job in closing down the oppo and when we had the ball, getting forward to help the attack, by now Metrogas had introduced a younger element to the team and the Tamps were finding it harder to test the oppo keeper, but were still playing some decent football. About 10 minutes from the end Andy and the oppo centre back clashed heads both looked a bit unsteady on their feet, Andy refused to leave the pitch saying he felt ok but couldn't remember his name.........tell him he's Maradona came the medical advice from Smudge (the old ones are the best) unfortunately this was lost in translations and he spent the last 10 minutes playing like Madonna!!, their player looked more like an extra from a first world war film about the Somme, big white bandage covering his head and one eye, a trickle of blood dripping down his face and men either side helping him away from the battleground (sorry, pitch, went a bit Wilfred Owen there!!).
The game came to an end, we had lost 0-1, but had given a good account of ourselves and probably deserved a draw. We took to the bar and began the replenishment of the alcohol we had lost during the game, always a favourite time for the Tamps players I find, as usual the drink and banter flowed, talk of Strictly, Downton and The Gaffer's tumble to the fore.
Team: Roymond
Mitch Tamps Chris SMUDGER Grandad
Taj Mr Lockett The Squire Podge jr
Sir Clive Andy
Subs: Ains, The Gaffer
Note to team: Must work harder on our posture, need to extend the feet on those kicks and flicks and keep and a better top line.
Note to Grandad: Wilfred Owen was a 1st world war poet and not Compo in Last of the Summer wine.
Venue: Averyhiil
Score: L 1 - 0
Scorer:
Match report: Smudger
The big one, the chance to pit your skills against people who have played a decent level of football, Steve Gritt, hundreds of appearances for Charlton, John Bumstead ditto for Chelsea but we could also supply our own players of note, The Gaffer over 500 appearances at The Ashburnham Arms (it was a slow month!!), Taj, over 500 at the Chelsea megastore (yet more merchandise!!) and ex Toby Chris completing his 500th trip to the bar after the game to retrieve a Guinness for Smudger.
A few of the side had prepared seriously by taking a trip to Tonbridge on the Saturday to watch some rugby and make use of the tab kindly put behind the bar by Heineken (big thanks to Mark the keeper), to their great credit, Mitch, Ains, The Squire and Smudger all turned up on time and were raring to go, unlike Jimmy the Cheese who claimed 'hangover' for his no show (he didn't even come with us!!), the committee will stand for 'Strained beard', 'pulled eyebrow' or 'ruptured wallett' but cannot accept 'hangover' as a legit reason for not turning up (players take note)
Metrogas had put out a pretty strong side, but in a first half of very good football the Tamps held the upper hand, as usual we played out from the back and strung together some decent moves, let down on occasions by the final ball or cross. With Mark the keeper missing his first ever Tamps game through injury in over 7 seasons, it was Roymond who made a good fist (no pun intended) of the goalkeeping duties, he didn't actually have much to do, apart from letting in a goal, making one diving save and falling over when taking a goal kick. As the 1st half progressed the Tamps had 2
golden opportunities to go in front, but Sir Clive and Andy failed to take their chances and the mutterings were that we would be made to pay for those misses. And so it came to pass (just getting ready for the festive season) that from a Metrogas corner, Steve Gritt drove the ball in, Roy clawed it
out and their striker smashed it in, debate as to whether it went straight in from the corner is still undecided. We went in 0-1 behind but didn't deserve to be.
The other highlights from the 1st half were, the appearance of The Gaffer at left-side midfield, which saw him take a Norman Wisdom like prat fall as for some reason only known to himself he tried to run backwards to receive a pass.....this is a man who has tremendous difficulty going forward without the aid of a zimmer, but oh how we chuckled!! and Mr Lockett putting his acting skills to good use in showing everyone his 'shot by the snipper' routine as he went over on his ankle (no chuckling, just concern, well he is far more important that The Gaffer!)
The second half saw Metrogas have a lot more of the ball, but still only force one save from Roymond our own midfield of Grandad, The Squire, Mr Lockett and Podge jr, were doing a sterling job in closing down the oppo and when we had the ball, getting forward to help the attack, by now Metrogas had introduced a younger element to the team and the Tamps were finding it harder to test the oppo keeper, but were still playing some decent football. About 10 minutes from the end Andy and the oppo centre back clashed heads both looked a bit unsteady on their feet, Andy refused to leave the pitch saying he felt ok but couldn't remember his name.........tell him he's Maradona came the medical advice from Smudge (the old ones are the best) unfortunately this was lost in translations and he spent the last 10 minutes playing like Madonna!!, their player looked more like an extra from a first world war film about the Somme, big white bandage covering his head and one eye, a trickle of blood dripping down his face and men either side helping him away from the battleground (sorry, pitch, went a bit Wilfred Owen there!!).
The game came to an end, we had lost 0-1, but had given a good account of ourselves and probably deserved a draw. We took to the bar and began the replenishment of the alcohol we had lost during the game, always a favourite time for the Tamps players I find, as usual the drink and banter flowed, talk of Strictly, Downton and The Gaffer's tumble to the fore.
Team: Roymond
Mitch Tamps Chris SMUDGER Grandad
Taj Mr Lockett The Squire Podge jr
Sir Clive Andy
Subs: Ains, The Gaffer
Note to team: Must work harder on our posture, need to extend the feet on those kicks and flicks and keep and a better top line.
Note to Grandad: Wilfred Owen was a 1st world war poet and not Compo in Last of the Summer wine.
OTVFC v Met Police
Sunday 10th November 2013
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: W 4 - 0
Scorer: Roy, Andy (3)
Match report: Micky Puplett
Sky's super Sunday triple header, 3 games back to back , firstly Old Tamps v Met Police , then Spurs v Newcastle and lastly Man-Utd v Arsenal, all massive matches, all A card games and all very important, let's start at Old Roan and our reporter, Michael Puplett….
A beautiful Sunny morning greeted Remembrance Sunday's game against the Met Police. And looking round our ranks we seemed to have brought a battalion not a team , with around 16 of us, some of whom should've been at the Cenotaph with the other Chelsea Pensioners….It's a gag!! , not harm meant…Mitch!!
We gathered round the Centre Circle for the impeccably observed Minutes silence. Standing there in cold reflection I could feel my eyes starting to well up, too much Deep Heat on the back of my neck….I should be writing for 'Private Eye'…
As we all stood in the quiet The Police looked somewhat intimidating, they were quite young , a couple were quite tall , and with Lee 'Charles Bronson' they looked rather nasty. Looks deceive though and as we kicked off you could tell they didn't have as much fight as they normally do. That's not to say we were coasting , we hardly ever coast in the first 15 mins of any game, even if we were playing the W.I we'd find a way of making it difficult.
The first pressure came from them, a few missed place passes and we were back tracking .None of their attacks had any true conviction, and by the 25th minute we'd found our rhythm. Mark The Bike and Taj were using the flanks really well, and pretty soon we had the middle sewn up, as Smudge and Podge snuffed out anything that went passed Brian Tonks and Mick DVD. Come the half hour mark we started to pur, Ainsley busied himself around the oppo's 18 yard box. Some nice footwork saw a couple of good efforts from Clive and a shot from Mark The Bike had the keeper Gordon Banksesque as he plunged down to his right and tip the ball round for a corner.
Mitch did well breaking up play with his Nobby Stiles approach of getting stuck in. Micky Smith provided the 'Field Marshall' calm and order we needed, as we became a little frustrated at not scoring.
At half time there was still no score, time for subs, Andy , Jimmy and Roy all came on. The second half started and within 5 minutes the Met's Keeper Should've been arrested for the clanger he committed , Roy pounced on the loose ball and we were 1-0 up. This seemed to deflate the opposition and within 10 minutes they were 2-0 down , big Andy reminding everyone of David Fairclough , super sub , ran on to a loose ball in the six yard box. This then became 3 as Andy dummied the defence then cool as you like put the ball in the net. Good Graham started to go on his mazy runs and this left the oppo running round like headless chickens….they were on the ropes by now.
Time to mention the unmentionable, Roymond Keane , decided one of the Oppositon was Alfie Haaland , with a tackle so late it actually got him in next weeks game….Roy lovely fella was having a great game up to then, but he should've seen Poppy Red for that.
As the last 10 mins approached we had a corner, Mickey Smith Whipped in a brilliant cross, Andy rose like a Salmon and met it full on , like a bullet it flew into the top corner. That was that, by now even big bad Lee had thrown the towel in. A well deserved win from Old Tamps although I was left feeling we could've gone up a gear if needed.
Man of the Match , gotta be Big Andy , superb hatrick Fella!!
Team: MTK
Mitch Smudger Podge Grandad
Taj DVD Tonks Mark
Sir Clive Ains
Subs: Jimbo, Roy, Andy, Micky Smith
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: W 4 - 0
Scorer: Roy, Andy (3)
Match report: Micky Puplett
Sky's super Sunday triple header, 3 games back to back , firstly Old Tamps v Met Police , then Spurs v Newcastle and lastly Man-Utd v Arsenal, all massive matches, all A card games and all very important, let's start at Old Roan and our reporter, Michael Puplett….
A beautiful Sunny morning greeted Remembrance Sunday's game against the Met Police. And looking round our ranks we seemed to have brought a battalion not a team , with around 16 of us, some of whom should've been at the Cenotaph with the other Chelsea Pensioners….It's a gag!! , not harm meant…Mitch!!
We gathered round the Centre Circle for the impeccably observed Minutes silence. Standing there in cold reflection I could feel my eyes starting to well up, too much Deep Heat on the back of my neck….I should be writing for 'Private Eye'…
As we all stood in the quiet The Police looked somewhat intimidating, they were quite young , a couple were quite tall , and with Lee 'Charles Bronson' they looked rather nasty. Looks deceive though and as we kicked off you could tell they didn't have as much fight as they normally do. That's not to say we were coasting , we hardly ever coast in the first 15 mins of any game, even if we were playing the W.I we'd find a way of making it difficult.
The first pressure came from them, a few missed place passes and we were back tracking .None of their attacks had any true conviction, and by the 25th minute we'd found our rhythm. Mark The Bike and Taj were using the flanks really well, and pretty soon we had the middle sewn up, as Smudge and Podge snuffed out anything that went passed Brian Tonks and Mick DVD. Come the half hour mark we started to pur, Ainsley busied himself around the oppo's 18 yard box. Some nice footwork saw a couple of good efforts from Clive and a shot from Mark The Bike had the keeper Gordon Banksesque as he plunged down to his right and tip the ball round for a corner.
Mitch did well breaking up play with his Nobby Stiles approach of getting stuck in. Micky Smith provided the 'Field Marshall' calm and order we needed, as we became a little frustrated at not scoring.
At half time there was still no score, time for subs, Andy , Jimmy and Roy all came on. The second half started and within 5 minutes the Met's Keeper Should've been arrested for the clanger he committed , Roy pounced on the loose ball and we were 1-0 up. This seemed to deflate the opposition and within 10 minutes they were 2-0 down , big Andy reminding everyone of David Fairclough , super sub , ran on to a loose ball in the six yard box. This then became 3 as Andy dummied the defence then cool as you like put the ball in the net. Good Graham started to go on his mazy runs and this left the oppo running round like headless chickens….they were on the ropes by now.
Time to mention the unmentionable, Roymond Keane , decided one of the Oppositon was Alfie Haaland , with a tackle so late it actually got him in next weeks game….Roy lovely fella was having a great game up to then, but he should've seen Poppy Red for that.
As the last 10 mins approached we had a corner, Mickey Smith Whipped in a brilliant cross, Andy rose like a Salmon and met it full on , like a bullet it flew into the top corner. That was that, by now even big bad Lee had thrown the towel in. A well deserved win from Old Tamps although I was left feeling we could've gone up a gear if needed.
Man of the Match , gotta be Big Andy , superb hatrick Fella!!
Team: MTK
Mitch Smudger Podge Grandad
Taj DVD Tonks Mark
Sir Clive Ains
Subs: Jimbo, Roy, Andy, Micky Smith
OTVFC v Erith
Sunday 20th October 2013
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: W 1 - 0
Scorer: Roy
Match report: Podge
Firstly, apologies to you all for the lateness of this report. I know you all like your updates on the Tampons Regular [geddit?]. I realise for some of you this is a much as you ever read, but I was working on the theory you were still wading through Mitch's report of the Cudham game! But just over a week later, this match doesn't seem half as bad ie I've forgotten any details that may be of interest!!
This game was like an Octagenarian's Marathon; started slow and died a death way before the end. Erith came with 11 players and a game plan to not lose by too many. The fact they achieved this was down to endemic apathy and general incompetence.
From the kick-off, the Tamps were able to move the ball effortlessly to the edge of the Erith box, where someone (usually Squeally), would shoot wide. A goalkick would be taken and the process would repeat. Ad Nauseam. I seem to remember Ainsley may have hit the post with one effort, although this could be wishful thinking from a far off place in time. Erith's 'efforts' consisted of hitting balls forward to no-one in particular. Goalkeeper Mark's contributions being limited to getting the ball back for a goalkick once or twice. This was a day on which he would make literally (in the literal sense of the word) zero saves!
After twenty minutes or so changes were made. Mitch had coughed up his last piece of lung; German Flu (possibly); caught off a Croat (probably); whilst watching Scotland (apparently). The worst kind of illness I think we can all agree. He took up the whistle from Micky Smith [how does a man with no lungs blow? - Ed] and was replaced by Podge. Not long after, the Tamps decided to break-up the pass/shoot/goalkick monotony and scored. A throw-in on the left was worked in a GG-Podge-DVD shaped triangle; Mick's cross was all the better as he actually told Roy it was coming. Even with his eyes shut (it was sunny!) Roy couldn't miss.
This heralded probably the best period of play in the game. Ten minutes where the Tamps stretched the Erith defence, with Roy getting to the by-line time and again and crossing to no-one. Just before half-time Podge hit the inside of the post with a rasping volley. The general consensus was that he should have scuffed it.
Half-time and 1-0. Changes were required. Smudger, always an astute tactician, could see what was needed. Nobody else could have envisaged that taking off far more players than came on was the solution. After about a minute of Grandad Graham having a conversation with himself about whether he should be playing left-back or midfield, Smudger came back on and normal service was resumed; Tamps neat passing game only stopping to avoid the puddles left over from the week before (if only we had a groundsman in our ranks!) MTB came on up-front, and complained no-one was passing to him. Good to see his injury lay-off hasn't affected him in any way!
Sometime during the half, Erith actually won a corner. The ball went straight over Goalie Mark's head, where Roger of Erith somehow managed not to head in. Later, the Tamps won a series of free-kicks near the edge of the Erith box. The only notable thing about these were that Mitch seemed to think that the distance of the wall from the ball should in proportion to the pitch-size. Small pitch; wall 3-yards away! The game ended when Podge let a simple ball run under his foot and out for a throw. Mitch summoned up his last breath to blow the final whistle. We retired to the bar. At least the sausages were nice!
MoM - Roy; as declared by [bad] Graham. He only watched ten minutes.
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: W 1 - 0
Scorer: Roy
Match report: Podge
Firstly, apologies to you all for the lateness of this report. I know you all like your updates on the Tampons Regular [geddit?]. I realise for some of you this is a much as you ever read, but I was working on the theory you were still wading through Mitch's report of the Cudham game! But just over a week later, this match doesn't seem half as bad ie I've forgotten any details that may be of interest!!
This game was like an Octagenarian's Marathon; started slow and died a death way before the end. Erith came with 11 players and a game plan to not lose by too many. The fact they achieved this was down to endemic apathy and general incompetence.
From the kick-off, the Tamps were able to move the ball effortlessly to the edge of the Erith box, where someone (usually Squeally), would shoot wide. A goalkick would be taken and the process would repeat. Ad Nauseam. I seem to remember Ainsley may have hit the post with one effort, although this could be wishful thinking from a far off place in time. Erith's 'efforts' consisted of hitting balls forward to no-one in particular. Goalkeeper Mark's contributions being limited to getting the ball back for a goalkick once or twice. This was a day on which he would make literally (in the literal sense of the word) zero saves!
After twenty minutes or so changes were made. Mitch had coughed up his last piece of lung; German Flu (possibly); caught off a Croat (probably); whilst watching Scotland (apparently). The worst kind of illness I think we can all agree. He took up the whistle from Micky Smith [how does a man with no lungs blow? - Ed] and was replaced by Podge. Not long after, the Tamps decided to break-up the pass/shoot/goalkick monotony and scored. A throw-in on the left was worked in a GG-Podge-DVD shaped triangle; Mick's cross was all the better as he actually told Roy it was coming. Even with his eyes shut (it was sunny!) Roy couldn't miss.
This heralded probably the best period of play in the game. Ten minutes where the Tamps stretched the Erith defence, with Roy getting to the by-line time and again and crossing to no-one. Just before half-time Podge hit the inside of the post with a rasping volley. The general consensus was that he should have scuffed it.
Half-time and 1-0. Changes were required. Smudger, always an astute tactician, could see what was needed. Nobody else could have envisaged that taking off far more players than came on was the solution. After about a minute of Grandad Graham having a conversation with himself about whether he should be playing left-back or midfield, Smudger came back on and normal service was resumed; Tamps neat passing game only stopping to avoid the puddles left over from the week before (if only we had a groundsman in our ranks!) MTB came on up-front, and complained no-one was passing to him. Good to see his injury lay-off hasn't affected him in any way!
Sometime during the half, Erith actually won a corner. The ball went straight over Goalie Mark's head, where Roger of Erith somehow managed not to head in. Later, the Tamps won a series of free-kicks near the edge of the Erith box. The only notable thing about these were that Mitch seemed to think that the distance of the wall from the ball should in proportion to the pitch-size. Small pitch; wall 3-yards away! The game ended when Podge let a simple ball run under his foot and out for a throw. Mitch summoned up his last breath to blow the final whistle. We retired to the bar. At least the sausages were nice!
MoM - Roy; as declared by [bad] Graham. He only watched ten minutes.
OTVFC v Avery Hill
Sunday 13th Octber 2013
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: W 2 - 0
Scorer: Podge, Good Graham
Match report: Dave Brooker
The Super Tamps were fantastic (but the weather was atrocious)
Despite their thorough pre-match preparations being disrupted by a discussion on whether the fixture could (or should) go ahead, The Old Tamps completed a convincing 2-0 win over arch rivals Avery Hill at a rain soaked Old Roan. Following his lengthy pitch inspection conducted from the warmth of the clubhouse, Groundsman Graham (aka “The Wally with the Brolly”) gave his (royal) assent that play could commence safely but to take care not to disturb the ducks swimming on the pitch with any sudden flowing moves, lewd behaviour or “fowl” language.
The early exchanges were even. Old Tamps were managing to avoid the large puddles of water in midfield by weaving mazy patterns with their short, quick passing play. Avery Hill meanwhile, favoured a more direct aerial approach thereby also avoiding the deeper pools of standing water. It was made apparent in the opening minutes that stand-in referee Roy was going to take a laissez-faire approach to his officiating as witnessed by his easy-going (“Play On – No Foul”) interpretation of Ainsley’s pull back on an innocent (Mad) Dave T in the Avery Hill penalty area.
The first clear openings both fell to Avery Hills speedy Desmond. Anticipating the end result of some fine wing play on the right by Avery Hill manager Matt, Des found himself six yards in front of goal, the ball rolling onto his favoured right foot and the Tamps keeper temporarily blinded by the driving rain. At this point Des did what any self-respecting Super Vets gentlemen player would do which was to blast his shot high over the bar. Tamps Goalkeeper Mark was only too happy to gain some respite from the driving rain by having to turn his back to go and collect the ball from somewhere along Kidbrooke Park Road. Some five minutes later, lax defending by Old Tamps and some improvisation by Avery Hills Andy resulted in Des this time receiving the ball some 10 yards out with just the goalie to beat. Again, to avoid any embarrassment to goalie Mark, Des deftly side-footed the ball just past the upright. Goalkeeper Mark was not to know that this concluded his busiest period of play.
Whilst this excitement was unfolding on the pitch some action which was to have a serious impact on the overall result of the game was taking place pitch side i.e. Podge was warming up by appearing to be taking part in a 10K fun run. Following his exertions and with a heart rate of 196, Podge was brought on to replace an otherwise effective looking DVD Mick. The influence of Podge’s energetic play was immediate to see. Combining with Good Graham down the right on a number of occasions, Old Tamps sent a series of dangerous crosses into the box. It was only the immaculate handling of Avery Hills young Goalkeeper Dan which lessened the threat. However, the respite for Avery Hill was to be all too brief.
On thirty minutes, Old Tamps snuffed out a pedestrian looking Avery Hill move forward and quickly turned defence into attack. Podge sent a ball spinning forward, Avery Hill defender Wayne attempted to intercept the pass but missed. The mistake was leapt upon by Old Tamps with Podge sprinting to join in with the attack. A few passes were exchanged around the Avery Hill box which left Podge 18 yards out but still with two Avery Hill defenders and goalkeeper Dan to beat. With a series of hip swerves that Len Goodman would have admired, Podge moved the ball left and right before planting a shot firmly into far right hand corner from 15 yards. 1- 0 to Old Tamps. This setback darkened Avery Hills mood (to match the weather) and the rest of the half was a continuation of Old Tamps dominance with Avery Hill scrambling to defend their goal. The half time whistle was welcomed by all as an opportunity to empty their boots of water.
The second half commenced with both teams having made changes. A clearly out of sorts Big Ken was replaced by Dave B at the back for Avery Hill and Old Tamps revealed the fruits of their renowned youth setup by replacing Mitch with Jimmy Love at left full back. This brought the combined age of the Old Tamps back four and goalkeeper down to a youthful 271 years.
Tackles became increasingly desperate. Podge flew in to deny Manager Matt in the centre circle sending waves of water in all directions. Matt was unhappy at the tackle, citing studs showing. Manager Matt let Podge know his thoughts. Podge calmly considered for a while, mulled the pros and cons of Manager Matts statements and gave his calm, considered reply (use your imagination). Seeing that a reasoned discussion was taking place, Avery Hills Wayne joined in with the frank exchange of views. Your correspondent didn’t fully follow the exchange too closely being distracted by his rapidly disintegrating football boots but statements such as “handbags, “work on Monday”, “get on with it”, “how old is he anyway?” were heard.
The middle part of the second half was a tale of two (not given) penalties. Firstly, Speedy Des was encouraged to his knees by an insistent Toby Chris with most witnesses agreeing it was a foul except for the one person whose opinion counted (Referee Roy). Des, having been encouraged by the earlier direct swapping of opinions between Podge, Manager Matt and Avery Hill’s Wayne quickly let Roy know what he thought of the decision in an honest, open, direct manner. The second incident was at the other end where Sir Clive’s legs were taken away following him receiving the ball in a possibly off side position. Referee Roy spotted this one, considered his options and diplomatically gave a free kick on the edge of the box. Sir Clive still looked troubled by the amount of water seeping into his undershirt and Roy’s myopia when he carelessly passed the resulting free kick into young goalkeepers Dan’s grateful arms.
The game was slowly drawing to its soggy conclusion with the Old Tamps defence looking increasingly comfortable and untroubled by Avery Hills unconvincing efforts to equalise. Goalkeeper Mark was afforded the luxury to daydream a little, perhaps to consider how dashing he must look in his bright red keepers outfit and how handy it would be for his lucrative side-line of appearing as Santa at the Bexleyheath shopping centre in December. The only major incidents of note in this phase of the game being the sight of Micky Smiths groin being given an airing, Smudger suddenly waking up at the back for Old Tamps long enough to shout some incomprehensible complaint about “bloody pushing” and Avery Hills Big Ken making an unexpected re-appearance in central midfield (with those knees!)
However, despite the conditions, Old Tamps Good Graham seemed determined to make sure that this the game was not to go gentle into the night but instead was determined to see it rage against the dying of the light. Having had yet another energetic burst down the left scuppered by a last ditch Avery Hill tackle, Graham got a slice of good fortune that his overall play deserved. Via a deflection, he received the ball halfway in the Avery Hill end of the pitch wide on the left. He pressed forward with speed and outpaced the floundering full back. Stepping inside and fully expected by all spectating to cut once more inside he instead calmly lifted the ball over the onrushing keeper to see it roll into an empty corner of the net. 2 – 0 to Old Tamps.
At this point most present on and off the pitch realised that all was up except for Podge who was still running around like a man possessed vigorously encouraging his team mates towards even greater glory and to raise his heart rate to 215. Referee Roy surprised all by blowing his whistle for full time (having shown little inclination to blow the whistle beforehand). A triumphant Old Tamps shook hands with their deflated opponents whom were rapidly realising that it would a full six months before an opportunity to exact revenge would present itself. All that was left was for each team to sort out who was to going to have to wash the muddy kit.
Team: MTK
James Cheese SMUDGER Tamps Chris TVB
Taj DVD Mr Lockett Grandad
Sir Clive Ains
Subs: Mitch, Podge
MOM: The Team (again!!)
Venue: Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: W 2 - 0
Scorer: Podge, Good Graham
Match report: Dave Brooker
The Super Tamps were fantastic (but the weather was atrocious)
Despite their thorough pre-match preparations being disrupted by a discussion on whether the fixture could (or should) go ahead, The Old Tamps completed a convincing 2-0 win over arch rivals Avery Hill at a rain soaked Old Roan. Following his lengthy pitch inspection conducted from the warmth of the clubhouse, Groundsman Graham (aka “The Wally with the Brolly”) gave his (royal) assent that play could commence safely but to take care not to disturb the ducks swimming on the pitch with any sudden flowing moves, lewd behaviour or “fowl” language.
The early exchanges were even. Old Tamps were managing to avoid the large puddles of water in midfield by weaving mazy patterns with their short, quick passing play. Avery Hill meanwhile, favoured a more direct aerial approach thereby also avoiding the deeper pools of standing water. It was made apparent in the opening minutes that stand-in referee Roy was going to take a laissez-faire approach to his officiating as witnessed by his easy-going (“Play On – No Foul”) interpretation of Ainsley’s pull back on an innocent (Mad) Dave T in the Avery Hill penalty area.
The first clear openings both fell to Avery Hills speedy Desmond. Anticipating the end result of some fine wing play on the right by Avery Hill manager Matt, Des found himself six yards in front of goal, the ball rolling onto his favoured right foot and the Tamps keeper temporarily blinded by the driving rain. At this point Des did what any self-respecting Super Vets gentlemen player would do which was to blast his shot high over the bar. Tamps Goalkeeper Mark was only too happy to gain some respite from the driving rain by having to turn his back to go and collect the ball from somewhere along Kidbrooke Park Road. Some five minutes later, lax defending by Old Tamps and some improvisation by Avery Hills Andy resulted in Des this time receiving the ball some 10 yards out with just the goalie to beat. Again, to avoid any embarrassment to goalie Mark, Des deftly side-footed the ball just past the upright. Goalkeeper Mark was not to know that this concluded his busiest period of play.
Whilst this excitement was unfolding on the pitch some action which was to have a serious impact on the overall result of the game was taking place pitch side i.e. Podge was warming up by appearing to be taking part in a 10K fun run. Following his exertions and with a heart rate of 196, Podge was brought on to replace an otherwise effective looking DVD Mick. The influence of Podge’s energetic play was immediate to see. Combining with Good Graham down the right on a number of occasions, Old Tamps sent a series of dangerous crosses into the box. It was only the immaculate handling of Avery Hills young Goalkeeper Dan which lessened the threat. However, the respite for Avery Hill was to be all too brief.
On thirty minutes, Old Tamps snuffed out a pedestrian looking Avery Hill move forward and quickly turned defence into attack. Podge sent a ball spinning forward, Avery Hill defender Wayne attempted to intercept the pass but missed. The mistake was leapt upon by Old Tamps with Podge sprinting to join in with the attack. A few passes were exchanged around the Avery Hill box which left Podge 18 yards out but still with two Avery Hill defenders and goalkeeper Dan to beat. With a series of hip swerves that Len Goodman would have admired, Podge moved the ball left and right before planting a shot firmly into far right hand corner from 15 yards. 1- 0 to Old Tamps. This setback darkened Avery Hills mood (to match the weather) and the rest of the half was a continuation of Old Tamps dominance with Avery Hill scrambling to defend their goal. The half time whistle was welcomed by all as an opportunity to empty their boots of water.
The second half commenced with both teams having made changes. A clearly out of sorts Big Ken was replaced by Dave B at the back for Avery Hill and Old Tamps revealed the fruits of their renowned youth setup by replacing Mitch with Jimmy Love at left full back. This brought the combined age of the Old Tamps back four and goalkeeper down to a youthful 271 years.
Tackles became increasingly desperate. Podge flew in to deny Manager Matt in the centre circle sending waves of water in all directions. Matt was unhappy at the tackle, citing studs showing. Manager Matt let Podge know his thoughts. Podge calmly considered for a while, mulled the pros and cons of Manager Matts statements and gave his calm, considered reply (use your imagination). Seeing that a reasoned discussion was taking place, Avery Hills Wayne joined in with the frank exchange of views. Your correspondent didn’t fully follow the exchange too closely being distracted by his rapidly disintegrating football boots but statements such as “handbags, “work on Monday”, “get on with it”, “how old is he anyway?” were heard.
The middle part of the second half was a tale of two (not given) penalties. Firstly, Speedy Des was encouraged to his knees by an insistent Toby Chris with most witnesses agreeing it was a foul except for the one person whose opinion counted (Referee Roy). Des, having been encouraged by the earlier direct swapping of opinions between Podge, Manager Matt and Avery Hill’s Wayne quickly let Roy know what he thought of the decision in an honest, open, direct manner. The second incident was at the other end where Sir Clive’s legs were taken away following him receiving the ball in a possibly off side position. Referee Roy spotted this one, considered his options and diplomatically gave a free kick on the edge of the box. Sir Clive still looked troubled by the amount of water seeping into his undershirt and Roy’s myopia when he carelessly passed the resulting free kick into young goalkeepers Dan’s grateful arms.
The game was slowly drawing to its soggy conclusion with the Old Tamps defence looking increasingly comfortable and untroubled by Avery Hills unconvincing efforts to equalise. Goalkeeper Mark was afforded the luxury to daydream a little, perhaps to consider how dashing he must look in his bright red keepers outfit and how handy it would be for his lucrative side-line of appearing as Santa at the Bexleyheath shopping centre in December. The only major incidents of note in this phase of the game being the sight of Micky Smiths groin being given an airing, Smudger suddenly waking up at the back for Old Tamps long enough to shout some incomprehensible complaint about “bloody pushing” and Avery Hills Big Ken making an unexpected re-appearance in central midfield (with those knees!)
However, despite the conditions, Old Tamps Good Graham seemed determined to make sure that this the game was not to go gentle into the night but instead was determined to see it rage against the dying of the light. Having had yet another energetic burst down the left scuppered by a last ditch Avery Hill tackle, Graham got a slice of good fortune that his overall play deserved. Via a deflection, he received the ball halfway in the Avery Hill end of the pitch wide on the left. He pressed forward with speed and outpaced the floundering full back. Stepping inside and fully expected by all spectating to cut once more inside he instead calmly lifted the ball over the onrushing keeper to see it roll into an empty corner of the net. 2 – 0 to Old Tamps.
At this point most present on and off the pitch realised that all was up except for Podge who was still running around like a man possessed vigorously encouraging his team mates towards even greater glory and to raise his heart rate to 215. Referee Roy surprised all by blowing his whistle for full time (having shown little inclination to blow the whistle beforehand). A triumphant Old Tamps shook hands with their deflated opponents whom were rapidly realising that it would a full six months before an opportunity to exact revenge would present itself. All that was left was for each team to sort out who was to going to have to wash the muddy kit.
Team: MTK
James Cheese SMUDGER Tamps Chris TVB
Taj DVD Mr Lockett Grandad
Sir Clive Ains
Subs: Mitch, Podge
MOM: The Team (again!!)
OTVFC v Cudham
Sunday 6th Octber 2013
Venue: Old Wilsonians Sports, Hayes
Score: L 4 - 3
Scorer: Ainsley 2, Mickey Puplit
Match report: Mitch
PROLOGUE
One of the more famous clichés in football is ‘A Game of Two Halves’. Well this week it was more like a match in four parts [with apologies to Jonathan Swift!].
It was a lovely warm, bright sunny autumnal morning, possibly a bit too warm for 90 odd minutes of 3-touch possession football, and the large pitch looked to be in excellent condition. The mood of the team was cheerful and quietly confident judging by the banter in the cramped dressing room. The squad rotation system was in operation with ‘Squeally Lockett’ unavailable due to a tight calf picked up at Thursday night 5 a side [sustained trying to evade ‘Mad Dave’s tackles no doubt] and Smudger complaining of a bad back- from shifting furniture for a birthday party- and a mere 4 hours sleep; obviously he had to be last to bed as host of the party! Young Podge was also unavailable for being, well far too young for a senior Vets match, and ‘angry Podge’ was also not allowed to play due to failing the age criteria for this fixture.
Into the squad came Brian Tonks - fresh from another depressing Millwall road trip – and the return of a now hernia free Micky Smith. The starting line-up therefore showed a slight reshuffle from last week with TVB moving to centre back to partner Toby Chris, your humble scribe slotting in at left back and Tonksy playing alongside DVD Mick in the midfield engine room with Smudger and Micky Smith keeping the ballbag company on the sidelines as substitutes, along with our only fan, Sir Clive’s chaperone.
THE GAME
We won the toss, apparently, and decided to play up the slight slope towards the blazing sun. Cudham duly kicked off and started to probe our defence using the cunning ploy of through balls beyond our full backs for their swift-footed forwards to run onto- obviously they had noticed the lack of pace in our starting line-up. Gaining possession we started to knock the ball around with our usual confidence and élan but all too often the ball was given away cheaply and possession was gifted back to Cudham who kept feeding their speedy forwards; only a fantastic last ditch sliding tackle in our penalty area by Grandad Graham prevented a clear goal scoring opportunity for them. A few clumsy attempts at clearances resulted in a small series of corners which we survived, but from an ensuing goal kick by Toby Chris, Cudham once again found a gap down our right side and this time their forward [George I believe] advanced into the box and fired a low shot across Goalie Mark into the far corner. 1-0 to Cudham.
HERE ENDETH THE FIRST PART.
In that first 15 or 20 minutes we did have a few attacks of our own but nothing of substance to worry their keeper. Going a goal down seemed to give us the kick we needed and we started to press forward down the flanks with more effect.
Whenever I remembered to pass the ball to his feet, rather than 2 yards in front of him, Grandad Graham [who is starting to resemble Gardener Graham in wanting ball to feet rather than exploit the space ahead of him!] would set off on a mazy run down the left wing and fire in some tantalizing crosses; unfortunately our forwards Ainsley and Sir Clive couldn’t keep up and were often 5 yards behind Graham so nothing came from his good work. Taking matters into his own hands [sic!], GG played a one-two with Ainsley and fired in a rasping shot that the Cudham keeper went full length to turn round the post. On the other flank Taj and Cheesy Jim were making inroads into the Cudham defence, Tonksy and DVD Mick kept things ticking over nicely in midfield whilst Ainsley and Sir Clive continued to make themselves available for link up play but were not getting much change out of the Cudham defence. However this not enough to keep Smudger happy as he urged us to use the big wide open spaces and move the ball around quicker and more effectively; sadly more often than not on the occasions we tried this a long crossfield pass was intercepted by Cudham and the move broke down. This I’m sure was not what Smudger intended.
We were still getting plenty of possession when yours truly gathered the ball deep in our half, drove forward [more like ambled aimlessly actually], played a one-three [that’s a failed one-two but the ball runs for you anyway], with Tonksy and suddenly found himself in ‘nosebleed’ territory on the edge of the Cudham penalty area desperately looking for someone to pass to! I managed to get to the deadball line and win a corner by kicking the ball against the legs of the Cudham right back; job done I was summoned urgently back to the halfway line so our skill players could get involved in the ensuing corner. DVD Mick struck the corner to the far post where Taj met it with a firm downwards header causing mayhem in the Cudham defence; the ball broke kindly for Ainsley who lashed it into the net for a 30 inch net buster! 1-1 and game on.
We were enjoying a good passage of possession football now and Cudham only intermittently threatened to cross the halfway line; another good bit of ‘triangle possession’ down the right wing saw us win another corner. DVD Mick again did the honours with a driven cross to just past the near post around about the 6 yard line; Sir Clive rose and flicked it on goalwards and found Ainsley lurking towards the back post to lash in another 30 inch net buster of a goal, 2-1.
With 2 goals in quick succession from corners Smudger declared loudly that we should ‘forget playing football, just play for corners’. Memories of John Beck and the POMO- that’s Position of Maximum Opportunity, as I recall- from 20 years ago come flooding back. But how do we ‘train’ for this when playing 3 touch 5 a side on Thursday nights? The team did not concern themselves with such theological conundrums but instead pressed forward down the left flank to win yet another corner; this time DVD Mick hit a fierce swerving inswinging cross to the near post which the Cudham keeper was unable to deal with and its now 3-1! Own goal maybe, but that would be harsh on both their keeper and DVD Mick so the goal was credited to Mick. Another shout of ‘play for corners’ from Smudger and soon after the ref blew the whistle for half-time.
3-1 up slightly flattered us and did not reflect the number of good chances that Cudham had early in the match. But with a lead and playing down the slope second half the team seemed relaxed and comfortable; no injuries so no need for substitutions but DVD Mick was struggling a bit [overworked specialist corner taker that he was] and Micky Smith declared he only wanted to play 20 mins, please, towards the end of the half.
HERE ENDETH THE SECOND PART
With the sun on our backs rather than in our faces, a 3-1 lead and our 2 subs primed for action to replace any tiring legs we should have had no problem playing out a comfortable win for the second half of the match; but as we all know football is often not like that and you can never take anything for granted. Especially if you stop working hard for each other, after all it is a team game. There were some warning signs early in the first half that failing to cover for colleagues when under pressure from Cudham attacks could prove costly; and so it proved. After a slow start to the second half we frequently moved the ball deep into Cudham territory and fashioned a few half-chances; equally though Cudham were once again hitting good balls into the channels along our flanks and chasing them down, using the slope to good effect to hold up the ball. DVD Mick had been doing a good job protecting the centre backs but was struggling with nausea and finding it hard to breathe - after about 15 minutes he signalled that it was time for him to come off, with Smudger set to enter the match.
What should have been a simple substitution was anything but as for a few minutes we appeared to have 3 centre backs and the rhythm of the team was disrupted; whether Cudham sensed this is open for conjecture but what is certain that they started to get more good possession deep into our half putting us under increasing pressure. Smudger finally slotted into the centre back partnership with TVB allowing Toby Chris to move forward into the engine room alongside his mate Tonksy. We continued to attack down the slope but unfortunately all four of our midfield now went forward at the same time, sometimes accompanied by Cheesy Jim meaning we were open to the counter attack. From one of these counter attacks, yours truly made the dreadful mistake of moving towards the Cudham player dribbling the ball, missed the challenge, leaving our left flank open; ‘JJ’, for it was he, then strode on into our box and fired a low shot across goalie Mark and it was now 3-2. Time for me to leave the field and give way to Micky Smith; upon reflection maybe I should have gone off earlier at the same time as DVD Mick as I’m sure Grandad Graham wouldn’t have made the very basic mistake I made, or if he did he could have got back to make another tackle. Ho hum!
HERE ENDETH THE THIRD PART
With Grandad Graham moving to left back, Micky Smith slotted into left midfield for a very quiet return to the team. It seemed like ages before he touched the ball but then he was off, popping up all over the pitch in his own very inimitable ‘frenzy’ style of play! We continued to have decent possession and created a good few chances- GG hitting another rasping shot over the bar, Ainsley just missing contact with an excellent cross- but the team wasn’t clicking and Cudham were looking more and more dangerous.
Whilst trying to initiate another attack Toby Chris was caught in possession near the halfway line on our right flank; the Cudham player moved off towards our left flank with TC in hot pursuit a yard behind. He finally caught the Cudham player after about 30 yards and slid the ball back towards where presumably he expected our left back to be but sadly only succeeded in finding another Cudham player lurking in the long grass of the right wing. A good cross in towards the penalty area and Monty of Cudham [ sounds like he should be in Spamalot, don’t you think?] made clean contact to sweep a shot into the goal giving goalie Mark no chance yet again.
So 3-3 and everything to play for in the last 10 minutes or so that remained. On the sideline DVD Mick- now joined by his Dad John and Mark the Bike - and myself grew increasing concerned about the match situation; we needed that 4th goal as the team didn’t appear to be too confident about playing out time with possession football for a draw. And anyway that’s not our style. Sure enough another attack from us committed too many people forward and when it broke down Cudham played a long ball deep into the wide open spaces of our right flank, with Taj and Cheesy Jim nowhere in sight. Smudger moved over to track the Cudham player whilst expecting his team mates to hurry back to deal with any other Cudham players joining the attack. An early cross was played into the edge of our penalty area and to Smudger’s dismay this found the Cudham No 7 [Wayne] on his own in acres of space with our players trailing some 5 yards behind. Wayne duly dispatched a clean shot giving goalie Mark no chance again. So we go from 3-1 up to 4-3 down in the space of 20 minutes. There was time for us to try one more attack, launched more in hope than conviction, before the ref blew for full time. If 3-1 flattered us at half-time then 4-3 probably flattered Cudham at full time; a 3-3 or 4-4 draw was about fair but then football isn’t always fair as we all know. So well played Cudham and hard cheese on us.
HERE ENDETH THE FOURTH PART
THE STARTING LINE-UP OR DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Goalie Mark
Taj TVB Toby Chris Young Mitch
Cheesy Jim Tonksy DVD Mick Grandad
Sir Clive Ainsley
SUBS: Smudger for DVD Mick; Micky Smith for Young Mitch
MAN OF THE FIRST 60 MINUTES: DVD MICK
EPILOGUE
We’re not a team for dressing room post-mortems [anyway it’s always the ‘goalies fault isn’t it?] but there was definitely an air of despondency about managing to ‘throw away’ a fairly comfortable 3-1 lead.
But a hot shower, clean set of clothes and welcoming bar soon makes you forget the preceding events and allows you to concentrate on more pressing matters. Like are we having a whip? Are we staying for more than one drink? Whats the drinks order? – 4 Spitfires and 3 Guinness as it happens [where have I heard the numbers 4-3 before?]. And who’s giving me a lift to Bromley South?
Our next 3 matches are all at home so doubtless the squad rotation system will be in full swing as we face Erith and Avery Hill on consecutive Sundays. Surprisingly we only play Cudham once a year-why is that? - so we will have to wait until Autumn 2014 for ‘revenge’; I wonder how many of the squad today will still be available to pull on a pair of boots?
Venue: Old Wilsonians Sports, Hayes
Score: L 4 - 3
Scorer: Ainsley 2, Mickey Puplit
Match report: Mitch
PROLOGUE
One of the more famous clichés in football is ‘A Game of Two Halves’. Well this week it was more like a match in four parts [with apologies to Jonathan Swift!].
It was a lovely warm, bright sunny autumnal morning, possibly a bit too warm for 90 odd minutes of 3-touch possession football, and the large pitch looked to be in excellent condition. The mood of the team was cheerful and quietly confident judging by the banter in the cramped dressing room. The squad rotation system was in operation with ‘Squeally Lockett’ unavailable due to a tight calf picked up at Thursday night 5 a side [sustained trying to evade ‘Mad Dave’s tackles no doubt] and Smudger complaining of a bad back- from shifting furniture for a birthday party- and a mere 4 hours sleep; obviously he had to be last to bed as host of the party! Young Podge was also unavailable for being, well far too young for a senior Vets match, and ‘angry Podge’ was also not allowed to play due to failing the age criteria for this fixture.
Into the squad came Brian Tonks - fresh from another depressing Millwall road trip – and the return of a now hernia free Micky Smith. The starting line-up therefore showed a slight reshuffle from last week with TVB moving to centre back to partner Toby Chris, your humble scribe slotting in at left back and Tonksy playing alongside DVD Mick in the midfield engine room with Smudger and Micky Smith keeping the ballbag company on the sidelines as substitutes, along with our only fan, Sir Clive’s chaperone.
THE GAME
We won the toss, apparently, and decided to play up the slight slope towards the blazing sun. Cudham duly kicked off and started to probe our defence using the cunning ploy of through balls beyond our full backs for their swift-footed forwards to run onto- obviously they had noticed the lack of pace in our starting line-up. Gaining possession we started to knock the ball around with our usual confidence and élan but all too often the ball was given away cheaply and possession was gifted back to Cudham who kept feeding their speedy forwards; only a fantastic last ditch sliding tackle in our penalty area by Grandad Graham prevented a clear goal scoring opportunity for them. A few clumsy attempts at clearances resulted in a small series of corners which we survived, but from an ensuing goal kick by Toby Chris, Cudham once again found a gap down our right side and this time their forward [George I believe] advanced into the box and fired a low shot across Goalie Mark into the far corner. 1-0 to Cudham.
HERE ENDETH THE FIRST PART.
In that first 15 or 20 minutes we did have a few attacks of our own but nothing of substance to worry their keeper. Going a goal down seemed to give us the kick we needed and we started to press forward down the flanks with more effect.
Whenever I remembered to pass the ball to his feet, rather than 2 yards in front of him, Grandad Graham [who is starting to resemble Gardener Graham in wanting ball to feet rather than exploit the space ahead of him!] would set off on a mazy run down the left wing and fire in some tantalizing crosses; unfortunately our forwards Ainsley and Sir Clive couldn’t keep up and were often 5 yards behind Graham so nothing came from his good work. Taking matters into his own hands [sic!], GG played a one-two with Ainsley and fired in a rasping shot that the Cudham keeper went full length to turn round the post. On the other flank Taj and Cheesy Jim were making inroads into the Cudham defence, Tonksy and DVD Mick kept things ticking over nicely in midfield whilst Ainsley and Sir Clive continued to make themselves available for link up play but were not getting much change out of the Cudham defence. However this not enough to keep Smudger happy as he urged us to use the big wide open spaces and move the ball around quicker and more effectively; sadly more often than not on the occasions we tried this a long crossfield pass was intercepted by Cudham and the move broke down. This I’m sure was not what Smudger intended.
We were still getting plenty of possession when yours truly gathered the ball deep in our half, drove forward [more like ambled aimlessly actually], played a one-three [that’s a failed one-two but the ball runs for you anyway], with Tonksy and suddenly found himself in ‘nosebleed’ territory on the edge of the Cudham penalty area desperately looking for someone to pass to! I managed to get to the deadball line and win a corner by kicking the ball against the legs of the Cudham right back; job done I was summoned urgently back to the halfway line so our skill players could get involved in the ensuing corner. DVD Mick struck the corner to the far post where Taj met it with a firm downwards header causing mayhem in the Cudham defence; the ball broke kindly for Ainsley who lashed it into the net for a 30 inch net buster! 1-1 and game on.
We were enjoying a good passage of possession football now and Cudham only intermittently threatened to cross the halfway line; another good bit of ‘triangle possession’ down the right wing saw us win another corner. DVD Mick again did the honours with a driven cross to just past the near post around about the 6 yard line; Sir Clive rose and flicked it on goalwards and found Ainsley lurking towards the back post to lash in another 30 inch net buster of a goal, 2-1.
With 2 goals in quick succession from corners Smudger declared loudly that we should ‘forget playing football, just play for corners’. Memories of John Beck and the POMO- that’s Position of Maximum Opportunity, as I recall- from 20 years ago come flooding back. But how do we ‘train’ for this when playing 3 touch 5 a side on Thursday nights? The team did not concern themselves with such theological conundrums but instead pressed forward down the left flank to win yet another corner; this time DVD Mick hit a fierce swerving inswinging cross to the near post which the Cudham keeper was unable to deal with and its now 3-1! Own goal maybe, but that would be harsh on both their keeper and DVD Mick so the goal was credited to Mick. Another shout of ‘play for corners’ from Smudger and soon after the ref blew the whistle for half-time.
3-1 up slightly flattered us and did not reflect the number of good chances that Cudham had early in the match. But with a lead and playing down the slope second half the team seemed relaxed and comfortable; no injuries so no need for substitutions but DVD Mick was struggling a bit [overworked specialist corner taker that he was] and Micky Smith declared he only wanted to play 20 mins, please, towards the end of the half.
HERE ENDETH THE SECOND PART
With the sun on our backs rather than in our faces, a 3-1 lead and our 2 subs primed for action to replace any tiring legs we should have had no problem playing out a comfortable win for the second half of the match; but as we all know football is often not like that and you can never take anything for granted. Especially if you stop working hard for each other, after all it is a team game. There were some warning signs early in the first half that failing to cover for colleagues when under pressure from Cudham attacks could prove costly; and so it proved. After a slow start to the second half we frequently moved the ball deep into Cudham territory and fashioned a few half-chances; equally though Cudham were once again hitting good balls into the channels along our flanks and chasing them down, using the slope to good effect to hold up the ball. DVD Mick had been doing a good job protecting the centre backs but was struggling with nausea and finding it hard to breathe - after about 15 minutes he signalled that it was time for him to come off, with Smudger set to enter the match.
What should have been a simple substitution was anything but as for a few minutes we appeared to have 3 centre backs and the rhythm of the team was disrupted; whether Cudham sensed this is open for conjecture but what is certain that they started to get more good possession deep into our half putting us under increasing pressure. Smudger finally slotted into the centre back partnership with TVB allowing Toby Chris to move forward into the engine room alongside his mate Tonksy. We continued to attack down the slope but unfortunately all four of our midfield now went forward at the same time, sometimes accompanied by Cheesy Jim meaning we were open to the counter attack. From one of these counter attacks, yours truly made the dreadful mistake of moving towards the Cudham player dribbling the ball, missed the challenge, leaving our left flank open; ‘JJ’, for it was he, then strode on into our box and fired a low shot across goalie Mark and it was now 3-2. Time for me to leave the field and give way to Micky Smith; upon reflection maybe I should have gone off earlier at the same time as DVD Mick as I’m sure Grandad Graham wouldn’t have made the very basic mistake I made, or if he did he could have got back to make another tackle. Ho hum!
HERE ENDETH THE THIRD PART
With Grandad Graham moving to left back, Micky Smith slotted into left midfield for a very quiet return to the team. It seemed like ages before he touched the ball but then he was off, popping up all over the pitch in his own very inimitable ‘frenzy’ style of play! We continued to have decent possession and created a good few chances- GG hitting another rasping shot over the bar, Ainsley just missing contact with an excellent cross- but the team wasn’t clicking and Cudham were looking more and more dangerous.
Whilst trying to initiate another attack Toby Chris was caught in possession near the halfway line on our right flank; the Cudham player moved off towards our left flank with TC in hot pursuit a yard behind. He finally caught the Cudham player after about 30 yards and slid the ball back towards where presumably he expected our left back to be but sadly only succeeded in finding another Cudham player lurking in the long grass of the right wing. A good cross in towards the penalty area and Monty of Cudham [ sounds like he should be in Spamalot, don’t you think?] made clean contact to sweep a shot into the goal giving goalie Mark no chance yet again.
So 3-3 and everything to play for in the last 10 minutes or so that remained. On the sideline DVD Mick- now joined by his Dad John and Mark the Bike - and myself grew increasing concerned about the match situation; we needed that 4th goal as the team didn’t appear to be too confident about playing out time with possession football for a draw. And anyway that’s not our style. Sure enough another attack from us committed too many people forward and when it broke down Cudham played a long ball deep into the wide open spaces of our right flank, with Taj and Cheesy Jim nowhere in sight. Smudger moved over to track the Cudham player whilst expecting his team mates to hurry back to deal with any other Cudham players joining the attack. An early cross was played into the edge of our penalty area and to Smudger’s dismay this found the Cudham No 7 [Wayne] on his own in acres of space with our players trailing some 5 yards behind. Wayne duly dispatched a clean shot giving goalie Mark no chance again. So we go from 3-1 up to 4-3 down in the space of 20 minutes. There was time for us to try one more attack, launched more in hope than conviction, before the ref blew for full time. If 3-1 flattered us at half-time then 4-3 probably flattered Cudham at full time; a 3-3 or 4-4 draw was about fair but then football isn’t always fair as we all know. So well played Cudham and hard cheese on us.
HERE ENDETH THE FOURTH PART
THE STARTING LINE-UP OR DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Goalie Mark
Taj TVB Toby Chris Young Mitch
Cheesy Jim Tonksy DVD Mick Grandad
Sir Clive Ainsley
SUBS: Smudger for DVD Mick; Micky Smith for Young Mitch
MAN OF THE FIRST 60 MINUTES: DVD MICK
EPILOGUE
We’re not a team for dressing room post-mortems [anyway it’s always the ‘goalies fault isn’t it?] but there was definitely an air of despondency about managing to ‘throw away’ a fairly comfortable 3-1 lead.
But a hot shower, clean set of clothes and welcoming bar soon makes you forget the preceding events and allows you to concentrate on more pressing matters. Like are we having a whip? Are we staying for more than one drink? Whats the drinks order? – 4 Spitfires and 3 Guinness as it happens [where have I heard the numbers 4-3 before?]. And who’s giving me a lift to Bromley South?
Our next 3 matches are all at home so doubtless the squad rotation system will be in full swing as we face Erith and Avery Hill on consecutive Sundays. Surprisingly we only play Cudham once a year-why is that? - so we will have to wait until Autumn 2014 for ‘revenge’; I wonder how many of the squad today will still be available to pull on a pair of boots?
OTVFC v Erith Vets
Sunday 29th September 2013
Venue: Queen Mary's Sports ground, Chislehurst
Score: 1 - 1
Scorer: Steve Lockett
Match report: Smudger
After a fine performance the previous week, we arrived to play Erith Vets in good heart and good form. Despite the worries of our glourious leader (absent this week) you can never have too bigger a squad! 23 players on the books and down to 12 for the visit to one of our better opponents. Young (quieter) Jimmy Podge helped us out to boost our numbers to 13.
On a beautiful playing surface the Tamps went about putting into practice all we have learnt on Thursday nights (no, not that if you get the right people in the whip you can get 4 pints for £10) but 3 touch footy (it's the future), we started really well and had the Erith side at full stretch on numerous occasions, Taj and Grandad were getting lots of space to play in and we should have made more of the start that we had, but in true Tamps fashion went a goal behind when we lost the ball high up the pitch and were caught on the break, Mitch in his most merciless way flagged for off side (which it was) but the ref decided to allow play to continue and their forward finished well. Our first thoughts were thank goodness that Podge the elder was not playing, as there would not have been enough toys in the pram for the throwing fest that would have followed! We continued to carry on playing as we had done before the goal and although caught on a couple of occasions by the fast counter attacks. were rewarded with a fine team goal from Mr Lockett, Smudge forayed forward and slipped a pass into DVD, he moved it onto Taj and from there to Sir Clive, who picked out Mr L's great run, who in turn finished with aplomb. H/T 1-1 we had been the better side and played really well, a full and frank half time team talk consisted of, the crisis in Syria, the labour party conference and who would be first to go from Strictly.
At half-time TVB made way for Mitch who thus became our first 60 year old player to partake in a match. The second half was much the same as the first, Tamps playing some fine football but unable to get the all important second goal, Erith I think only had one chance in the second half which was dealt with by MTK, they also had a penalty claim turned down, in my view it was never a pen (but then I was the Tamps player involved!!) Young Podge then came on the make his Tamps debut and the team responded by totally dominating the last 25 mins, Grandad started to go on a few of his mazy runs, at one point disappearing up his own bottom only to reappear and finish with a powder puff shot (good trick though.......beat that Dynamo!!). We were playing some really good football, with James Cheese now overlapping down the right, and at one point Tamps Chris (his Toby moniker now well and truly consigned to the dustbin) storming forward from his centre back position only to finish with a shot that had the nesting birds in more danger than the goal. We could, and should have won, Sir Clive and Ains both went close in the final minutes and it was nice of the ref to complement us on our football and our attitude.
A few of us repaired to the bar (Christ I've been watching too much Jeeves and Wooster) only to be greeted by canned Guinness, fizzy beer and no food, a very poor show, but even worse the bar only had half a bottle of white wine for Lindsay (it takes that just to get the dust out of her mouth).
Team: MTK
James Cheese SMUDGER Tamps Chris TVB
Taj DVD Mr Lockett Grandad
Sir Clive Ains
Subs: Mitch, Jimmy Podge
MOM: The Team
PS: Love you Linds xx (what a crawler)
PPS: Re Strictly I hope it's Vanessa Feltz
Venue: Queen Mary's Sports ground, Chislehurst
Score: 1 - 1
Scorer: Steve Lockett
Match report: Smudger
After a fine performance the previous week, we arrived to play Erith Vets in good heart and good form. Despite the worries of our glourious leader (absent this week) you can never have too bigger a squad! 23 players on the books and down to 12 for the visit to one of our better opponents. Young (quieter) Jimmy Podge helped us out to boost our numbers to 13.
On a beautiful playing surface the Tamps went about putting into practice all we have learnt on Thursday nights (no, not that if you get the right people in the whip you can get 4 pints for £10) but 3 touch footy (it's the future), we started really well and had the Erith side at full stretch on numerous occasions, Taj and Grandad were getting lots of space to play in and we should have made more of the start that we had, but in true Tamps fashion went a goal behind when we lost the ball high up the pitch and were caught on the break, Mitch in his most merciless way flagged for off side (which it was) but the ref decided to allow play to continue and their forward finished well. Our first thoughts were thank goodness that Podge the elder was not playing, as there would not have been enough toys in the pram for the throwing fest that would have followed! We continued to carry on playing as we had done before the goal and although caught on a couple of occasions by the fast counter attacks. were rewarded with a fine team goal from Mr Lockett, Smudge forayed forward and slipped a pass into DVD, he moved it onto Taj and from there to Sir Clive, who picked out Mr L's great run, who in turn finished with aplomb. H/T 1-1 we had been the better side and played really well, a full and frank half time team talk consisted of, the crisis in Syria, the labour party conference and who would be first to go from Strictly.
At half-time TVB made way for Mitch who thus became our first 60 year old player to partake in a match. The second half was much the same as the first, Tamps playing some fine football but unable to get the all important second goal, Erith I think only had one chance in the second half which was dealt with by MTK, they also had a penalty claim turned down, in my view it was never a pen (but then I was the Tamps player involved!!) Young Podge then came on the make his Tamps debut and the team responded by totally dominating the last 25 mins, Grandad started to go on a few of his mazy runs, at one point disappearing up his own bottom only to reappear and finish with a powder puff shot (good trick though.......beat that Dynamo!!). We were playing some really good football, with James Cheese now overlapping down the right, and at one point Tamps Chris (his Toby moniker now well and truly consigned to the dustbin) storming forward from his centre back position only to finish with a shot that had the nesting birds in more danger than the goal. We could, and should have won, Sir Clive and Ains both went close in the final minutes and it was nice of the ref to complement us on our football and our attitude.
A few of us repaired to the bar (Christ I've been watching too much Jeeves and Wooster) only to be greeted by canned Guinness, fizzy beer and no food, a very poor show, but even worse the bar only had half a bottle of white wine for Lindsay (it takes that just to get the dust out of her mouth).
Team: MTK
James Cheese SMUDGER Tamps Chris TVB
Taj DVD Mr Lockett Grandad
Sir Clive Ains
Subs: Mitch, Jimmy Podge
MOM: The Team
PS: Love you Linds xx (what a crawler)
PPS: Re Strictly I hope it's Vanessa Feltz
OTVFC v Charter Diamonds
Sunday 22nd September 2013
Venue: Old Roan Playing fields, Kidbrooke
Score: Won 2 - 0
Scorer: Ainsley, OG
Match report: Ainsley
Venue: Old Roan Playing fields, Kidbrooke
Score: Won 2 - 0
Scorer: Ainsley, OG
Match report: Ainsley
OTVFC v Orpington
Sunday 15th September 2013
London Transport Ground, Beckenham (Langley Park)
Score: Won 3 - 1
Scorer: Clive 2, Ainsley
Match report: Graham L
Things didn't bode well for this game as soon as I got out of the Chris's car. I was greeted by Orpingtons captain who told me they only had 10 men and that the ref had let him down. Luckily the supersized squad system worked as we turned up with 14 men. Worringly the captain said that the son of one of the players would start the game until a legal aged player arrived at 11.00 pm.
The pitch looked from the side a decent surface but when in the centre circle it was obvious football would be at a premium. I was glad that I had to ref not prostitute my skills on this uneven surface.
To the Tamps credit they tried to knock the bal around and build from the back. For 20 minutes they did this very well.Easy balls played and players made themselves available. This did not translate into chances being made. The Tamps first goal was due to mistakes being made by Orpingtons defence and goalkeeper. Good closing down by Micky P forced an error by their goalkeeper which resulted in him passing to Clive who rounded the keeper and tapped into an empty net. This was the high point of the first half. For the next 20 minutes of the half the Tamps game decended into mediocracy. Misplaced passes and poor control meant there was no pattern to the play. With a minute to go before half time came a major moment of controversy. An opposition came in, Mark the goalie collected the ball near the goal line, as he did this he turned to protect the ball, he was nudged by the oppo, he ended up with the ball over the line. I looked to the lino (Good Graham) for confirmation that the ball had been taken over the line, he did so, so I had no choice to give a goal. I was roundly condemned by the Tamps.
The second half started as the first half ended. Possession was given up far too easily. Orpington who promised to take 16 year old off as sioon as an older player turned up renaged on the deal and kept him on for the whole game. while taking off the only real super vet they had. Luckily this young lad had never been taught the offside jaw and was caught out time and again by the Italian like defence marshalled by Smudge and Chris. One of side decision against said youngster ended wit his dad losing it completely accusing Biker Mark of cheating. Soon after this Clive broke free after good work from Good Graham a classy first time lay off by Ainsley, and lashed the ball past the keeper at the near post, to make it 2 - 1.
The rest of the game passed me by as my phone which I was keeping time on went off and I had to answer a very important work related call. During this call Ainsley scored with a first time volley from a cross from our token northener Richard.
A 3 - 1 victory was fair reflection of the game. Mark the goalie was man of the match for 3 very good one on one saves in the second half.
Team:
Mark (7)
Good Graham (6.5) Chris (6.5) Smudger (6) Mitch (5)
MTB (5) Mickey P (5) Brian (5.5) Steve L (5.5)
Ains (6) Sir Clive (6)
Sub: Richard 5.5, TVB 5
Ref: 9.5 (Lost half a point for a small mistake - their goal!)
London Transport Ground, Beckenham (Langley Park)
Score: Won 3 - 1
Scorer: Clive 2, Ainsley
Match report: Graham L
Things didn't bode well for this game as soon as I got out of the Chris's car. I was greeted by Orpingtons captain who told me they only had 10 men and that the ref had let him down. Luckily the supersized squad system worked as we turned up with 14 men. Worringly the captain said that the son of one of the players would start the game until a legal aged player arrived at 11.00 pm.
The pitch looked from the side a decent surface but when in the centre circle it was obvious football would be at a premium. I was glad that I had to ref not prostitute my skills on this uneven surface.
To the Tamps credit they tried to knock the bal around and build from the back. For 20 minutes they did this very well.Easy balls played and players made themselves available. This did not translate into chances being made. The Tamps first goal was due to mistakes being made by Orpingtons defence and goalkeeper. Good closing down by Micky P forced an error by their goalkeeper which resulted in him passing to Clive who rounded the keeper and tapped into an empty net. This was the high point of the first half. For the next 20 minutes of the half the Tamps game decended into mediocracy. Misplaced passes and poor control meant there was no pattern to the play. With a minute to go before half time came a major moment of controversy. An opposition came in, Mark the goalie collected the ball near the goal line, as he did this he turned to protect the ball, he was nudged by the oppo, he ended up with the ball over the line. I looked to the lino (Good Graham) for confirmation that the ball had been taken over the line, he did so, so I had no choice to give a goal. I was roundly condemned by the Tamps.
The second half started as the first half ended. Possession was given up far too easily. Orpington who promised to take 16 year old off as sioon as an older player turned up renaged on the deal and kept him on for the whole game. while taking off the only real super vet they had. Luckily this young lad had never been taught the offside jaw and was caught out time and again by the Italian like defence marshalled by Smudge and Chris. One of side decision against said youngster ended wit his dad losing it completely accusing Biker Mark of cheating. Soon after this Clive broke free after good work from Good Graham a classy first time lay off by Ainsley, and lashed the ball past the keeper at the near post, to make it 2 - 1.
The rest of the game passed me by as my phone which I was keeping time on went off and I had to answer a very important work related call. During this call Ainsley scored with a first time volley from a cross from our token northener Richard.
A 3 - 1 victory was fair reflection of the game. Mark the goalie was man of the match for 3 very good one on one saves in the second half.
Team:
Mark (7)
Good Graham (6.5) Chris (6.5) Smudger (6) Mitch (5)
MTB (5) Mickey P (5) Brian (5.5) Steve L (5.5)
Ains (6) Sir Clive (6)
Sub: Richard 5.5, TVB 5
Ref: 9.5 (Lost half a point for a small mistake - their goal!)
OTVFC v Avery Hill
Sunday 8th September 2013
Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: Draw 1 - 1
Scorer: Mark D
Match report: Smudger
After a poor performance the previous week there is nothing like a local derby to get the football juices going. As the Avery Hill team assembled it was obvious that (surprise, surprise) all their big hitters were available, the Tamps had made a few changes themselves, drafting in Paul Garrett and Podge to add steel and anger (both missing the week before).
The game got off to a cracking start with both teams intent on getting the ball down and playing, the first chance went to AH but Mark the keeper stood his ground (not sure if this was intentional or that the ground was hard) and forced the striker into making a decision, he chose wrong and MTK made the save, from then on it was very even until about the last 15 mins of the half when the Tamps took over and squandered quite a few openings, Sir Clive at one point rounding the keeper and then leaving the ball behind allowing the keeper to grab hold of the it before he rolled it into the empty net. At this point the tackles were being delivered with more meaning (especially by Mad Dave) than is usual in a super vets fixture (Calm Dave, the ref saw fit to allow MD to stay on the pitch when a lesser ref might have branded a card) so half time and it’s 0-0.
A good half-time discussion and a couple of substitutions DVD Mick on for TVB and Andy on for Ainsley saw us ready for the 2nd half. We had even more control in this half and were playing some delightful footy, a few half chances were missed before a flowing move arrived at MTB’s feet, whether it was a cross or a shot did not matter as the ball flew over, and beyond the AH keeper (who looked even younger than last season!!) and nestled in the back of the net. We then went into a lull for 10 mins which allowed AH to get their equaliser with the only attempt on goal they had in the 2nd half. We had a few more chances before the end of the game, and Podge blasted over from close range putting himself in the running for ‘Miss of the season’ joining’ me (Smudger) on the short list of 2 at present (but Scholesey, Roymond and Rich of the North have not had enough game time yet, but I am sure they will be there or thereabouts!!) The game got a bit fractious towards the end when the Tamps thought they were on the wrong end of some decisions, even our linesman TVB was advised by the ref to ’just concentrate on the throws’ this after a tangle of legs (confirmed by Josh of AH) resulted in a free kick on the edge of the Tamps penalty area, it came to nowt , but is that anyway to speak to a headmaster (retired).
Full time came and the result was 1-1, we probably deserved to win, but after the previous week this was a vast improvement. In the bar we consumed a few ales and finished off what was left of Mitch’s afternoon tea from his 60th birthday celebrations the day before, sandwiches with the crusts cut off, we really are a classy outfit!!
Team:
Mark
Taj Paul G Smudger TVB
MTB Stevie L Podge Grandad
Ains Sir Clive
Subs: DVD Mick, Andy
Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: Draw 1 - 1
Scorer: Mark D
Match report: Smudger
After a poor performance the previous week there is nothing like a local derby to get the football juices going. As the Avery Hill team assembled it was obvious that (surprise, surprise) all their big hitters were available, the Tamps had made a few changes themselves, drafting in Paul Garrett and Podge to add steel and anger (both missing the week before).
The game got off to a cracking start with both teams intent on getting the ball down and playing, the first chance went to AH but Mark the keeper stood his ground (not sure if this was intentional or that the ground was hard) and forced the striker into making a decision, he chose wrong and MTK made the save, from then on it was very even until about the last 15 mins of the half when the Tamps took over and squandered quite a few openings, Sir Clive at one point rounding the keeper and then leaving the ball behind allowing the keeper to grab hold of the it before he rolled it into the empty net. At this point the tackles were being delivered with more meaning (especially by Mad Dave) than is usual in a super vets fixture (Calm Dave, the ref saw fit to allow MD to stay on the pitch when a lesser ref might have branded a card) so half time and it’s 0-0.
A good half-time discussion and a couple of substitutions DVD Mick on for TVB and Andy on for Ainsley saw us ready for the 2nd half. We had even more control in this half and were playing some delightful footy, a few half chances were missed before a flowing move arrived at MTB’s feet, whether it was a cross or a shot did not matter as the ball flew over, and beyond the AH keeper (who looked even younger than last season!!) and nestled in the back of the net. We then went into a lull for 10 mins which allowed AH to get their equaliser with the only attempt on goal they had in the 2nd half. We had a few more chances before the end of the game, and Podge blasted over from close range putting himself in the running for ‘Miss of the season’ joining’ me (Smudger) on the short list of 2 at present (but Scholesey, Roymond and Rich of the North have not had enough game time yet, but I am sure they will be there or thereabouts!!) The game got a bit fractious towards the end when the Tamps thought they were on the wrong end of some decisions, even our linesman TVB was advised by the ref to ’just concentrate on the throws’ this after a tangle of legs (confirmed by Josh of AH) resulted in a free kick on the edge of the Tamps penalty area, it came to nowt , but is that anyway to speak to a headmaster (retired).
Full time came and the result was 1-1, we probably deserved to win, but after the previous week this was a vast improvement. In the bar we consumed a few ales and finished off what was left of Mitch’s afternoon tea from his 60th birthday celebrations the day before, sandwiches with the crusts cut off, we really are a classy outfit!!
Team:
Mark
Taj Paul G Smudger TVB
MTB Stevie L Podge Grandad
Ains Sir Clive
Subs: DVD Mick, Andy
OTVFC v Charlton Rangers
Sunday 1st September 2013
Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: Lost 5 - 2
Scorer: Andy 2
Match report:
Old Roan Playing Fields
Score: Lost 5 - 2
Scorer: Andy 2
Match report:
OTVFC v Crofton Albion
Sunday 25 August 2013
Old Roan Playing FieldsScore: W 3 - 1
Scorer: Ainsley, OG, Mark D
Match report:
Old Roan Playing FieldsScore: W 3 - 1
Scorer: Ainsley, OG, Mark D
Match report:
Season 2012 - 13
OTVFC v Ultras (Cup Final)
Sunday 19th May 2013
Queen Margaret's
Score: L 3 - 3
Scorer: Podge (2), Clive
Match report:
Queen Margaret's
Score: L 3 - 3
Scorer: Podge (2), Clive
Match report:
OTVFC v Erith & Belvedere
Sunday 12th May 2013
Queen Margaret's
Score: L 3 - 1
Scorer: Good Graham
Match report:
Queen Margaret's
Score: L 3 - 1
Scorer: Good Graham
Match report:
OTVFC v Avery Hill
Sunday 5th May 2013
Tudor Sports ground
Score: L 5 - 1
Scorer: Sir Clive
Match report: Dave Brooker (Avery Hil)
The View from the Other Side
Encouraged from the off by the untimely pre-match injury to “pink boots” Colin and the news that the Old Tamps Gaffer had to leave at ½ time because of “lunch with the bloody in-laws” – Avery Hill completed an at times unlikely looking 5 – 1 win over Old Tamps at a sunny Lee Green.
The genial pre-match atmosphere was poisoned somewhat when Avery Hills perfectly reasonable request for kick off to be delayed to allow their underage keeper to learn the list of 1970’s FA final results (which are often used to verify Super-vet status) was meet with a reply of “bollocks!”. The thought of starting with Jeff in goal led to Avery Hill’s Nige hitting the deck complaining of being“kicked up in the air”. Under cover of this later much repeated tactic Young Goalkeeper Dan was finally able to take on board that it was Alan Sunderland that scored the last minute winner against Man U in ’79 and not the whole team of Maccams under Bob Stokoe in ‘73.
With the match finally commencing, the Old Tamps started at a gallop and initially looked the most likely to score. An impressive looking OTVFC midfield being run by Podge was just being held in place by an Avery Hill back four ably marshalled by an imperious Stevie H sporting his knees that point in many different directions. Having fended off the initial pressure, Avery Hill took the lead in slightly comical manner. A lively looking Neil surged down the Avery Hill right, passed the ball inside, tried to collect the return ball, seemed to lose control of it, was presented back with it by a very confused looking Old Tamps back four. Neil eventually rounded the OTVFC keeper to calmly side foot the ball into an empty net after 15 minutes. 1 – 0 to Avery Hill. It was at this point that those watching on the touchline realised that the Old Tamps had today, deployed their comedy back four utilising their much vaunted tactic of “deceptive slowness”. A very similar series of events i.e. strong running from Neil and the OTVFC defence assisting by giving the ball back directly to the opposition led to another goal being gifted to Silvester some ten minutes after the first. A discussion took place on the touchline that the OTVFC’s defensive confusion may be the result of an over use of nicotinoid based insecticides by groundsman Graham in his day job was rejected as apparently this only affects honey bees. 2 – 0 to Avery Hill.
Though visibly stunned and with Avery Hill gaining confidence through their unexpected 2 – 0 lead, Old Tamps fought to get back into the game. However, too often a series of impressive looking moves resulted in a poor final ball. A rare (very, very rare) piece of class was when OTVFC’s Micky Puplitt gathered a loose ball from yet another “come to nothing” attack and unleashed a missile in Young Goalkeeper Dan’s direction. Flying towards him at a high rate of knots, Dan managed to discard his Brian Moore signed edition of the Big Match 1978 Annual to safely gather the ball into his hands. However, this was just a respite before OTVFC finally broke their duck with a flowing effort that did come to something. 2 – 1 to Avery Hill.
Buoyed by their breakthrough, more pressure was applied by OTVFC. A key moment was the OTVFC Gaffer heading a well weighted cross from the right over the Avery Hill cross-bar when it seemed easier to score. He blamed a glint of the sun off Avery Hills Des’s bald pate for the miss although we all suspect it was the thought of breaking bread with his in-laws at 12-30pm which was at the root of his poor attempt to equalise. As time passed, the Avery Hill defence began to look increasingly comfortable dealing with the attempts to breach it with “Mad” Dave T employing his more recent tactic of “menacing from a close proximity” to good effect. Following his impressive start to the game, Avery Hill’s Andy had to be replaced in midfield by Nige as Andy had found a clave in his sock. In between inspecting the grass at very close quarters following rough-house OTVFC tackles, Avery Hill’s Nige was influencing the game more and more in midfield. OTVFC’s Podge was looking increasingly isolated in his battle with Nige following Micky Smiths substitution (a victim of OTVFC’s strict squad rotation system). Nige’s influence was there for all to see as he was at the core of a flowing Avery Hill move down the left which resulted in a second for Silvester. The first goal of three that Avery Hill has actually constructed without the considerable help of the Old Tamps defence. Half-time arrived with Avery Hill leading 3 – 1.
Following the half-time departure of the OTVFC Gaffer to his dinner date, his self-appointed deputy Roy, having overcome his initial confusion at the multitude of white lines covering the pitch, decided to alter both the line-up and formation of his team. The second half started in a similar vein to the first with OTVFC applying pressure. Roy having moved “Good Graham” to the right wing, his strong running was increasingly causing problems for the Avery Hill rear-guard now without the influential Stevie H who was withdrawn at half time as his right knee was pointing East-North-East and the left South-South-West. A critical late intervention by Young Goalkeeper Dan thwarted a menacing Old Tamps attack which would have got them back in the game.
In response to Roy’s tactical changes, Avery Hill’s manager Matt replaced his full backs in order to blunt the OTVFC attack. Despite an initial continuation of the OTVFC pressure the tactical change soon started to reap dividends with the Avery Hill defence tightening up. Soon, physical injury was decimating the OTVFC team. Little Jim was carried from the field over his shoulders by Smudger. It is believed Smudger was mindful of the circling Herring Gulls that might whisk Little Jim away if he did not move him to safety quickly. Podge was last seen walking from the field muttering loudly at invisible spectators to be replaced by a clearly still injured Steve Rogers. Following this weakening of the team, Avery Hill then took control through the highly sophisticated tactic of kicking the ball over the heads of the Old Tamps defence and then running onto it and kicking it into the goal. This worked so well for the 4th goal they tried it again to get a fifth. Final score 5 – 1 to Avery Hill.
Walking from the field up the stairs to the changing room some clearly hysterical members of the Old Tamps team claimed to have heard a God like voice condemning them to an eternal hell of fire and brimstone for that performance. This was quickly dismissed by the more sane voices in the OTVFC camp and making clear that a far worse fate of having to hear the Thursday night Avery Hill contingent mention “local bragging rights” multiple times was a fate far worse than any Old Testament type example of God’s Wrath.
Team line up: Mark the Goalie (9) Wee Jimmy Krankie (6.78) Taj (4.23) Mitch the merciless (8) Smudge (5.76) Podge (6) Good Graham (6) Micky DVD (5) Mark the Bike (9.7) Sir Clive (12) Ainsley Chariot (6.6) Gaffer (9) Steve R (A-) Tim V B ( ∏r2 )
Tudor Sports ground
Score: L 5 - 1
Scorer: Sir Clive
Match report: Dave Brooker (Avery Hil)
The View from the Other Side
Encouraged from the off by the untimely pre-match injury to “pink boots” Colin and the news that the Old Tamps Gaffer had to leave at ½ time because of “lunch with the bloody in-laws” – Avery Hill completed an at times unlikely looking 5 – 1 win over Old Tamps at a sunny Lee Green.
The genial pre-match atmosphere was poisoned somewhat when Avery Hills perfectly reasonable request for kick off to be delayed to allow their underage keeper to learn the list of 1970’s FA final results (which are often used to verify Super-vet status) was meet with a reply of “bollocks!”. The thought of starting with Jeff in goal led to Avery Hill’s Nige hitting the deck complaining of being“kicked up in the air”. Under cover of this later much repeated tactic Young Goalkeeper Dan was finally able to take on board that it was Alan Sunderland that scored the last minute winner against Man U in ’79 and not the whole team of Maccams under Bob Stokoe in ‘73.
With the match finally commencing, the Old Tamps started at a gallop and initially looked the most likely to score. An impressive looking OTVFC midfield being run by Podge was just being held in place by an Avery Hill back four ably marshalled by an imperious Stevie H sporting his knees that point in many different directions. Having fended off the initial pressure, Avery Hill took the lead in slightly comical manner. A lively looking Neil surged down the Avery Hill right, passed the ball inside, tried to collect the return ball, seemed to lose control of it, was presented back with it by a very confused looking Old Tamps back four. Neil eventually rounded the OTVFC keeper to calmly side foot the ball into an empty net after 15 minutes. 1 – 0 to Avery Hill. It was at this point that those watching on the touchline realised that the Old Tamps had today, deployed their comedy back four utilising their much vaunted tactic of “deceptive slowness”. A very similar series of events i.e. strong running from Neil and the OTVFC defence assisting by giving the ball back directly to the opposition led to another goal being gifted to Silvester some ten minutes after the first. A discussion took place on the touchline that the OTVFC’s defensive confusion may be the result of an over use of nicotinoid based insecticides by groundsman Graham in his day job was rejected as apparently this only affects honey bees. 2 – 0 to Avery Hill.
Though visibly stunned and with Avery Hill gaining confidence through their unexpected 2 – 0 lead, Old Tamps fought to get back into the game. However, too often a series of impressive looking moves resulted in a poor final ball. A rare (very, very rare) piece of class was when OTVFC’s Micky Puplitt gathered a loose ball from yet another “come to nothing” attack and unleashed a missile in Young Goalkeeper Dan’s direction. Flying towards him at a high rate of knots, Dan managed to discard his Brian Moore signed edition of the Big Match 1978 Annual to safely gather the ball into his hands. However, this was just a respite before OTVFC finally broke their duck with a flowing effort that did come to something. 2 – 1 to Avery Hill.
Buoyed by their breakthrough, more pressure was applied by OTVFC. A key moment was the OTVFC Gaffer heading a well weighted cross from the right over the Avery Hill cross-bar when it seemed easier to score. He blamed a glint of the sun off Avery Hills Des’s bald pate for the miss although we all suspect it was the thought of breaking bread with his in-laws at 12-30pm which was at the root of his poor attempt to equalise. As time passed, the Avery Hill defence began to look increasingly comfortable dealing with the attempts to breach it with “Mad” Dave T employing his more recent tactic of “menacing from a close proximity” to good effect. Following his impressive start to the game, Avery Hill’s Andy had to be replaced in midfield by Nige as Andy had found a clave in his sock. In between inspecting the grass at very close quarters following rough-house OTVFC tackles, Avery Hill’s Nige was influencing the game more and more in midfield. OTVFC’s Podge was looking increasingly isolated in his battle with Nige following Micky Smiths substitution (a victim of OTVFC’s strict squad rotation system). Nige’s influence was there for all to see as he was at the core of a flowing Avery Hill move down the left which resulted in a second for Silvester. The first goal of three that Avery Hill has actually constructed without the considerable help of the Old Tamps defence. Half-time arrived with Avery Hill leading 3 – 1.
Following the half-time departure of the OTVFC Gaffer to his dinner date, his self-appointed deputy Roy, having overcome his initial confusion at the multitude of white lines covering the pitch, decided to alter both the line-up and formation of his team. The second half started in a similar vein to the first with OTVFC applying pressure. Roy having moved “Good Graham” to the right wing, his strong running was increasingly causing problems for the Avery Hill rear-guard now without the influential Stevie H who was withdrawn at half time as his right knee was pointing East-North-East and the left South-South-West. A critical late intervention by Young Goalkeeper Dan thwarted a menacing Old Tamps attack which would have got them back in the game.
In response to Roy’s tactical changes, Avery Hill’s manager Matt replaced his full backs in order to blunt the OTVFC attack. Despite an initial continuation of the OTVFC pressure the tactical change soon started to reap dividends with the Avery Hill defence tightening up. Soon, physical injury was decimating the OTVFC team. Little Jim was carried from the field over his shoulders by Smudger. It is believed Smudger was mindful of the circling Herring Gulls that might whisk Little Jim away if he did not move him to safety quickly. Podge was last seen walking from the field muttering loudly at invisible spectators to be replaced by a clearly still injured Steve Rogers. Following this weakening of the team, Avery Hill then took control through the highly sophisticated tactic of kicking the ball over the heads of the Old Tamps defence and then running onto it and kicking it into the goal. This worked so well for the 4th goal they tried it again to get a fifth. Final score 5 – 1 to Avery Hill.
Walking from the field up the stairs to the changing room some clearly hysterical members of the Old Tamps team claimed to have heard a God like voice condemning them to an eternal hell of fire and brimstone for that performance. This was quickly dismissed by the more sane voices in the OTVFC camp and making clear that a far worse fate of having to hear the Thursday night Avery Hill contingent mention “local bragging rights” multiple times was a fate far worse than any Old Testament type example of God’s Wrath.
Team line up: Mark the Goalie (9) Wee Jimmy Krankie (6.78) Taj (4.23) Mitch the merciless (8) Smudge (5.76) Podge (6) Good Graham (6) Micky DVD (5) Mark the Bike (9.7) Sir Clive (12) Ainsley Chariot (6.6) Gaffer (9) Steve R (A-) Tim V B ( ∏r2 )
OTVFC v Toby Scumbags Kindergarten
Sunday 28th April 2013
Score: 1-3 (H-T 1-1)
Scorer: Scholesy
Match report : Steve Rogers
Presumably an unfortunate administrative error led to Toby turning up to this game with a side clearly several years shy of Vets football let alone Supervets. With Tamps average age 52 against our opponents average of 36 it was clearly going to be an uphill task. It appeared that not even our (nearly ) sexagenarian fullbacks nor indeed the arrival of the Gaffer pitchside on his motability scooter could shame Toby.
However undaunted Tamps dominated the early exchanges denying Toby even a kick during the opening 22 seconds whilst working the ball back to our 6 yard box. At this point however the game plan went slightly awry as Toby’s first kick was a toe poke past Mark and 1-0 down – statisticians scurried to the record books to see if Tamps had ever conceded earlier but the general consensus was yes we must have done – probably on quite a few occasions! The response to this set back was however magnificent – everyone worked hard to close down and deny space and Tamps began to create some very palatable half chances. The pressure told and as Toby dallied in their box Scholesy sniffing like a desperate cocaine addict scrambled the ball home. Half time and one apiece.
The second half and indeed the game was won in the space of a few minutes- an excellent move from Toby resulted in a headed goal- minutes later an attempted cross sailed over Marks head and cruelly and unerringly nestled in the top corner. Things looked bleak.
However cometh the hour cometh the gaffer with another of his managerial master plans and he still had a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve – he replaced the goal threat of Ainsley with himself in a Gareth Balesque libero role. Other positional changes were divulged purely on a ‘need to know’ basis resulting in some confusion. Astonishingly however the plan seemed to work! Toby responded predictably by removing their three eldest players thus reducing their average age to virtually prepubescent and with the gaffer covering every blade of grass –( unlike his motability scooter which was by now no longer working) Tamps started to control the game fashioning a number of chances – the pick of the bunch perhaps being two touch football the length of the pitch, a cut back by Taj and a shot from Podge bringing a fine save. Finally the behemoth that is Smudge stirred – realising the end of season was fast approaching and illustrious awards were up for grabs he firstly made a play for the hotly contested own goal of the season with a bullet header that crashed back off our own bar as well as giving Mark the Goalie a terrible fright. Then at the other end an audacious 35 effort could only find the keeper.
So Tamps retreated to the bar where so much of our best work is done with an honourable defeat –sadly and despite the fine array of crisps and fizzy drinks on offer most of Toby were unable to join us due to pressures of homework and anxious parents.
Meanwhile we steel ourselves for a congested end of season. Back to Vets football next week and a game against local rivals Avery Hill led by ‘Mad’ Dave and his evil henchmen. Meanwhile our glorious leader has set to work on designing our cup final outfits – believed to be an ensemble of cream suits with hush puppies (cost to be deducted from next week’s match fee of £160) while Mark the Goalie is penning the cup final record (leaning on a Tamp post waiting for the ball to go by) to be released on Vinyl.
Team line up: Mark the Goalie (7) Wee Jimmy Krankie (4) Taj (2) Mitch the merciless (8) Smudge (4) Podge (6) Scholesy (0- horrendous tackle that unfortunately arrived too late to be included in the above report) Micky DVD (5) Mark the Bike (9.7) Sir Clive (£££) Ainsley Chariot (4) Gaffer (9) Steve R (2)
Ed: copies of 'Leaning on a Tampost waiting for a ball to go by' are now available on iTunes
Score: 1-3 (H-T 1-1)
Scorer: Scholesy
Match report : Steve Rogers
Presumably an unfortunate administrative error led to Toby turning up to this game with a side clearly several years shy of Vets football let alone Supervets. With Tamps average age 52 against our opponents average of 36 it was clearly going to be an uphill task. It appeared that not even our (nearly ) sexagenarian fullbacks nor indeed the arrival of the Gaffer pitchside on his motability scooter could shame Toby.
However undaunted Tamps dominated the early exchanges denying Toby even a kick during the opening 22 seconds whilst working the ball back to our 6 yard box. At this point however the game plan went slightly awry as Toby’s first kick was a toe poke past Mark and 1-0 down – statisticians scurried to the record books to see if Tamps had ever conceded earlier but the general consensus was yes we must have done – probably on quite a few occasions! The response to this set back was however magnificent – everyone worked hard to close down and deny space and Tamps began to create some very palatable half chances. The pressure told and as Toby dallied in their box Scholesy sniffing like a desperate cocaine addict scrambled the ball home. Half time and one apiece.
The second half and indeed the game was won in the space of a few minutes- an excellent move from Toby resulted in a headed goal- minutes later an attempted cross sailed over Marks head and cruelly and unerringly nestled in the top corner. Things looked bleak.
However cometh the hour cometh the gaffer with another of his managerial master plans and he still had a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve – he replaced the goal threat of Ainsley with himself in a Gareth Balesque libero role. Other positional changes were divulged purely on a ‘need to know’ basis resulting in some confusion. Astonishingly however the plan seemed to work! Toby responded predictably by removing their three eldest players thus reducing their average age to virtually prepubescent and with the gaffer covering every blade of grass –( unlike his motability scooter which was by now no longer working) Tamps started to control the game fashioning a number of chances – the pick of the bunch perhaps being two touch football the length of the pitch, a cut back by Taj and a shot from Podge bringing a fine save. Finally the behemoth that is Smudge stirred – realising the end of season was fast approaching and illustrious awards were up for grabs he firstly made a play for the hotly contested own goal of the season with a bullet header that crashed back off our own bar as well as giving Mark the Goalie a terrible fright. Then at the other end an audacious 35 effort could only find the keeper.
So Tamps retreated to the bar where so much of our best work is done with an honourable defeat –sadly and despite the fine array of crisps and fizzy drinks on offer most of Toby were unable to join us due to pressures of homework and anxious parents.
Meanwhile we steel ourselves for a congested end of season. Back to Vets football next week and a game against local rivals Avery Hill led by ‘Mad’ Dave and his evil henchmen. Meanwhile our glorious leader has set to work on designing our cup final outfits – believed to be an ensemble of cream suits with hush puppies (cost to be deducted from next week’s match fee of £160) while Mark the Goalie is penning the cup final record (leaning on a Tamp post waiting for the ball to go by) to be released on Vinyl.
Team line up: Mark the Goalie (7) Wee Jimmy Krankie (4) Taj (2) Mitch the merciless (8) Smudge (4) Podge (6) Scholesy (0- horrendous tackle that unfortunately arrived too late to be included in the above report) Micky DVD (5) Mark the Bike (9.7) Sir Clive (£££) Ainsley Chariot (4) Gaffer (9) Steve R (2)
Ed: copies of 'Leaning on a Tampost waiting for a ball to go by' are now available on iTunes
OTVFC v Wellcome
Sunday 3rd February 2013
Beckenham Cricket Club, Foxglove Road
Wellcome (1) 3 v Old Tamponians (1) 1
Match Report: Ainsley
Bjorn Borg, Jimmy Connors, Arthur Ashe, John McEnroe, Pat Cash, Stefan Edberg, Ivan Lendl, Boris Becker, Pete Sampras, Steffi Graf and Martina Navratilova have all graced the Foxglove arena. On Sunday it was the turn of the Old Tamponians to to stride the famous turf and, perhaps, emulate these illustrious predecessors. Resplendent in our away kit (although slightly confused as the last two times we wore the away kit the opposition had similiar colours!). We had high hopes of a good performance considering our recent run of form. We had a large squad of 17 players and welcomed the return of Tampon legends Steve Lockett and Tim Davies. Steve had been out for over 6 weeks with a broken toe in two places. (Smudge....'in Kidbrooke and Bexleyheath!'). Steve dispelled the myth that he had actually got lost in IKEA. Tim had been absent with a bad knee that he had been carrying for a few weeks. Tim and Karen had been married the previous day and many of the squad had been at the registry office and the Partridge Pub afterwards. This may have had a bearing on the result.
Due to our customary organisation we had to kick off with the first 11 on the pitch as some were waiting for their kit to arrive and time was ebbing away. Sometimes in football, teams take a while to get going - this was one of those times. The opposition had strengthened since our last meeting and were 'up' for the game. Generally quicker to the ball they dominated play and scored after around 10 minutes. The shot took a deflection on its way into the net. This ruined Mark's day as this was the first goal he had conceded in 4 consecutive games (Tamponians record). We gradually improved as the half went on but didn't really look threatening. We, did however, equalise with a well taken goal. Taz drove a long and enticing cross into the penalty area which was headed back across the goal keeper into the corner of the net. Picture book stuff but unfortunately it was their right back who scored under no pressure from any Tamponian player.
Half time resulted in numerous changes in addition to the ones that had taken place during the first half. The game was quite scrappy with Wellcome being the more threatening team. We had a goal ruled off side when clean through on goal Roy passed rather than shoot. This shocked the Tampons as they can't remember the last time Roy passed rather than shoot! With the score at 1-1 this proved to be a decisive moment. They scored a well taken second goal and to wrap up the game their centre forward rounded our keeper to slot home whilst the defence claimed off side. However they were wrong as the linesman was Graham, who as we all know never makes a mistake (and he was reading a travel brochure about his trip to New Zealand on Tuesday).
Well played Wellcome and lets look forward to a better performance next week. Good performances from Steve Lockett considering he had been out for a long time and only expected to play a half, and from Micky Puplitt. Good to see Tim back. As always the team retired to the bar for good food, ale and hospitality which makes this fixture so enjoyable.
Team scores: Mark the Goal keeper (7), Taj (6), Jimmy the Cheese (6), Tony Nutts (7), Smudger Smith (7), Tim Davies (6), East Bank Richard (6), Michael ‘Pirate’ Puplitt (8), Colin the Pink (6), Roy of the Rovers (6), Sir Clive Bentley (6), Mark the Bike (6), Ainsley Stokes (5), Mickey Hernia Smith (6), Steve Lockett (8) Guru Graham (10 - unused sub)
Due to our customary organisation we had to kick off with the first 11 on the pitch as some were waiting for their kit to arrive and time was ebbing away. Sometimes in football, teams take a while to get going - this was one of those times. The opposition had strengthened since our last meeting and were 'up' for the game. Generally quicker to the ball they dominated play and scored after around 10 minutes. The shot took a deflection on its way into the net. This ruined Mark's day as this was the first goal he had conceded in 4 consecutive games (Tamponians record). We gradually improved as the half went on but didn't really look threatening. We, did however, equalise with a well taken goal. Taz drove a long and enticing cross into the penalty area which was headed back across the goal keeper into the corner of the net. Picture book stuff but unfortunately it was their right back who scored under no pressure from any Tamponian player.
Half time resulted in numerous changes in addition to the ones that had taken place during the first half. The game was quite scrappy with Wellcome being the more threatening team. We had a goal ruled off side when clean through on goal Roy passed rather than shoot. This shocked the Tampons as they can't remember the last time Roy passed rather than shoot! With the score at 1-1 this proved to be a decisive moment. They scored a well taken second goal and to wrap up the game their centre forward rounded our keeper to slot home whilst the defence claimed off side. However they were wrong as the linesman was Graham, who as we all know never makes a mistake (and he was reading a travel brochure about his trip to New Zealand on Tuesday).
Well played Wellcome and lets look forward to a better performance next week. Good performances from Steve Lockett considering he had been out for a long time and only expected to play a half, and from Micky Puplitt. Good to see Tim back. As always the team retired to the bar for good food, ale and hospitality which makes this fixture so enjoyable.
Team scores: Mark the Goal keeper (7), Taj (6), Jimmy the Cheese (6), Tony Nutts (7), Smudger Smith (7), Tim Davies (6), East Bank Richard (6), Michael ‘Pirate’ Puplitt (8), Colin the Pink (6), Roy of the Rovers (6), Sir Clive Bentley (6), Mark the Bike (6), Ainsley Stokes (5), Mickey Hernia Smith (6), Steve Lockett (8) Guru Graham (10 - unused sub)
Their one legged midfield player continued to run rings around us
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Wallace and Grommet fight post match depression
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Professor M Puplitt - DVD (dishons) in bar
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Guru and leader - proving he is ambidextrous
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OTVFC v Catford Wanderers
Sunday 10th February 2013
Catford Wanderers, behind Homebase, Peter Pan Pond, Bellingham
Catford Wanderer 1 (0) - Old Tamponians 4 (2)
Match Report: Steve Lockett
A match full of comedy goals and little evidence of the beautiful game was played out at the Homebase Ground on Sunday with the Tamps winning 4 – 1. An inconsistent yet workman like performance saw the Tampons through to a half time lead over their younger opponents. “You don’t win anything with kids” and so it was in this game. During the few moments of “pass and move” the Tamps breached the Wanderers defence but with no end result. It wasn’t until Clive was gifted with a chance that the elder statesmen of this fixture took the lead.
A two goal cushion was all the incentive the Tamps needed to give away a goal early in the second half. Mark, who is enjoying a rich vein of form between the posts, attempted a mighty kick at the ball in an attempt to clear it away from the six yard box. The result was a miss timed swipe that sent the ball floating like an inebriated shuttlecock between Mitch (a half time substitute) and the oncoming Wanderers forward. Mitch appeared to be suffering some form of Petit Mal (presumably brought on by his overnight train journey from across the border) as he made a tentative attempt move the ball on. Unfortunately and after some bobbling between feet and legs, the Wanderers twelve year old forward hammered the ball home from three feet.
The next twenty minutes was fraught with nervous possession and the occasional Tourette’s outburst from the ursine” Smudger” Smith most especially when possession was lost easily (not even a prickly pear could ease his pain). It must be noted that he and Taz were the spiritual and physical backbone of the team during this period of collective ineptitude. In midfield Steve Lockett became increasingly hearing impaired to the desperate pleas of Clive to “turn”, although Mickey Smith (The Landed Gentry School of Soccer) remained a prime example of perpetual motion. Richard stubbornly maintained his “northerness” with a permanent dour expression whilst Mark “the bike” cemented his reputation as the enigma of the team with increasing mystery surrounding the question “when will he pass the ball?” Colin tackled like a man possessed (by Paul Scholes) and took every opportunity to turn and shoot at goal.
Up front Clive was a constant threat and during one magical moment controlled the ball and in one motion turned and hit a low drive only to see the “throwback” goalkeeper palm it away for a corner. Ainsley maintained an aloof and sardonic expression whilst performing the occasional deft touch. Jimmy “Mr. Music” was busy at full back and occasionally found a team mate with a pass.
The Tampons finally found harmony with the injection of irony in the shape of Tim Van Basten. His blasts of highly educated one liners (mostly from the touchline) began to confuse the young Wanderers although it must be said that this was also the case for his team mates. This is a remarkable achievement as he is still recovering from a recent “newly married” wallet injury.
Armed with a greater sense of humour the Tampons began to control the game and with two more comic own goals from the Wanderers they took control.
A deserved victory was enjoyed by the Tampons despite the absence of the “The Guvnor” Lawrence who is in New Zealand seeking out Pete Brough to shore up the back four.
Mark (6), Jim (6), Taj(7), The Great Bear(7), Mitch (6), Tim(6), Richard(6), Colin(6), Mark “Enigma” (6) Clive(7) Ainsley(6) Steve(6) Lord Smith of Roan(7)
Catford Wanderers, behind Homebase, Peter Pan Pond, Bellingham
Catford Wanderer 1 (0) - Old Tamponians 4 (2)
Match Report: Steve Lockett
A match full of comedy goals and little evidence of the beautiful game was played out at the Homebase Ground on Sunday with the Tamps winning 4 – 1. An inconsistent yet workman like performance saw the Tampons through to a half time lead over their younger opponents. “You don’t win anything with kids” and so it was in this game. During the few moments of “pass and move” the Tamps breached the Wanderers defence but with no end result. It wasn’t until Clive was gifted with a chance that the elder statesmen of this fixture took the lead.
A two goal cushion was all the incentive the Tamps needed to give away a goal early in the second half. Mark, who is enjoying a rich vein of form between the posts, attempted a mighty kick at the ball in an attempt to clear it away from the six yard box. The result was a miss timed swipe that sent the ball floating like an inebriated shuttlecock between Mitch (a half time substitute) and the oncoming Wanderers forward. Mitch appeared to be suffering some form of Petit Mal (presumably brought on by his overnight train journey from across the border) as he made a tentative attempt move the ball on. Unfortunately and after some bobbling between feet and legs, the Wanderers twelve year old forward hammered the ball home from three feet.
The next twenty minutes was fraught with nervous possession and the occasional Tourette’s outburst from the ursine” Smudger” Smith most especially when possession was lost easily (not even a prickly pear could ease his pain). It must be noted that he and Taz were the spiritual and physical backbone of the team during this period of collective ineptitude. In midfield Steve Lockett became increasingly hearing impaired to the desperate pleas of Clive to “turn”, although Mickey Smith (The Landed Gentry School of Soccer) remained a prime example of perpetual motion. Richard stubbornly maintained his “northerness” with a permanent dour expression whilst Mark “the bike” cemented his reputation as the enigma of the team with increasing mystery surrounding the question “when will he pass the ball?” Colin tackled like a man possessed (by Paul Scholes) and took every opportunity to turn and shoot at goal.
Up front Clive was a constant threat and during one magical moment controlled the ball and in one motion turned and hit a low drive only to see the “throwback” goalkeeper palm it away for a corner. Ainsley maintained an aloof and sardonic expression whilst performing the occasional deft touch. Jimmy “Mr. Music” was busy at full back and occasionally found a team mate with a pass.
The Tampons finally found harmony with the injection of irony in the shape of Tim Van Basten. His blasts of highly educated one liners (mostly from the touchline) began to confuse the young Wanderers although it must be said that this was also the case for his team mates. This is a remarkable achievement as he is still recovering from a recent “newly married” wallet injury.
Armed with a greater sense of humour the Tampons began to control the game and with two more comic own goals from the Wanderers they took control.
A deserved victory was enjoyed by the Tampons despite the absence of the “The Guvnor” Lawrence who is in New Zealand seeking out Pete Brough to shore up the back four.
Mark (6), Jim (6), Taj(7), The Great Bear(7), Mitch (6), Tim(6), Richard(6), Colin(6), Mark “Enigma” (6) Clive(7) Ainsley(6) Steve(6) Lord Smith of Roan(7)
OTVFC v Toby
Sunday 24th February 2013
Samuel Montague Boys Club (All weather pitch)
Score: W 1 - 0
Scorer: Podge
Match Report: Podge
They say that History is written by the victorious.
Despite the familiar locale, this was in fact an away fixture. Toby had the advantage both in age (15 years a man) and numbers (half-a-dozen subs). The Tamps meanwhile were struggling to put together a kit (lost in Swanley with our man-with-a-van), and 11 fit players. This was despite being told we had 15 on Thursday night! In the end we made do with 10, the extra place being covered by Richard and Roy (who come as a pair anyway), but both were carrying injuries.
Like William at Hastings, the Tamps decided to charge up the hill, and scored with almost their first foray into the opposition area. The ball was worked swiftly down the right channel, and when the cross came in a Toby hand impeded its flight. A stonewall penalty which no-one disputed. Everyone then took this opportunity to stare at their feet, such was the reluctance to take on the burden of responsibility. This state of events was only ended when Tim remembered he was a Headmaster, and in his best authoritorial voice ordered Podger to take the kick. The 'keeper then did the decent thing and got out of the way of the shot. 1-0!
Almost straight from the kick-off, Richard succumbed to his particular ailment, and was replaced by Roy, whose own knee was obviously causing him problems. This can be the only explanation for him not finishing off the move of the match.
The game had settled into a pattern, with the Tamps trying to pass the ball to someone in a shirt that looked like their own, and Toby lumping the ball from the back up to their 2 'quick' forwards. Smudge, Taz and Tim coped with this easily enough, and at all times looked to counter attack. On one such occasion, the ball was passed through midfiled and back, where Podge injected some pace into the play, making a 1-2 with Ainsley before slipping Roy in on goal. His shot [predictably] failed to hit the target. Other chances came and went, with no-one quite sure how one Ainsley effort (or was it two or three?) failed to go in.
The second half saw Toby starting to pile on the pressure, with their team (now at an advantage of 20 years a man after they brought on even more of their youngsters and the Tamps brought on Jim), not giving the Tamps time on the ball to play their way out of trouble. The Tamps were tiring, but Mark in goal still hadn't had to make a save. However, the pressure was telling and something had to give.
Podge had been in outburst-mode for a while, but when Smudge started joining in (a full Wreck-It Ralph moment), Jimmy was the poor recipient of a double-barrel blast. Smudger apologised after the game, but as he said at the time "I REALLY want to win this game". Not to be left out, Roy (who had been performing assistant referee duties) threw his flag to the ground, as he was being ignored. Richard took up the mantle, and every time HE raised his flag the whistle blew!
With time running out, Toby broke away with Podge woefully out of position. They looked certain to equalise until Mark psyched out the forward in the 1-on-1 and pushed the shot away for a corner.
After that, time ran out with the Tamps goal not being bothered again. A victory for football!
Stats from the game:
Steve Lockett - nutmegs (3)
Richard - total minutes played (7)
Goalposts [literally] moved (1)
Samuel Montague Boys Club (All weather pitch)
Score: W 1 - 0
Scorer: Podge
Match Report: Podge
They say that History is written by the victorious.
Despite the familiar locale, this was in fact an away fixture. Toby had the advantage both in age (15 years a man) and numbers (half-a-dozen subs). The Tamps meanwhile were struggling to put together a kit (lost in Swanley with our man-with-a-van), and 11 fit players. This was despite being told we had 15 on Thursday night! In the end we made do with 10, the extra place being covered by Richard and Roy (who come as a pair anyway), but both were carrying injuries.
Like William at Hastings, the Tamps decided to charge up the hill, and scored with almost their first foray into the opposition area. The ball was worked swiftly down the right channel, and when the cross came in a Toby hand impeded its flight. A stonewall penalty which no-one disputed. Everyone then took this opportunity to stare at their feet, such was the reluctance to take on the burden of responsibility. This state of events was only ended when Tim remembered he was a Headmaster, and in his best authoritorial voice ordered Podger to take the kick. The 'keeper then did the decent thing and got out of the way of the shot. 1-0!
Almost straight from the kick-off, Richard succumbed to his particular ailment, and was replaced by Roy, whose own knee was obviously causing him problems. This can be the only explanation for him not finishing off the move of the match.
The game had settled into a pattern, with the Tamps trying to pass the ball to someone in a shirt that looked like their own, and Toby lumping the ball from the back up to their 2 'quick' forwards. Smudge, Taz and Tim coped with this easily enough, and at all times looked to counter attack. On one such occasion, the ball was passed through midfiled and back, where Podge injected some pace into the play, making a 1-2 with Ainsley before slipping Roy in on goal. His shot [predictably] failed to hit the target. Other chances came and went, with no-one quite sure how one Ainsley effort (or was it two or three?) failed to go in.
The second half saw Toby starting to pile on the pressure, with their team (now at an advantage of 20 years a man after they brought on even more of their youngsters and the Tamps brought on Jim), not giving the Tamps time on the ball to play their way out of trouble. The Tamps were tiring, but Mark in goal still hadn't had to make a save. However, the pressure was telling and something had to give.
Podge had been in outburst-mode for a while, but when Smudge started joining in (a full Wreck-It Ralph moment), Jimmy was the poor recipient of a double-barrel blast. Smudger apologised after the game, but as he said at the time "I REALLY want to win this game". Not to be left out, Roy (who had been performing assistant referee duties) threw his flag to the ground, as he was being ignored. Richard took up the mantle, and every time HE raised his flag the whistle blew!
With time running out, Toby broke away with Podge woefully out of position. They looked certain to equalise until Mark psyched out the forward in the 1-on-1 and pushed the shot away for a corner.
After that, time ran out with the Tamps goal not being bothered again. A victory for football!
Stats from the game:
Steve Lockett - nutmegs (3)
Richard - total minutes played (7)
Goalposts [literally] moved (1)
OTVFC v SANCO
Sunday 3rd March
Griffin Sports, Dulwich
Score: Lost 3 - 1
Scorer: Good Graham
Match Report: Graham Lawrance 9 3/4
Griffin Sports, Dulwich
Score: Lost 3 - 1
Scorer: Good Graham
Match Report: Graham Lawrance 9 3/4
OTVFC v Greenwich Challenge
Sunday 10th March 2013
Samuel Montague Boys Club (All weather pitch)
Score: D 5 - 5
Scorer: Scholesy, Taj, Podge (pen), Ainsley, Biker Mark
Match Report: Smudger
It was the best of games, it was the worst of games, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness (Quote taken from the soon to be released book 'A tale of two halves')
On a very cold, windy morning, the old men of OTVFC took on the younger opposition of Greenwich Challenge. Before the game started the whole squad took part in a photo shoot on behalf of Heineken. Standing around for a few minutes in the freezing cold and biting wind, with a cold bottle of the aforementioned larger in our hands was not the best way to prepare for the game ahead. Sir Alex would never have allowed it, Cloughie would have championed it (as long as the drink was consumed before ko).
OTVFC took early control with our slick passing game. Biker Mark and Scholesy had lots of the ball without ever being able to deliver a telling cross, the back four of Jimmy the cheese, Podge, Smudge and Taj, were looking comfortable and moving the ball around very nicely, Mr Lockett and DVD Mick had a toe hold in midfield, and the strikers Clive and Ains were moving the oppo defence round and creating space, the Gaffer was singing our praises from the touchline (never a good sign!) then a long ball over the top, their young 30 something striker is through on goal and we are 0-1 down. A tactical change from Smudger, swapping Biker and Scholesy had immediate results and a cross from Scholesy ended up in the back of the net 1-1. The goal of the game from Taj followed, from a GC corner a flick from Clive set Podge away on a run covering 3/4 of the pitch, he rolled the ball into Taj, who finished with aplomb. Half time and we lead 2-1.
Tactical changes saw the Gaffer come on to make his 700th appearance for the OTVFC and we also saw the appearance of our Guest player Toby Chris. Within a couple of minutes of the restart it was 2-2, the back four union thought it was way offside, the lino said no, then from a corner Taj lost his man who had a free header, 3-2, the irony being that the ball went through the legs of Mr Lockett (no cry of ''MEGS'' this time) and thus began a sequence of defending that could only have come out of the Keystone cops manual on football. An underhit back pass saw Scholesy hauled back and a penalty given. The Gaffer, full of bravado on Thursday, declined the opportunity to take the penalty. Podge tucked it away, 3-3. We then got back on top and opened up the GC defence a few times without being able to convert the chances, a bit of pinball in the box ended with Ains stooping to head passed the keeper 4-3, the game was ours, or maybe not, DVD Mick got in a tangle, gave a poor pass to the Gaffer, he did the same to Mr Lockett, this passage of play ended with an ugly challenge, from an ugly player, Toby Chris manage to fell their large forward with an awful tackle. Some said that this was the norm for a Toby player, but it will not be tolerated at the OTVFC (Scholesy take note!) Mark the goalkeeper then built his wall, left a bit, right a bit, and then like a master brick layer he seemed to stand behind the wall to admire his work. As he did this the GC player passed the ball into unguarded right side of the goal 4-4. The coup-de-grace was supplied by the Gaffer, he said that he wanted to celebrate his 700th appearance with a goal. Having declined the penalty he did the next best thing, sticking out a knee to double his OG's for the season; he said he couldn't swing his right leg at it due to a dodgy hip which along with near blindness and deafness in one ear must qualify him for the paralympics football team in 2016 (PLEASE!!) 4-5. The scoreline was concluded with another underhit back pass that Biker latched onto and rolled into the empty net.
Phew! a game to bring the crowds back, surely nothing else could happen, but wait, 2mins from the end one of the GC players took a huge swipe at Biker, connecting and sending him sprawling. A minor altercation look place, Biker putting the oppo into some sort of headlock and ruffling his hair. Oh no I thought, if he moves onto a chinese burn Aggro will have no option but to show a red card, but common sense prevailed (not a sentence often used when Aggro is involved!) , and despite some industrial language from the Biker the situation was defused and the game ended in a 5-5 draw.
Some will say that football was the winner. It wasn't.
Back to the club for some sausage ends (where do they buy them from?), sandwiches and chips, a couple of pints of Guinness, some banter, and the weekly urine taking of the Gaffer.
A great feat (should that be foot, as he only uses the one!) for the Gaffter to reach 700 appearances, here's to the next 700 (only joking chaps).
Mark-6, Jim the cheese-6, Podge-8, Smudger-7, Taj-7, Biker-6, DVD Mick-6, Mr Lockett-7 Scholesy-6, Clive-6, Ains-6, The Gaffer-6, Toby Chris-6.
Biker would have got more if he had landed a worthwhile punch (more George Formby than George Foreman!) The Gaffer's 6 is all down to comedy value and Toby Chris would have scored less but in his defence he said ''I knew it was late but I got there as soon as I could''
Onto next Sunday where we will continue to adhere to the words of those legendary football guru's Bananarama- It's not what you do it's the way that you do it.......that's what gets results.
Samuel Montague Boys Club (All weather pitch)
Score: D 5 - 5
Scorer: Scholesy, Taj, Podge (pen), Ainsley, Biker Mark
Match Report: Smudger
It was the best of games, it was the worst of games, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness (Quote taken from the soon to be released book 'A tale of two halves')
On a very cold, windy morning, the old men of OTVFC took on the younger opposition of Greenwich Challenge. Before the game started the whole squad took part in a photo shoot on behalf of Heineken. Standing around for a few minutes in the freezing cold and biting wind, with a cold bottle of the aforementioned larger in our hands was not the best way to prepare for the game ahead. Sir Alex would never have allowed it, Cloughie would have championed it (as long as the drink was consumed before ko).
OTVFC took early control with our slick passing game. Biker Mark and Scholesy had lots of the ball without ever being able to deliver a telling cross, the back four of Jimmy the cheese, Podge, Smudge and Taj, were looking comfortable and moving the ball around very nicely, Mr Lockett and DVD Mick had a toe hold in midfield, and the strikers Clive and Ains were moving the oppo defence round and creating space, the Gaffer was singing our praises from the touchline (never a good sign!) then a long ball over the top, their young 30 something striker is through on goal and we are 0-1 down. A tactical change from Smudger, swapping Biker and Scholesy had immediate results and a cross from Scholesy ended up in the back of the net 1-1. The goal of the game from Taj followed, from a GC corner a flick from Clive set Podge away on a run covering 3/4 of the pitch, he rolled the ball into Taj, who finished with aplomb. Half time and we lead 2-1.
Tactical changes saw the Gaffer come on to make his 700th appearance for the OTVFC and we also saw the appearance of our Guest player Toby Chris. Within a couple of minutes of the restart it was 2-2, the back four union thought it was way offside, the lino said no, then from a corner Taj lost his man who had a free header, 3-2, the irony being that the ball went through the legs of Mr Lockett (no cry of ''MEGS'' this time) and thus began a sequence of defending that could only have come out of the Keystone cops manual on football. An underhit back pass saw Scholesy hauled back and a penalty given. The Gaffer, full of bravado on Thursday, declined the opportunity to take the penalty. Podge tucked it away, 3-3. We then got back on top and opened up the GC defence a few times without being able to convert the chances, a bit of pinball in the box ended with Ains stooping to head passed the keeper 4-3, the game was ours, or maybe not, DVD Mick got in a tangle, gave a poor pass to the Gaffer, he did the same to Mr Lockett, this passage of play ended with an ugly challenge, from an ugly player, Toby Chris manage to fell their large forward with an awful tackle. Some said that this was the norm for a Toby player, but it will not be tolerated at the OTVFC (Scholesy take note!) Mark the goalkeeper then built his wall, left a bit, right a bit, and then like a master brick layer he seemed to stand behind the wall to admire his work. As he did this the GC player passed the ball into unguarded right side of the goal 4-4. The coup-de-grace was supplied by the Gaffer, he said that he wanted to celebrate his 700th appearance with a goal. Having declined the penalty he did the next best thing, sticking out a knee to double his OG's for the season; he said he couldn't swing his right leg at it due to a dodgy hip which along with near blindness and deafness in one ear must qualify him for the paralympics football team in 2016 (PLEASE!!) 4-5. The scoreline was concluded with another underhit back pass that Biker latched onto and rolled into the empty net.
Phew! a game to bring the crowds back, surely nothing else could happen, but wait, 2mins from the end one of the GC players took a huge swipe at Biker, connecting and sending him sprawling. A minor altercation look place, Biker putting the oppo into some sort of headlock and ruffling his hair. Oh no I thought, if he moves onto a chinese burn Aggro will have no option but to show a red card, but common sense prevailed (not a sentence often used when Aggro is involved!) , and despite some industrial language from the Biker the situation was defused and the game ended in a 5-5 draw.
Some will say that football was the winner. It wasn't.
Back to the club for some sausage ends (where do they buy them from?), sandwiches and chips, a couple of pints of Guinness, some banter, and the weekly urine taking of the Gaffer.
A great feat (should that be foot, as he only uses the one!) for the Gaffter to reach 700 appearances, here's to the next 700 (only joking chaps).
Mark-6, Jim the cheese-6, Podge-8, Smudger-7, Taj-7, Biker-6, DVD Mick-6, Mr Lockett-7 Scholesy-6, Clive-6, Ains-6, The Gaffer-6, Toby Chris-6.
Biker would have got more if he had landed a worthwhile punch (more George Formby than George Foreman!) The Gaffer's 6 is all down to comedy value and Toby Chris would have scored less but in his defence he said ''I knew it was late but I got there as soon as I could''
Onto next Sunday where we will continue to adhere to the words of those legendary football guru's Bananarama- It's not what you do it's the way that you do it.......that's what gets results.
OTVFC v OTVFC young vets
Sunday 17th March 2013
Samuel Montague Boys Club (All weather pitch)
Score: L 5 - 0
Scorer:
Match Report: Private Walker, aka Michael Puplett
Who do you think you are kidding Mr Lawerence…….
On an overcast dank Sunday Morning, the boys from Walmington on sea were given their orders. A match against a younger , fitter and faster Old Tamps young vets.
Much like The Dirty Dozen it was a mission that had little chance of success, and where as Lee Marvin had 12 we had a patched up bare 11.
As soon as we got under way you could tell it was going to be a tough 90 minutes. Played faster than we're used to we found it hard to get a stamp on the game, with passes going astray and space at a premium , it wasn't long before we were 1-0 down. This seemed to act as a wake up call, we managed to string a few passes together , shorten the game and use the flanks. Wingers Jimmy and Taj were excellent up and down more times than a brides nightie. Mark the bike found pockets of space which helped Stevie Lockett and Mick the pirate in midfield. As much as we had the ball in the middle of the park we never really threatened their goal, which gave the oppo more chance to push up. 20 mins in their pressure paid again we were now 2-0 down. This is how it stayed until half time.
After a slice of sister Dolly's Battenburg cake we were ready to 'stick it up em' in the second half……
But that's not what happened, before the newly applied vic had even reached my nostrils we'd given away a penalty , 3-0. Heads didn't drop which was good to see, and if anything we started to battle harder. The old war horse Micky Smith started a game for the first time in a long while, he lent a measure of composure to a stretched back four, his positive attitude was a tonic and for 20 minutes of the second half we played some nice football.
Clive up front was always isolated, but he never stopped running and coming deep to make things happen. Smudger, el Capitan started to press the game into the oppo's half, a sprinkling of free kicks and corners still had little effect. As the half hour approached legs began to tire and gaps in the defence started to appear.
Playing the offside game is dangerous at the best of times ( Even more so if Roy is your linesman), this was the cause of goals 4 and 5. The game was up, we'd huffed and puffed as much as we could but we were on empty. The match had taken it's toll on poor old Tim and our very own 'Private Godfrey' Graham, as the pair left the field I was reminded of and old episode of 'Animal Magic' where Johnny Morris paid a visit to Regents Park zoo to see two baby Giraffes start to walk.
Next week will be a different story…..'Don't panic'…It's Wellcome
You have been watching…
Mark the keeper 7 , Tim 7 , Smudger 7 , Micky Smith 8 , Graham 7 , Taj 8 , Mick 'the pirate' 7, Stevie Lockett 7, Jimmy the Cheese 8, Mark the bike 8, Sir Clive 7
Samuel Montague Boys Club (All weather pitch)
Score: L 5 - 0
Scorer:
Match Report: Private Walker, aka Michael Puplett
Who do you think you are kidding Mr Lawerence…….
On an overcast dank Sunday Morning, the boys from Walmington on sea were given their orders. A match against a younger , fitter and faster Old Tamps young vets.
Much like The Dirty Dozen it was a mission that had little chance of success, and where as Lee Marvin had 12 we had a patched up bare 11.
As soon as we got under way you could tell it was going to be a tough 90 minutes. Played faster than we're used to we found it hard to get a stamp on the game, with passes going astray and space at a premium , it wasn't long before we were 1-0 down. This seemed to act as a wake up call, we managed to string a few passes together , shorten the game and use the flanks. Wingers Jimmy and Taj were excellent up and down more times than a brides nightie. Mark the bike found pockets of space which helped Stevie Lockett and Mick the pirate in midfield. As much as we had the ball in the middle of the park we never really threatened their goal, which gave the oppo more chance to push up. 20 mins in their pressure paid again we were now 2-0 down. This is how it stayed until half time.
After a slice of sister Dolly's Battenburg cake we were ready to 'stick it up em' in the second half……
But that's not what happened, before the newly applied vic had even reached my nostrils we'd given away a penalty , 3-0. Heads didn't drop which was good to see, and if anything we started to battle harder. The old war horse Micky Smith started a game for the first time in a long while, he lent a measure of composure to a stretched back four, his positive attitude was a tonic and for 20 minutes of the second half we played some nice football.
Clive up front was always isolated, but he never stopped running and coming deep to make things happen. Smudger, el Capitan started to press the game into the oppo's half, a sprinkling of free kicks and corners still had little effect. As the half hour approached legs began to tire and gaps in the defence started to appear.
Playing the offside game is dangerous at the best of times ( Even more so if Roy is your linesman), this was the cause of goals 4 and 5. The game was up, we'd huffed and puffed as much as we could but we were on empty. The match had taken it's toll on poor old Tim and our very own 'Private Godfrey' Graham, as the pair left the field I was reminded of and old episode of 'Animal Magic' where Johnny Morris paid a visit to Regents Park zoo to see two baby Giraffes start to walk.
Next week will be a different story…..'Don't panic'…It's Wellcome
You have been watching…
Mark the keeper 7 , Tim 7 , Smudger 7 , Micky Smith 8 , Graham 7 , Taj 8 , Mick 'the pirate' 7, Stevie Lockett 7, Jimmy the Cheese 8, Mark the bike 8, Sir Clive 7
OTVFC v Wellcome
Sunday 24th March 2013
Beckenham Cricket Club, Foxglove Road
Wellcome (0) 2 v Old Tamponians (1) 1
Match Report: Steve Rogers
BEWARE THE ICE OF MARCH
A few weeks after suffering defeat at the hands of Welcome Tamps returned to the scene of the crime aiming to exact revenge. A snow covered pitch looked daunting but played surprisingly well.
For yours truly the realisation of a boyhood dream was bestowed upon my arrival at the ground. In the absence of the gaffer (away on another romantic break with the lovely Hilary – where does he get his stamina from?) the title of interim manager!. Denied the extensive and meticulous planning of ‘our glorious leader’ I surveyed the dressing room to see a blend of experience and more experience (over 700 years in total) and immediately thought ‘what would Graham do’? The first 11 players to emerge were ushered onto the pitch and urged to spread themselves about a bit whereupon Smudge then rearranged them into some sort of football formation.
The first half began and despite Welcome being quite snarly Tamps looked the better side. Solid at the back against two lively forwards, oozing class in midfield (and in Stevie Lockett’s case Rioja) and a threat up front we began to fashion chances – First an Ainsley header crashed back off the underside of the bar thus preventing his seventh million goal for the team. Then another excellent header across the area saw Scholesey arriving Scholeslike and heading into the top corner. 1-0 to the Tamps, in control and bossing the game - as half time arrived it was clear to all that managerial genius was required-what would Graham do? . However 3 substitutions and a number of positional changes appeared to have little effect as Tamps continued to fashion chances and in hindsight really needed to take one . As the half wore on the icy northern winds gusted stronger, the slope grew steeper and Tamps were pinned back in their own half. The referee then opted to award Welcome a very soft free kick and from 30 yards the cross/shot arrowed into the top corner. 1-1. Sadly from this moment on there looked only one likely winner and with ten minutes left the great Roymondo presumably still jaded after his recent adult weekend to Butlins carelessly gave the ball away – maybe the defence could have covered?, maybe Mark the goalie had a clash moment? (should I stay or should I go now) but the result was the ball rolling into the net 2-1 and a disappointing defeat.
The morning wasn’t a total disaster as we retired to the bar for mini pizza, ale and whole sausages and managed to secure a contract to buy the ends for the whole of next season. The Veuve Cliquot ‘have it’ champagne moment went to Mickey Hernia for needlessly booting the ball 100 yards across the adjacent pitch and mention in despatches for Stevie L (1 nuts) and Ugly Toby Chris for only one bad challenge.
It took some time after the final whistle but finally we declared a moral victory and my stats as interim manager stand as played 1 morally won 1. I remain confident that when I meet the board later in the week they may well be looking to remove the word ‘interim’.
As I left the car park I heard the joyous singing led by biker Mark of ‘you don’t know what you’re doing ‘ and ‘sacked in the morning’ - I thought what would Graham do? I know - turn the radio up and claim deafness
Easy this managing lark!
Team scores: Mark the Goalkeeper (6) Taj (6) Ugly Chris (7) Smudger Smith (7) Mitch the Merciless (6) Mickey DVD (7) Scholesey (6), Roymondo (6) Sir Clive Bentley (6) Mark the Bike (6) Ainsley (7) Stevie L (7) Mickey Hernia (7) Tim Van Basten (6)
Beckenham Cricket Club, Foxglove Road
Wellcome (0) 2 v Old Tamponians (1) 1
Match Report: Steve Rogers
BEWARE THE ICE OF MARCH
A few weeks after suffering defeat at the hands of Welcome Tamps returned to the scene of the crime aiming to exact revenge. A snow covered pitch looked daunting but played surprisingly well.
For yours truly the realisation of a boyhood dream was bestowed upon my arrival at the ground. In the absence of the gaffer (away on another romantic break with the lovely Hilary – where does he get his stamina from?) the title of interim manager!. Denied the extensive and meticulous planning of ‘our glorious leader’ I surveyed the dressing room to see a blend of experience and more experience (over 700 years in total) and immediately thought ‘what would Graham do’? The first 11 players to emerge were ushered onto the pitch and urged to spread themselves about a bit whereupon Smudge then rearranged them into some sort of football formation.
The first half began and despite Welcome being quite snarly Tamps looked the better side. Solid at the back against two lively forwards, oozing class in midfield (and in Stevie Lockett’s case Rioja) and a threat up front we began to fashion chances – First an Ainsley header crashed back off the underside of the bar thus preventing his seventh million goal for the team. Then another excellent header across the area saw Scholesey arriving Scholeslike and heading into the top corner. 1-0 to the Tamps, in control and bossing the game - as half time arrived it was clear to all that managerial genius was required-what would Graham do? . However 3 substitutions and a number of positional changes appeared to have little effect as Tamps continued to fashion chances and in hindsight really needed to take one . As the half wore on the icy northern winds gusted stronger, the slope grew steeper and Tamps were pinned back in their own half. The referee then opted to award Welcome a very soft free kick and from 30 yards the cross/shot arrowed into the top corner. 1-1. Sadly from this moment on there looked only one likely winner and with ten minutes left the great Roymondo presumably still jaded after his recent adult weekend to Butlins carelessly gave the ball away – maybe the defence could have covered?, maybe Mark the goalie had a clash moment? (should I stay or should I go now) but the result was the ball rolling into the net 2-1 and a disappointing defeat.
The morning wasn’t a total disaster as we retired to the bar for mini pizza, ale and whole sausages and managed to secure a contract to buy the ends for the whole of next season. The Veuve Cliquot ‘have it’ champagne moment went to Mickey Hernia for needlessly booting the ball 100 yards across the adjacent pitch and mention in despatches for Stevie L (1 nuts) and Ugly Toby Chris for only one bad challenge.
It took some time after the final whistle but finally we declared a moral victory and my stats as interim manager stand as played 1 morally won 1. I remain confident that when I meet the board later in the week they may well be looking to remove the word ‘interim’.
As I left the car park I heard the joyous singing led by biker Mark of ‘you don’t know what you’re doing ‘ and ‘sacked in the morning’ - I thought what would Graham do? I know - turn the radio up and claim deafness
Easy this managing lark!
Team scores: Mark the Goalkeeper (6) Taj (6) Ugly Chris (7) Smudger Smith (7) Mitch the Merciless (6) Mickey DVD (7) Scholesey (6), Roymondo (6) Sir Clive Bentley (6) Mark the Bike (6) Ainsley (7) Stevie L (7) Mickey Hernia (7) Tim Van Basten (6)
OTVFC Vs Crofton Albion
Sunday 31st March
Crofton Albion Sports and Social Club, Weigall Road
Crofton 3 v Old Tamponians 3
Match Report: Podge
Battle of the Somme/El Alamein/Guadalcanal (depends where you were standing!)
By the time you finish reading this sentence, the Tamps will be two goals down!
The only thing 'fast' about this morning was the three kick-offs inside five minutes. And we hadn't even got out of our half. We could make a number of excuses; the clocks went forward, so technically we should have still been in bed. Too much wine (red & white) had been imbibed the night before. The pitch, that went from a desert to a bog in four strides.
Let's just say we started S-L-O-W-L-Y.
Long story short, we gave the ball away (twice) and were behind. Mark then made a save to stop us conceding a third (again, a defensive error). And with our first foray into the opposition half, a goal! And a good one at that!
Taj and Richard worked a throw-in 'routine' on the right, the cross came over and there was Scholesy with a trade-mark burst across the defender to plant a bullet header in the top corner. Somehow, we were back in this, and if we could keep mistakes to a minimum we might have a chance.
Almost straight away, a free-kick was won on the right (the first of many unseemly challenges by our 'keen' opposition. Move over Scholesy - you've lost your title!). Smudger picked out Taj at the far post, whose header seemed destined to go in. But no, blocked on the line. Wait a minute - yes! A ricochet back off the defender and we were two apiece. Barely fifteen minutes of the match had passed.
We somehow managed to make it to half-time level, and had started [to try] to play some football. But on a pitch with a different terrain in each corner, and an opposition looking to make the game as uncomfortable as possible (is there supposed to be tackling in Vets football? Certainly not waist high!) our fluent passing game, honed to perfection on our plastic pitch, was struggling to make its mark.
[Bad] Graham and Micky Smith came on at half-time. Graham had been running the line in the first-half, on the bit of the pitch that had grass and was reasonably flat. He'd been warned of the state of the pitch he would be playing on, and was soon up to his knees in the quagmire. This was, he said, due to the trees keeping the wind off that bit. A handy bit of info for all you keen gardeners.
The second-half started as the first had ended, with plenty of robust challenges from Crofton. Even 'their' referee had had enough, and warned the number 7 (whom everyone said wasn't that sort of player) that he would be sent off. 'Whose side are you on' asked a defender. Smudge pointed out that as referee he was supposed to be neutral. 'But he should still give every decision to us' came the reply. The Tamps continued to try to play, and were getting on-top. Then after a sustained period of pressure, a goal.
We'd been using the slope to our advantage, and were pushing Crofton deeper and deeper. Then from another cross a clearance was looped from the penalty box. Podge (who was having a terrible game) held off the forward in the race for the ball, and chested down on the half-volley. As the ball hit the turf he turned to his left side, wrongfooting two defenders in the process. A chip, for which the superlative 'sublime' was coined, and the Tamps were miraculously 3-2 ahead. And looking the stronger team.
We were now well on top, and when Clive rounded the keeper and squared for Richard the game was up for Crofton. Richard duly lofted the ball over the bar, with the ghost of Ronny Rosenthal looming (later to be seen on the pre-match build up on the telly). Miss of the season declared all, with Graham claiming 'all bets are off'. Smudge helpfully pointed out that Richard already had miss of the season from a previous game, so had merely cemented his place at the top of the leaderboard.
Having spurned the chance to go two goals clear, the Tamps gave the oppo another gift. Podge (back to his incompetent worst) and Graham got in a mix-up, the ball bounced to their midfielder who produced a chip of his own. 3-3.
Changes were made, with Scholesy and 'the bike' going up-front for Clive and Richard. A free-kick was conceded on the edge of the box. Smudger's shot was parried by the keeper, and Jimmy made a nuisance of himself (the oppo would simply have committed murder!). Mark rounded the keeper, but his shot was scrambled away. The chance was gone, and with it the chance of the win. Graham declared all bets for miss of the season were back on.
A horrible game, played on a horrible pitch. Horribly.
Keeper Mark 7, Jimmy 7, Smudger 6, Taj 6, Podge 3 (all for the goal), Scholesy 6, DVD Mick 8, Chippy Lockett 6, Biker 6, Clive 5, Richard 5 (4 points for comedy value), Graham 7, Lord Michael of Smith 7
Crofton Albion Sports and Social Club, Weigall Road
Crofton 3 v Old Tamponians 3
Match Report: Podge
Battle of the Somme/El Alamein/Guadalcanal (depends where you were standing!)
By the time you finish reading this sentence, the Tamps will be two goals down!
The only thing 'fast' about this morning was the three kick-offs inside five minutes. And we hadn't even got out of our half. We could make a number of excuses; the clocks went forward, so technically we should have still been in bed. Too much wine (red & white) had been imbibed the night before. The pitch, that went from a desert to a bog in four strides.
Let's just say we started S-L-O-W-L-Y.
Long story short, we gave the ball away (twice) and were behind. Mark then made a save to stop us conceding a third (again, a defensive error). And with our first foray into the opposition half, a goal! And a good one at that!
Taj and Richard worked a throw-in 'routine' on the right, the cross came over and there was Scholesy with a trade-mark burst across the defender to plant a bullet header in the top corner. Somehow, we were back in this, and if we could keep mistakes to a minimum we might have a chance.
Almost straight away, a free-kick was won on the right (the first of many unseemly challenges by our 'keen' opposition. Move over Scholesy - you've lost your title!). Smudger picked out Taj at the far post, whose header seemed destined to go in. But no, blocked on the line. Wait a minute - yes! A ricochet back off the defender and we were two apiece. Barely fifteen minutes of the match had passed.
We somehow managed to make it to half-time level, and had started [to try] to play some football. But on a pitch with a different terrain in each corner, and an opposition looking to make the game as uncomfortable as possible (is there supposed to be tackling in Vets football? Certainly not waist high!) our fluent passing game, honed to perfection on our plastic pitch, was struggling to make its mark.
[Bad] Graham and Micky Smith came on at half-time. Graham had been running the line in the first-half, on the bit of the pitch that had grass and was reasonably flat. He'd been warned of the state of the pitch he would be playing on, and was soon up to his knees in the quagmire. This was, he said, due to the trees keeping the wind off that bit. A handy bit of info for all you keen gardeners.
The second-half started as the first had ended, with plenty of robust challenges from Crofton. Even 'their' referee had had enough, and warned the number 7 (whom everyone said wasn't that sort of player) that he would be sent off. 'Whose side are you on' asked a defender. Smudge pointed out that as referee he was supposed to be neutral. 'But he should still give every decision to us' came the reply. The Tamps continued to try to play, and were getting on-top. Then after a sustained period of pressure, a goal.
We'd been using the slope to our advantage, and were pushing Crofton deeper and deeper. Then from another cross a clearance was looped from the penalty box. Podge (who was having a terrible game) held off the forward in the race for the ball, and chested down on the half-volley. As the ball hit the turf he turned to his left side, wrongfooting two defenders in the process. A chip, for which the superlative 'sublime' was coined, and the Tamps were miraculously 3-2 ahead. And looking the stronger team.
We were now well on top, and when Clive rounded the keeper and squared for Richard the game was up for Crofton. Richard duly lofted the ball over the bar, with the ghost of Ronny Rosenthal looming (later to be seen on the pre-match build up on the telly). Miss of the season declared all, with Graham claiming 'all bets are off'. Smudge helpfully pointed out that Richard already had miss of the season from a previous game, so had merely cemented his place at the top of the leaderboard.
Having spurned the chance to go two goals clear, the Tamps gave the oppo another gift. Podge (back to his incompetent worst) and Graham got in a mix-up, the ball bounced to their midfielder who produced a chip of his own. 3-3.
Changes were made, with Scholesy and 'the bike' going up-front for Clive and Richard. A free-kick was conceded on the edge of the box. Smudger's shot was parried by the keeper, and Jimmy made a nuisance of himself (the oppo would simply have committed murder!). Mark rounded the keeper, but his shot was scrambled away. The chance was gone, and with it the chance of the win. Graham declared all bets for miss of the season were back on.
A horrible game, played on a horrible pitch. Horribly.
Keeper Mark 7, Jimmy 7, Smudger 6, Taj 6, Podge 3 (all for the goal), Scholesy 6, DVD Mick 8, Chippy Lockett 6, Biker 6, Clive 5, Richard 5 (4 points for comedy value), Graham 7, Lord Michael of Smith 7
OTVFC v Inter Vyagra
Sunday 7th April 2013
John Roan Playing Fields
Score: 4-1 (H-T 1-0)
Scorers: Taj, Mark the Bike, Jimmy, Graham L
Match report: Mick Smith
It was good to be back home after four months on the road.
On the first truly Spring Sunday of the season and a near perfect playing surface courtesy of Mother Nature (as opposed to Baxter & Lawrance) the Tamps were warmly greeted by a home crowd of 3, consisting of Becky, Lindsey and Biff (who was jogging past). Resplendent in their new, personalised black ‘Anthem Jackets’, the Tamps took to the field looking like a referees’ convention.
The opening 45 minutes was a mixture of nice free-flowing football with occasional bouts of misplaced passes and cock-ups. Overall, the Tamps used the space available on the larger 1st X1 pitch to good effect. The first major incident of the match saw the sad exit of Richard after 7 minutes (beating Charlie Hyam’s record by one minute) when he was struck down by a pulled hamstring or possibly a sniper in the woods.
Mainly thwarted by a solid performance by the back four of Taj, Smudger, Tim and Mitch, Inter Vyagra still crafted some opportunities to score. Goalkeeper Mark was called upon to make an important save from a breakaway, whilst linesman Steve Rogers made the biggest defensive contribution of the half by flagging Vyagra’s rotund No 6 offside as he was about to escape Tim Van Basten’s flailing limbs.
With the midfield largely controlled by the two Michaels, Tamps attacked down both wings, with Jimmy on the right and Colin on the left, from where the only goal of the first half was created; a penetrating cross was met by Jimmy and Biker Mark before being put to bed by Taj who drove the ball in at the rear post.
Half-time featured continued grumblings about the offside decision from the Vyagra boys, which were only halted when referee Brian ‘Aggro’ Hamer threatened to get even angrier than normal. Team changes were made for various tactical and spiteful reasons with Graham ‘Hush Puppy’ Lawrance replacing Alastair ‘Here’s the Linesman’s Flag’ Mitchell, and Steve ‘Iron Lung’ Rogers coming on for Tim ‘Where’s your Mortar Board’ Van Basten.
From the second half restart, Tamps started to take charge of the game and a number of goal chances followed, which mainly ended with Jimmy lashing the ball into the side netting. Eventually, even for the Tamps, a second goal became inevitable. It all started with Goalkeeper Mark in a fine flowing move involving Graham, Micky P, Colin and Clive, and ending up with Biker Mark putting Tamps 2-0 ahead.
Shortly afterwards, in order to maintain interest in the game, Mick (Smith) kindly gave a short pass to an opposition forward in the Tamps penalty area, who duly set up his centre forward colleague to score for Vyagra from close range.
However, at 2-1, Tamps kept their heads and continued to play some neat passing football, with Clive always looking dangerous up front. After several attacking moves, a fine cross field pass from Colin on the left found Jimmy on the edge of the penalty box who, to the surprise of everyone including himself and the goalkeeper, controlled the ball first time before shooting into the corner of the net for the third goal.
With twenty minutes left, the pattern of play became more strung out as legs grew more tired. A further attack by Tamps led to the fourth goal which finally ended Vyagra’s stiff resistance. The ever tireless Clive was brought down for a penalty, and Graham strode forward to confidently dispatch the ball inside the right-hand post.
Tim came back on for the final 20 minutes to see the victory secured, and amused the growing crowd (bolstered by the appearance of Roymond) with a right wing overlap which finished somewhere beyond the touchline and amongst the various woodland creatures nearby.
Overall, it was a competent victory which sets the Tamps up nicely for a run of four further home games – which is longer than the rapidly deteriorating ‘anthem jackets’ are likely to last.
Team line up: Mark the Goalkeeper (7), Taj Mahal (7) , Smudger the Unshaven (7), TVB (7), Kentish Mitch (7), Richard the First Seven Minutes (0), Mick the Generous (7), Michael ‘Pirate’ Puplitt (8), Mark the Bike (7), Jimmy the Various Job Roles (7), Sir Clive Bentley (7) Substitutes: Hush Puppy Graham (7), Colin the Fish (7)
John Roan Playing Fields
Score: 4-1 (H-T 1-0)
Scorers: Taj, Mark the Bike, Jimmy, Graham L
Match report: Mick Smith
It was good to be back home after four months on the road.
On the first truly Spring Sunday of the season and a near perfect playing surface courtesy of Mother Nature (as opposed to Baxter & Lawrance) the Tamps were warmly greeted by a home crowd of 3, consisting of Becky, Lindsey and Biff (who was jogging past). Resplendent in their new, personalised black ‘Anthem Jackets’, the Tamps took to the field looking like a referees’ convention.
The opening 45 minutes was a mixture of nice free-flowing football with occasional bouts of misplaced passes and cock-ups. Overall, the Tamps used the space available on the larger 1st X1 pitch to good effect. The first major incident of the match saw the sad exit of Richard after 7 minutes (beating Charlie Hyam’s record by one minute) when he was struck down by a pulled hamstring or possibly a sniper in the woods.
Mainly thwarted by a solid performance by the back four of Taj, Smudger, Tim and Mitch, Inter Vyagra still crafted some opportunities to score. Goalkeeper Mark was called upon to make an important save from a breakaway, whilst linesman Steve Rogers made the biggest defensive contribution of the half by flagging Vyagra’s rotund No 6 offside as he was about to escape Tim Van Basten’s flailing limbs.
With the midfield largely controlled by the two Michaels, Tamps attacked down both wings, with Jimmy on the right and Colin on the left, from where the only goal of the first half was created; a penetrating cross was met by Jimmy and Biker Mark before being put to bed by Taj who drove the ball in at the rear post.
Half-time featured continued grumblings about the offside decision from the Vyagra boys, which were only halted when referee Brian ‘Aggro’ Hamer threatened to get even angrier than normal. Team changes were made for various tactical and spiteful reasons with Graham ‘Hush Puppy’ Lawrance replacing Alastair ‘Here’s the Linesman’s Flag’ Mitchell, and Steve ‘Iron Lung’ Rogers coming on for Tim ‘Where’s your Mortar Board’ Van Basten.
From the second half restart, Tamps started to take charge of the game and a number of goal chances followed, which mainly ended with Jimmy lashing the ball into the side netting. Eventually, even for the Tamps, a second goal became inevitable. It all started with Goalkeeper Mark in a fine flowing move involving Graham, Micky P, Colin and Clive, and ending up with Biker Mark putting Tamps 2-0 ahead.
Shortly afterwards, in order to maintain interest in the game, Mick (Smith) kindly gave a short pass to an opposition forward in the Tamps penalty area, who duly set up his centre forward colleague to score for Vyagra from close range.
However, at 2-1, Tamps kept their heads and continued to play some neat passing football, with Clive always looking dangerous up front. After several attacking moves, a fine cross field pass from Colin on the left found Jimmy on the edge of the penalty box who, to the surprise of everyone including himself and the goalkeeper, controlled the ball first time before shooting into the corner of the net for the third goal.
With twenty minutes left, the pattern of play became more strung out as legs grew more tired. A further attack by Tamps led to the fourth goal which finally ended Vyagra’s stiff resistance. The ever tireless Clive was brought down for a penalty, and Graham strode forward to confidently dispatch the ball inside the right-hand post.
Tim came back on for the final 20 minutes to see the victory secured, and amused the growing crowd (bolstered by the appearance of Roymond) with a right wing overlap which finished somewhere beyond the touchline and amongst the various woodland creatures nearby.
Overall, it was a competent victory which sets the Tamps up nicely for a run of four further home games – which is longer than the rapidly deteriorating ‘anthem jackets’ are likely to last.
Team line up: Mark the Goalkeeper (7), Taj Mahal (7) , Smudger the Unshaven (7), TVB (7), Kentish Mitch (7), Richard the First Seven Minutes (0), Mick the Generous (7), Michael ‘Pirate’ Puplitt (8), Mark the Bike (7), Jimmy the Various Job Roles (7), Sir Clive Bentley (7) Substitutes: Hush Puppy Graham (7), Colin the Fish (7)
OTVFC v Ashburnham
Sunday 21st April 2013
Samuel Montague
Score: 7 - 0 (H-T 3-0)
Scorers: Clive (2), Mark D (2), DVD Mick, Scholesy, Podge (1)
Match report: Ainsley Stokes
Cup fever gripped the team as the prospect of an appearance in the final beckoned. The opposition were unfortunately a man short so the Boss, forever the Corinthian, said he would give them our best player! The team although being dismayed at this were nevertheless determined to win. Featuring a combination of 'old heads on even older bodies' and relative youth (45), they sullied forth.
The opening twenty minutes proved to be competitive with OT playing the better football. Goals from Clive and Mark put us in a strong position and the addition of a third from Scholesy shortly before half time settled the match. Clive re-opened the competition for miss of the season prematurely thought closed after Richard's effort of a few weeks ago. The second half was rather an anticlimax with further goals from Mark D, Podge (after a sweeping move), a well taken goal by Mick DVD and Clive after good work from Scholesy.
There were three memorable features of the second half. Roy's firm and astute refereeing - although he should really have booked Scholesy for diving in the penalty area. The FA referee assessor watching will have noticed and the chance of Roy officiating at a higher level must now be in doubt despite many bribes offered after the game by OT players. Second highlight was Jimbo running from the half way line with his eyes shut to head the driven centre onto the bar! How he never ran into anyone remains a mystery. Thirdly, despite the Boss giving them our best player, they strangely never passed to him until twenty minutes into the second half. If only they had used him more the outcome could have been so different.
So the final has been reached, ample reward for the hard slog, effort and determination shown by the squad. Competition for places will now be even more intense. Ainsley may regret only watching the game because of a slight cold, and Stevie Lockett missing the action because of 'gout'. (Those five pints of lager after the last game have really taken their toll!)
Many thanks to Roy for refereeing and the Boss for giving them our best player, perhaps a tactic we should use more often?
Team line up: Mark the Goalkeeper (1), Taj Mahal (1) , Smudger the Unshaven (1), TVB (1), Scholesy (0 diving), Podge (1), Micky Smith(1), Michael ‘Pirate’ Puplitt (1), Mark the Bike (10), Jimmy the Various Job Roles (1), Sir Clive Bentley (1) Substitutes: Kentish Mitch (1), Steve Rogers (1)
Samuel Montague
Score: 7 - 0 (H-T 3-0)
Scorers: Clive (2), Mark D (2), DVD Mick, Scholesy, Podge (1)
Match report: Ainsley Stokes
Cup fever gripped the team as the prospect of an appearance in the final beckoned. The opposition were unfortunately a man short so the Boss, forever the Corinthian, said he would give them our best player! The team although being dismayed at this were nevertheless determined to win. Featuring a combination of 'old heads on even older bodies' and relative youth (45), they sullied forth.
The opening twenty minutes proved to be competitive with OT playing the better football. Goals from Clive and Mark put us in a strong position and the addition of a third from Scholesy shortly before half time settled the match. Clive re-opened the competition for miss of the season prematurely thought closed after Richard's effort of a few weeks ago. The second half was rather an anticlimax with further goals from Mark D, Podge (after a sweeping move), a well taken goal by Mick DVD and Clive after good work from Scholesy.
There were three memorable features of the second half. Roy's firm and astute refereeing - although he should really have booked Scholesy for diving in the penalty area. The FA referee assessor watching will have noticed and the chance of Roy officiating at a higher level must now be in doubt despite many bribes offered after the game by OT players. Second highlight was Jimbo running from the half way line with his eyes shut to head the driven centre onto the bar! How he never ran into anyone remains a mystery. Thirdly, despite the Boss giving them our best player, they strangely never passed to him until twenty minutes into the second half. If only they had used him more the outcome could have been so different.
So the final has been reached, ample reward for the hard slog, effort and determination shown by the squad. Competition for places will now be even more intense. Ainsley may regret only watching the game because of a slight cold, and Stevie Lockett missing the action because of 'gout'. (Those five pints of lager after the last game have really taken their toll!)
Many thanks to Roy for refereeing and the Boss for giving them our best player, perhaps a tactic we should use more often?
Team line up: Mark the Goalkeeper (1), Taj Mahal (1) , Smudger the Unshaven (1), TVB (1), Scholesy (0 diving), Podge (1), Micky Smith(1), Michael ‘Pirate’ Puplitt (1), Mark the Bike (10), Jimmy the Various Job Roles (1), Sir Clive Bentley (1) Substitutes: Kentish Mitch (1), Steve Rogers (1)
OTVFC v Charter Diamond
Sunday 20th January 2013
Samuel Montague Boys Club (All weather pitch)
Score: W 1 - 0
Scorer: Taz
Jimbo commented.....' great game Sunday. Thought the back 4 had a great game (Jimbo was in the back 4 - Ed). Smudger seemed to think that they had a better game! (Smudger played for the oppo). With a 16yr old on your tail I didn't do too bad!! Then there was the 15yr old - done alright there and all! All these youngster - think they are older than their YEARS!!! LOL'
Ed - Roy as team manager decided to play in our away strip (Red and Black stripes) because the oppo played in QPR colours - they played in black!!!
Samuel Montague Boys Club (All weather pitch)
Score: W 1 - 0
Scorer: Taz
Jimbo commented.....' great game Sunday. Thought the back 4 had a great game (Jimbo was in the back 4 - Ed). Smudger seemed to think that they had a better game! (Smudger played for the oppo). With a 16yr old on your tail I didn't do too bad!! Then there was the 15yr old - done alright there and all! All these youngster - think they are older than their YEARS!!! LOL'
Ed - Roy as team manager decided to play in our away strip (Red and Black stripes) because the oppo played in QPR colours - they played in black!!!
OTVFC v Met Police
Sunday 27th January 2013
The Warren, Hayes
Metropolitan Vets Police (0) 0 Old Tamponians (0) 2
Scorers: Clive 2 (1pen)
Match Report: Mickey Smith
There can’t have been too many football matches played on this Sunday morning, so ‘well done’ to the ground staff at The Warren!
The Old Tamponians opted to play in red and black so as not to clash with the ref’s mad staring blue eyes. The Met Police played in black and blue - their preferred colour of their kit and anyone else they come into contact with.
A strong wind made for difficult playing conditions, with the Tamps having a number of chances to take the lead during the first half. Prominent amongst the players who failed to hit the point-blank target were Pink gloves-White Socks- Pink boots Colin and Not-quite-so-Good Graham, who was called into action after only 20 minutes following Roy’s delayed reaction (seven days, in fact) to an elbow from Smudger. Despite kicking into the wind, the Met Police came close to taking the lead on two occasions, and Tamps goalkeeper Mark was called upon to make some important saves.
With the second half came the introduction of Ainsley (who had finally got back from a bender in Brighton). Both teams were evenly matched and chances arose at either end, with goalkeeper Mark, once again having to make a last-ditch tackle 30 metres from his goal that could have gone very badly wrong. But, overall, despite the wind now working to the advantage of the opponents, the Tamps back four of Jimmy, Nutts, Smudger and Lawrance kept the Met Police attackers at bay. It was also pleasing to see the ball retained when playing out from the back, ably assisted by Libero Michael Puplitt, Colin, Richard, Graham and Biker Mark across the midfield.
Just after the hour, Micky Smith and Roy took up the outside midfield positions, with the game still very evenly balanced. Jimmy, fuelled by alcohol and the adoration of Saturday’s ‘Vinyl Night’ crowd, rediscovered his running boots and started to take on the left-back , including a collector’s item – a far post cross to Ainsley which was narrowly cleared by a Met Police defender. A subsequent Tamps attack led to the defining moment of the game, when Colin rounded the centre back in the opposition’s area only to be up-ended for his offensive pink and white couture. Clive cooly slotted in the penalty.
For the remaining 15 minutes, despite several Met Police attacks, the Tamps continued to press for a further goal, which eventually came when a long through ball from Colin went slow enough for Clive to catch it, who impressively beat the defender, rounded the goalkeeper and scored to deternine the outcome of the game.
A strong all-round performance and the fourth clean-sheet in a row. Not bad!
Team scores: Mark the Goalkeeper (8), Jimmy the Cheese (9), Tony Nutts (7), Smudger Smith (7), Groundstaff Lawrance (7), East Bank Richard (7), Michael ‘Pirate’ Puplitt (8), Colin the Pink (7), Roy of the Rovers (7), Sir Clive Bentley (7), Mark the Bike (7) Substitutes: Graham the Good (7), Ainsley the Hood (7), Mickey the Hernia (7)
The Warren, Hayes
Metropolitan Vets Police (0) 0 Old Tamponians (0) 2
Scorers: Clive 2 (1pen)
Match Report: Mickey Smith
There can’t have been too many football matches played on this Sunday morning, so ‘well done’ to the ground staff at The Warren!
The Old Tamponians opted to play in red and black so as not to clash with the ref’s mad staring blue eyes. The Met Police played in black and blue - their preferred colour of their kit and anyone else they come into contact with.
A strong wind made for difficult playing conditions, with the Tamps having a number of chances to take the lead during the first half. Prominent amongst the players who failed to hit the point-blank target were Pink gloves-White Socks- Pink boots Colin and Not-quite-so-Good Graham, who was called into action after only 20 minutes following Roy’s delayed reaction (seven days, in fact) to an elbow from Smudger. Despite kicking into the wind, the Met Police came close to taking the lead on two occasions, and Tamps goalkeeper Mark was called upon to make some important saves.
With the second half came the introduction of Ainsley (who had finally got back from a bender in Brighton). Both teams were evenly matched and chances arose at either end, with goalkeeper Mark, once again having to make a last-ditch tackle 30 metres from his goal that could have gone very badly wrong. But, overall, despite the wind now working to the advantage of the opponents, the Tamps back four of Jimmy, Nutts, Smudger and Lawrance kept the Met Police attackers at bay. It was also pleasing to see the ball retained when playing out from the back, ably assisted by Libero Michael Puplitt, Colin, Richard, Graham and Biker Mark across the midfield.
Just after the hour, Micky Smith and Roy took up the outside midfield positions, with the game still very evenly balanced. Jimmy, fuelled by alcohol and the adoration of Saturday’s ‘Vinyl Night’ crowd, rediscovered his running boots and started to take on the left-back , including a collector’s item – a far post cross to Ainsley which was narrowly cleared by a Met Police defender. A subsequent Tamps attack led to the defining moment of the game, when Colin rounded the centre back in the opposition’s area only to be up-ended for his offensive pink and white couture. Clive cooly slotted in the penalty.
For the remaining 15 minutes, despite several Met Police attacks, the Tamps continued to press for a further goal, which eventually came when a long through ball from Colin went slow enough for Clive to catch it, who impressively beat the defender, rounded the goalkeeper and scored to deternine the outcome of the game.
A strong all-round performance and the fourth clean-sheet in a row. Not bad!
Team scores: Mark the Goalkeeper (8), Jimmy the Cheese (9), Tony Nutts (7), Smudger Smith (7), Groundstaff Lawrance (7), East Bank Richard (7), Michael ‘Pirate’ Puplitt (8), Colin the Pink (7), Roy of the Rovers (7), Sir Clive Bentley (7), Mark the Bike (7) Substitutes: Graham the Good (7), Ainsley the Hood (7), Mickey the Hernia (7)
